7 months and counting...

Cooper,

Has it really been 7 months???  Will it really have been a year in 4 more?  The only way I can believe it is by looking at the calendar.  The time seems to be flying by. We are getting further from you.  I think sometimes I am beginning to forget what you looked like.  The only way for me to remember is by looking at the few pictures we have of you.

Norah turns 1 next week and Daddy and I are heading back home to celebrate it with Aunt Kisha and Uncle Matt.  I went shopping for her over Spring Break and had the best time looking for pink girly things.  When I was pregnant, I kept wishing instead of Cooper you were our Kali.  It just seemed like more fun to shop for a little girl.  When I was shopping this time, there were cute boy clothes all around me.  I think I would have your closets filled.  Even when you were born early everyone went shopping for you.  I don't think I would have had to have done laundry for for quite some time.  What I would give to have to do laundry for you.  I don't even think Daddy would mind the credit card bills I would have racked up from buying your clothes.

The past two days have been odd.  I don't normally talk about you with strangers.  The death of a child isn't a normal piece of conversation you just bring up.  But in the past two days, I've told two parents of my students about you.

Yesterday, one of my favorite little girls (Yes, I have favorites, BAD TEACHER!!) was picked up late.  I had walked back into the office to clock out with S.  I mentioned to her grandmother that she had been clingy that day.  Her grandmother said that she is spoiled by her dad and her grandfather.  I told her I really didn't mind it, it doesn't bother me.  I said I love those kids like they were my own.  My student asked if I had any kids.  I was a little taken back by it because the last time someone asked, I lied and said no.  I didn't know what to say. I ended up saying it was complicated.  And the grandmother just stared for a minute and said "It's complicated? You do or you don't?"  I couldn't lie and I explained as best as I could that I/we had a son.  I  said you were born early and died 9 days later because you had become very sick.  I mentioned what it(NEC) was and what it does.  She asked when it had happened and I told her you had just left us in August, the day before school started.  She was quite shocked that I was already back at work. She said I must be strong to be back at work so soon. They told the parents of students in my class that I was just on medical leave and left it at that.  She felt horrible and couldn't imagine what it feels like to lose a child.  She did try to compare it to her divorce but I just smiled and nodded.  I know she meant well, but that was a first for me.  A divorce, really?  It through me for a loop and I spent the rest of my lunch break wandering off in my thoughts.

Then today our class won a party.  We had a picnic for lunch and asked our parents to come and join in on the festivities.  A parent showed up who I don't really see on a regular basis because her daughter rides the bus.  Her mom came and was much further along that I expected.  I knew she was pregnant, because her daughter been talking nonstop about her new baby brother.  At one point, I asked her how she was feeling and when she was due.  She's 34 weeks, that bothered me a bit because that's how far along I was when I had you.  She said that once she makes to 36 weeks she didn't care when he came.  He could come right then and he'd be okay. I wanted to scream and tell her she wasn't out of the woods yet!  Somehow we got down to it, that she her second daughter was stillborn.  That right there opened the doors for me to talk about Cooper.  We had a nice little talk about our kids and then that lead right into the subject of Rainbows.   I talked with her a bit mostly about what it was like to be pregnant after losing a child. I'm sure parents were wondering why I was crying a bit.  I really enjoyed my conversation with her.  She gave me peace that Daddy and I will have our Rainbows somedays.  She gave more confidence that a Rainbow is very possible!  She waited 5 years after losing her daught before she got her Rainbow. She had another daughter and is pregnant with her 3rd since losing her daughter 15 years ago!

I love having the opportunity to talk about you with other moms. I'm sure if someone would let me, I'd share you entire 9 days of life!  It might not be able to share as often as other moms can and do, but talking about you is one of my favorite things to do!   If there's ever an opportunity to talk about you, I'll take it.  I'm proud to be your mother!

love you to the moon and back,
Momma