Christmas Eve

Cooper,

I never thought we would ever get here.  This is the one day I've been dreading since you've been gone.  We've had to grieve about the loss of you and also the dreams we've had for you.  Not a day goes by that I don't think about something we should have been doing with you.  We SHOULD be at home in Oklahoma with family and friends.  We SHOULD have taken you to see your very first Christmas lights.  We SHOULD have taken you to see Santa with Norah.  We SHOULD have picked out your 1st Christmas ornament as a family.  We SHOULD have taken a picture of you and Binx by the tree. We SHOULD have gone Christmas shopping for you.  We SHOULD have picked out the sweetest Christmas pajamas for you.  We SHOULD be taking you to your Mimi's Christmas Eve party and everyone SHOULD be fighting to hold you.  We SHOULD be happy.  Instead, we avoid everyone and are still in Kansas, planning to leave as late as possible.  Instead, we won't go see Christmas lights this year.  Instead, I rushed past the long line of kids waiting to see Santa, hoping no one would see my tears.  Instead, I picked out a memory ornament for you.  Instead, it was just Binx by the tree.  Instead, we bought a Christmas Swag to lay on your grave.  Instead, I picked out pajamas for Norah with monkeys from you.  Instead, I'm plotting on how I can get through that party with a little help from my good friend wine.  Instead, I'm trying to hide the tears and appear to be strong.
At Thanksgiving, when we went home, it was like you have never happened.  No one asked how we were doing except for family.  I want so badly for them to ask how we are doing.  I want them to know that almost 4 months later we are still devastated by the loss of you, our sweet boy. 

I do not know what I'm supposed to do. I'm happy you don't hurt any more and that you won't ever have to hurt.  But I don't know how to make this better for me or your daddy.  I'm sobbing so hard right now, I don't think I've cried this hard in a long time.  My chest hurts so much.  My heart is breaking...

love you to the moon and back,
Cooper