Cooper,
I never thought we would ever get here. This is the one day I've been dreading since you've been gone. We've had to grieve about the loss of you and also the dreams we've had for you. Not a day goes by that I don't think about something we should have been doing with you. We SHOULD be at home in Oklahoma with family and friends. We SHOULD have taken you to see your very first Christmas lights. We SHOULD have taken you to see Santa with Norah. We SHOULD have picked out your 1st Christmas ornament as a family. We SHOULD have taken a picture of you and Binx by the tree. We SHOULD have gone Christmas shopping for you. We SHOULD have picked out the sweetest Christmas pajamas for you. We SHOULD be taking you to your Mimi's Christmas Eve party and everyone SHOULD be fighting to hold you. We SHOULD be happy. Instead, we avoid everyone and are still in Kansas, planning to leave as late as possible. Instead, we won't go see Christmas lights this year. Instead, I rushed past the long line of kids waiting to see Santa, hoping no one would see my tears. Instead, I picked out a memory ornament for you. Instead, it was just Binx by the tree. Instead, we bought a Christmas Swag to lay on your grave. Instead, I picked out pajamas for Norah with monkeys from you. Instead, I'm plotting on how I can get through that party with a little help from my good friend wine. Instead, I'm trying to hide the tears and appear to be strong.
At Thanksgiving, when we went home, it was like you have never happened. No one asked how we were doing except for family. I want so badly for them to ask how we are doing. I want them to know that almost 4 months later we are still devastated by the loss of you, our sweet boy.
I do not know what I'm supposed to do. I'm happy you don't hurt any more and that you won't ever have to hurt. But I don't know how to make this better for me or your daddy. I'm sobbing so hard right now, I don't think I've cried this hard in a long time. My chest hurts so much. My heart is breaking...
love you to the moon and back,
Cooper
Friday, December 23, 2011
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Dear Santa,
Dear Santa,
I'm writing this letter from me to you. I hope you don't think I'm asking to much of you. You visit us every year and leave us such wonderful things, but I'm wondering do you visit all the children who have wings? I know your so very busy, so much to do in one night, but could you please make an extra trip to the stars that shine so bright? You see my baby lives up there, just to perfect for life on Earth, please leave them a gift and put a stocking on their cloud, filled with precious presents from their family on the ground. Please stroke their sleepy head and tell my baby I miss them so, that my heart aches with sadness and tears just seems to flow. If you could do this for me Santa I may even be able to smile, even if it is just for a little while. So thank you very much Santa for all that you do, after all it is Christmas in Heaven too.
~ Author Unknown
Cooper,
Well I know I shouldn't have done it but I did. I put of all the Christmas shopping until the last minute. Today is exactly 1 week until Christmas. It was extremely busy every where I went. I used to be patient and things didn't bother me but not as much since you've been gone. My patience was short this afternoon. Best Buy is run by some stupid people. I will avoid that place for a very long time.
I finally went in to Toys R Us. I went shopping for Norah there. I tried to avoid the little boys section but it was pretty much unavoidable. I love see monkeys because it reminds me so much of you. But today I swear they were everywhere and it was just too upsetting to see. I all but lost it. As I'm sure it would be very odd to see someone standing in the middle of the store clutching monkey socks and bawling their eyes out. I picked something out for you to 'give' to Norah and Daddy. I'm sure they will love them. I also picked out a special something for you as well. We'll bring it out to you on Christmas Day.
Your daddy is finally home! I'm so excited he is finally back home with me. I gave him one of his Christmas presents early today. And I'm pretty sure he's enjoying it a little too much. I bought him a new keyboard that's made especially for playing computer games with Vent. He's such a little kid, he had to hook it up right away. I know how much he was looking forward to introducing you to his video games. I'm sure if you were around he'd have you sitting on his lap playing them now. You used to kick me when I played mine this summer. I know you would have loved them just as much as we do.
love you my little monkey,
Momma
I'm writing this letter from me to you. I hope you don't think I'm asking to much of you. You visit us every year and leave us such wonderful things, but I'm wondering do you visit all the children who have wings? I know your so very busy, so much to do in one night, but could you please make an extra trip to the stars that shine so bright? You see my baby lives up there, just to perfect for life on Earth, please leave them a gift and put a stocking on their cloud, filled with precious presents from their family on the ground. Please stroke their sleepy head and tell my baby I miss them so, that my heart aches with sadness and tears just seems to flow. If you could do this for me Santa I may even be able to smile, even if it is just for a little while. So thank you very much Santa for all that you do, after all it is Christmas in Heaven too.
~ Author Unknown
Cooper,
Well I know I shouldn't have done it but I did. I put of all the Christmas shopping until the last minute. Today is exactly 1 week until Christmas. It was extremely busy every where I went. I used to be patient and things didn't bother me but not as much since you've been gone. My patience was short this afternoon. Best Buy is run by some stupid people. I will avoid that place for a very long time.
I finally went in to Toys R Us. I went shopping for Norah there. I tried to avoid the little boys section but it was pretty much unavoidable. I love see monkeys because it reminds me so much of you. But today I swear they were everywhere and it was just too upsetting to see. I all but lost it. As I'm sure it would be very odd to see someone standing in the middle of the store clutching monkey socks and bawling their eyes out. I picked something out for you to 'give' to Norah and Daddy. I'm sure they will love them. I also picked out a special something for you as well. We'll bring it out to you on Christmas Day.
Your daddy is finally home! I'm so excited he is finally back home with me. I gave him one of his Christmas presents early today. And I'm pretty sure he's enjoying it a little too much. I bought him a new keyboard that's made especially for playing computer games with Vent. He's such a little kid, he had to hook it up right away. I know how much he was looking forward to introducing you to his video games. I'm sure if you were around he'd have you sitting on his lap playing them now. You used to kick me when I played mine this summer. I know you would have loved them just as much as we do.
love you my little monkey,
Momma
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Then and Now
Cooper,
I went back and read some of the entries I made about a month after you were born. I can't believe I've come this far. I didn't think I'd be standing but here I am. I'm breathing AND standing!
My days are starting to get better. I'm beginning slowly to see that there is a light at the end of this tunnel. But I was talking with my therapist today that I don't really think I'll ever come back from this. I'll recover but I won't be the same me. Having you and watching you pass away has completely changed me. I think about everything completely differently now. Daddy says I'm much more matter of fact and get straight to the point. I don't let people run me over. Who would have thought you would do that to me? I'm too much of people pleaser and really want people to like me. Now I really don't care, this is me. I've lost my son. You're either in my life or not.
I'm beginning to even want to go out and do things. Daddy and I are actually thinking about taking a trip together for my Spring Break? Do you know the last time we took a trip. That would be never. We never got our honeymoon. And we thought for sure that we wouldn't be able to go anywhere until he got out. I think we are starting to live in the moment and cherish each other even more. I'm not sure where we will go or if we will even go but it's having something to think about and look forward too.
love you Monkey,
Momma
I went back and read some of the entries I made about a month after you were born. I can't believe I've come this far. I didn't think I'd be standing but here I am. I'm breathing AND standing!
My days are starting to get better. I'm beginning slowly to see that there is a light at the end of this tunnel. But I was talking with my therapist today that I don't really think I'll ever come back from this. I'll recover but I won't be the same me. Having you and watching you pass away has completely changed me. I think about everything completely differently now. Daddy says I'm much more matter of fact and get straight to the point. I don't let people run me over. Who would have thought you would do that to me? I'm too much of people pleaser and really want people to like me. Now I really don't care, this is me. I've lost my son. You're either in my life or not.
I'm beginning to even want to go out and do things. Daddy and I are actually thinking about taking a trip together for my Spring Break? Do you know the last time we took a trip. That would be never. We never got our honeymoon. And we thought for sure that we wouldn't be able to go anywhere until he got out. I think we are starting to live in the moment and cherish each other even more. I'm not sure where we will go or if we will even go but it's having something to think about and look forward too.
love you Monkey,
Momma
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Since he's been gone,
Cooper,
You daddy's gone for the first time since you've been gone. I've been surprised with myself. I didn't cry when I dropped him off or for the rest of the day. I havn't cried about him being gone at all. I've only cried for you. I remember the last time he left was just a few weeks after we found out we were expecting you. I cried for days not having him there with me, with us. I also remember picking him up at the airport thinking that one day it would be the two of us going to pick him. I couldn't wait. I guess in way you still go with me to drop him off and pick him. And you even get to go with him. If you're there with him now I hope you are enjoying yourself.
While he's been gone, I've just kept to myself. I know your daddy would want me to get out and see friends but I just don't want to. I went to Kristin's last night and I suppose I'll go over there again tonight but I'd rather be by myself.
We put of the tree before we left. I was really looking forward to starting family traditions with you here. Daddy and I talk about what we'll do when your siblings are finally here. I like to think about it. I went out to try and find the perfect ornament for you. It's part of our new tradition. An ornament for each of kids every year. You might not be here with us but you will get your own ornament every year. I couldn't find the right one so I've decided I'm going to make it. Mimi gave us an ornament holder last year and I think I'll put your ornament for that year on it. You doctor from Wesley also sent us an ornament. It has your name and birthday and Angelversary on it. I put it right on top next to Baby Sala's ornament we got last year. I've been forcing myself to do Christmassy things this year. Listening to music, finding the right gifts, going to parties, etc. I wish you dad was here... Hopefully he'll be back before Christmas.
love you sweet boy,
Momma
You daddy's gone for the first time since you've been gone. I've been surprised with myself. I didn't cry when I dropped him off or for the rest of the day. I havn't cried about him being gone at all. I've only cried for you. I remember the last time he left was just a few weeks after we found out we were expecting you. I cried for days not having him there with me, with us. I also remember picking him up at the airport thinking that one day it would be the two of us going to pick him. I couldn't wait. I guess in way you still go with me to drop him off and pick him. And you even get to go with him. If you're there with him now I hope you are enjoying yourself.
While he's been gone, I've just kept to myself. I know your daddy would want me to get out and see friends but I just don't want to. I went to Kristin's last night and I suppose I'll go over there again tonight but I'd rather be by myself.
We put of the tree before we left. I was really looking forward to starting family traditions with you here. Daddy and I talk about what we'll do when your siblings are finally here. I like to think about it. I went out to try and find the perfect ornament for you. It's part of our new tradition. An ornament for each of kids every year. You might not be here with us but you will get your own ornament every year. I couldn't find the right one so I've decided I'm going to make it. Mimi gave us an ornament holder last year and I think I'll put your ornament for that year on it. You doctor from Wesley also sent us an ornament. It has your name and birthday and Angelversary on it. I put it right on top next to Baby Sala's ornament we got last year. I've been forcing myself to do Christmassy things this year. Listening to music, finding the right gifts, going to parties, etc. I wish you dad was here... Hopefully he'll be back before Christmas.
love you sweet boy,
Momma
Monday, November 28, 2011
Overcome with Grief...
Cooper,
The first major holiday since you've left has come and gone. I thought I would be 'okay' up until the point when we crossed over into Oklahoma on our way home. After that it was all just downhill from there. Wednesday night we went to Papa Don's and Kimmy's and I cried most of the way there knowing your cousin was inside sleeping. And I sat there and cried for what seemed forever. We went out to see the new Muppet movie with your Uncle Matt and Aunt Kisha. The next day was just as bad. We got to your Papa Don's and Kimmy's before anyone else. I started tearing up almost immediately and wondered off to be by myself and I found where they put up your picture. I think I sat there and stared at it forever. Daddy finally came and found me and we walked and talked for a bit. We we came back I had a nice talk with Aunt Kisha and told her some of the things I was feeling. She was really understanding about it. I mean there is no handbook for situations like this.
Friday morning, we went and picked out your headstone. It's not what we orginally thought we would get for you. I wouldn't say I love it or think it's perfect because well it's your headstone. Not exactly what I thought I'd be shopping for this Black Friday at all. But I think it's nice. We went out and visited you after that was all done. You have some 'over zealous' neighbors. I was a little upset by the fact that I feel like they took some of your space. I really want your headstone up so we know it's your little piece of land. I think they put a few things on your grave. I don't know if they did to be nice or if they think no one visits you. But part of me just wants to to tell them we aren't bad parents but that your Daddy has a very important job to do and we wanted you to be surrounded by family that we knew would visit you. It breaks my heart that I can't come out there more. But I know you aren't there and you are watching over us. The rest of the day was pretty uneventful we pretty much napped the rest of the day and then went out with some friends.
The next day we had another Thanksgiving. I actually held Norah. I wasn't avoiding holding her but I also wasn't trying to hold her either. It was pretty uneventful for the most part. I think everyone was sort of shocked that I held her. I felt like everyone was watching and holding their breath to see how I would react, if I would be okay with holding her. Sunday was also pretty uneventful, Daddy and I had pictures taken and then we headed back home. We gave Binx a bath and just did nothing.
Today was hard though. I feel all of this grief has come from out of nowhere. I still hurt but it seems like the last few days I cry a lot more often and then a mother saw your story on Faces of Loss. She sent me an e-mail and there were little details about what happened that are quite similar to her's story. I have feeling you met a new friend recently. I have a feeling that you make lots of friends.
I'm going to see another doctor on Thursday to see about making you a big brother. It's hard to think that your Daddy and I are talking about babies and trying for another. It's unreal. I can promise you that any brothers or sisters you have, they will know all about you 9 days you spent here on Earth with us. Those were 9 greatest and happiest days of my life. I loved and will continue to love being your Momma.
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
The first major holiday since you've left has come and gone. I thought I would be 'okay' up until the point when we crossed over into Oklahoma on our way home. After that it was all just downhill from there. Wednesday night we went to Papa Don's and Kimmy's and I cried most of the way there knowing your cousin was inside sleeping. And I sat there and cried for what seemed forever. We went out to see the new Muppet movie with your Uncle Matt and Aunt Kisha. The next day was just as bad. We got to your Papa Don's and Kimmy's before anyone else. I started tearing up almost immediately and wondered off to be by myself and I found where they put up your picture. I think I sat there and stared at it forever. Daddy finally came and found me and we walked and talked for a bit. We we came back I had a nice talk with Aunt Kisha and told her some of the things I was feeling. She was really understanding about it. I mean there is no handbook for situations like this.
Friday morning, we went and picked out your headstone. It's not what we orginally thought we would get for you. I wouldn't say I love it or think it's perfect because well it's your headstone. Not exactly what I thought I'd be shopping for this Black Friday at all. But I think it's nice. We went out and visited you after that was all done. You have some 'over zealous' neighbors. I was a little upset by the fact that I feel like they took some of your space. I really want your headstone up so we know it's your little piece of land. I think they put a few things on your grave. I don't know if they did to be nice or if they think no one visits you. But part of me just wants to to tell them we aren't bad parents but that your Daddy has a very important job to do and we wanted you to be surrounded by family that we knew would visit you. It breaks my heart that I can't come out there more. But I know you aren't there and you are watching over us. The rest of the day was pretty uneventful we pretty much napped the rest of the day and then went out with some friends.
The next day we had another Thanksgiving. I actually held Norah. I wasn't avoiding holding her but I also wasn't trying to hold her either. It was pretty uneventful for the most part. I think everyone was sort of shocked that I held her. I felt like everyone was watching and holding their breath to see how I would react, if I would be okay with holding her. Sunday was also pretty uneventful, Daddy and I had pictures taken and then we headed back home. We gave Binx a bath and just did nothing.
Today was hard though. I feel all of this grief has come from out of nowhere. I still hurt but it seems like the last few days I cry a lot more often and then a mother saw your story on Faces of Loss. She sent me an e-mail and there were little details about what happened that are quite similar to her's story. I have feeling you met a new friend recently. I have a feeling that you make lots of friends.
I'm going to see another doctor on Thursday to see about making you a big brother. It's hard to think that your Daddy and I are talking about babies and trying for another. It's unreal. I can promise you that any brothers or sisters you have, they will know all about you 9 days you spent here on Earth with us. Those were 9 greatest and happiest days of my life. I loved and will continue to love being your Momma.
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Thanksgiving...
Cooper,
We're going home for Thanksgiving in a few hours. Dad is still at work and I'm supposed to be doing laundry but I'm procrastinating. I ran to the post office this morning and brought Binx with me. He loves his car rides. I was almost home and I was thinking/imagining to myself what it would have been like to have him and you in the car. And then I thought well Binx for sure wouldn't have been in the car because he takes up too much space. And the it hit me, the reason why I was going to the post office: to send a check to pay for the shirts we had made for March for Babies and sending a little gift to another babyloss momma. It hit me, if I still had you I wouldn't be going to the post office today. Instead I'm be at home, probably packing everything you own because I wouldn't know what you would need and what you wouldn't need. Of course we'd have some of the stuff in Oklahoma. But it's stuck in my mind now. I feel like sometimes I'm living in this cruel parallel world, the one where you're not here and there's a second one where you survived or even a 3rd and 4th one where you didn't come early and the other where you didn't get sick. I personally would have chosen the 3rd or 4th but here I am stuck in the one where you're not here.
One day I hope to get out or move in the one where there are babies for me and your dad until then I'm stuck here without you.
love you,
Momma
We're going home for Thanksgiving in a few hours. Dad is still at work and I'm supposed to be doing laundry but I'm procrastinating. I ran to the post office this morning and brought Binx with me. He loves his car rides. I was almost home and I was thinking/imagining to myself what it would have been like to have him and you in the car. And then I thought well Binx for sure wouldn't have been in the car because he takes up too much space. And the it hit me, the reason why I was going to the post office: to send a check to pay for the shirts we had made for March for Babies and sending a little gift to another babyloss momma. It hit me, if I still had you I wouldn't be going to the post office today. Instead I'm be at home, probably packing everything you own because I wouldn't know what you would need and what you wouldn't need. Of course we'd have some of the stuff in Oklahoma. But it's stuck in my mind now. I feel like sometimes I'm living in this cruel parallel world, the one where you're not here and there's a second one where you survived or even a 3rd and 4th one where you didn't come early and the other where you didn't get sick. I personally would have chosen the 3rd or 4th but here I am stuck in the one where you're not here.
One day I hope to get out or move in the one where there are babies for me and your dad until then I'm stuck here without you.
love you,
Momma
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Lately...
Cooper,
Yesterday you would have 3 months old. Daddy and I spent it couch shopping. Strange I know but it at least it gave us something to occupy our minds. We didn't plan on buying a couch but we got one heck of a good deal on it. They already have black Friday deals out. That drive me CrAzY son. I hate when they bring out Christmas things before Thanksgiving. But then again, I'm not exactly looking forward to Christmas this year.
Maybe next year...
I've decided to redecorate the living room. Another thing to occupy my mind until we can think about adding to our family. Sooner rather than later of course. And it all hinges on what the High Risk doctor says, we go see her on Dec. 1. I've started pretty slowly. Just the couch and a piece of wall art to hang above it. It'll be pretty slow going but we want to make our house a home. Pretty tired of feeling like we're just a couple of college students.
We're going home next week for Thanksgiving. I'm sort of dreading it. Most people say it's the days leading up to holidays that are the worse than the day itself. I sure hope so. We're getting pictures made and I can't help but think you should be in them with us. I keep thinking one day but then I remember no, Cooper will never be in them with us, it'll be a brother or sister but not Cooper.
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
Yesterday you would have 3 months old. Daddy and I spent it couch shopping. Strange I know but it at least it gave us something to occupy our minds. We didn't plan on buying a couch but we got one heck of a good deal on it. They already have black Friday deals out. That drive me CrAzY son. I hate when they bring out Christmas things before Thanksgiving. But then again, I'm not exactly looking forward to Christmas this year.
Maybe next year...
I've decided to redecorate the living room. Another thing to occupy my mind until we can think about adding to our family. Sooner rather than later of course. And it all hinges on what the High Risk doctor says, we go see her on Dec. 1. I've started pretty slowly. Just the couch and a piece of wall art to hang above it. It'll be pretty slow going but we want to make our house a home. Pretty tired of feeling like we're just a couple of college students.
We're going home next week for Thanksgiving. I'm sort of dreading it. Most people say it's the days leading up to holidays that are the worse than the day itself. I sure hope so. We're getting pictures made and I can't help but think you should be in them with us. I keep thinking one day but then I remember no, Cooper will never be in them with us, it'll be a brother or sister but not Cooper.
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Busy, busy...
Cooper,
It's been awhile hasn't it sweet boy? I havn't forgotten about our messages. I've been seening monkeys everywhere lately it seems. Everytime I see one I smile thinking of you.
Mommy and Daddy have been really busy lately. Daddy had surgery to fix the horrible headaches he's been having for the last few months. And we think it worked! Now Daddy has been going to the gym almost everyday to get ready for his PT test next month. We REALLY need him to pass. He's also been going to physical therapy to help with his knee again. I really hope this works and he won't have to have surgery again. He's alreay had surgery on that knee 3 times.
I did March for Babies a few weekends back. It was hard because most of the people were walking in celebration of their babies. And we were walking in memory of you. We raised almost $1500 in your name. I was so happy. We even got a little plaque for being the in the top 5 for fundraising. Daddy and I are going to try and walk in your memory every year.
Mommy and Daddy have exciting news. We are finally moving! We had some issues getting a new house since your grew you wings early. It's not the house we had hoped for but it's nicer than what we are in now and it's a good new start for us. We are even getting the keys to the new house on my birthday. I wish you could be here for that. I've been having a hard time with the packing. I keep putting it off because I know we are going to have to pack up all of you belongings and there won't be a reason to unpack them. Daddy started taking your clothes out of his closet and into your pack'n'play. You never used any of your things but I still consider them your things. One day we might give them to your little brother. If not, I'm not sure what we will ever do with them. I don't think I'd ever be able to give away your clothes. The week you were in the hospital, your Daddy didn't want me to do a whole lot except rest in preperation for you to come home. I wanted to clean so badly but he said no. I finally got fed up with it. The day before you got sick I sorted through all of your clothes and divided them in piles by months. And they've stayed there just like that.
We miss you baby, I would do anything to be able to hold you in my arms and make it all better. I'm sorry Momma and Daddy couldn't fix you. We tried and I know the doctors and nurses did everything.
love you forever,
Momma
It's been awhile hasn't it sweet boy? I havn't forgotten about our messages. I've been seening monkeys everywhere lately it seems. Everytime I see one I smile thinking of you.
Mommy and Daddy have been really busy lately. Daddy had surgery to fix the horrible headaches he's been having for the last few months. And we think it worked! Now Daddy has been going to the gym almost everyday to get ready for his PT test next month. We REALLY need him to pass. He's also been going to physical therapy to help with his knee again. I really hope this works and he won't have to have surgery again. He's alreay had surgery on that knee 3 times.
I did March for Babies a few weekends back. It was hard because most of the people were walking in celebration of their babies. And we were walking in memory of you. We raised almost $1500 in your name. I was so happy. We even got a little plaque for being the in the top 5 for fundraising. Daddy and I are going to try and walk in your memory every year.
Mommy and Daddy have exciting news. We are finally moving! We had some issues getting a new house since your grew you wings early. It's not the house we had hoped for but it's nicer than what we are in now and it's a good new start for us. We are even getting the keys to the new house on my birthday. I wish you could be here for that. I've been having a hard time with the packing. I keep putting it off because I know we are going to have to pack up all of you belongings and there won't be a reason to unpack them. Daddy started taking your clothes out of his closet and into your pack'n'play. You never used any of your things but I still consider them your things. One day we might give them to your little brother. If not, I'm not sure what we will ever do with them. I don't think I'd ever be able to give away your clothes. The week you were in the hospital, your Daddy didn't want me to do a whole lot except rest in preperation for you to come home. I wanted to clean so badly but he said no. I finally got fed up with it. The day before you got sick I sorted through all of your clothes and divided them in piles by months. And they've stayed there just like that.
We miss you baby, I would do anything to be able to hold you in my arms and make it all better. I'm sorry Momma and Daddy couldn't fix you. We tried and I know the doctors and nurses did everything.
love you forever,
Momma
Monday, October 17, 2011
Day 11: Mommies & Daddies
Cooper,
I think Momma is sick. I started feeling achey and crampy last night and today I've been congested, achey, crampy, and can't seem to get warm. I think I may have a low fever. Used your thermometer. :) I'm working tomorrow morning and hoping that I don't get worse during the night and can make it in since I'm only working half days. Daddy went to the doctor as well today. He played volleyball this weekend and started hurting on Saturday night after we got back. He dropped some keys and feels like he popped something. They think he had a pinched nerve. Praying it goes away soon so he can get back to working out to pass his PT test in few months. We really need him to pass. We know your watching over us with God and Jesus.
Day 11: It is said that Fathers and Mothers grieve differently. Do you feel this is true with your angels father?
Yes and no. I don't think one of loved you more so I don't think one of us misses you more either. But we are diffinately grieving differently. Daddy would much prefer not talking to anyone about other me. He likes to distract himself. And went back to work a lot earlier than I did. While don't think there hasn't been a day thats gone by that I haven't cried for you. I don't think Daddy has cried in quite some time. And that's okay. I've been going to see a very nice lady named Adrienne. She lets me talk about you as much as I want or as little as I want. In the beginning it was a lot. I talked about you for almost 2 hours. But since then, it's mostly been about me and ways to help me feel better. I've also went back to work much later than him. It was good to be back and see people but it's been really hard seeing and working with children. It's hard to know that I'll never get to take you to your first day of school or hang your art work up in the refrigerator. Or call call your Nana, Mimi, and Kimmy and tell them about your latest achievements. It's really had knowing I'll never be able to teach you how to read. I think it's different for me since I carried you for almost 8 months. I got to know you before your Daddy did. My body kept you alive for a very long time. And then it failed and you had to come early. I feel horrible for that. There was nothing I could do either. I look and realize I had some of the symptoms a long time before that and maybe if I had spoken up they could have given me something so you could have stayed inside just a little bit longer. I feel horrible that I didn't speak up.
But know that Daddy and I loved you from the VERY MINUTE we knew about you and we will ALWAYS love you! We would have done anything for you.
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
I think Momma is sick. I started feeling achey and crampy last night and today I've been congested, achey, crampy, and can't seem to get warm. I think I may have a low fever. Used your thermometer. :) I'm working tomorrow morning and hoping that I don't get worse during the night and can make it in since I'm only working half days. Daddy went to the doctor as well today. He played volleyball this weekend and started hurting on Saturday night after we got back. He dropped some keys and feels like he popped something. They think he had a pinched nerve. Praying it goes away soon so he can get back to working out to pass his PT test in few months. We really need him to pass. We know your watching over us with God and Jesus.
Day 11: It is said that Fathers and Mothers grieve differently. Do you feel this is true with your angels father?
Yes and no. I don't think one of loved you more so I don't think one of us misses you more either. But we are diffinately grieving differently. Daddy would much prefer not talking to anyone about other me. He likes to distract himself. And went back to work a lot earlier than I did. While don't think there hasn't been a day thats gone by that I haven't cried for you. I don't think Daddy has cried in quite some time. And that's okay. I've been going to see a very nice lady named Adrienne. She lets me talk about you as much as I want or as little as I want. In the beginning it was a lot. I talked about you for almost 2 hours. But since then, it's mostly been about me and ways to help me feel better. I've also went back to work much later than him. It was good to be back and see people but it's been really hard seeing and working with children. It's hard to know that I'll never get to take you to your first day of school or hang your art work up in the refrigerator. Or call call your Nana, Mimi, and Kimmy and tell them about your latest achievements. It's really had knowing I'll never be able to teach you how to read. I think it's different for me since I carried you for almost 8 months. I got to know you before your Daddy did. My body kept you alive for a very long time. And then it failed and you had to come early. I feel horrible for that. There was nothing I could do either. I look and realize I had some of the symptoms a long time before that and maybe if I had spoken up they could have given me something so you could have stayed inside just a little bit longer. I feel horrible that I didn't speak up.
But know that Daddy and I loved you from the VERY MINUTE we knew about you and we will ALWAYS love you! We would have done anything for you.
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Day 10: Older kids & Rainbow children
Cooper,
Mommy is in a lot of physical pain right now. I don't think I've hurt this much since I had you. If things don't change I'm going to be calling my doctor ASAP. I've also got the headache from hell, I think I'm going to chalk that one up to my blood pressure. They are still trying to get that one under control. They aren't sure if it's because of the stress that I'm under or if my blood pressue is just high now. We really need to get it under control before we can think about a sibling for you. Which hopefully we can be thinking about it less than 6 months...*fingerscrossed* in less than a year you will be a future big brother.
Day 10: If you have Rainbows or older children do they know and remember your angel(s)?
We don't have older children and we don't have Rainbows either. But you can count on it that we will try for Rainbows, whether they are biologically ours or not. One day we will have more children and we will tell them all about you Cooper. I can't wait to tell them about you and show them your pictures and take them to see you.
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
Mommy is in a lot of physical pain right now. I don't think I've hurt this much since I had you. If things don't change I'm going to be calling my doctor ASAP. I've also got the headache from hell, I think I'm going to chalk that one up to my blood pressure. They are still trying to get that one under control. They aren't sure if it's because of the stress that I'm under or if my blood pressue is just high now. We really need to get it under control before we can think about a sibling for you. Which hopefully we can be thinking about it less than 6 months...*fingerscrossed* in less than a year you will be a future big brother.
Day 10: If you have Rainbows or older children do they know and remember your angel(s)?
We don't have older children and we don't have Rainbows either. But you can count on it that we will try for Rainbows, whether they are biologically ours or not. One day we will have more children and we will tell them all about you Cooper. I can't wait to tell them about you and show them your pictures and take them to see you.
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Days 8&9 Time to play catch up!
Cooper,
Yesterday I was busy but let me tell you I thought about you more than anything else yesterday! By the time I got home, I was one tired momma and just feel asleep. I was feeling really anxious for most of the day and just need to be distracted. I had a pretty good time last night with some fo my friends and it was exactly what I needed. It felt so good just to laugh and have fun! I felt so bad because for a little while I forgot about how horrible the last few weeks have been. But then your daddy reminded me, that last night is what you would have wanted for me. And that's okay for me to smile and laugh and not feel guilty. So today when I'd catch myself smiling, I'd look up at the sky so you could see my smile. Because after today, I know that you must be looking down and watching over us. Thank you so much for the sign you sent us today sweet boy! I got the message!
Day 8: Do you feel like you have more good days than bad days?
I think they are starting to even out. Most days are a blend of good and bad. I don't really ever know what's going to trigger me. Sometimes I know that something will trigger me and I'll start to cry and I'll try to figure out a way to avoid it. But then sometimes there are things that I don't think will bother me at all and I see them and I'll start crying. Yesterday at work I was doing pretty good during in service. They were doing training on how to get dad's more involved. They showed a slide show of kids and their dads. J. asked if I needed to step out and I said told her I thought I'd be okay and would just stay there and about halfway throught it I lost it and just ran out of the there as fast as I could. I just never know how I'm going to react. But today was good day. I cried some but it was still pretty good.
Day 9: If you have other children how has your loss affected them? If you don't have other children, how has your loss affected your relationship with your partner?
I think that losing you has brought us even closer together. A lot of people have said that it will either destroy a marriage or bring them closer. Your daddy and I already have an interesting relationship after what we'd been through before we got married. That itself it's quite a story. But we fight for each other so I don't think we are going anywhere. We're in this for the long haul. We still get angry with each other but not nearly as much as what we did before. I think we let the little things go much more and really pick our battles. I know we loved each other before but we love each other just a little bit harder now.
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
Yesterday I was busy but let me tell you I thought about you more than anything else yesterday! By the time I got home, I was one tired momma and just feel asleep. I was feeling really anxious for most of the day and just need to be distracted. I had a pretty good time last night with some fo my friends and it was exactly what I needed. It felt so good just to laugh and have fun! I felt so bad because for a little while I forgot about how horrible the last few weeks have been. But then your daddy reminded me, that last night is what you would have wanted for me. And that's okay for me to smile and laugh and not feel guilty. So today when I'd catch myself smiling, I'd look up at the sky so you could see my smile. Because after today, I know that you must be looking down and watching over us. Thank you so much for the sign you sent us today sweet boy! I got the message!
Day 8: Do you feel like you have more good days than bad days?
I think they are starting to even out. Most days are a blend of good and bad. I don't really ever know what's going to trigger me. Sometimes I know that something will trigger me and I'll start to cry and I'll try to figure out a way to avoid it. But then sometimes there are things that I don't think will bother me at all and I see them and I'll start crying. Yesterday at work I was doing pretty good during in service. They were doing training on how to get dad's more involved. They showed a slide show of kids and their dads. J. asked if I needed to step out and I said told her I thought I'd be okay and would just stay there and about halfway throught it I lost it and just ran out of the there as fast as I could. I just never know how I'm going to react. But today was good day. I cried some but it was still pretty good.
Day 9: If you have other children how has your loss affected them? If you don't have other children, how has your loss affected your relationship with your partner?
I think that losing you has brought us even closer together. A lot of people have said that it will either destroy a marriage or bring them closer. Your daddy and I already have an interesting relationship after what we'd been through before we got married. That itself it's quite a story. But we fight for each other so I don't think we are going anywhere. We're in this for the long haul. We still get angry with each other but not nearly as much as what we did before. I think we let the little things go much more and really pick our battles. I know we loved each other before but we love each other just a little bit harder now.
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Day 8: Good Days vs. Bad Days
Cooper,
Day 8: Do you feel like you have more good days than bad days?
Right now I feel like I have more bad days than good days. I'm hoping that maybe a year from now that will have changed. I can't wait for the day when I think about you and just smile. Right now, when I think about tears come with the smiles. I have some days that are completely good and some days that are completely bad. But mostly I have days that are a combination.
I just want you to know Cooper, I think I'm picking up on your signs. I've seen your name a lot in the last few days. Twice in a 24 hour period and I'd never really saw your name anywhere. And our name if you have a little brother I have saw everywhere I turn. Is that your way of telling me you are going to send your little brother??? We love you so much.
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
Day 8: Do you feel like you have more good days than bad days?
Right now I feel like I have more bad days than good days. I'm hoping that maybe a year from now that will have changed. I can't wait for the day when I think about you and just smile. Right now, when I think about tears come with the smiles. I have some days that are completely good and some days that are completely bad. But mostly I have days that are a combination.
I just want you to know Cooper, I think I'm picking up on your signs. I've seen your name a lot in the last few days. Twice in a 24 hour period and I'd never really saw your name anywhere. And our name if you have a little brother I have saw everywhere I turn. Is that your way of telling me you are going to send your little brother??? We love you so much.
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Day 7: Honoring You
Cooper,
Day 7: Do you do something to honor your angel(s)? If so what?
We've decided to do March of Dimes in your honor. We've raised close to $1000. I like to think it's going to NEC research but I highly doubt that. The walk is next weekend in Ada, Oklahoma. Daddy can't come with me because he has to work but hopefully next year we will both be able to walk for you. I'm really excited about it but sad that it'll will be in memory of you instead of In Celebration of you. I've also been thinking about doing some other things. I'd like to get an angel off the Angel Tree close to your age each year and spend the money we would have spent on you on someone else who needs it. And I know you birthday is a long way off but I've already been thinking of what I'd like to do to celebrate it. I think I'd like to get our family together and make some memory boxes and then take them back to Wesley. Daddy's not sure about it. I think he's still really in a lot of pain of losing you though. We've got time to think about it. I don't want to forget you and I want your memory to live on. I want your short life to make a difference.
love you,
Momma
Day 7: Do you do something to honor your angel(s)? If so what?
We've decided to do March of Dimes in your honor. We've raised close to $1000. I like to think it's going to NEC research but I highly doubt that. The walk is next weekend in Ada, Oklahoma. Daddy can't come with me because he has to work but hopefully next year we will both be able to walk for you. I'm really excited about it but sad that it'll will be in memory of you instead of In Celebration of you. I've also been thinking about doing some other things. I'd like to get an angel off the Angel Tree close to your age each year and spend the money we would have spent on you on someone else who needs it. And I know you birthday is a long way off but I've already been thinking of what I'd like to do to celebrate it. I think I'd like to get our family together and make some memory boxes and then take them back to Wesley. Daddy's not sure about it. I think he's still really in a lot of pain of losing you though. We've got time to think about it. I don't want to forget you and I want your memory to live on. I want your short life to make a difference.
love you,
Momma
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Day 6: How many kids
Cooper,
Day 6: How do you answer the question of how many children you have?
That's not a question I've been asked yet. But it's something that I've been thinking about a lot. I'm not sure how I would answer that. I'm not going to deny the fact that you exsisted because you did. I held you, I feed you, I changed your diapers. I have the sweetest memories of you. I'm not worried about making people uncomfortable either. I think I will answer them honestly. Tell them I had a son and he passed away when he was 9 days old because of an infection that preemies get. I can't wait for someone to ask me. I think the first time might be hard, but I think I'm ready for people to ask me. We love you so much Cooper. We are so proud to have you as our son and be your parents. We aren't practicing parents so to speak but we are still your parents.
love you,
Momma
Day 6: How do you answer the question of how many children you have?
That's not a question I've been asked yet. But it's something that I've been thinking about a lot. I'm not sure how I would answer that. I'm not going to deny the fact that you exsisted because you did. I held you, I feed you, I changed your diapers. I have the sweetest memories of you. I'm not worried about making people uncomfortable either. I think I will answer them honestly. Tell them I had a son and he passed away when he was 9 days old because of an infection that preemies get. I can't wait for someone to ask me. I think the first time might be hard, but I think I'm ready for people to ask me. We love you so much Cooper. We are so proud to have you as our son and be your parents. We aren't practicing parents so to speak but we are still your parents.
love you,
Momma
Monday, October 10, 2011
Day 5: Signs and Reminders
Cooper,
Day 5: Do you ever get subtle reminders of your angel(s)? If so what are they? *Winks*
If you are, I must be a little dense and I'm not picking up on them at all. I absent mindedly made a wreath out of brown and green ribbon but I don't think that was a sign or a reminder. I pray a lot that I'll see a sign to let me know your okay. I'll see monkeys every now and then and that reminds me of you. You nursery was going to be in brown and green and monkeys. Your daddy picked it for you. I know you have to be but I'd like a little sign to know that your okay. Mind sending one my way sometime soon?
love you,
Momma
Day 5: Do you ever get subtle reminders of your angel(s)? If so what are they? *Winks*
If you are, I must be a little dense and I'm not picking up on them at all. I absent mindedly made a wreath out of brown and green ribbon but I don't think that was a sign or a reminder. I pray a lot that I'll see a sign to let me know your okay. I'll see monkeys every now and then and that reminds me of you. You nursery was going to be in brown and green and monkeys. Your daddy picked it for you. I know you have to be but I'd like a little sign to know that your okay. Mind sending one my way sometime soon?
love you,
Momma
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Day 4: What get me through
Cooper,
Day 4: Through your grief process what has kept you going?
I can't really pin point anything that has kept me going. I think I'm still so early in my grieving for you baby, that I havn't quite found that light at the end of the tunnel yet. Dad says's I'll find it again. I think he might have. I tried doing some of things I used to do but I the joy I found in them is gone. I hope that I can find it again.
Right after you left, I used to get up each morning because I knew it was one day closer to one of your siblings. But at the same time I knew it is a day farther from you. I've got to get healthy again both physically and mentally so I can carry your baby brother or sister to term. So maybe that keeps me going some days? Thinking about having a sibling for you that keeps me going some days.
love you,
Momma
Day 4: Through your grief process what has kept you going?
I can't really pin point anything that has kept me going. I think I'm still so early in my grieving for you baby, that I havn't quite found that light at the end of the tunnel yet. Dad says's I'll find it again. I think he might have. I tried doing some of things I used to do but I the joy I found in them is gone. I hope that I can find it again.
Right after you left, I used to get up each morning because I knew it was one day closer to one of your siblings. But at the same time I knew it is a day farther from you. I've got to get healthy again both physically and mentally so I can carry your baby brother or sister to term. So maybe that keeps me going some days? Thinking about having a sibling for you that keeps me going some days.
love you,
Momma
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Day 3: My Rock
Cooper,
Day 3: Through your grief process who has been your "rock"?
You daddy has been my rock. Here's a picture of him.
That was taken on our wedding day. He looked so handsome in his dress uniform. :)
I don't know what I'd do without your dad. He's been so supportive, just letting me scream and yell and get everything off my chest when I need to. He's one of the few that actually gets the situation. Yes, other mights think they understand what happened. But they don't, they can only relate to what happened. No one else was your momma or daddy. So they don't know what it was like to lose you. He tries to distract me by taking me to the movies and going to places that we've never been to before. He's not wanting either one of us to forget you, I know we won't but he's trying to make everything better. Like daddies are supposed to do. He's doing his best, baby. We love you.
love you,
Momma
Day 3: Through your grief process who has been your "rock"?
You daddy has been my rock. Here's a picture of him.
That was taken on our wedding day. He looked so handsome in his dress uniform. :)
I don't know what I'd do without your dad. He's been so supportive, just letting me scream and yell and get everything off my chest when I need to. He's one of the few that actually gets the situation. Yes, other mights think they understand what happened. But they don't, they can only relate to what happened. No one else was your momma or daddy. So they don't know what it was like to lose you. He tries to distract me by taking me to the movies and going to places that we've never been to before. He's not wanting either one of us to forget you, I know we won't but he's trying to make everything better. Like daddies are supposed to do. He's doing his best, baby. We love you.
love you,
Momma
Friday, October 7, 2011
Day 2: Tell us about your children.
Cooper,
Day 2: Tell us about your child(ren). As much or as as little as you like. Names, birthdates, stats.
Sweet boy, you have an older sibling. A brother or sister, I do not know. But you do. I hope you are together looking down at us. We thought we were pregnant last year in March and took a test but it wasn't positive. I went home to visit family and we still thought I might be pregnant. When I came back home, I took another test and this one was positive. We were so excited about that baby. But it was short lived. About two weeks later, I started bleeding on a Sunday night. I called he doctor the next morning and they had me come in and run a few tests. They called back later that day and said I just had an infection and the baby was fine. I continued to bleed and I called them back. They sent me for an ultrasound just to make sure the baby was fine and sadly when we went, there was nothing. We had lost our baby, your sibling.
And then you came along baby. We found out we were pregnant with you in January. Daddy knew I had to be pregnant again. First, you must know that I'm a pretty picky eater. I tend to eat the same things over and over again. But your daddy will eat just about anything. I made something new for dinner. Your daddy HATED it but I craved it all week long. I went grocery shopping and your dad told me to pick up a pregnancy test. I told him I knew I wasn't. But I was wrong, it took all of 30 seconds for the test to read PREGNANT. We were so excited! You were due September 25, 2011. But my body decided that you were going to come early. Almost 6 weeks early. I had Pre-Eclampsia and my kidneys and liver had started to shut down by the time, the doctors figured everything out. For my safety and for you as well, they decided you need to come out. You were stubborn and hadn't flipped yet, so I need a c-section. You were born when I was 34 weeks and 5 days on August 19, 2011 a 9:29 PM. You were 4 lbs, 14 oz. I remember they held you over the curtain and I saw that you had my nose. Daddy noticed it right away too. You looked just like your dad. But you had my nose and my chin. You were perfect to us. You hated being cold and would look like you were going to cry anytime they unwrapped you or if you needed your diaper changed. You would make these faces like you were going to let out a big cry but then you'd just close your mouth and eyes and fall back asleep. You never really cried much, just made us and your nurses think you were going to cry. And by the way, your nurses loved you sooo much. You were such a strong little guy, even your doctors were impressed with how healthy you were.
And then you got sick little one. No one expected it because you were doing so well. A doctor called us on Friday, August 26 and told us that there was something wrong and they were going to run some tests. I knew instantly that something was very wrong. Your daddy kept trying to tell me it was nothing but I knew something was very wrong. We thought we would still just go at our normal time. But then they called back and said that you were having trouble breathing and needed some help. We raced up to see you and that's when they said you had NEC. You had something called Necrotizing Enterocolitis. It's an infection preemies can get. It's an infection in the lining of the intestines. Bubbles form and then the bowels perferate. Sometimes babies need surgery. Where the bubbles form, it means that the intestines is dying. You had a very severe case of it Cooper. You got very sick very fast. The doctors had hope for you in the beginning but then you continued to get sick very fast. They did everything that they could for you. On Sunday when I got there, you were very sick and they were having problems with your heart. It just couldn't handle how sick you had become. They helped you stay alive until your daddy could come to the hospital. And then you grew your wings and flew away. And that's your story son. Your 9 days you spent here with us. They meant so much to us and we'll remember you always our first born son.
And here you are, this is one of my favorite pictures or you. Your daddy took it.
love you,
Momma
Day 2: Tell us about your child(ren). As much or as as little as you like. Names, birthdates, stats.
Sweet boy, you have an older sibling. A brother or sister, I do not know. But you do. I hope you are together looking down at us. We thought we were pregnant last year in March and took a test but it wasn't positive. I went home to visit family and we still thought I might be pregnant. When I came back home, I took another test and this one was positive. We were so excited about that baby. But it was short lived. About two weeks later, I started bleeding on a Sunday night. I called he doctor the next morning and they had me come in and run a few tests. They called back later that day and said I just had an infection and the baby was fine. I continued to bleed and I called them back. They sent me for an ultrasound just to make sure the baby was fine and sadly when we went, there was nothing. We had lost our baby, your sibling.
And then you came along baby. We found out we were pregnant with you in January. Daddy knew I had to be pregnant again. First, you must know that I'm a pretty picky eater. I tend to eat the same things over and over again. But your daddy will eat just about anything. I made something new for dinner. Your daddy HATED it but I craved it all week long. I went grocery shopping and your dad told me to pick up a pregnancy test. I told him I knew I wasn't. But I was wrong, it took all of 30 seconds for the test to read PREGNANT. We were so excited! You were due September 25, 2011. But my body decided that you were going to come early. Almost 6 weeks early. I had Pre-Eclampsia and my kidneys and liver had started to shut down by the time, the doctors figured everything out. For my safety and for you as well, they decided you need to come out. You were stubborn and hadn't flipped yet, so I need a c-section. You were born when I was 34 weeks and 5 days on August 19, 2011 a 9:29 PM. You were 4 lbs, 14 oz. I remember they held you over the curtain and I saw that you had my nose. Daddy noticed it right away too. You looked just like your dad. But you had my nose and my chin. You were perfect to us. You hated being cold and would look like you were going to cry anytime they unwrapped you or if you needed your diaper changed. You would make these faces like you were going to let out a big cry but then you'd just close your mouth and eyes and fall back asleep. You never really cried much, just made us and your nurses think you were going to cry. And by the way, your nurses loved you sooo much. You were such a strong little guy, even your doctors were impressed with how healthy you were.
And then you got sick little one. No one expected it because you were doing so well. A doctor called us on Friday, August 26 and told us that there was something wrong and they were going to run some tests. I knew instantly that something was very wrong. Your daddy kept trying to tell me it was nothing but I knew something was very wrong. We thought we would still just go at our normal time. But then they called back and said that you were having trouble breathing and needed some help. We raced up to see you and that's when they said you had NEC. You had something called Necrotizing Enterocolitis. It's an infection preemies can get. It's an infection in the lining of the intestines. Bubbles form and then the bowels perferate. Sometimes babies need surgery. Where the bubbles form, it means that the intestines is dying. You had a very severe case of it Cooper. You got very sick very fast. The doctors had hope for you in the beginning but then you continued to get sick very fast. They did everything that they could for you. On Sunday when I got there, you were very sick and they were having problems with your heart. It just couldn't handle how sick you had become. They helped you stay alive until your daddy could come to the hospital. And then you grew your wings and flew away. And that's your story son. Your 9 days you spent here with us. They meant so much to us and we'll remember you always our first born son.
And here you are, this is one of my favorite pictures or you. Your daddy took it.
love you,
Momma
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Day 1: Who are you?
Cooper,
Here's it is the start of a 31 day challenge...hopefully I'll find out more about myself. And maybe you'll find out more about your momma.
Day 1, Who are you? Share as little or as much about you in general.
Here's me....your momma.
Since I'm 26, I'll share 26 things.
1. I'm a wife.
2. I'm a daughter.
3. I'm an angel momma. I have 2 angel babies.
4. I'm a teacher.
5. Losing you is the hardest thing I've been through in my life.
6. I think I'm crafty sometimes.
7. I've recently discovered I like dry humor.
8. I love Disney.
9. I hate cleaning.
10. I like the summertime best. I HATE being cold.
11. Christmas is my favorite holiday. You Mimi throws the best Christmas parties.
12. PF Changs is my favorite. You would have loved their lettuce wraps.
13. I hate seafood and steak. Your Daddy think's that I'm pretty un-American since I don't like steak.
14. I like to read. A LOT. And so does your Daddy, We like to think you would have too.
15. I like computer games, I can thank your Daddy for that one too. He would have gotten you hooked as well.
16. I used to hate water, but I can't get enough of it lately.
17. My favorite type of date with your dad, is going to the book store and spending hours there.
18. I've been to Spain and France. We wish we could have taken you.
19. Your daddy and I never got a honeymoon. We moved to Kansas instead.
20. I worked for Quik Trip for almost 6 years. That's how your Daddy and I met.
21. I hate scary movies. Your daddy does and thinks it's fun to scare me.
22. I have a big family. Your daddy doesn't.
23. I think my family is crazy. So does your daddy. We love them anyways. So would you.
24. Oh, your daddy and I got married twice. :) Once in June and again in August.
25. I want all of my kids names to start with 'C'. I like the sound.
26. Coming up with 26 things was hard.
love you,
Momma
Here's it is the start of a 31 day challenge...hopefully I'll find out more about myself. And maybe you'll find out more about your momma.
Day 1, Who are you? Share as little or as much about you in general.
Here's me....your momma.
Since I'm 26, I'll share 26 things.
1. I'm a wife.
2. I'm a daughter.
3. I'm an angel momma. I have 2 angel babies.
4. I'm a teacher.
5. Losing you is the hardest thing I've been through in my life.
6. I think I'm crafty sometimes.
7. I've recently discovered I like dry humor.
8. I love Disney.
9. I hate cleaning.
10. I like the summertime best. I HATE being cold.
11. Christmas is my favorite holiday. You Mimi throws the best Christmas parties.
12. PF Changs is my favorite. You would have loved their lettuce wraps.
13. I hate seafood and steak. Your Daddy think's that I'm pretty un-American since I don't like steak.
14. I like to read. A LOT. And so does your Daddy, We like to think you would have too.
15. I like computer games, I can thank your Daddy for that one too. He would have gotten you hooked as well.
16. I used to hate water, but I can't get enough of it lately.
17. My favorite type of date with your dad, is going to the book store and spending hours there.
18. I've been to Spain and France. We wish we could have taken you.
19. Your daddy and I never got a honeymoon. We moved to Kansas instead.
20. I worked for Quik Trip for almost 6 years. That's how your Daddy and I met.
21. I hate scary movies. Your daddy does and thinks it's fun to scare me.
22. I have a big family. Your daddy doesn't.
23. I think my family is crazy. So does your daddy. We love them anyways. So would you.
24. Oh, your daddy and I got married twice. :) Once in June and again in August.
25. I want all of my kids names to start with 'C'. I like the sound.
26. Coming up with 26 things was hard.
love you,
Momma
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
31 day challenge
Cooper,
I'm doing this for you sweet Cooper.
Since October is not only Breast cancer awareness month it is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness month, I am doing this 31 day challenge about my grief progress.
Here is the criteria.
Day 1: Who are you? Share as little or as much about you in general.
Day 2: Tell us about your child(ren). As much or as little as you like. Names, birthdays, stats.
Day 3: Through your grief process who has been your “rock”?
Day 4: Through your grief process what has kept you going?
Day 5: Do you ever get subtle reminds of your angel(s)? If so what what are they? *Winks*
Day 6: How do you answer the question of how many children you have?
Day 7: Do you do something to honor your angel(s)? If so what?
Day 8: Do you feel you have more good days than bad ones?
Day 9: If you have other children how has your loss affected them? If you don’t other children how has your loss affected your relationship with your partner?
Day 10: If you have Rainbows or older children do they know and remember your angel(s)?
Day 11: It is said that Father’s and Mother’s grieve differently. Do you feel this is true with your angel’s father?
Day 12: How has the rest of your family dealt with your loss?
Day 13: Does anyone else besides your speak your child’s name?
Day 14: What have you done to preserve your child’s memories or make new memories of your angel.
Day 15: Today is Pregnancy and Infancy Loss Awareness Day. What are you doing today?
Day 16: Do you take time for yourself?
Day 17: Do you feel your child is watching over you?
Day 18: Have you found something that puts you at peace?
Day 19: What is your happiest memory of your child(ren)?
Day 20: If you have anger…..What are you most angry about?
Day 21: Is there something about your child(ren) that brings a smile to your face?
Day 22: Do you have a song or songs that make you think of your child(ren)
Day 23: Besides changing the outcome, what is one thing you would have done differently?
Day 24: On Birthday’s, Diagnosis Day’s, Anniversaries of Passing. Do you prepare for them?
Day 25: On Birthday’s, Diagnosis Day’s, Anniversaries of Passing. How do you handle them?
Day 26: On a scale of 1 to 10 rate your day today and why?
Day 27: Share a picture.
Day 28: Have you ever corrected or wish you corrected someone about your loss?
Day 29: What are your beliefs as far as where you think your child(ren) is/are. Will you see each other again?
Day 30: How are your preparing for the end of the year? (ie: Holiday’s and starting a new year)
Day 31: Do you feel like 31 days has helped you open up more about your child(ren) and your grief?
love you,
Momma
I'm doing this for you sweet Cooper.
Since October is not only Breast cancer awareness month it is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness month, I am doing this 31 day challenge about my grief progress.
Here is the criteria.
Day 1: Who are you? Share as little or as much about you in general.
Day 2: Tell us about your child(ren). As much or as little as you like. Names, birthdays, stats.
Day 3: Through your grief process who has been your “rock”?
Day 4: Through your grief process what has kept you going?
Day 5: Do you ever get subtle reminds of your angel(s)? If so what what are they? *Winks*
Day 6: How do you answer the question of how many children you have?
Day 7: Do you do something to honor your angel(s)? If so what?
Day 8: Do you feel you have more good days than bad ones?
Day 9: If you have other children how has your loss affected them? If you don’t other children how has your loss affected your relationship with your partner?
Day 10: If you have Rainbows or older children do they know and remember your angel(s)?
Day 11: It is said that Father’s and Mother’s grieve differently. Do you feel this is true with your angel’s father?
Day 12: How has the rest of your family dealt with your loss?
Day 13: Does anyone else besides your speak your child’s name?
Day 14: What have you done to preserve your child’s memories or make new memories of your angel.
Day 15: Today is Pregnancy and Infancy Loss Awareness Day. What are you doing today?
Day 16: Do you take time for yourself?
Day 17: Do you feel your child is watching over you?
Day 18: Have you found something that puts you at peace?
Day 19: What is your happiest memory of your child(ren)?
Day 20: If you have anger…..What are you most angry about?
Day 21: Is there something about your child(ren) that brings a smile to your face?
Day 22: Do you have a song or songs that make you think of your child(ren)
Day 23: Besides changing the outcome, what is one thing you would have done differently?
Day 24: On Birthday’s, Diagnosis Day’s, Anniversaries of Passing. Do you prepare for them?
Day 25: On Birthday’s, Diagnosis Day’s, Anniversaries of Passing. How do you handle them?
Day 26: On a scale of 1 to 10 rate your day today and why?
Day 27: Share a picture.
Day 28: Have you ever corrected or wish you corrected someone about your loss?
Day 29: What are your beliefs as far as where you think your child(ren) is/are. Will you see each other again?
Day 30: How are your preparing for the end of the year? (ie: Holiday’s and starting a new year)
Day 31: Do you feel like 31 days has helped you open up more about your child(ren) and your grief?
love you,
Momma
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
guilty
Cooper,
This weekend your Daddy and I actually laughed. I feel guilty about it because maybe it's too soon to laugh? We went to a wildlife park here outside of town. Daddy tried to get me to ride a camel. But I did feed the giraffes. We had fun. We watched children playing on the playground and I thought of you. I thought of things that I'll never get the chance to see you do. I like to think that you'll get to do them in Heaven and then one day Grandma and you will tell me all about them. One day we'll see you again.
Daddy's having surgery tomorrow. I'm scared thinking about it. Please stay with Daddy tomorrow. Keep him safe.
i'll love you forever.
Momma
This weekend your Daddy and I actually laughed. I feel guilty about it because maybe it's too soon to laugh? We went to a wildlife park here outside of town. Daddy tried to get me to ride a camel. But I did feed the giraffes. We had fun. We watched children playing on the playground and I thought of you. I thought of things that I'll never get the chance to see you do. I like to think that you'll get to do them in Heaven and then one day Grandma and you will tell me all about them. One day we'll see you again.
Daddy's having surgery tomorrow. I'm scared thinking about it. Please stay with Daddy tomorrow. Keep him safe.
i'll love you forever.
Momma
Friday, September 30, 2011
dreams...
Cooper,
I just ordered my Cooper Bear. Another babyloss mama has started to make bears in memory of our angels. They weigh what our angels weighed. It'll take about a year for my Cooper Bear to come, I'm hoping my Cooper Bear will come around your birthday next year. I can't wait to be able to hold him.
I found this quote today. It's in a a book from one of my favorite authors, Nicholas Sparks. "Dreams are always crushing when they don't come true. But its the simple dreams that are often the most painful because they seem so personal, so reasonable, so attainable. You're always close enough to touch, but never quite close enough to hold, and its enough to break your heart." It has been my dream to be a momma. I know there's a possibility to be someone else's momma as well as yours. It's hard to explain sweet boy, I wanted so badly to be your momma for much longer. You didn't crush me though. You made me realize I had only started to live once you were here. My life had only begun when you came into our world. You were our world.
i'll carry you in my heart forever,
momma
I just ordered my Cooper Bear. Another babyloss mama has started to make bears in memory of our angels. They weigh what our angels weighed. It'll take about a year for my Cooper Bear to come, I'm hoping my Cooper Bear will come around your birthday next year. I can't wait to be able to hold him.
I found this quote today. It's in a a book from one of my favorite authors, Nicholas Sparks. "Dreams are always crushing when they don't come true. But its the simple dreams that are often the most painful because they seem so personal, so reasonable, so attainable. You're always close enough to touch, but never quite close enough to hold, and its enough to break your heart." It has been my dream to be a momma. I know there's a possibility to be someone else's momma as well as yours. It's hard to explain sweet boy, I wanted so badly to be your momma for much longer. You didn't crush me though. You made me realize I had only started to live once you were here. My life had only begun when you came into our world. You were our world.
i'll carry you in my heart forever,
momma
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
1 month angelverisary
Cooper,
It's your 1 month angelverisary. I hope they are throwing you a party in heaven. Nana told me that Ma is rocking you and telling you all about me. I hope your Aunt Janet is giving you some art lessons because I love crafts. Please visit Daddy's family and learn all about him. He's pretty special. Because Daddy and I can't seem to do that for you today. Daddy stayed home from work again. I'm not sure what we will do today. But probably not a whole lot. If we were home I'm sure we'd go and visit you baby. I really hope someone visits you today. I can't believe it's only been 1 month it seems so much longer than. And I think back to to how long it feels since the 19th. That seems long too. But the 9 days you spent here with us just seem so short. Your Papa Don called me on Monday asking if was alright if they had a picture made of you to put up in their house. Of course I said yes. I think I'd be more hurt if it was just pictures of Norah. I was looking forward to having your pictures taken at all of those important milestones and then being able to send them to everyone and tell them how proud of you I was and how cute you were. Baby, I was so proud of you and you were the most perfect looking baby I'd ever seen before. I think even your nurses were in love with you. I made KP promise to tell me if I had an ugly baby because since they always looks ugly or funny once they are born but she said you were the prettiest baby she'd seen and she's got 2 boys of her own. And those 2 boys were so excited to meet you and play with you when you got home. Westin even picked out a special blankie like his for just for you. It's the prettiest blue and gray with a monkey on top. Cooper that will always be your blankie. We promise not to let little brother or sisters to play with it. It's Cooper blankie.
I've been having trouble lately with being happy for friends who are experiencing pregnancies. I get upset with them because they seem to be so naive about it all. I will never be naive about a pregnancy again. I'm sure I'll have days where I'll feel happy about it but I'm worried that I will have many more where I'll be anxious about it. The only friends that I feel like I can truly be happy for are the ones that have experience a loss. I cry for them out of pure happiness because I know how much they hurt at one point. They get a chance at having their rainbow baby and I hope that the pregnancy will lead to their rainbow baby! I only hope that one day I can truly be happy for 's pregnancy. Because when we have our rainbow baby I want them to be cheering us on. I know sweet boy that you will.
I worry that people will forget about us in the months to come. That they think we're fine. And the phone calls and cards will all stop. I'm worried about Christmas at your Mimi's. She always throws a huge party on Christmas Eve. I know you would have been the center of attention with Norah. Everyone would want to hold you and love on you. But know we won't have you to wake up on Christmas and spoil you. It'll just be Daddy and me. I like to think we'll be okay but I don't know that for sure. I'm sure there will be tears, that I know for sure. But past that I don't know what else. Daddy and I were looking forward to starting some traditions. But I don't know if I want to do that without you. We plan on buying you, your own special ornament. But I don't know what else to do for you. I was thinking about getting an angel of the angel tree in your honor. Spending the money we would have spent on you on another little boy. Maybe this is something Daddy and I can do every year. I worry about when Mother's and Father's Day roll around next year. Will people forget about us then, too? Just because you aren't here? We were your mother and father for 9 days. Just because you aren't here doesn't mean we aren't mommy or daddy any more. I want to plan something really nice for your Daddy that day. I hope you'll come and visit us those days. I know you're really never far away because we carry you in our hearts now. But we miss you so much baby boy. Words can't even descrive how much we loved you. Someone told me the other day how much more God loves you than Daddy or I ever will. I just can't wrap my head around that idea because of how much we loved you. Daddy and I wanted to fight for you so much. We would have given you anything to make you live and be able to be with us today.
There's a name for someone who loses their spouse, a widow.
There's a name for a child who loses their parents, an orphan.
But there is no name for someone who loses a child.
We love you sweet boy,
Momma
It's your 1 month angelverisary. I hope they are throwing you a party in heaven. Nana told me that Ma is rocking you and telling you all about me. I hope your Aunt Janet is giving you some art lessons because I love crafts. Please visit Daddy's family and learn all about him. He's pretty special. Because Daddy and I can't seem to do that for you today. Daddy stayed home from work again. I'm not sure what we will do today. But probably not a whole lot. If we were home I'm sure we'd go and visit you baby. I really hope someone visits you today. I can't believe it's only been 1 month it seems so much longer than. And I think back to to how long it feels since the 19th. That seems long too. But the 9 days you spent here with us just seem so short. Your Papa Don called me on Monday asking if was alright if they had a picture made of you to put up in their house. Of course I said yes. I think I'd be more hurt if it was just pictures of Norah. I was looking forward to having your pictures taken at all of those important milestones and then being able to send them to everyone and tell them how proud of you I was and how cute you were. Baby, I was so proud of you and you were the most perfect looking baby I'd ever seen before. I think even your nurses were in love with you. I made KP promise to tell me if I had an ugly baby because since they always looks ugly or funny once they are born but she said you were the prettiest baby she'd seen and she's got 2 boys of her own. And those 2 boys were so excited to meet you and play with you when you got home. Westin even picked out a special blankie like his for just for you. It's the prettiest blue and gray with a monkey on top. Cooper that will always be your blankie. We promise not to let little brother or sisters to play with it. It's Cooper blankie.
I've been having trouble lately with being happy for friends who are experiencing pregnancies. I get upset with them because they seem to be so naive about it all. I will never be naive about a pregnancy again. I'm sure I'll have days where I'll feel happy about it but I'm worried that I will have many more where I'll be anxious about it. The only friends that I feel like I can truly be happy for are the ones that have experience a loss. I cry for them out of pure happiness because I know how much they hurt at one point. They get a chance at having their rainbow baby and I hope that the pregnancy will lead to their rainbow baby! I only hope that one day I can truly be happy for 's pregnancy. Because when we have our rainbow baby I want them to be cheering us on. I know sweet boy that you will.
I worry that people will forget about us in the months to come. That they think we're fine. And the phone calls and cards will all stop. I'm worried about Christmas at your Mimi's. She always throws a huge party on Christmas Eve. I know you would have been the center of attention with Norah. Everyone would want to hold you and love on you. But know we won't have you to wake up on Christmas and spoil you. It'll just be Daddy and me. I like to think we'll be okay but I don't know that for sure. I'm sure there will be tears, that I know for sure. But past that I don't know what else. Daddy and I were looking forward to starting some traditions. But I don't know if I want to do that without you. We plan on buying you, your own special ornament. But I don't know what else to do for you. I was thinking about getting an angel of the angel tree in your honor. Spending the money we would have spent on you on another little boy. Maybe this is something Daddy and I can do every year. I worry about when Mother's and Father's Day roll around next year. Will people forget about us then, too? Just because you aren't here? We were your mother and father for 9 days. Just because you aren't here doesn't mean we aren't mommy or daddy any more. I want to plan something really nice for your Daddy that day. I hope you'll come and visit us those days. I know you're really never far away because we carry you in our hearts now. But we miss you so much baby boy. Words can't even descrive how much we loved you. Someone told me the other day how much more God loves you than Daddy or I ever will. I just can't wrap my head around that idea because of how much we loved you. Daddy and I wanted to fight for you so much. We would have given you anything to make you live and be able to be with us today.
There's a name for someone who loses their spouse, a widow.
There's a name for a child who loses their parents, an orphan.
But there is no name for someone who loses a child.
We love you sweet boy,
Momma
Monday, September 26, 2011
March for Babies
Cooper,
Mommy and Daddy love you so much sweet boy. Yesterday was your due date. We stayed home and just kept ourselves. We can't believe you've almost been gone a month now. We miss you so much. We hope you are having fun with Jesus and our grandparents. We know they were so excited to welcome you into heaven! Please give Baby Sala a big hug and kiss from us. We can't wait to see you again.
Mommy and Daddy have decided to walk in the March for Babies just for you. They are doing all kinds of research so that what happened to you won't have to happen to other babies. We plan on doing it every year just for you Cooper. And Norah too! You would have loved playing with your cousin. We want to raise lots of money in your memory and the celebration of Norah. A lot of ZTA sisters are going to walk with us just for you. And your Godmomma Kristen is too! She loved you so much. Did you see her read the poem at your funeral? You would have loved her. I know she was ready to spoil you rotten. Mommy and Daddy are having t-shirts made with your name and picture on them.
love you to the moon and back
Momma
Mommy and Daddy love you so much sweet boy. Yesterday was your due date. We stayed home and just kept ourselves. We can't believe you've almost been gone a month now. We miss you so much. We hope you are having fun with Jesus and our grandparents. We know they were so excited to welcome you into heaven! Please give Baby Sala a big hug and kiss from us. We can't wait to see you again.
Mommy and Daddy have decided to walk in the March for Babies just for you. They are doing all kinds of research so that what happened to you won't have to happen to other babies. We plan on doing it every year just for you Cooper. And Norah too! You would have loved playing with your cousin. We want to raise lots of money in your memory and the celebration of Norah. A lot of ZTA sisters are going to walk with us just for you. And your Godmomma Kristen is too! She loved you so much. Did you see her read the poem at your funeral? You would have loved her. I know she was ready to spoil you rotten. Mommy and Daddy are having t-shirts made with your name and picture on them.
love you to the moon and back
Momma
Friday, September 23, 2011
another day
Cooper,
I woke up this morning with a feeling of excitment like I did when I was still pregnant with you. Like I had something to look forward to and I couldn't wait for it to happen. And then sweet boy, I realized again that you are gone. The feeling left me immediatly.
Last night was awful. I heard voices coming from outside and couldn't figure out what it was. I finally looked out the window to realize they were coming from our neighbors who are due today and our other neighbors who had their baby girl earlier this month. It's hard to be happy for people when a month ago we had you and were starting our family at last. We wanted you for so long and only got to spend time with you for 9 days. 9 days that were not nearly enough for me or your daddy. I know I should be happy for them and part of me is, honestly Cooper. I don't know where they've been. I don't know if they've lost any babies. But if they havn't why us and not them? Why did they get to bring home their babies? We got a box of your things. A freakin box. I treasure those things more than anything else in the world. But I don't get it. They get babies, we get a box???? I can't cuddle with a box, I can't kiss a box, I can't change a box's diaper. I can't be a mother to a box. I was supposed to be your momma and take care of you. But I can't now.
I know I shouldn't but part of me blames myself for you. Everyone has told me it's not my fault. It just happens. But I wonder if maybe I had been more aware of what was going on with me or spoken up when I saw my blood pressure going up. Then you'd still be safe growing inside of me. I think about still being pregnant with you. I think about the last nine months. I remember distinctly telling your daddy that you might be an only child. And I remember being terrified when they said I was going to have to have a c-section and really thinking that AGAIN. But then when I finally got to see you for the first time and they were taking you to the NICU I knew I could do it all over again, including the Pre-E. I'd do it all again just to have you.
I want so badly to have more children. We knew we wanted to be parents before we had you and while we were preparing for you. But we didn't realize how much we wanted you and other children until after you were here. It's scary being a parent though. We want to do it all again. But I'm afraid to think of what I'll be like once we have other children. Am I going to be that crazy momma who when their baby just looks at them funny they call the doctor? I know your daddy will be my voice of reason. But this entire thing has completely changed me and I havn't figure our quite yet if it's for the better or worse.
I can't wrap my mind around the fact that in the morning you were this perfectly healthy little boy and 8 hours later you were a very sick little boy who was already fighting for his life. I just don't understand it. I hate NEC. I do not understand why people are not doing more to understand it. If it's such a mystery than why aren't they doing more??? 10% of preemies will get NEC and 25% of those babies will fight and not survive. That's not fair Cooper. There shouldn't be any babies not surviving. They should all be surviving. Or at least you. I thought for sure that it was going to be in 10 or 20 years we'd look back and tell you how you scared the living daylights out of us and you'd just have a pretty cool scar to show. But that's not what happened. I also see what could have happened to you. I see the information about colostomy bags and short bowel syndrome. I can't imagine what kind of life you would have had. Would you have thought were were selfish beacuse we put you through all of that? We wouldn't have loved you any less. You wouldn't have looked perfect or had the perfect body that you were born with but at least you would have been alive baby! I would have done anything for you. Daddy and I talk a lot about how we would have traded places with you in an instant. We didn't want you to hurt. This was a big battle to fight and you wer just so small. But we knew you were a big fighter in a little body. Everyone called you a trooper. Baby you were a trooper. I think about everything that happened during your 9 days. I don't know if I would have been able to handle it all. You were so brave.
love you to the moon and back
momma
I woke up this morning with a feeling of excitment like I did when I was still pregnant with you. Like I had something to look forward to and I couldn't wait for it to happen. And then sweet boy, I realized again that you are gone. The feeling left me immediatly.
Last night was awful. I heard voices coming from outside and couldn't figure out what it was. I finally looked out the window to realize they were coming from our neighbors who are due today and our other neighbors who had their baby girl earlier this month. It's hard to be happy for people when a month ago we had you and were starting our family at last. We wanted you for so long and only got to spend time with you for 9 days. 9 days that were not nearly enough for me or your daddy. I know I should be happy for them and part of me is, honestly Cooper. I don't know where they've been. I don't know if they've lost any babies. But if they havn't why us and not them? Why did they get to bring home their babies? We got a box of your things. A freakin box. I treasure those things more than anything else in the world. But I don't get it. They get babies, we get a box???? I can't cuddle with a box, I can't kiss a box, I can't change a box's diaper. I can't be a mother to a box. I was supposed to be your momma and take care of you. But I can't now.
I know I shouldn't but part of me blames myself for you. Everyone has told me it's not my fault. It just happens. But I wonder if maybe I had been more aware of what was going on with me or spoken up when I saw my blood pressure going up. Then you'd still be safe growing inside of me. I think about still being pregnant with you. I think about the last nine months. I remember distinctly telling your daddy that you might be an only child. And I remember being terrified when they said I was going to have to have a c-section and really thinking that AGAIN. But then when I finally got to see you for the first time and they were taking you to the NICU I knew I could do it all over again, including the Pre-E. I'd do it all again just to have you.
I want so badly to have more children. We knew we wanted to be parents before we had you and while we were preparing for you. But we didn't realize how much we wanted you and other children until after you were here. It's scary being a parent though. We want to do it all again. But I'm afraid to think of what I'll be like once we have other children. Am I going to be that crazy momma who when their baby just looks at them funny they call the doctor? I know your daddy will be my voice of reason. But this entire thing has completely changed me and I havn't figure our quite yet if it's for the better or worse.
I can't wrap my mind around the fact that in the morning you were this perfectly healthy little boy and 8 hours later you were a very sick little boy who was already fighting for his life. I just don't understand it. I hate NEC. I do not understand why people are not doing more to understand it. If it's such a mystery than why aren't they doing more??? 10% of preemies will get NEC and 25% of those babies will fight and not survive. That's not fair Cooper. There shouldn't be any babies not surviving. They should all be surviving. Or at least you. I thought for sure that it was going to be in 10 or 20 years we'd look back and tell you how you scared the living daylights out of us and you'd just have a pretty cool scar to show. But that's not what happened. I also see what could have happened to you. I see the information about colostomy bags and short bowel syndrome. I can't imagine what kind of life you would have had. Would you have thought were were selfish beacuse we put you through all of that? We wouldn't have loved you any less. You wouldn't have looked perfect or had the perfect body that you were born with but at least you would have been alive baby! I would have done anything for you. Daddy and I talk a lot about how we would have traded places with you in an instant. We didn't want you to hurt. This was a big battle to fight and you wer just so small. But we knew you were a big fighter in a little body. Everyone called you a trooper. Baby you were a trooper. I think about everything that happened during your 9 days. I don't know if I would have been able to handle it all. You were so brave.
love you to the moon and back
momma
Thursday, September 22, 2011
am i forgeting?
Cooper,
I talked to your Nana and yesterday and I told her I thought I was forgeting you. I can't remember the way you looked or the way you felt in my arms. I can't remember it. It kills me to think I'm already forgetting you sweet boy. It hasn't been that long and yet I feel like it's been forever. Your due date is in 3 days. I just want to fly right through it and wake up on Monday.
I try to think about the things I do remember. Like kissing your head and your smell and how soft your skin was. I remember when they laid you on my chest and you had the hiccups and it looked like you were head banging. Daddy just thought it was the funniest thing. You always got the hiccups when it was time to feed. I remember during kangaroo care, we would both fall asleep together. You would move or stretch and make noise and it would wake me right up and we'd snuggle just a little bit closer. Cooper, those are times I treasure the most with you. Feeling you on my chest snuggled together skin-to-skin, just rocking in our corner of the TLC room. Or watching you and daddy rock together. I have that picture and will always treasure it.
I remember right after I had you and I hadn't had the chance to see you yet and I asked Daddy to make sure you were a boy. I wanted a girl so much. But now I can't imagine having a girl. I only want a boy. I want you to have a little brother. I want to tell him all about you and about the week when you changed our lives. And about the day you made us parents. Cooper you made us mommy and daddy and NO ONE will ever be able to take that special place from you. I'm not afraid anymore to think about people asking us how many children we have. I will proudly tell them about you Cooper. I will tell them EVERYTHING.
love you baby boy,
Momma
I talked to your Nana and yesterday and I told her I thought I was forgeting you. I can't remember the way you looked or the way you felt in my arms. I can't remember it. It kills me to think I'm already forgetting you sweet boy. It hasn't been that long and yet I feel like it's been forever. Your due date is in 3 days. I just want to fly right through it and wake up on Monday.
I try to think about the things I do remember. Like kissing your head and your smell and how soft your skin was. I remember when they laid you on my chest and you had the hiccups and it looked like you were head banging. Daddy just thought it was the funniest thing. You always got the hiccups when it was time to feed. I remember during kangaroo care, we would both fall asleep together. You would move or stretch and make noise and it would wake me right up and we'd snuggle just a little bit closer. Cooper, those are times I treasure the most with you. Feeling you on my chest snuggled together skin-to-skin, just rocking in our corner of the TLC room. Or watching you and daddy rock together. I have that picture and will always treasure it.
I remember right after I had you and I hadn't had the chance to see you yet and I asked Daddy to make sure you were a boy. I wanted a girl so much. But now I can't imagine having a girl. I only want a boy. I want you to have a little brother. I want to tell him all about you and about the week when you changed our lives. And about the day you made us parents. Cooper you made us mommy and daddy and NO ONE will ever be able to take that special place from you. I'm not afraid anymore to think about people asking us how many children we have. I will proudly tell them about you Cooper. I will tell them EVERYTHING.
love you baby boy,
Momma
Monday, September 19, 2011
things you'll never get to do...
Cooper,
So Daddy says you would have been 1 month old today. I can't believe it. He's already called me from work to see how I'm doing. He would have been the best daddy in the world to you. I can't even begin to tell you how much he loved you little boy. It drove him crazy that I called you brother and it was just you. He thought it was the greatest thing ever the day you pooped on him and not yourself. You were your father's son.
It rained this weekend baby boy. All I could think about during the thunder and lightning was that this would have kept you up and you'd be crying during all of it. But once you got old I know you would have appreciated a good rain storm like your dad. I hate tornadoes but your daddy loves them and would stand outside and watch them if he could. I know he would have taken you with him when you were older. Please watch over him.
I've been thinking a lot about the things you'll miss out on. Daddy says he tries to not think about them because it hurts him. But I do it anyways. I think daddy is going to miss taking you fishing and buying your first car the most. What will we do if you just have sisters? I think Daddy might have a problem with that. Please Daddy a boy one day Cooper. I know how much he wants one. I wish you could have seen his face the day we found out that you were going to be a boy. He told EVERYONE. He even called his office just to tell them he was going to have a SON. I don't think I've ever seen him happier. Please send a little brother for your daddy.
Momma loves you brave boy.
So Daddy says you would have been 1 month old today. I can't believe it. He's already called me from work to see how I'm doing. He would have been the best daddy in the world to you. I can't even begin to tell you how much he loved you little boy. It drove him crazy that I called you brother and it was just you. He thought it was the greatest thing ever the day you pooped on him and not yourself. You were your father's son.
It rained this weekend baby boy. All I could think about during the thunder and lightning was that this would have kept you up and you'd be crying during all of it. But once you got old I know you would have appreciated a good rain storm like your dad. I hate tornadoes but your daddy loves them and would stand outside and watch them if he could. I know he would have taken you with him when you were older. Please watch over him.
I've been thinking a lot about the things you'll miss out on. Daddy says he tries to not think about them because it hurts him. But I do it anyways. I think daddy is going to miss taking you fishing and buying your first car the most. What will we do if you just have sisters? I think Daddy might have a problem with that. Please Daddy a boy one day Cooper. I know how much he wants one. I wish you could have seen his face the day we found out that you were going to be a boy. He told EVERYONE. He even called his office just to tell them he was going to have a SON. I don't think I've ever seen him happier. Please send a little brother for your daddy.
Momma loves you brave boy.
Friday, September 16, 2011
1 month...
Cooper,
You would have been 1 month today. I can't believe how long it's been since we saw you last. Some days I feel like I'm already forgeting what you loooked like and then I'll look at your pictures and I'll your sweet face. Baby boy, I swear you looked exactly like me. But you made faces just like your daddy. You hated to have your clothes taken off and your diaper changed. I think you hated being cold. I hate being cold, I think you got that from me too. But you made these faces like you were going scream bloody murder and then you'd just fall back asleep. Sleep, you got the from the both of us. We LOVE to sleep in this family.
Cooper, I feel we were robbed of time with you. I think about about what kind of job you would have had or what you would have been like in high school. Or in LIFE in general. Daddy was supposed to have taken you fishing with Uncle Charlie and Papa Don. I was supposed to have taught you how to read. And then the 3 of us would have spent hours at the book store together. You and Norah would have been so close in age. You would have started kindergarten the same year. I think about family vacations and pictures and holidays you will never get to be a part of.
We're getting a new house baby. Please don't be mad at us. We can't stay here anymore. There's too many memories here for us. You spent your entire nine months here. This is a house we'll never get to take you home too. Did you know your Kimmy and Papa Don cleaned the entire house because you were born so early? Do you know how much they loved you? Did you know all 3 of grandma, bought you clothes the same weekened? I was terrified I wasn't going to have anything to bring you home in because you were so small. And Kristin washed everything for you. The week you were in the hospital and we were waiting to bring you home, I went through all of your clothes and tried to organize them. Your Daddy was so mad at me. He thought I should have been resting. But all I wanted to do was take care of you. I spent an entire afternoon sorting through and oraganizing your clothes. It's still the way I left. Smaller sizes hanging up ready for you to wear, while the bigger clothes are sitting in piles in your crib to be put away. I can't believe you'll never get to wear any of it.
Cooper, we miss you so much. We talk about you a lot. We love and are so proud to call you our son. I'm such a proud momma. I'll even tell perfect strangers about you. I will ALWAYS tell people about you. Baby, I can't wait until you are a big brother and we can tell you brothers or sisters all about you. Everyone loved you. Even your nurses. Did you know they cried with us? They didn't want to leave you either. Did you know that? They kept you with them until someone came for you. You were so special to everyone that met you.
Daddy and I will get better, I promise you. We learn smile and laugh again. Please baby, just give us some time. I promise, we'll learn to live again, sweet boy.
I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living my baby you'll be.
Love, Momma
You would have been 1 month today. I can't believe how long it's been since we saw you last. Some days I feel like I'm already forgeting what you loooked like and then I'll look at your pictures and I'll your sweet face. Baby boy, I swear you looked exactly like me. But you made faces just like your daddy. You hated to have your clothes taken off and your diaper changed. I think you hated being cold. I hate being cold, I think you got that from me too. But you made these faces like you were going scream bloody murder and then you'd just fall back asleep. Sleep, you got the from the both of us. We LOVE to sleep in this family.
Cooper, I feel we were robbed of time with you. I think about about what kind of job you would have had or what you would have been like in high school. Or in LIFE in general. Daddy was supposed to have taken you fishing with Uncle Charlie and Papa Don. I was supposed to have taught you how to read. And then the 3 of us would have spent hours at the book store together. You and Norah would have been so close in age. You would have started kindergarten the same year. I think about family vacations and pictures and holidays you will never get to be a part of.
We're getting a new house baby. Please don't be mad at us. We can't stay here anymore. There's too many memories here for us. You spent your entire nine months here. This is a house we'll never get to take you home too. Did you know your Kimmy and Papa Don cleaned the entire house because you were born so early? Do you know how much they loved you? Did you know all 3 of grandma, bought you clothes the same weekened? I was terrified I wasn't going to have anything to bring you home in because you were so small. And Kristin washed everything for you. The week you were in the hospital and we were waiting to bring you home, I went through all of your clothes and tried to organize them. Your Daddy was so mad at me. He thought I should have been resting. But all I wanted to do was take care of you. I spent an entire afternoon sorting through and oraganizing your clothes. It's still the way I left. Smaller sizes hanging up ready for you to wear, while the bigger clothes are sitting in piles in your crib to be put away. I can't believe you'll never get to wear any of it.
Cooper, we miss you so much. We talk about you a lot. We love and are so proud to call you our son. I'm such a proud momma. I'll even tell perfect strangers about you. I will ALWAYS tell people about you. Baby, I can't wait until you are a big brother and we can tell you brothers or sisters all about you. Everyone loved you. Even your nurses. Did you know they cried with us? They didn't want to leave you either. Did you know that? They kept you with them until someone came for you. You were so special to everyone that met you.
Daddy and I will get better, I promise you. We learn smile and laugh again. Please baby, just give us some time. I promise, we'll learn to live again, sweet boy.
I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living my baby you'll be.
Love, Momma
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