The New 'Normal'

Colby,

Momma sure does love her first baby A LOT!  Daddy and I miss you, and even though we never met or saw you, you impacted our lives in such a way.  Because of you we have Cooper.

Thanks for telling me hi on Sunday morning.
love you,
Momma
 
Cooper,

Gosh, I need to get my rear in gear and write just a little bit more.  Even though I talk a lot to you and Colby throughout the day and at night.  I know you have been watching and see a lot of what has been going on.

I've been thinking/talking a lot about this new 'normal' and what it's like to live it.  Never in a million years did I think my normal would involve funeral arrangements.  I didn't think I would have to do any of this until something happened to our parents.  I never dreamed I would be having to make them for you.

I HATE funeral homes.  And although, part of me thanks the FH Funeral Home for everything they did.  There are days like the last 5, I wish it was possible to take our business elsewhere.  I hate the last few days events and could just spit.  I do NOT remember them saying they were going to remove your temporary marker until they laid your marker.  How in the world is anyone supposed to 'find' you out there??? Daddy and I put some special things out there and I would have liked to have been given the chance to go back out there and get them back!  Nana put a little stained glass nativity that her sister, my Aunt Jan, made a few years back.  It's pretty special to Nana because it was one of the last pieces she ever made for her.  And Aunt Jan beat you to Heaven in June.  Nana is pretty livid herself.  She wanted to put it out there each Christmas for you.  Nana, Daddy and I are making every effort to have you marker out there for you by your birthday.  Once it's all paid off it will take about 3 months start to finish until it's in the ground.  So we will need for it to be paid off by May.  Hopefully something will come through and we will have it for you, Can't believe you will be 1 in 5 months, how big would be now???

I HATE that I have a reason to go to The Compassionate Friends.  I really look forward every month to be able to go.  It's the one place I feel like I can go and I'm normal.  I don't feel like I'm different than anyone else. Wherever I go, I feel like I have a name tag on that says "Hello, I've lost my child."  And when I'm there, we all have that name tag on.  It's okay to cry because we all cry.  We all talk about our children in the past tense.  There't no judgment from anyone.  We can sit and talk about our children and no one starts to roll their eyes because they heard the same story, a month ago.  It's okay for me to sit and cling to a teddy bear that feels like I'm holding you.  No one stops and stares.

I HATE that some of my closest friends have all experienced this.  I hate that Melissa, Morgan and I can compare notes about what happened to you, Olivia, and Marcellus,  Shouldn't we be comparing notes about normal things, like weight, sleep, what your eating, or some cute new thing you are doing! Or Peggy and her sweet baby Aubrie, we're connected now by dates in August and our babies. I hate that my friends who havn't experienced this just seem more distant than ever.  I know they try! I see how hard they try to understand.  Or my 'friends' who have just flat out disappeared because I lost you.  I'm not diseased, losing a child is not contagious.  Just because it happened to me, doesn't mean you can't be friends with me?!?!

Someone please tell me, when did this become my new norm!? I tell you when...August 28, 20ll.  The day our world was changed forever.

love you to the moon and back,
Momma