Overcome with Grief...

Cooper,

The first major holiday since you've left has come and gone.  I thought I would be 'okay' up until the point when we crossed over into Oklahoma on our way home.  After that it was all just downhill from there.  Wednesday night we went to Papa Don's and Kimmy's and I cried most of the way there knowing your cousin was inside sleeping.  And I sat there and cried for what seemed forever.  We went out to see the new Muppet movie with your Uncle Matt and Aunt Kisha.  The next day was just as bad.  We got to your Papa Don's and Kimmy's before anyone else.  I started tearing up almost immediately and wondered off to be by myself and I found where they put up your picture.  I think I sat there and stared at it forever.  Daddy finally came and found me and we walked and talked for a bit.  We we came back I had a nice talk with Aunt Kisha and told her some of the things I was feeling.  She was really understanding about it.  I mean there is no handbook for situations like this. 

Friday morning, we went and picked out your headstone.  It's not what we orginally thought we would get for you.  I wouldn't say I love it or think it's perfect because well it's your headstone.  Not exactly what I thought I'd be shopping for this Black Friday at all.  But I think it's nice.  We went out and visited you after that was all done.  You have some 'over zealous' neighbors.  I was a little upset by the fact that I feel like they took some of your space.  I really want your headstone up so we know it's your little piece of land.  I think they put a few things on your grave.  I don't know if they did to be nice or if they think no one visits you.  But part of me just wants to to tell them we aren't bad parents but that your Daddy has a very important job to do and we wanted you to be surrounded by family that we knew would visit you.  It breaks my heart that I can't come out there more.  But I know you aren't there and you are watching over us.  The rest of the day was pretty uneventful we pretty much napped the rest of the day and then went out with some friends.

The next day we had another Thanksgiving.  I actually held Norah.  I wasn't avoiding holding her but I also wasn't trying to hold her either.  It was pretty uneventful for the most part.  I think everyone was sort of shocked that I held her.  I felt like everyone was watching and holding their breath to see how I would react, if I would be okay with holding her.  Sunday was also pretty uneventful, Daddy and I had pictures taken and then we headed back home.  We gave Binx a bath and just did nothing.


Today was hard though.  I feel all of this grief has come from out of nowhere.  I still hurt but it seems like the last few days I cry a lot more often and then a mother saw your story on Faces of Loss. She sent me an e-mail and there were little details about what happened that are quite similar to her's story.  I have feeling you met a new friend recently.  I have a feeling that you make lots of friends.

I'm going to see another doctor on Thursday to see about making you a big brother.  It's hard to think that your Daddy and I are talking about babies and trying for another.  It's unreal.  I can promise you that any brothers or sisters you have, they will know all about you 9 days you spent here on Earth with us.  Those were 9 greatest and happiest days of my life.  I loved and will continue to love being your Momma.

love you to the moon and back,
Momma