1 month angelverisary

Cooper,

It's your 1 month angelverisary. I hope they are throwing you a party in heaven. Nana told me that Ma is rocking you and telling you all about me. I hope your Aunt Janet is giving you some art lessons because I love crafts. Please visit Daddy's family and learn all about him. He's pretty special. Because Daddy and I can't seem to do that for you today. Daddy stayed home from work again. I'm not sure what we will do today. But probably not a whole lot. If we were home I'm sure we'd go and visit you baby. I really hope someone visits you today. I can't believe it's only been 1 month it seems so much longer than. And I think back to to how long it feels since the 19th. That seems long too. But the 9 days you spent here with us just seem so short. Your Papa Don called me on Monday asking if was alright if they had a picture made of you to put up in their house. Of course I said yes. I think I'd be more hurt if it was just pictures of Norah. I was looking forward to having your pictures taken at all of those important milestones and then being able to send them to everyone and tell them how proud of you I was and how cute you were. Baby, I was so proud of you and you were the most perfect looking baby I'd ever seen before. I think even your nurses were in love with you. I made KP promise to tell me if I had an ugly baby because since they always looks ugly or funny once they are born but she said you were the prettiest baby she'd seen and she's got 2 boys of her own. And those 2 boys were so excited to meet you and play with you when you got home. Westin even picked out a special blankie like his for just for you. It's the prettiest blue and gray with a monkey on top. Cooper that will always be your blankie. We promise not to let little brother or sisters to play with it. It's Cooper blankie.

I've been having trouble lately with being happy for friends who are experiencing pregnancies. I get upset with them because they seem to be so naive about it all. I will never be naive about a pregnancy again. I'm sure I'll have days where I'll feel happy about it but I'm worried that I will have many more where I'll be anxious about it. The only friends that I feel like I can truly be happy for are the ones that have experience a loss. I cry for them out of pure happiness because I know how much they hurt at one point. They get a chance at having their rainbow baby and I hope that the pregnancy will lead to their rainbow baby! I only hope that one day I can truly be happy for 's pregnancy. Because when we have our rainbow baby I want them to be cheering us on. I know sweet boy that you will.

I worry that people will forget about us in the months to come. That they think we're fine. And the phone calls and cards will all stop. I'm worried about Christmas at your Mimi's. She always throws a huge party on Christmas Eve. I know you would have been the center of attention with Norah. Everyone would want to hold you and love on you. But know we won't have you to wake up on Christmas and spoil you. It'll just be Daddy and me. I like to think we'll be okay but I don't know that for sure. I'm sure there will be tears, that I know for sure. But past that I don't know what else. Daddy and I were looking forward to starting some traditions. But I don't know if I want to do that without you. We plan on buying you, your own special ornament. But I don't know what else to do for you. I was thinking about getting an angel of the angel tree in your honor. Spending the money we would have spent on you on another little boy. Maybe this is something Daddy and I can do every year. I worry about when Mother's and Father's Day roll around next year. Will people forget about us then, too? Just because you aren't here? We were your mother and father for 9 days. Just because you aren't here doesn't mean we aren't mommy or daddy any more. I want to plan something really nice for your Daddy that day. I hope you'll come and visit us those days. I know you're really never far away because we carry you in our hearts now. But we miss you so much baby boy. Words can't even descrive how much we loved you. Someone told me the other day how much more God loves you than Daddy or I ever will. I just can't wrap my head around that idea because of how much we loved you. Daddy and I wanted to fight for you so much. We would have given you anything to make you live and be able to be with us today.

There's a name for someone who loses their spouse, a widow.
There's a name for a child who loses their parents, an orphan.
But there is no name for someone who loses a child.

We love you sweet boy,
Momma