Cooper,
I just ordered my Cooper Bear. Another babyloss mama has started to make bears in memory of our angels. They weigh what our angels weighed. It'll take about a year for my Cooper Bear to come, I'm hoping my Cooper Bear will come around your birthday next year. I can't wait to be able to hold him.
I found this quote today. It's in a a book from one of my favorite authors, Nicholas Sparks. "Dreams are always crushing when they don't come true. But its the simple dreams that are often the most painful because they seem so personal, so reasonable, so attainable. You're always close enough to touch, but never quite close enough to hold, and its enough to break your heart." It has been my dream to be a momma. I know there's a possibility to be someone else's momma as well as yours. It's hard to explain sweet boy, I wanted so badly to be your momma for much longer. You didn't crush me though. You made me realize I had only started to live once you were here. My life had only begun when you came into our world. You were our world.
i'll carry you in my heart forever,
momma
Friday, September 30, 2011
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
1 month angelverisary
Cooper,
It's your 1 month angelverisary. I hope they are throwing you a party in heaven. Nana told me that Ma is rocking you and telling you all about me. I hope your Aunt Janet is giving you some art lessons because I love crafts. Please visit Daddy's family and learn all about him. He's pretty special. Because Daddy and I can't seem to do that for you today. Daddy stayed home from work again. I'm not sure what we will do today. But probably not a whole lot. If we were home I'm sure we'd go and visit you baby. I really hope someone visits you today. I can't believe it's only been 1 month it seems so much longer than. And I think back to to how long it feels since the 19th. That seems long too. But the 9 days you spent here with us just seem so short. Your Papa Don called me on Monday asking if was alright if they had a picture made of you to put up in their house. Of course I said yes. I think I'd be more hurt if it was just pictures of Norah. I was looking forward to having your pictures taken at all of those important milestones and then being able to send them to everyone and tell them how proud of you I was and how cute you were. Baby, I was so proud of you and you were the most perfect looking baby I'd ever seen before. I think even your nurses were in love with you. I made KP promise to tell me if I had an ugly baby because since they always looks ugly or funny once they are born but she said you were the prettiest baby she'd seen and she's got 2 boys of her own. And those 2 boys were so excited to meet you and play with you when you got home. Westin even picked out a special blankie like his for just for you. It's the prettiest blue and gray with a monkey on top. Cooper that will always be your blankie. We promise not to let little brother or sisters to play with it. It's Cooper blankie.
I've been having trouble lately with being happy for friends who are experiencing pregnancies. I get upset with them because they seem to be so naive about it all. I will never be naive about a pregnancy again. I'm sure I'll have days where I'll feel happy about it but I'm worried that I will have many more where I'll be anxious about it. The only friends that I feel like I can truly be happy for are the ones that have experience a loss. I cry for them out of pure happiness because I know how much they hurt at one point. They get a chance at having their rainbow baby and I hope that the pregnancy will lead to their rainbow baby! I only hope that one day I can truly be happy for 's pregnancy. Because when we have our rainbow baby I want them to be cheering us on. I know sweet boy that you will.
I worry that people will forget about us in the months to come. That they think we're fine. And the phone calls and cards will all stop. I'm worried about Christmas at your Mimi's. She always throws a huge party on Christmas Eve. I know you would have been the center of attention with Norah. Everyone would want to hold you and love on you. But know we won't have you to wake up on Christmas and spoil you. It'll just be Daddy and me. I like to think we'll be okay but I don't know that for sure. I'm sure there will be tears, that I know for sure. But past that I don't know what else. Daddy and I were looking forward to starting some traditions. But I don't know if I want to do that without you. We plan on buying you, your own special ornament. But I don't know what else to do for you. I was thinking about getting an angel of the angel tree in your honor. Spending the money we would have spent on you on another little boy. Maybe this is something Daddy and I can do every year. I worry about when Mother's and Father's Day roll around next year. Will people forget about us then, too? Just because you aren't here? We were your mother and father for 9 days. Just because you aren't here doesn't mean we aren't mommy or daddy any more. I want to plan something really nice for your Daddy that day. I hope you'll come and visit us those days. I know you're really never far away because we carry you in our hearts now. But we miss you so much baby boy. Words can't even descrive how much we loved you. Someone told me the other day how much more God loves you than Daddy or I ever will. I just can't wrap my head around that idea because of how much we loved you. Daddy and I wanted to fight for you so much. We would have given you anything to make you live and be able to be with us today.
There's a name for someone who loses their spouse, a widow.
There's a name for a child who loses their parents, an orphan.
But there is no name for someone who loses a child.
We love you sweet boy,
Momma
It's your 1 month angelverisary. I hope they are throwing you a party in heaven. Nana told me that Ma is rocking you and telling you all about me. I hope your Aunt Janet is giving you some art lessons because I love crafts. Please visit Daddy's family and learn all about him. He's pretty special. Because Daddy and I can't seem to do that for you today. Daddy stayed home from work again. I'm not sure what we will do today. But probably not a whole lot. If we were home I'm sure we'd go and visit you baby. I really hope someone visits you today. I can't believe it's only been 1 month it seems so much longer than. And I think back to to how long it feels since the 19th. That seems long too. But the 9 days you spent here with us just seem so short. Your Papa Don called me on Monday asking if was alright if they had a picture made of you to put up in their house. Of course I said yes. I think I'd be more hurt if it was just pictures of Norah. I was looking forward to having your pictures taken at all of those important milestones and then being able to send them to everyone and tell them how proud of you I was and how cute you were. Baby, I was so proud of you and you were the most perfect looking baby I'd ever seen before. I think even your nurses were in love with you. I made KP promise to tell me if I had an ugly baby because since they always looks ugly or funny once they are born but she said you were the prettiest baby she'd seen and she's got 2 boys of her own. And those 2 boys were so excited to meet you and play with you when you got home. Westin even picked out a special blankie like his for just for you. It's the prettiest blue and gray with a monkey on top. Cooper that will always be your blankie. We promise not to let little brother or sisters to play with it. It's Cooper blankie.
I've been having trouble lately with being happy for friends who are experiencing pregnancies. I get upset with them because they seem to be so naive about it all. I will never be naive about a pregnancy again. I'm sure I'll have days where I'll feel happy about it but I'm worried that I will have many more where I'll be anxious about it. The only friends that I feel like I can truly be happy for are the ones that have experience a loss. I cry for them out of pure happiness because I know how much they hurt at one point. They get a chance at having their rainbow baby and I hope that the pregnancy will lead to their rainbow baby! I only hope that one day I can truly be happy for 's pregnancy. Because when we have our rainbow baby I want them to be cheering us on. I know sweet boy that you will.
I worry that people will forget about us in the months to come. That they think we're fine. And the phone calls and cards will all stop. I'm worried about Christmas at your Mimi's. She always throws a huge party on Christmas Eve. I know you would have been the center of attention with Norah. Everyone would want to hold you and love on you. But know we won't have you to wake up on Christmas and spoil you. It'll just be Daddy and me. I like to think we'll be okay but I don't know that for sure. I'm sure there will be tears, that I know for sure. But past that I don't know what else. Daddy and I were looking forward to starting some traditions. But I don't know if I want to do that without you. We plan on buying you, your own special ornament. But I don't know what else to do for you. I was thinking about getting an angel of the angel tree in your honor. Spending the money we would have spent on you on another little boy. Maybe this is something Daddy and I can do every year. I worry about when Mother's and Father's Day roll around next year. Will people forget about us then, too? Just because you aren't here? We were your mother and father for 9 days. Just because you aren't here doesn't mean we aren't mommy or daddy any more. I want to plan something really nice for your Daddy that day. I hope you'll come and visit us those days. I know you're really never far away because we carry you in our hearts now. But we miss you so much baby boy. Words can't even descrive how much we loved you. Someone told me the other day how much more God loves you than Daddy or I ever will. I just can't wrap my head around that idea because of how much we loved you. Daddy and I wanted to fight for you so much. We would have given you anything to make you live and be able to be with us today.
There's a name for someone who loses their spouse, a widow.
There's a name for a child who loses their parents, an orphan.
But there is no name for someone who loses a child.
We love you sweet boy,
Momma
Monday, September 26, 2011
March for Babies
Cooper,
Mommy and Daddy love you so much sweet boy. Yesterday was your due date. We stayed home and just kept ourselves. We can't believe you've almost been gone a month now. We miss you so much. We hope you are having fun with Jesus and our grandparents. We know they were so excited to welcome you into heaven! Please give Baby Sala a big hug and kiss from us. We can't wait to see you again.
Mommy and Daddy have decided to walk in the March for Babies just for you. They are doing all kinds of research so that what happened to you won't have to happen to other babies. We plan on doing it every year just for you Cooper. And Norah too! You would have loved playing with your cousin. We want to raise lots of money in your memory and the celebration of Norah. A lot of ZTA sisters are going to walk with us just for you. And your Godmomma Kristen is too! She loved you so much. Did you see her read the poem at your funeral? You would have loved her. I know she was ready to spoil you rotten. Mommy and Daddy are having t-shirts made with your name and picture on them.
love you to the moon and back
Momma
Mommy and Daddy love you so much sweet boy. Yesterday was your due date. We stayed home and just kept ourselves. We can't believe you've almost been gone a month now. We miss you so much. We hope you are having fun with Jesus and our grandparents. We know they were so excited to welcome you into heaven! Please give Baby Sala a big hug and kiss from us. We can't wait to see you again.
Mommy and Daddy have decided to walk in the March for Babies just for you. They are doing all kinds of research so that what happened to you won't have to happen to other babies. We plan on doing it every year just for you Cooper. And Norah too! You would have loved playing with your cousin. We want to raise lots of money in your memory and the celebration of Norah. A lot of ZTA sisters are going to walk with us just for you. And your Godmomma Kristen is too! She loved you so much. Did you see her read the poem at your funeral? You would have loved her. I know she was ready to spoil you rotten. Mommy and Daddy are having t-shirts made with your name and picture on them.
love you to the moon and back
Momma
Friday, September 23, 2011
another day
Cooper,
I woke up this morning with a feeling of excitment like I did when I was still pregnant with you. Like I had something to look forward to and I couldn't wait for it to happen. And then sweet boy, I realized again that you are gone. The feeling left me immediatly.
Last night was awful. I heard voices coming from outside and couldn't figure out what it was. I finally looked out the window to realize they were coming from our neighbors who are due today and our other neighbors who had their baby girl earlier this month. It's hard to be happy for people when a month ago we had you and were starting our family at last. We wanted you for so long and only got to spend time with you for 9 days. 9 days that were not nearly enough for me or your daddy. I know I should be happy for them and part of me is, honestly Cooper. I don't know where they've been. I don't know if they've lost any babies. But if they havn't why us and not them? Why did they get to bring home their babies? We got a box of your things. A freakin box. I treasure those things more than anything else in the world. But I don't get it. They get babies, we get a box???? I can't cuddle with a box, I can't kiss a box, I can't change a box's diaper. I can't be a mother to a box. I was supposed to be your momma and take care of you. But I can't now.
I know I shouldn't but part of me blames myself for you. Everyone has told me it's not my fault. It just happens. But I wonder if maybe I had been more aware of what was going on with me or spoken up when I saw my blood pressure going up. Then you'd still be safe growing inside of me. I think about still being pregnant with you. I think about the last nine months. I remember distinctly telling your daddy that you might be an only child. And I remember being terrified when they said I was going to have to have a c-section and really thinking that AGAIN. But then when I finally got to see you for the first time and they were taking you to the NICU I knew I could do it all over again, including the Pre-E. I'd do it all again just to have you.
I want so badly to have more children. We knew we wanted to be parents before we had you and while we were preparing for you. But we didn't realize how much we wanted you and other children until after you were here. It's scary being a parent though. We want to do it all again. But I'm afraid to think of what I'll be like once we have other children. Am I going to be that crazy momma who when their baby just looks at them funny they call the doctor? I know your daddy will be my voice of reason. But this entire thing has completely changed me and I havn't figure our quite yet if it's for the better or worse.
I can't wrap my mind around the fact that in the morning you were this perfectly healthy little boy and 8 hours later you were a very sick little boy who was already fighting for his life. I just don't understand it. I hate NEC. I do not understand why people are not doing more to understand it. If it's such a mystery than why aren't they doing more??? 10% of preemies will get NEC and 25% of those babies will fight and not survive. That's not fair Cooper. There shouldn't be any babies not surviving. They should all be surviving. Or at least you. I thought for sure that it was going to be in 10 or 20 years we'd look back and tell you how you scared the living daylights out of us and you'd just have a pretty cool scar to show. But that's not what happened. I also see what could have happened to you. I see the information about colostomy bags and short bowel syndrome. I can't imagine what kind of life you would have had. Would you have thought were were selfish beacuse we put you through all of that? We wouldn't have loved you any less. You wouldn't have looked perfect or had the perfect body that you were born with but at least you would have been alive baby! I would have done anything for you. Daddy and I talk a lot about how we would have traded places with you in an instant. We didn't want you to hurt. This was a big battle to fight and you wer just so small. But we knew you were a big fighter in a little body. Everyone called you a trooper. Baby you were a trooper. I think about everything that happened during your 9 days. I don't know if I would have been able to handle it all. You were so brave.
love you to the moon and back
momma
I woke up this morning with a feeling of excitment like I did when I was still pregnant with you. Like I had something to look forward to and I couldn't wait for it to happen. And then sweet boy, I realized again that you are gone. The feeling left me immediatly.
Last night was awful. I heard voices coming from outside and couldn't figure out what it was. I finally looked out the window to realize they were coming from our neighbors who are due today and our other neighbors who had their baby girl earlier this month. It's hard to be happy for people when a month ago we had you and were starting our family at last. We wanted you for so long and only got to spend time with you for 9 days. 9 days that were not nearly enough for me or your daddy. I know I should be happy for them and part of me is, honestly Cooper. I don't know where they've been. I don't know if they've lost any babies. But if they havn't why us and not them? Why did they get to bring home their babies? We got a box of your things. A freakin box. I treasure those things more than anything else in the world. But I don't get it. They get babies, we get a box???? I can't cuddle with a box, I can't kiss a box, I can't change a box's diaper. I can't be a mother to a box. I was supposed to be your momma and take care of you. But I can't now.
I know I shouldn't but part of me blames myself for you. Everyone has told me it's not my fault. It just happens. But I wonder if maybe I had been more aware of what was going on with me or spoken up when I saw my blood pressure going up. Then you'd still be safe growing inside of me. I think about still being pregnant with you. I think about the last nine months. I remember distinctly telling your daddy that you might be an only child. And I remember being terrified when they said I was going to have to have a c-section and really thinking that AGAIN. But then when I finally got to see you for the first time and they were taking you to the NICU I knew I could do it all over again, including the Pre-E. I'd do it all again just to have you.
I want so badly to have more children. We knew we wanted to be parents before we had you and while we were preparing for you. But we didn't realize how much we wanted you and other children until after you were here. It's scary being a parent though. We want to do it all again. But I'm afraid to think of what I'll be like once we have other children. Am I going to be that crazy momma who when their baby just looks at them funny they call the doctor? I know your daddy will be my voice of reason. But this entire thing has completely changed me and I havn't figure our quite yet if it's for the better or worse.
I can't wrap my mind around the fact that in the morning you were this perfectly healthy little boy and 8 hours later you were a very sick little boy who was already fighting for his life. I just don't understand it. I hate NEC. I do not understand why people are not doing more to understand it. If it's such a mystery than why aren't they doing more??? 10% of preemies will get NEC and 25% of those babies will fight and not survive. That's not fair Cooper. There shouldn't be any babies not surviving. They should all be surviving. Or at least you. I thought for sure that it was going to be in 10 or 20 years we'd look back and tell you how you scared the living daylights out of us and you'd just have a pretty cool scar to show. But that's not what happened. I also see what could have happened to you. I see the information about colostomy bags and short bowel syndrome. I can't imagine what kind of life you would have had. Would you have thought were were selfish beacuse we put you through all of that? We wouldn't have loved you any less. You wouldn't have looked perfect or had the perfect body that you were born with but at least you would have been alive baby! I would have done anything for you. Daddy and I talk a lot about how we would have traded places with you in an instant. We didn't want you to hurt. This was a big battle to fight and you wer just so small. But we knew you were a big fighter in a little body. Everyone called you a trooper. Baby you were a trooper. I think about everything that happened during your 9 days. I don't know if I would have been able to handle it all. You were so brave.
love you to the moon and back
momma
Thursday, September 22, 2011
am i forgeting?
Cooper,
I talked to your Nana and yesterday and I told her I thought I was forgeting you. I can't remember the way you looked or the way you felt in my arms. I can't remember it. It kills me to think I'm already forgetting you sweet boy. It hasn't been that long and yet I feel like it's been forever. Your due date is in 3 days. I just want to fly right through it and wake up on Monday.
I try to think about the things I do remember. Like kissing your head and your smell and how soft your skin was. I remember when they laid you on my chest and you had the hiccups and it looked like you were head banging. Daddy just thought it was the funniest thing. You always got the hiccups when it was time to feed. I remember during kangaroo care, we would both fall asleep together. You would move or stretch and make noise and it would wake me right up and we'd snuggle just a little bit closer. Cooper, those are times I treasure the most with you. Feeling you on my chest snuggled together skin-to-skin, just rocking in our corner of the TLC room. Or watching you and daddy rock together. I have that picture and will always treasure it.
I remember right after I had you and I hadn't had the chance to see you yet and I asked Daddy to make sure you were a boy. I wanted a girl so much. But now I can't imagine having a girl. I only want a boy. I want you to have a little brother. I want to tell him all about you and about the week when you changed our lives. And about the day you made us parents. Cooper you made us mommy and daddy and NO ONE will ever be able to take that special place from you. I'm not afraid anymore to think about people asking us how many children we have. I will proudly tell them about you Cooper. I will tell them EVERYTHING.
love you baby boy,
Momma
I talked to your Nana and yesterday and I told her I thought I was forgeting you. I can't remember the way you looked or the way you felt in my arms. I can't remember it. It kills me to think I'm already forgetting you sweet boy. It hasn't been that long and yet I feel like it's been forever. Your due date is in 3 days. I just want to fly right through it and wake up on Monday.
I try to think about the things I do remember. Like kissing your head and your smell and how soft your skin was. I remember when they laid you on my chest and you had the hiccups and it looked like you were head banging. Daddy just thought it was the funniest thing. You always got the hiccups when it was time to feed. I remember during kangaroo care, we would both fall asleep together. You would move or stretch and make noise and it would wake me right up and we'd snuggle just a little bit closer. Cooper, those are times I treasure the most with you. Feeling you on my chest snuggled together skin-to-skin, just rocking in our corner of the TLC room. Or watching you and daddy rock together. I have that picture and will always treasure it.
I remember right after I had you and I hadn't had the chance to see you yet and I asked Daddy to make sure you were a boy. I wanted a girl so much. But now I can't imagine having a girl. I only want a boy. I want you to have a little brother. I want to tell him all about you and about the week when you changed our lives. And about the day you made us parents. Cooper you made us mommy and daddy and NO ONE will ever be able to take that special place from you. I'm not afraid anymore to think about people asking us how many children we have. I will proudly tell them about you Cooper. I will tell them EVERYTHING.
love you baby boy,
Momma
Monday, September 19, 2011
things you'll never get to do...
Cooper,
So Daddy says you would have been 1 month old today. I can't believe it. He's already called me from work to see how I'm doing. He would have been the best daddy in the world to you. I can't even begin to tell you how much he loved you little boy. It drove him crazy that I called you brother and it was just you. He thought it was the greatest thing ever the day you pooped on him and not yourself. You were your father's son.
It rained this weekend baby boy. All I could think about during the thunder and lightning was that this would have kept you up and you'd be crying during all of it. But once you got old I know you would have appreciated a good rain storm like your dad. I hate tornadoes but your daddy loves them and would stand outside and watch them if he could. I know he would have taken you with him when you were older. Please watch over him.
I've been thinking a lot about the things you'll miss out on. Daddy says he tries to not think about them because it hurts him. But I do it anyways. I think daddy is going to miss taking you fishing and buying your first car the most. What will we do if you just have sisters? I think Daddy might have a problem with that. Please Daddy a boy one day Cooper. I know how much he wants one. I wish you could have seen his face the day we found out that you were going to be a boy. He told EVERYONE. He even called his office just to tell them he was going to have a SON. I don't think I've ever seen him happier. Please send a little brother for your daddy.
Momma loves you brave boy.
So Daddy says you would have been 1 month old today. I can't believe it. He's already called me from work to see how I'm doing. He would have been the best daddy in the world to you. I can't even begin to tell you how much he loved you little boy. It drove him crazy that I called you brother and it was just you. He thought it was the greatest thing ever the day you pooped on him and not yourself. You were your father's son.
It rained this weekend baby boy. All I could think about during the thunder and lightning was that this would have kept you up and you'd be crying during all of it. But once you got old I know you would have appreciated a good rain storm like your dad. I hate tornadoes but your daddy loves them and would stand outside and watch them if he could. I know he would have taken you with him when you were older. Please watch over him.
I've been thinking a lot about the things you'll miss out on. Daddy says he tries to not think about them because it hurts him. But I do it anyways. I think daddy is going to miss taking you fishing and buying your first car the most. What will we do if you just have sisters? I think Daddy might have a problem with that. Please Daddy a boy one day Cooper. I know how much he wants one. I wish you could have seen his face the day we found out that you were going to be a boy. He told EVERYONE. He even called his office just to tell them he was going to have a SON. I don't think I've ever seen him happier. Please send a little brother for your daddy.
Momma loves you brave boy.
Friday, September 16, 2011
1 month...
Cooper,
You would have been 1 month today. I can't believe how long it's been since we saw you last. Some days I feel like I'm already forgeting what you loooked like and then I'll look at your pictures and I'll your sweet face. Baby boy, I swear you looked exactly like me. But you made faces just like your daddy. You hated to have your clothes taken off and your diaper changed. I think you hated being cold. I hate being cold, I think you got that from me too. But you made these faces like you were going scream bloody murder and then you'd just fall back asleep. Sleep, you got the from the both of us. We LOVE to sleep in this family.
Cooper, I feel we were robbed of time with you. I think about about what kind of job you would have had or what you would have been like in high school. Or in LIFE in general. Daddy was supposed to have taken you fishing with Uncle Charlie and Papa Don. I was supposed to have taught you how to read. And then the 3 of us would have spent hours at the book store together. You and Norah would have been so close in age. You would have started kindergarten the same year. I think about family vacations and pictures and holidays you will never get to be a part of.
We're getting a new house baby. Please don't be mad at us. We can't stay here anymore. There's too many memories here for us. You spent your entire nine months here. This is a house we'll never get to take you home too. Did you know your Kimmy and Papa Don cleaned the entire house because you were born so early? Do you know how much they loved you? Did you know all 3 of grandma, bought you clothes the same weekened? I was terrified I wasn't going to have anything to bring you home in because you were so small. And Kristin washed everything for you. The week you were in the hospital and we were waiting to bring you home, I went through all of your clothes and tried to organize them. Your Daddy was so mad at me. He thought I should have been resting. But all I wanted to do was take care of you. I spent an entire afternoon sorting through and oraganizing your clothes. It's still the way I left. Smaller sizes hanging up ready for you to wear, while the bigger clothes are sitting in piles in your crib to be put away. I can't believe you'll never get to wear any of it.
Cooper, we miss you so much. We talk about you a lot. We love and are so proud to call you our son. I'm such a proud momma. I'll even tell perfect strangers about you. I will ALWAYS tell people about you. Baby, I can't wait until you are a big brother and we can tell you brothers or sisters all about you. Everyone loved you. Even your nurses. Did you know they cried with us? They didn't want to leave you either. Did you know that? They kept you with them until someone came for you. You were so special to everyone that met you.
Daddy and I will get better, I promise you. We learn smile and laugh again. Please baby, just give us some time. I promise, we'll learn to live again, sweet boy.
I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living my baby you'll be.
Love, Momma
You would have been 1 month today. I can't believe how long it's been since we saw you last. Some days I feel like I'm already forgeting what you loooked like and then I'll look at your pictures and I'll your sweet face. Baby boy, I swear you looked exactly like me. But you made faces just like your daddy. You hated to have your clothes taken off and your diaper changed. I think you hated being cold. I hate being cold, I think you got that from me too. But you made these faces like you were going scream bloody murder and then you'd just fall back asleep. Sleep, you got the from the both of us. We LOVE to sleep in this family.
Cooper, I feel we were robbed of time with you. I think about about what kind of job you would have had or what you would have been like in high school. Or in LIFE in general. Daddy was supposed to have taken you fishing with Uncle Charlie and Papa Don. I was supposed to have taught you how to read. And then the 3 of us would have spent hours at the book store together. You and Norah would have been so close in age. You would have started kindergarten the same year. I think about family vacations and pictures and holidays you will never get to be a part of.
We're getting a new house baby. Please don't be mad at us. We can't stay here anymore. There's too many memories here for us. You spent your entire nine months here. This is a house we'll never get to take you home too. Did you know your Kimmy and Papa Don cleaned the entire house because you were born so early? Do you know how much they loved you? Did you know all 3 of grandma, bought you clothes the same weekened? I was terrified I wasn't going to have anything to bring you home in because you were so small. And Kristin washed everything for you. The week you were in the hospital and we were waiting to bring you home, I went through all of your clothes and tried to organize them. Your Daddy was so mad at me. He thought I should have been resting. But all I wanted to do was take care of you. I spent an entire afternoon sorting through and oraganizing your clothes. It's still the way I left. Smaller sizes hanging up ready for you to wear, while the bigger clothes are sitting in piles in your crib to be put away. I can't believe you'll never get to wear any of it.
Cooper, we miss you so much. We talk about you a lot. We love and are so proud to call you our son. I'm such a proud momma. I'll even tell perfect strangers about you. I will ALWAYS tell people about you. Baby, I can't wait until you are a big brother and we can tell you brothers or sisters all about you. Everyone loved you. Even your nurses. Did you know they cried with us? They didn't want to leave you either. Did you know that? They kept you with them until someone came for you. You were so special to everyone that met you.
Daddy and I will get better, I promise you. We learn smile and laugh again. Please baby, just give us some time. I promise, we'll learn to live again, sweet boy.
I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living my baby you'll be.
Love, Momma
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