another day

Cooper,

I woke up this morning with a feeling of excitment like I did when I was still pregnant with you. Like I had something to look forward to and I couldn't wait for it to happen. And then sweet boy, I realized again that you are gone. The feeling left me immediatly.

Last night was awful. I heard voices coming from outside and couldn't figure out what it was. I finally looked out the window to realize they were coming from our neighbors who are due today and our other neighbors who had their baby girl earlier this month. It's hard to be happy for people when a month ago we had you and were starting our family at last. We wanted you for so long and only got to spend time with you for 9 days. 9 days that were not nearly enough for me or your daddy. I know I should be happy for them and part of me is, honestly Cooper. I don't know where they've been. I don't know if they've lost any babies. But if they havn't why us and not them? Why did they get to bring home their babies? We got a box of your things. A freakin box. I treasure those things more than anything else in the world. But I don't get it. They get babies, we get a box???? I can't cuddle with a box, I can't kiss a box, I can't change a box's diaper. I can't be a mother to a box. I was supposed to be your momma and take care of you. But I can't now.

I know I shouldn't but part of me blames myself for you. Everyone has told me it's not my fault. It just happens. But I wonder if maybe I had been more aware of what was going on with me or spoken up when I saw my blood pressure going up. Then you'd still be safe growing inside of me. I think about still being pregnant with you. I think about the last nine months. I remember distinctly telling your daddy that you might be an only child. And I remember being terrified when they said I was going to have to have a c-section and really thinking that AGAIN. But then when I finally got to see you for the first time and they were taking you to the NICU I knew I could do it all over again, including the Pre-E. I'd do it all again just to have you.

I want so badly to have more children. We knew we wanted to be parents before we had you and while we were preparing for you. But we didn't realize how much we wanted you and other children until after you were here. It's scary being a parent though. We want to do it all again. But I'm afraid to think of what I'll be like once we have other children. Am I going to be that crazy momma who when their baby just looks at them funny they call the doctor? I know your daddy will be my voice of reason. But this entire thing has completely changed me and I havn't figure our quite yet if it's for the better or worse.

I can't wrap my mind around the fact that in the morning you were this perfectly healthy little boy and 8 hours later you were a very sick little boy who was already fighting for his life. I just don't understand it. I hate NEC. I do not understand why people are not doing more to understand it. If it's such a mystery than why aren't they doing more??? 10% of preemies will get NEC and 25% of those babies will fight and not survive. That's not fair Cooper. There shouldn't be any babies not surviving. They should all be surviving. Or at least you. I thought for sure that it was going to be in 10 or 20 years we'd look back and tell you how you scared the living daylights out of us and you'd just have a pretty cool scar to show. But that's not what happened. I also see what could have happened to you. I see the information about colostomy bags and short bowel syndrome. I can't imagine what kind of life you would have had. Would you have thought were were selfish beacuse we put you through all of that? We wouldn't have loved you any less. You wouldn't have looked perfect or had the perfect body that you were born with but at least you would have been alive baby! I would have done anything for you. Daddy and I talk a lot about how we would have traded places with you in an instant. We didn't want you to hurt. This was a big battle to fight and you wer just so small. But we knew you were a big fighter in a little body. Everyone called you a trooper. Baby you were a trooper. I think about everything that happened during your 9 days. I don't know if I would have been able to handle it all. You were so brave.

love you to the moon and back
momma