Cooper,
My sweet precious little boy.
Today marked 6 days since Daddy or I held you close. I can't believe it's been that long. Yesterday we got our Cooper and Colby Bears in the mail. We knew our Cooper Bear was coming but we didn't expect him until later this week. So to find him sitting in our mailbox last night was a complete surprise. Included was another surprise, Esther's momma sent along a Colby Bear in memory of your big brother. I don't think we've put them down very long since we got them. We spent most of the afternoon on the couch trading him back and forth, laying him on our chests like when we would k-care with you in the NICU. His fur is almost as soft as your hair and skin were. Sometimes I wish he smelled like you.
I can honestly say the worst part of today were the days leading up. I didn't know what to expect. Daddy and I both took the day off from work. Daddy had to take his PT test and I ended up needing to take care of some things at work. I happened to be in a meeting at 11:15, I watched the minute switch and my heart break just a little bit more. After that was over with, we went out to lunch. Of course about 10 minutes after we sat down, they seated a new mom with baby. It was a little boy. The waitress kept gushing over what a beautiful baby he was. It took everything in me to not tear into my purse to find the pictures I keep of you and show them to everyone in the restuarant. We quickly finished up and went to Target to add movies to Daddy's movie collection. Then we came home and napped a bit with Cooper Bear before I needed to head to an appointment with Adrienne. I stopped to get ice cream because Daddy has been so good about not eating sweets, so he could pass his PT test. We enjoyed our ice cream and another nap. Grieving is so tiring. We ate dinner and spent the rest of the evening watching our Tuesday night shows and passing Cooper Bear back and forth.
We had a pretty nasty storm tonight. At one point, I thought the wind, hail and ran were going to blow in our windows. I looked outside and the rain was blowing sideways. The visibility was so bad an SUV was creeping down the street. It rained and hailed like that for quite some time. And then it just stopped. It was raining and hailing one minute and then it just stopped like someone flipped the light switch and it just stopped. I wish there was a switch like for grief to be able to just turn it off when I need to.
I got the montly newsletter from TCF yesterday. There was an article in there about being an unfinished mother. It was perfect timing again. I'm been having a hard time dealing with the fact of whether or not I'm a still a mother. I know I'm a mother. I'm your momma. I'm Colby's momma. But I have nothing to 'mother'. I'm dreading Mother's Day. I've heard about the Mother of Angel Day. But I don't want to be that mother. I didn't ask for this. I want to celebrate Mother's day with my babies, my Cooper and Colby. I worry no one will remember that I'm still someone's mom. I'm going to try and post it on here one day.
Oh and if anyone out there reads this and knows how to add music, do me a favor and leave a comment telling me how to add music, there's a few songs I've been wanting to add to my blog.
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
Oh Kendra, I didn't realize you were in the meeting over his time. That must have been so tough!
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you got your bears Monday night! I've said that my Marcellus Bear's fur is so soft like Marcellus's hair. And totally wish that the bear smelled like Marcellus too! Sometimes when I'm holding Marcellus Bear I'll smell is head without thinking like I did with my sweet boy. Even though the bears don't come close to what it would be like to have our boys, they really do bring some comfort to a momma's aching empty arms.