Another Post About Molly Bears

Cooper,

About a month after you passed away I stumbled upon a wonderful non-profit organization that helps BLM. Molly Bears make weighted teddy bears so mommas can feel like they are holding their babies again.  The wait list is only open on the 30th of each month.  It can take a year or longer to get your bear made. We were blessed because Aunt Amber donated to their organization.  Our Cooper Bear was made along with 2 other bears.  Cooper Bear showed up the day before your 6th month angelversary. Perfect timing.  Daddy and I didn't put it down for days.

Daddy and I have been wracking our brains trying to find a perfect way to remember you on your birthday.  Molly Bears donations have been drying up.  They've said that for the month of August they would only had enough to make 96 more bears.  They usually make 150+ bears each month.  This broke my heart.  A good friend of mine, I'm sure you've meet her sweet little daughter E. by now, is still waiting on her bear. They are working on bears in the 3000's and she is somewhere in the 5000's.  She's been missing her E. a lot longer than we've been missing you.  She needs to hold E. again and I hope it's really soon!  A few days ago they said that if a person donates 10 brand new bears in the month of August then they would make your bear or you could pick to have someone else's bear made.  It clicked pretty quickly with us that is something we wanted to do for your birthday.  We want to try and gather as many bears as we can so more mommas and daddies can hold their babies again.

So we're asking our friends and family (or anyone else that might be reading this) for help with this. If you'd like to donate a bear in memory Cooper, please leave a comment or find me on FB.  They could also using ribbons and buttons to use in decorating the bears as well.  Cooper Bear came decked out in green and monkey buttons AND a sweet little monkey cape!  Or if you feel in your heart that you'd like to give them a gift of money to help the organization, that'd be great as well!
If you have any questions about Molly Bears, just click the purple link above!

love you to the moon and back,
Momma

A Season of Change

Cooper,

I miss you so much.  I know Daddy does as well.  We've had lots of changes over the past the month.  Daddy is officially getting out of the Air Force.  My heart hurts for him but we are so relieved to be getting out.  Daddy loves his job but after he got hurt almost 4 years ago, he really couldn't everything he was supposed to be able to do.  He's always said he joined to see the world, but then he got stationed 130 miles from home.  He has been able to a few pretty cool places but he's never been able to deploy as much as that idea scares Momma, I know how much he wanted to be able to do that.  Daddy really wanted to stay in and make this his career but he can't.  Even after he got hurt, we tried everything to fix his knee so he could.  But after we lost you, we sort of just gave up and didn't really care.  He just did what needed to be done.  We're going to Texas next month to sort out some of the problems with his knee.  And sometime after that, they should give us an exact date for Daddy's last day as an airman.  We should be here for a few months after that.

Daddy has already started to look for a new job.  I can tell he's excited about starting something new.  He'll still get to do what he's doing know, but just as a civilian.  And there will still be that opportunity for him to travel and see those cool places he's always wanted to see.  And there won't be anyone to tell him no because of his knee.  He's been looking at jobs in Florida.  We've never lived that far from home before.  It's exciting and scary all at the same time.  I'm looking forward to this new adventure with him.  But sad because we won't be close to Nana and Papa and everyone else.  And especially that I won't be able to go and visit you at your special place.  Nana has already promised she'd take good care of it for me.  I'm hoping once we get to Florida, I'll be in a school district or a private school again.  Daddy and I have also been thinking about the idea of me going back to school full time to get my Masters in Reading.  I'm honestly not sure whether or not I really want it anymore.  Everything has changed so much.

I have to go back to work tomorrow.  I'm dreading it.  This time last year, I was excited about it.  I knew I'd be back for about 6 weeks and then be off for a few months because you would finally be here.  I was only back at work for about 2 weeks before I got sick and you came early.  This year I don't know how to feel about it. Ms. Suzy isn't coming back because her husband got a job in Nebraska.  I am so excited for Ms. Suzy and Mr. Marcus, they have some fun exciting new changes in their life as well! And Ms. Janice is finally retiring so she can spend more time with her son and her grandbabies in Texas.  I also found out a bit of information about someone else at work.  I know they've been working towards something at work and it finally happened for them.  I knew it was coming but just not this quickly.  I feel very numb.  Ms. Shirley will still be there and I'm happy about that.  I just hope we are finally together if even for only a few months, she is wonderful and I believe she could handle the room by herself until they could find a replacement for me.  I started working on a few ideas for things I'd really like to change.  I've been looking for some art monthly art projects.  It made me sad to think about because I'll never get a art project from you.  I love art projects.  I'm sure our refrigerator would have been covered in your masterpieces.  I don't think I could have thrown any of them away and I would have had a big box of all of them.

love you to the moon and back, 
Momma

Day 4 ~ A picture of your favorite night.

Cooper,

Weeknds just get the best of me sometimes.  I looked up and yesterday was Sunday and I realized I had posted since Thursday and the 'theory' of this challenge is to post every day for 30 days.  So I just don't think weekends are going to happen, bear with me. If I skip the weekends or a day, I'll just pick up where I left off at, no skipping!

I actually don't have a picture from my favorite night....we thought about it later and we should have had a camera up at the hospital the night you were born.  Biggest regret #1...but I can guarentee that we will have one from now. A  friend brought her camera so we have some before you were born.  And then Daddy has a bunch from after you were born and in the NICU.

Here's Momma and Daddy before you were born.  They came in at about 8:00 and said you were coming!  And there's that fancy IV, I was hooked up to for 24 hours!  Super fun! I had Magnesuim Sulfate which was AWESOME (said no one ever)!  I hated getting those.  I was trying really hard not to freak out.  My biggest fear during pregnancy was having to have a c-section. You still hadn't flipped and had you head up in my ribs. In the end, I didn't care I just wanted you there safe and sound.

Daddy dressed up just for you!  The drugs that they had me hooked up to made me very loopy and I kept telling Daddy that he looked like a smurf.  And if you look at the clock behind him, it says 8:34...you were born less than an hour later!  That hour and half felt so looooong.  But once they said 'cut' you were out in about a minute and half!  We were so very ready to finally met you!

This is my FAVORITE FAVORITE FAVORITE picture of you.  Daddy said he held out finger and you opened your just wide enough to see it, grabbed it and closed them again.  It makes you look much smaller than your 4 lbs. 14 oz.  And it looks like you even have a bit of tan...better than Dad's will ever be!  And you clearly have my nose!  That was the first thing I really remember, the doctor held you over the curtain for me to see and I noticed it right away.  Dad said I sort of grunted 'nose' and he didn't really understand what I was saying.  But I finally made out that you had my nose.  I was pretty happy that you got the feature.  You definately started to look more like Daddy but you had my nose. And my feet, I'm so sorry you had my feet, small and fat. 

Here are some of my happenings from that night:

 Kristin was the first one to arrive that night...she took all of the before pictures.  She has two boys and her oldest was also born at 34 weeks and 5 days.  About a month before I had you, she made the comment about having Westin at 34 weeks and 5 days.  And she said it could be less than a month until you arrived and were we ready?  I told her we were NOT ready and you were NOT going to come that early.  The first thing she said when she walked in was "You realize you're 34 weeks and 5 days, right?"  I was eating my words and NOT happy about it.

Later, after they had me prepped and ready to go, they brought dad.  He walked in and just stopped and stared.  By that time, the spinal was starting to work and I couldn't feel anything.  I knew I was erm...naked.  Daddy sat down and I said "Modesty has gone out the window!"  I am an extremely modest person.  Daddy just sort of laughed and said yeah.

After you were born,  I was very adament that he check to make sure you had boy parts and not girl parts.  I think I asked the doctor and all the nurses to please verify that you were a boy and not a girl.  I was still holding out that you were really a she.  I love my boy <3

Much, much, much earlier in my pregnancy, I had also mentioned to Kristin that I was terrified that you were going to be an 'ugly' baby and that no one would tell me the truth.  I made her promise me that she would.  After she finally met, she said that not only were you not an 'ugly' baby but that you were a very cute baby. And she wasn't making it up.  I think it also helped that you didn't have a cone head. A lot of the nurses recognized that fact as well.  But then I'm Momma so of course I'm going to be bias about my own child.

love you to the moon and back,

Momma

Day 3 ~ A picture of the cast from your favorite show

Cooper,

After you died, I didn't do anything for weeks.  And then I needed to take my mind of of everything.  I started recording everything and would spend my days watching the shows I had recorded.  It became like an escape, I didn't have to think for a while.

I've watched Glee from the beginning and it's always been my guilty pleasure.  I love this show.  I'm not sure why I have a fasincation with this show.  I hated high school because I didn't fit in anywhere.  And I can't sing to save my life.  Daddy says I sign loud and off key.  But he's not much of a singer either so he can't be one to talk.  The only time I've really sung was to you in the NICU.  I'd think you liked it because I always sang to you after you were finished eating.  You'd fall asleep quickly.  But then you had a clean diaper, a fully belly, and were snuggled all warm on my chest, I'm prety sure I'd fall asleep pretty quickly too.  Your favorit songs were "You Are My Sunshine" and a little song that Nana used to sing to me when I was a little girl.  When I'm sad, I find myself sing those songs.  And when we come to visit I sing them to you before we leave.

I've loved this show for a long a time as well.  Daddy not so much.  He doesn't like the dry humor.  I hated this show at the beginning of this season because there were 2 new babies born on the show.  I hated seeing pregnant women and new babies.  I remember fast forwarding through those scenes.  And still even now, there are sometimes I still get a little pain in my heart.  I know everytime I see those episodes I will always think back to you.  Watching the show, was one of the first times I think I actually laughed.  And I kept laughing.  Laughing started to feel good and became a normal part of life againe.  And after a while, I didn't feel guilty when I laughed.

This is another show that I've watched from the beginning.  Papa works in the medical field at a big cancer hosputal in Tulsa.  I've always thought that if I wasn't a teacher I would be doing something in the medical field.  This season one of the doctor's decided he want to be a NICU doctor, it wasn't long after you and I could only imagine the plots that would come.  And then Janurary came.  There was anothre doctor on the show and had to have her son early, way earlier than you came. The baby survived the first night and then the first week and I thought that was going to be the end of the plot.  But then a few weeks later, the baby re-entered the show again.  The baby was getting sick very suddenly and was finally diagnosed with NEC. It was kick to my gut.  I became way to emtionally involved with the characters in the plot.  I identified with them way too much.  The plot unfolded for the next three weeks but in the end, the baby didn't make it.  By far the hardest episode I've ever watched.  They have killed off cast members, had bomb scares, and crazed gunmen enter the hospital.  Every unimaginable scenero has most likely been on the show.  But the one plausible episode was the one that brought the tears.


love you to the moon and back,
Momma

Day 2~ A picture of you and the person you have been close with for the longest

Cooper,

Oh goodness, this is your Godmomma and my best friend Kristen.  She was so excited for you! She couldn't wait to meet you.  I know she would have spoiled you rotten.  She is a wonderful teacher and she will make an even better mother one day.  Kristen was one of the first people I told about you.  I can remember the exact place I was standing when I told her.  I had gone to Wal-Mart to print off pictures for my class.  The machine had broken down and I was waiting for them to fix it.  I'm pretty sure we squealled together for a good 5 minutes and people stared as they walked by me.  She also was planning a baby shower for me.  She was wonderful about it. It had to be postpoined several times.  Daddy and I had been down for a wedding the weekend before you were born and we stayed with her.  She was planning the shower for the following weekend on August 20th but it never happened. You came on the 19th instead.  I called her as soon as I knew you were coming.  She started packing while I was still on the phone with her and she arrived shortly after they had moved me in to recovery.  Then, when we found out you were sick, I called her again and she prayed for you like you were her own child.  When we had to bury you, she read a beautiful poem at the service.  And when I decided to participate in March of Dimes two months later, she was the first one to volunteer to walk with me.

Kristen and I met in the fall of 2004 during Rush.  She was starting her sophomore year and I was starting my freshman year.  I was just in awe of how friendly she was with everyone.  I don't think I spoke a single word to her either during that week.  I remember at some point Kathy said that the girls that were sitting around me were going to be the bridesmaids in my wedding.  I thought for sure she was insane but she was right.  Three of my bridesmaids were sitting in that room.  Who would have thought?  Kristen and I became close our second semster of Zeta when she moved into the dorms.  We happened to have the same major as well.  We did EVERYTHING together. We even had the same after school job at Hayes.  She ended up leaving ZTA after a year but she supported my decision to stay in.  She graduated a semster before I did, got married, moved across the country, got her first adult job, all before I finished school. Then I got married Daddy and we moved to Kansas just as she was moving back home to Oklahoma.  We've managed to stay best friends through it all.  We might not get to talk that often or only see each other a few times a year but we pick up exactly where we left off at before.

I don't think I could have ever asked for a better best friend than Kristen.  She has stuck with me through thick and thin.  Before I was created God knew everything that would happen to me in my life.  He knew that I would need a friend like Kristen and I thank Him that he brought such a wonderful person into my life.  I feel so blessed to have her as my best friend.  I looked forward to seeing what God has in store for the both of us in life.



love you to the moon and back,
Momma

Day 1~ A picture of yourself with fifteen facts

Cooper,

I tend to HATE pictures of myself.  I actually really, really like this picture of myself, even if it was taken 4 years ago.  This picture was taken the day I graduated from college...way back in 2008.  I can't believe it's been that long.  4 years, it might not seem like a long time to some people but now sometimes even a day or week can seem extremely long to me.  Sometimes I wish time would hurry up so I can hold you in my arms again.  But there are times where I wish time would slow down more.  Daddy and I still have a lot more living to do before we see you again.

15 Things About Me

1. I'm a wife and a daughter.

2.  I'm an angel momma.  I've got two precious boys.  There's you, Cooper, and your older brother, Colby.

3. I'm also a teacher. One day I'd like to be a reading specialist

4. I like to think I'm crafty sometimes.

5. I like the summertime the BEST. Not a big fan of the cold.

6. Christmas is my favorite holiday, next to July 4th.

7. I love to read.  We have Rubbermaids filled with books, Daddy finally broke down and bought me a Kindle Fire. I love it.

8. I've been to Spain and France.  I wish we could have taken you with us.

9. Daddy and I never got a honeymoon.  We moved to Kansas instead.

10. I worked for Quik Trip for almost 6 years.  That's how Daddy and I met.

11. Daddy and I got married twice. Once in June and again in August.

12.  Daddy and I would really like to move to Florida one day.  SOON, I hope.

13.  Binx is my big furchild.  I take him places with me when I can.

14. I'm extremely shy.  It takes me a while to make new friends.

15.  I miss you every minute of every day.

love you to the moon and back,

Momma

30 Day Challenege

Cooper,

              I really havn't felt so much like writing lately.  But it's always better for me when I can get things out.  I've had some really good days lately, lots in fact.  But the closer we get to August, the more I can feel myself spiraling out of control.  I hate it.  There is so much going on right now and to be quite honest it makes my head spin.  Daddy and I have been doing lots of 'fun' things to take our minds off but they only work for so long before we have to come back to reality.  We aren't nervous about some of these big changes.  We've already been through a lot in our marriage and know that anything someone throws at us, we can and will make it through.  Daddy tends to take it day by day and I on the other hand want to see the entire picture all at once.  I want to know how this is all going to play out for us.  I've got to take a step back and take it day by day again.  In the end, we'll make it where we are going and we'll be okay.  Daddy tells me everyday it's about the journey.  He's one smart daddy!

           Anyways, I havn't felt much like writing but I have been taking lots of pictures.  So I figure why not instead of writing, post my pictures?  Then, a good friend of mine, I believe you have met her sweet littl girl Olivia already, directed to me to monthly photo challenges.  I searched a bit for and found a 30 day photo challenge.  I'm hoping that through it, you might learn just a little bit more about your momma.  There were so many things we wanted to show, teach and let you experience.  I'm hoping that you look down on us and get to experience life just a little bit everyday. 

love you to the moon and back
Momma

What Not to Say

This is a link I found on Faces of Loss pretty soon after Cooper passed away.  After he died, I spent hours and hours trying to find a story like ours.  FOL of has hundreds of stories from mom's who had experienced losing a child.  I spent hours and hours reading their stories.  I hated that we all had the same thing in common but at the same time, it was helpful to know that I wasn't the only one who working through everything.  I posted Cooper's story on their not long after he passed away and you can read it here.   It was all started by a mom who lost her daughter at 27 weeks and has since had her Rainbow.  I found her blog and have followed it since.  I love that she made what is the worst thing a parent will ever have to go through into something that will help other moms.  This is one of my favorite posts that she's made.  I can't tell you the number of things people have that have just been stupid or hurtful.  Most of the time I know they aren't trying to be helpful or insensitive but I wish that they thought more about what they were saying.  My thoughts are italicized again.

"She's in a better place now." Excuse me, but I think she would have had a pretty great life here with me and her Dad. Yeah, she'll never experience sadness or pain, but she'll also never get to experience the wonderful things in life like running through the sprinkler, licking chocolate chip cookie dough off the beater, or going on bike rides with her Dad. And that makes me really, really sad.

Riiight.  Yes, I believe and it's comforting to know Cooper is with God. He'll never get picked on, he'll never feel pain or hurt,  but I'd really rather have him here with me.  I am constantly thinking about things he will never get to do or experience.  Michael and I just got back from San Antonio.  While we were there we went to Sea World.  In the middle of the show with Shamu I started crying.  I am sure people were staring at this crazy lady with tears streaming down her face.  I mean really, who cries at a time like that?  But all I could think about was Cooper would never get to see this.  I'd never get to see his face pressed up against the glass looking at everything, he'd never turn around and give Michael and I a huge smile.  That's seriously what I was thinking about Cooper will never get to see Shamu.

"I know exactly how you feel..." Unless you've lost a baby then no, you don't. And that's okay. Anyone who's experienced a loss of any kind can definitely relate, but no two situations, no two losses are exactly the same.

Don't say it, 'cause you don't and I hope you won't. And even if you have, Cooper wasn't yours. He was MINE. You don't know what it's like to have lost Cooper Michael.

"I don't think I would have the strength to go on if I lost my baby." Yes, you would. Because you have to; there's no other choice. Again, this is probably my crazy over-sensitive side taking over, but this almost insinuates I must not love my baby as much or be as sad as I should be because you would be sadder and more distraught if it happened to you.

I had no choice, there wasn't another option to consider.  There wasn't an option to dig another hole and jump in, Michael wouldn't let me and I wouldn't let him.  So we had to pick ourselves up and start living even if we really didn't want right then.  We're still living and breathing almost 10 months later and we're starting to find reasons again why life is good.

"Everything happens for a reason." I'm sorry, right now I just don't think I'll ever look back and say I'm glad Stevie died. Ever.

I am waiting for the day someone says this to me, try me and see what happens.  I am waiting for the day to ask God "Why Cooper?"  You can bet I'm going to line jump and ask Him that.

"It was probably for the best, she might have had something wrong with her." First of all, she actually didn't have anything "wrong" with her. She was perfect. But if she did have medical issues or disabilities, we would have loved her just the same. I would prefer to have my baby alive and in my arms either way.

We know that if Cooper has survived he would have most definitely had quite a few medical issues as a result of having NEC.  They very well could have followed him for the rest of his life.  But we would have loved him and we would have done anything needed to take care of him.  Michael already had thoughts of re-enlisting in the Air Force to provide for him and to make sure he was going to be taken care of.  Michael was going to put on hold his what he wanted to ensure Cooper was taken care of.

"At least you're still so young..." Yeah because since I'm only 24 (almost 25!) I'm less sad about my daughter dying? I just don't even understand this one.

And that means??? Oh, right, just because I'm young means I can still have kids.  Because that still doesn't make a difference, Cooper's not coming back just because I'm 'young'.  And I bet if you talk to any bereaved parent they will tell you that it has aged them tremendously.  We both feel much older than what or birth certificate says that we are.

"You'll have other kids." Hopefully this is true, but right now I don't just want a kid, I want my kid. The one that I loved and wanted and died. Even when we have other children someday, they will never be Stevie. I will always miss my firstborn.

Yes, hopefully we will but that doesn't change anything.  I loved Cooper. I wanted Cooper.  No child can feel that whole in my heart.

"You're lucky you now have an angel watching over you." Lucky? Seriously? I'm actually feeling like the most unlucky person in the world right now. I don't want an angel, I want my baby. If I'm so lucky, are you hoping your baby turns into an "angel" too? I didn't think so.

Really? Let's see how you would feel if our roles were reversed?  Would you really feel lucky then?  I think I was doing just fine without having an angel.

"God has so much to teach you through this experience." Not saying I'm perfect in any way, or that I don't have things to learn, but I can think of plenty of people who could stand to learn a few things in life that get to keep their babies...I would have much preferred to learn my life lessons in a way that didn't involve my child dying.

Yes there are things I can learn from this but I would have rather not learned those lessons.  And if there were lessons to have learned, weren't there some ways I could have learned them without using Cooper? 

My mother always said that if you can't say something nice, then don't say anything at all.  I think this still applies. We don't need some perfect piece of advice, just be there for us, give us a hug or even a simple "I'm sorry" is wonderful to hear.  And above all, please please please don't say nothing. Just think before you speak.

Support Guide

It's been a while since I have posted.  School let out a few weeks ago and I've spent the last two weeks cleaning and packing my room.  I had to clear out my room because we aren't sure if we will still be living here in KS by then.  Today was my last day of work for a while.  I had planned on spending it with Cooper's adopted aunties doing nothing but that all changed when Michael had to have a last minute medical procedure done because of his knee, it was the second one in the last week.  We've got our *fingerscrossed* that this one will last longer than 5 days because we are leaving on Tuesday afternoon to drive to Texas for his brother's graduation from BMT.  I'm really hoping that find something that help control the pain because 1) I hate seeing Michael hurt like that 2) I hate making almost weekly trips to various doctor's and physical therapy appointments and 3) I just don't think I'm going to be able to drive 10+ hours to Texas on my own.

I've been EXTREMELY frustrated with some of my friends. Friends who are not a part of the BLM community.  I am so glad that they were there for Michael and I and I wouldn't trade them for the world.  But sometimes I just wish they would get it a little bit more.  I found this floating out there in the internet, read it and wished I had found it months ago.  The bold is what someone else wrote, the italicized are my thoughts. 


For those of you who have lost a loved one, especially a child, you will relate to the following list of 10 things to guide your friends through the tough times. Please share this information with others so they will know not only how to act... but most important, too act! Don’t avoid us!
By Virginia Simpson

1. I am not strong. I'm just numb. When you tell me I'm strong, I feel you don't see me.
 Yeah this, doesn't make me feel any better.  Watching Cooper get sick and fight for his life and then die, doesn't make me strong.  Burying my 9 day old son does not make me strong.  None of this makes me strong. I have to do this. I didn't ask for this, I don't want to do this.  I didn't get a choice in this.

2. I will not recover. This is not a cold or the flu. I'm not sick. I'm grieving and that's different. I will not always be grieving as intensely, but I will never forget my loved one. Rather than recover, I want to incorporate his life and love into the rest of my life. That person is a part of me and always will be, and sometimes I remember him with joy and other times with tears. Both are ok.
I think this is the hardest for people to understand.  We won't get over it.  We won't accept it.  But one day we will reconcile what happened.  In 10 years we will still feel the same as we did the day you left us almost 9 months ago.  We will still feel this strongly the day we die.  This is hard for me to wrap my mind around.  The pain is the same today as it was yesterday and it will be the same tomorrow as well.

3. I don't have to accept the death. Yes, I have to understand that it has happened and it is real, but there are just some things in life that are not acceptable.
This is also hard  I know I havn't accepted what happened.  But I do know and understand that you are gone and we won't ever have you in this life again.  Yes, we will hopefully have other children but not Cooper.   Losing him is not acceptable to me or my husband. 

4. Please don't avoid me. You can't catch my grief. My world is painful, and when you are too afraid to call me or visit or say anything, you isolate me at a time when I most need to be care about. If you don't know what to say, just come over, give me a hug or touch my arms, and gently say, "I'm sorry." You can even say, "I just don't know what to say, but I care, and want you to know that."
I actually had people avoid me at work and this hurt.  A coworker appeared to see me coming down the hall and she panicked and turned the corner.  We have since 'made up'.  She has a way of making me laugh when I need it.  And I appreciate her for that.  Also, please don't feel like you have to give us some amazing piece of wisdom that will give us peace or make us feel better.  Because that will only happen with time.  Don't feel like you have to say anything but if you would like to say something 'I'm sorry' is always a good start.  AND under no circumstance is it okay for you to say that you understand  or can relate unless you have lost a child.  We didn't lose a beloved pet, a grandparent or an uncle or aunt.  We lost our 9 day old son.  And even if you did lose a child you can relate but you might not understand.  I do not understand how Michael feels but I can relate to him better than anyone else because Cooper was our son.  I do not understand what it's like to lose a child to a birth defect, SIDS or an accident but I can relate.  I can relate when a parent loses their child to an illness and even more so to those that have been touched by NEC but I don't know what they feel like because it's still different.  I make every effort when talking to those parents to tell them I can relate to some of the things they are feeling but I still don't completely understand what they are feeling.

5. Please don't call to complain about your husband, your wife, or your children. Right now, I'd be delighted to have my loved one here, no matter what they were doing.
Just don't.  I don't even think I need to explain this one.  Don't complain to me about about sleepless nights or being spit up on.  I would love to be sleep deprived right now.  Don't complain to me about your pregnancy symptoms.  I would love to be having my rainbow. Just don't do it. 

6. Please don’t say, “Call me if you need anything.” I’ll never call you because I have no idea what I need. Trying to figure out what you could do for me takes more energy than I have. So, in advance, let me give you some ideas: a. Bring food b. Offer to take my children to a movie or game so I have some moments to myself c. Send me a card on special holidays, birthdays (mine, his or hers), or the anniversary of his death and make sure you mention his or her name. You can’t make me cry. The tears are here and I will love you for giving me the opportunity to shed them because someone cared enough about me to reach out on this difficult day. d. Ask me more than once to join you at the movies or lunch. I may say “no” at first or even for a while, but please don’t give up on me because somewhere down the line, I may be ready, and if you’ve given up then I really will be alone.
And don't stop after just one time.  The first time leaving the house after Cooper's funeral was miserable.  And then it got to the point where we didn't want to be in our own house.  We would wake up in the morning and leave for hours at a time.  We once went to the theaters and saw 4 different movies in one day.  It took about 6-7 months for me to want to leave the house without Michael or some other family member.  And if Michael didn't go with me I would call or text him a lot, just to check in with him. I hated to be away from him for long periods of time.  He went back to work before I did and I hated to be myself. I didn't really want to do 'normal' things with my friends for a very long time..  Please, please, please keep asking us or whoever it might be to do things.  Or send a card in the mail.  I loved and still love when people remember Cooper's special dates.  Just knowing someone was thinking of us and took a little bit of their time to say that was wonderful. 

7. Try to understand that this is like I’m in a foreign country where I don’t speak the language and have no map to tell me what to do. Even if there were a map, I’m not sure I could understand what it was saying. I’m lost and in a fog. I’m confused.
There is no guide for this.  Every grieving parent handles it differently, even Michael and I.  What works for him might not work for me and vice versa.  And what works for me one day, might not work for me the next day either.  The first few months I felt like I was watching everyone go by on a conveyor belt and continuing living their lives.  I felt like screaming at them to stop and wait for me.  And then one day I stepped out just a little bit to 'test' out life again.  Some days I rode on the conveyor belt all day long and somedays I needed to get off.  In the first few months we needed to take it day by day or even minute by minute.  And even though 9 months later, we have made a lot of progress with our healing we are in no way better.  For all we know tomorrow could be much worse.  Please be gentle with us.

8. When you tell me what I should be doing, then I feel even more lost and alone. I feel bad enough that my loved one is dead, so please don’t make it worse by telling me I’m not doing this right.
Just DON'T DO THIS!!!  I don't tell other BLM what to do.  I don't tell them that something they are doing in their grief process is wrong.  The entire idea of putting your child in the ground is wrong.  Nothing about this is right.  So don't tell us that we are doing something wrong.

9. Please don’t tell me that I can have other children or need to start dating again. I’m not ready. And maybe I don’t want to. And besides, what makes you think people are replaceable? They aren’t. Whoever comes after will always be someone different.
Don't do this either.  And don't think just because a person might try again so soon after losing their child means that they are trying to replace them either.  We won't ever get to have our Cooper again in this life.  We have a Cooper shaped hole in our hearts and no child will ever be able to fill it nor do we want another child to fill that place in our hearts.   Also under no circumstances is it ever okay to ask us when we are going to try again.

10. I don’t even understand what you mean when you say, “You’ve got to get on with your life.” My life is going on, but it may not look the way you think it should. This will take time and I never will be my old self again. So please just love me as I am today, and know, that with your love and support, the joy will slowly return to my life. But I will never forget – and there will always be times that I cry...
Michael and I won't ever be the same Kendra and Michael we were before Cooper.  Don't expect that from us in the future. We are getting better every day, we have our ups and we have our downs.  We are essentially learning to walk again.  Please be patient.

End of the School Year

Cooper,

I've been thinking a lot lately about what life was a year ago.  A year ago, I was scrambling to try to finish all of my home visits before I went on a training.  I remember hauling myself in and out of my car, really not that big yet but it was starting to get hot.  I had a new assistant teacher as well.  I was also trying to get lesson plans laid out for her while I was in Kansas City with Dad.  Dad and I ended up really enjoying ourselves while we were there. I look back and I'm so glad that we had that time together, all 3 of us.  We spent a lot of time talking about how we couldn't wait until you were finally here and we would bring you back with us.  Kansas City isn't that far from us and there were still lots of things we could do with you with us.  Dad said he didn't want to be that set of parents who didn't go out and do anything just because they had a kid.  Ohhh, he said that then and I *hope* he'll say it again, but I really wouldn't mind if we were that couple who doesn't do anything except stay at home with their baby.

Last year, I couldn't wait for school to be over and finally be on summer break.  I know once summer was over and we were back at school that I'd probably only be there for about 4-6 weeks before I left for maternity leave before you came.  I think I was back at work for maybe two and a half weeks before my body betrayed me.   The end of the school year meant I was just getting closer to finally meeting you!

I spent most of the summer doing things I thought I wasn't going to be able to do, sleep, read, and craft.  Binx and I took walks in the morning and late in the evenings when it was cool.  I cooked from scratch most nights and even baked a little bit. I was starting to get bigger each day and sleep was definitely getting harder.  I spent some of the days making sure our registries were perfect for the upcoming baby showers.  There were days when Dad left for work in the mornings and I was already on the computer and by the time he came home in the afternoons I was still sitting there.  I ate lunch with Dad most every day thinking that this summer it probably wouldn't be as feasible.  We spent the summer trying to do things we didn't think we'd be able to do for a long time.

I also started to look forward to all the different things that you and I would do together.  We're were going to go to the pool on base with Kristin and her boys.  Randall and Dad would come when they could but it would mostly be Momma and Cooper time.  We were going to go to the zoo and look at the animals.  You were going to ride the camels and feed the giraffes.   And when it got really hot outside, we would go to the gorilla exhibit.  Daddy was so excited to be able to take you fishing with Papa Don and Uncle Charlie. He was already trying to find you your first fishing pole.  Papa Don and Kimmy had bought floats for you and Norah to use in the pool this summer.  And bringing you home with us!  I couldn't wait to bring you home with us! Papa Don has the BEST parties during the summer and this summer was going to be the best with two new Sala grandbabies.

It wasn't supposed to be this way.  This wasn't the summer I had imagined.

I'm dreading the end of school and the beginning of summer.  I'm not sure how I'm going to fill up my time now. I've got a few craft projects I could finish.  I'll probably go back to cooking and baking again for Dad and his co-workers. We'll still go home.  We've even been thinking about taking a little trip, just the two of us.   I'll continue to go see Adrienne and Compassionate Friends, two things I did not picture myself doing this summer.  Dad and I have started a new healthy lifestyle , I might even 'attempt' to lose more weight.  It'll probably still be, Binx and I walking around base, this time avoiding the strollers and parks.  The end of this school year just means we are getting closer to your first birthday and closer to the anniversary of the day we said good bye. 

Hopefully, the end of the next school year will be different.

love you to the moon and back,
Momma

The Firsts

Cooper,

Many times I have no idea what to tell about.  I've actually started a list on my phone of things I should tell you and start writing them in my head but by the time I get the chance to really start writing them out, they are gone. I blame the grief.

That's were The First comes in.  It's a blog challenge I found a couple months back.  I like that it's open ended and can tell some of the happier times with you.  It helps that my brain doesn't have to think that much.

Here's another one of your firsts...  What was your baby’s first nickname?
Daddy came up with it, he called you The Spawn.  Most people see their little babies wiggling and moving on the ultrasound and give them cute nicknames like Peanut or Gummy Bear.  And instead we called you The Spawn, really what was Dad thinking???  Daddy was in South Korea when I went for my first visit and ultrasound so he didn't get to go with me.  We skyped the entire time he was gone.  Even with him being half way around the world, we were still on opposite schedules, I tried staying up late to be able to talk to him but I was just so tired all the time.  I turned the volume up really loud on the computer and when I heard him trying to call, I flew to the next room to answer his call.  It's funny to think that Daddy saw you for the first time at 3 in the morning half way around the world.  I hung that picture up on the refrigerator and didn't take it down until we moved out of the house in November.  And when we moved into the new house, it went right back up.  The Spawn fit even more perfectly when I first started to feel you kick and move.  It was the weirdest feeling ever.  The best way I could explain it to Daddy is that it felt like an alien inside of me.  It got much weird the bigger your moving became, later we were able to seeparts of you stick out of my stomach.  You were our little Spawn.

love you to the moon and back,
Momma

Happy 8 months Cooper!

Cooper,

Today as I did Calender with my kids I choked back the fact that you would have been 8 months old today and as I say this every month, I wonder what new things you would be doing? I have several friends who had their kids in August around the time you were born so I have small glimpses of what it would have been like to have an 8 month old.  Lately instead of thinking about what it would have been like to have a healthy 8 month old around, I've been thinking a lot what it would have been like had you beat NEC.  What kind of complications would you have been dealing with, feeding tubes and/or coleostomy bags?  Would there have been any other problems just because you were born early?  How many doctor's visits would we be going to each month?  Physical therapy?  What would life have been like with a child's whose health is compromised?  We'd do anything to have that again.  I would have given up teaching just to take care of you.

love you to the moon and back,
Momma

Just Those Few Weeks

Cooper,

We only had you for 9 days but they were the best days of our life.  The 34 weeks I was pregnant with you were also some of the best montsh of my life.  I have so many happy memories of being pregnant with you, going places and seeing things.  Looking forward to the day when you wouold be able to share them with us.  We had so many things planned for you.  Daddy was going to take you fishing with Papa Don.  I was going to teach you how to read.  And we were going to take you Disney World.

We have different dreams for you know.  We want to raise money so this doesn't happy to other babies.  We want to be able to help other mommies and daddies who those their little boys and girls.  We love you so much and want to make you proud as you Momma and Daddy.

Just Those Few Weeks

For those few weeks--

I had you to myself

And that seems too short a time

to be changed so profoundly.

In those few weeks--

I came to know you

and to love you.

You came to trust me with your life.

Oh, what a life I had planned!

Just those few weeks--

When I lost you.

I lost a lifetime of hopes,

plans, dreams, and aspirations...

A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.

Just those few weeks--

It wasn't enough time to convince others

how special and important you were.

How odd, a truly unique person has recently died

and no one is mourning this passing.

Just a mere few weeks--

And no 'normal' person would cry all night

over a tiny, unfinished baby,

or get depressed and withdrawn day after endless day.

No one would, so why am I?

You were just those few weeks my little one

you darted in and out of my life too quickly.

But it's seems that's all the time you needed

to make my life so much richer

and give me a small glipse of eternty.

Susan Erling Martinez, 1984

You were our world for 9 days, Our angel forever!

Momma and Cooper Michael, 1 day old

love you to the moon and back,

Momma



Norah's Birthday

Cooper,

I've been meaning to tell you about Norah's birthday although I'm sure you were watching it all happen.  I think I've been putting this off mostly because I knew I would have to relive something of the same feelings I had that day.  Feelings I didn't even know about.  I knew her birthday would be hard and I came expecting it to be hard but when it all came down. I didn't expect it to be that hard.

We drove down the night before. Daddy had gotten off work and I had to drive. I HATE driving for long distances, it's pure tortue to me.  I was looking forward to going home just to see everyone.  About half way home it really hit me what was going to happen and WHY we were going home.  All for your cousin's 1st birthda.  I literally broke down sobbing and thought I was going to have to pull over.  For a full hour I told Daddy all of the reasons why I hated this trip...needless to say it was a lot longer than the list of reasons why I was looking forward to being at home. 

We finally made it home late that night.  We showed up at Mimi's house we were staying and I was miserable and ready to leave already.  I hate when people pretend like you didn't exsist and tip toe around the elephant in the room that you life has become. I also hate when I leave the room people immediately start questioning Daddy about how I'm doing.  I'd much rather they ask me to my face. They say they don't want to ask me because they are afraid to see me cry.  I'm going to cry when I talk about you sometimes.  They need to grasp that fact. I will ALWAYS AND FOREVER cry when you are mentioned.  It's a part of my life know, they need to understand this fact.  We finally left and went to Papa Don and Kimmy's house.  Aunt Kisha and a friend were just finishing up making cupcakes for Norah's party.  Daddy and I always make it a point of seeing Norah before anything that we know will be friends or family because we tend to cry when we first see her. Norah didn't not want to go to either one of us and it stung just a little bit. She doesn't really recognize because we live in KS now.  She takes just a little bit more to warm up to us. I felt bad for Daddy because she never really did want to go to him all weekend.  By about Saturday night she would come to me and play a little bit.  We hung out for  a bit and then headed back to Mimi's house.

The next morning I woke up expecting it to be a long day.  Daddy and I went over early to help set up for the party. 

Aunt Kisha, Uncle Matt, Norah, Me and Daddy

I brought Cooper Bear with me.  Peopls started to show up and I showed him off like a proud momma.  I took him everywhere with me.  I'm sure some people thought it was strange that I was carrying around this heavy teddy bear but it didn't really bother me.  We ate and talked to friends and famiy we hadn't been able to see since Christmas.  And then IT happened.  They started singing Happy Birthday to her and I absolutely lost it.  I ran to the laundry and Papa Don followed me.  I just started sobbing.  Sobbing like when they told me your heart had stopped and they working to get it started again.  Sobbing like when they said I needed to call Daddy.  Sobbing like when they said they were getting ready to unhook you.  Sobbing like at your funeral.  I think they only thing that stopped me from collapsing right there was Papa Don. 

Who cries at a birthday party? ME!!!

I went outside to avoid everyone.  I immediatlye started texting Olivia's momma and Marcellus's momma because I knew they would understand.  I talked to Olivia's momma while everyone came out to watch her with her smash cake.  I pretty much avoided anyone and everyone except Dad after that.  People finally started to leave around 4:30 and I felt 'safe' to finally come out. Norah received a baby stroller for her birthday but didn't have anything to push so we used Cooper Bear and got this picture.

Eeee...I just love this picture now! Norah loved Cooper Bear. She gave him a lot of hugs and kisses.  It was a little sad to see.  Aunt Kisha and I were so excited when we were pregnant together.  We couldn't wait to be able to see our children playing together.  Instead of pictures of you and Norah we will have pictures of Norah and a weighted bear.

The next day I went out to visit you.  It was the first time I have been out there since they had taken down everything off your little plot of land.  I was so upset because I walked right by it at first.  I found pretty quickly after that because there is a little girl down the way from you who shares your birthday.  Every time I go out there I always count how many new babies are out there.   I hate it because there is always a new grave.  Out living your child is not normal.  There shouldn't be so many new graves each time.  It's not natural.  If this doesn't happen to everyone, then why each do I go out there find so many new babies buried there?  We buried you on a Thursday morning.  Daddy and I had to drive back on a Monday and before we left we went to say good bye.  That Monday there was already another baby buried next to you.  I cried for us and then I cried for them.  I didn't have any clue who they were but I knew right then in that minute, they were feeling the exact same why Daddy and I did right then in that cemetary. A way no parent should ever have to feel.


love you to the moon and back,
Momma

7 months and counting...

Cooper,

Has it really been 7 months???  Will it really have been a year in 4 more?  The only way I can believe it is by looking at the calendar.  The time seems to be flying by. We are getting further from you.  I think sometimes I am beginning to forget what you looked like.  The only way for me to remember is by looking at the few pictures we have of you.

Norah turns 1 next week and Daddy and I are heading back home to celebrate it with Aunt Kisha and Uncle Matt.  I went shopping for her over Spring Break and had the best time looking for pink girly things.  When I was pregnant, I kept wishing instead of Cooper you were our Kali.  It just seemed like more fun to shop for a little girl.  When I was shopping this time, there were cute boy clothes all around me.  I think I would have your closets filled.  Even when you were born early everyone went shopping for you.  I don't think I would have had to have done laundry for for quite some time.  What I would give to have to do laundry for you.  I don't even think Daddy would mind the credit card bills I would have racked up from buying your clothes.

The past two days have been odd.  I don't normally talk about you with strangers.  The death of a child isn't a normal piece of conversation you just bring up.  But in the past two days, I've told two parents of my students about you.

Yesterday, one of my favorite little girls (Yes, I have favorites, BAD TEACHER!!) was picked up late.  I had walked back into the office to clock out with S.  I mentioned to her grandmother that she had been clingy that day.  Her grandmother said that she is spoiled by her dad and her grandfather.  I told her I really didn't mind it, it doesn't bother me.  I said I love those kids like they were my own.  My student asked if I had any kids.  I was a little taken back by it because the last time someone asked, I lied and said no.  I didn't know what to say. I ended up saying it was complicated.  And the grandmother just stared for a minute and said "It's complicated? You do or you don't?"  I couldn't lie and I explained as best as I could that I/we had a son.  I  said you were born early and died 9 days later because you had become very sick.  I mentioned what it(NEC) was and what it does.  She asked when it had happened and I told her you had just left us in August, the day before school started.  She was quite shocked that I was already back at work. She said I must be strong to be back at work so soon. They told the parents of students in my class that I was just on medical leave and left it at that.  She felt horrible and couldn't imagine what it feels like to lose a child.  She did try to compare it to her divorce but I just smiled and nodded.  I know she meant well, but that was a first for me.  A divorce, really?  It through me for a loop and I spent the rest of my lunch break wandering off in my thoughts.

Then today our class won a party.  We had a picnic for lunch and asked our parents to come and join in on the festivities.  A parent showed up who I don't really see on a regular basis because her daughter rides the bus.  Her mom came and was much further along that I expected.  I knew she was pregnant, because her daughter been talking nonstop about her new baby brother.  At one point, I asked her how she was feeling and when she was due.  She's 34 weeks, that bothered me a bit because that's how far along I was when I had you.  She said that once she makes to 36 weeks she didn't care when he came.  He could come right then and he'd be okay. I wanted to scream and tell her she wasn't out of the woods yet!  Somehow we got down to it, that she her second daughter was stillborn.  That right there opened the doors for me to talk about Cooper.  We had a nice little talk about our kids and then that lead right into the subject of Rainbows.   I talked with her a bit mostly about what it was like to be pregnant after losing a child. I'm sure parents were wondering why I was crying a bit.  I really enjoyed my conversation with her.  She gave me peace that Daddy and I will have our Rainbows somedays.  She gave more confidence that a Rainbow is very possible!  She waited 5 years after losing her daught before she got her Rainbow. She had another daughter and is pregnant with her 3rd since losing her daughter 15 years ago!

I love having the opportunity to talk about you with other moms. I'm sure if someone would let me, I'd share you entire 9 days of life!  It might not be able to share as often as other moms can and do, but talking about you is one of my favorite things to do!   If there's ever an opportunity to talk about you, I'll take it.  I'm proud to be your mother!

love you to the moon and back,
Momma

First Cravings...

Cooper,

FOOD!

Gosh, I do love food and almost every aspect of it! Except shopping for it...I hate that part.  I was so excited for you to get here so I would finally have someone to go shopping with me.  I remember going grocery shopping with Nana growing up.  When I was younger, I remember I woulr always try to convince her that there was something that I just couldn't 'live with out' on each trip.  I'm sure Nana saw right through it but she loved us and very rarely refused not getting buying whatever it was.  I couldn't wait tell you were old enough to do the same thing.  I have a good friend who has two boys and she hates taking them with her because whenever they pass by the toy section, they will cry until she lets them pick out a '$50 truck', aka one of the little matchbox cars.  I would gladly buy you any ACTUAL $50 truck if I had the chance.

Daddy's dad and step mom are the best cooks ever!  And boy did you enjoy their cooking! I'm so glad you had the 'chance' to try it! Everytime we would go home to visit,  I would go straight to their refrigerator and raid it!  I was one happy pregnant momma!

The whole point of this post is about the first foods I craved when I was pregnat with you.  There's an entire list of foods I craved when I was pregnant. 

1. Pot of Gold Soup  This is what tipped Daddy off to the fact that we might be expanding out little trio (Me, Daddy, and big fur brother Binx) to a family of 4.  I randomly found it while I was making out a list of groceries in a cookbook that your Mimi had given me at Christmas.  It's apparently an old scout cooking recipe that is super easy to make over a campfire.  It's nothing more than tomato soup with a pound of hamburger meat and 1 chopped up onion.  Then you take a roll of biscuits and in each biscuits you put in a little cube of cheese.   Daddy thought it was the most horrible thing ever but I could not get enough of it and ate it for DAYS!  About a week after making it, we found out we were pregnant.  And much later, Daddy finally said that's what tipped him off the pot of gold soup.

2. Ranch dressing I could not get enough of the stuff I would literally eat it on everything.  I bought ranch dressing in the huge bottles and would run out pretty quickly.

3. Cheese and pickles I love cheese and I love pickles.  Very early in my pregnancy with you I would actually eat them together.  I'm now gagging at that thought.  But's also something I craved when I was pregnant with Colby.  Nana and Papa came down to visit while Daddy was in Korea very early on.  Nana and I went shopping and I bought 6 different kinds of pickles.  I think I still had one of the jars in the fridge up until we moved a few weeks back.  I have a feeling this we will be a recurring craving in future pregnancies.

4.  Sweets This one is a little different.  I love LOVE love different types of candy, especially peanut butter cups!  I love Easter because they put out ones that look like eggs.  I swear the peanut butter in those bad boys is sooo much better than in the normal ones.  When I was pregnant, I could NOT eat anything sweet.  It would just make me even  more sick to my stomach.  I could not stand anything sweet.  I thought it was the most horrible thing ever.  We told our parents and siblings you were a boy but having red velvet cupcakes filled with blue icing.  I ate one and it ended pretty poorly.  I couldn't even enjoy my favorite cupcake from my favorite bakery.  Daddy was okay with it though, he happily ate my share of the cupcakes. :)

5.  Salads & Fresh Vegetables  I've never been one to choose to eat a salad or fresh vegetables.  But it seemed like I couldn't get enough of it!  I would eat broccoli and cauliflower almost everyday during the sumemr. And whenever we ate I would end up ordering a salad.  Daddy and I were convinced that between my revulsion for sweet things and my sudden desire for anything green and from a garden you were going to be one healthy little guy. Perhaps that's why you were so healthy for 34 weeks??

6. Spicy foods  Anyone who really knows me, understands that I hated foods that were spicy.  I would avoid them at all costs.  Spicy foods did not touch my lips.  I would refuse to touch Daddy if I knew he had eaten something spicy recently.  Daddy LOVES spicy foods.  Well, that changed with you little monkey.  I LOVED spicy foods.  There were even somethings that were too spicy for Dad that I loved.  And Daddy, Papa Don and Kimmy love to do it spicy at their house!  Whenever we were home, I would spend my days in the pool with a bowl of salsa and chips.  You would kick and roll and flip all over when I got into the pool.  I think you would have been right at home this summer in the pool.

love you to the moon and back,
Momma

The New 'Normal'

Colby,

Momma sure does love her first baby A LOT!  Daddy and I miss you, and even though we never met or saw you, you impacted our lives in such a way.  Because of you we have Cooper.

Thanks for telling me hi on Sunday morning.
love you,
Momma
 
Cooper,

Gosh, I need to get my rear in gear and write just a little bit more.  Even though I talk a lot to you and Colby throughout the day and at night.  I know you have been watching and see a lot of what has been going on.

I've been thinking/talking a lot about this new 'normal' and what it's like to live it.  Never in a million years did I think my normal would involve funeral arrangements.  I didn't think I would have to do any of this until something happened to our parents.  I never dreamed I would be having to make them for you.

I HATE funeral homes.  And although, part of me thanks the FH Funeral Home for everything they did.  There are days like the last 5, I wish it was possible to take our business elsewhere.  I hate the last few days events and could just spit.  I do NOT remember them saying they were going to remove your temporary marker until they laid your marker.  How in the world is anyone supposed to 'find' you out there??? Daddy and I put some special things out there and I would have liked to have been given the chance to go back out there and get them back!  Nana put a little stained glass nativity that her sister, my Aunt Jan, made a few years back.  It's pretty special to Nana because it was one of the last pieces she ever made for her.  And Aunt Jan beat you to Heaven in June.  Nana is pretty livid herself.  She wanted to put it out there each Christmas for you.  Nana, Daddy and I are making every effort to have you marker out there for you by your birthday.  Once it's all paid off it will take about 3 months start to finish until it's in the ground.  So we will need for it to be paid off by May.  Hopefully something will come through and we will have it for you, Can't believe you will be 1 in 5 months, how big would be now???

I HATE that I have a reason to go to The Compassionate Friends.  I really look forward every month to be able to go.  It's the one place I feel like I can go and I'm normal.  I don't feel like I'm different than anyone else. Wherever I go, I feel like I have a name tag on that says "Hello, I've lost my child."  And when I'm there, we all have that name tag on.  It's okay to cry because we all cry.  We all talk about our children in the past tense.  There't no judgment from anyone.  We can sit and talk about our children and no one starts to roll their eyes because they heard the same story, a month ago.  It's okay for me to sit and cling to a teddy bear that feels like I'm holding you.  No one stops and stares.

I HATE that some of my closest friends have all experienced this.  I hate that Melissa, Morgan and I can compare notes about what happened to you, Olivia, and Marcellus,  Shouldn't we be comparing notes about normal things, like weight, sleep, what your eating, or some cute new thing you are doing! Or Peggy and her sweet baby Aubrie, we're connected now by dates in August and our babies. I hate that my friends who havn't experienced this just seem more distant than ever.  I know they try! I see how hard they try to understand.  Or my 'friends' who have just flat out disappeared because I lost you.  I'm not diseased, losing a child is not contagious.  Just because it happened to me, doesn't mean you can't be friends with me?!?!

Someone please tell me, when did this become my new norm!? I tell you when...August 28, 20ll.  The day our world was changed forever.

love you to the moon and back,
Momma

An Unfinished Mother

Cooper,

I mentioned last time that I've been having a hard time trying to figure out if I'm still a mother or not.  I know I am, I always be your momma and no one can change that.  I've had to things that most parents will not ever had to do.  Daddy and I have had to plan a funeral, pick out a casket, and pick out a headstone for our child. Our 9 day old infant son.  I feel like a broken record when I say this.  I'm not supposed to be doing this.  I'm not supposed to have buried my son.  You WERE supposed to have done all those things for me.  Not me for you.  This isn't fair and there are no do overs in life.  Those were the last things I was able to do for as your mother.  Our parents did most of the arrangements for us because honestly Daddy and I were in too much of a state of shock.  We did pick out the picture for your funeral, we picked out a poem, we picked out what you wore and we picked out your headstone.

Am I still a Mother?   Will in one remember in May that I'm a mom on Mother's Day?  Will anyone believe me?  THIS ISN'T FAIR!!!

I got this month's TCF newsletter in the mail and it sums up a lot.  I still hurt but reading made me feel better, if only for just a little while.  I didn't write this.  I'm not claiming this work as my own at ALL.

An Unfinished Mother    by Clara Hinton

When child loss occurs, a mother goes through a difficut time of emtional turmoil and questioning. "Am I still a mother?"  "Does my child still have a birthday each year, or does time stand still?"  "Can the mother/child relationship continue to grow, or am I now an 'unfinished mother'?"

Losing a child places a mother on a road that begins a lonelier journey than ever expected-one that can never really be explained.  There was a beginning, but with the death of the child, there is no middle and no end.  Everything seems so unfinished.  Hopes and dreams were stopped far too soon.  Joy was snatched away so suddenly.  A mother is left with empty arms and an empty heart.  Nothing can ever be complete when a child's life ends.

When the death of a child occurs, a mother is stopped in her tracks, and she suddenly feels inadequate and incomplete.  She wears a new name.  She is an "unfinished mother", never bein able to see the rest of the picture.  She will never be able to watch her child mature into a young adult.  She will never be able to see all the pieces fit together.  The picture will always have part of the scenery missing.  It is so painful to be an unfinished mother!  Child loss makes everything seems to empty and incomplete.

The reality of child loss is so devastating to a mother.  There are overwhelming feelinsg of guilt, inadequatcy, and most often feelinsg of failure.  These feelings can overwhelm a mother for several months following the death of a child, and it can be quite difficult to build a support system to carry a mother through this roller coaster of emtions.  Very few people will understand a mother's explanation of feeling like she is an unfinished mother.

There will be come a critical point in this journey of gried when a mother must reach deep inside her inner resources and make a conscious decision to accept herself just as she is-a mother whose heart has been touched by the pain and grief of child loss.  Only then can she start to put together some of the broken pieces and begin to feel like there will be a day when she will feel more like a complete mother than an unfinished mother.

When a child dies, life is suddenly thrown completely off balance.  A mother is left feeling like her identity has been taken away.  It is often a long difficult journey to find that place of identity as a mother again.  It's hard to understand that there is unfinished living that will never be completed.  Peace can finally come to a mother's heart when she realizes that there is a big difference between having unfinished business and being left feeling like an unfinished mother.

A mother is never "unfinished".  No matter how brief her time was with her child, the bond of love between mother and child was complete.  A mother's love for her child is unending.  Dreams may shatter and circumstances may change, but a mother's love remains strong.  As a mother travels the path to healing, it is important for her to remind herself often that is a mother forever. Her motherhood did not stop when her child died.  This understanding of motherhood releases the feelings of guilt and failure and allows a mother  to begin to see herself as a whole person again-a complete mother.

A mother is never an "unfinished mother."  A mother's love runs far too deep to ever be called unfinished!

love you to the moon and back,
Momma

6 months today and still breathing...

Cooper,

My sweet precious little boy.

 Today marked 6 days since Daddy or I held you close.  I can't believe it's been that long.  Yesterday we got our Cooper and Colby Bears in the mail.  We knew our Cooper Bear was coming but we didn't expect him until later this week.  So to find him sitting in our mailbox last night was a complete surprise.  Included was another surprise, Esther's momma sent along a Colby Bear in memory of your big brother.   I don't think we've put them down very long since we got them.  We spent most of the afternoon on the couch trading him back and forth, laying him on our chests like when we would k-care with you in the NICU.  His fur is almost as soft as your hair and skin were.  Sometimes I wish he smelled like you.

I can honestly say the worst part of today were the days leading up.  I didn't know what to expect.  Daddy and I both took the day off from work.  Daddy had to take his PT test and I ended up needing to take care of some things at work. I happened to be in a meeting at 11:15, I watched the minute switch and my heart break just a little bit more.  After that was over with, we went out to lunch.  Of course about 10 minutes after we sat down, they seated a new mom with baby. It was a little boy.  The waitress kept gushing over what a beautiful baby he was.  It took everything in me to not tear into my purse to find the pictures I keep of you and show them to everyone in the restuarant.  We quickly finished up and went to Target to add movies to Daddy's movie collection.  Then we came home and napped a bit with Cooper Bear before I needed to head to an appointment with Adrienne.  I stopped to get ice cream because Daddy has been so good about not eating sweets, so he could pass his PT test.  We enjoyed our ice cream and another nap.  Grieving is so tiring.  We ate dinner and spent the rest of the evening watching our Tuesday night shows and passing Cooper Bear back and forth.

 We had a pretty nasty storm tonight.  At one point, I thought the wind, hail and ran were going to blow in our windows.  I looked outside and the rain was blowing sideways.  The visibility was so bad an SUV was creeping down the street.  It rained and hailed like that for quite some time.  And then it just stopped.  It was raining and hailing one minute and then it just stopped like someone flipped the light switch and it just stopped.  I wish there was a switch like for grief to be able to just turn it off when I need to.

I got the montly newsletter from TCF yesterday.  There was an article in there about being an unfinished mother.  It was perfect timing again.  I'm been having a hard time dealing with the fact of whether or not I'm a still a mother.  I know I'm a mother.  I'm your momma. I'm Colby's momma.  But I have nothing to 'mother'.  I'm dreading Mother's Day.  I've heard about the Mother of Angel Day.  But I don't want to be that mother. I didn't ask for this.  I want to celebrate Mother's day with my babies, my Cooper and Colby.  I worry no one will remember that I'm still someone's mom.  I'm going to try and post it on here one day.

Oh and if anyone out there reads this and knows how to add music, do me a favor and leave a comment telling me how to add music, there's a few songs I've been wanting to add to my blog.

love you to the moon and back,
Momma