Cooper,
I never thought we would ever get here. This is the one day I've been dreading since you've been gone. We've had to grieve about the loss of you and also the dreams we've had for you. Not a day goes by that I don't think about something we should have been doing with you. We SHOULD be at home in Oklahoma with family and friends. We SHOULD have taken you to see your very first Christmas lights. We SHOULD have taken you to see Santa with Norah. We SHOULD have picked out your 1st Christmas ornament as a family. We SHOULD have taken a picture of you and Binx by the tree. We SHOULD have gone Christmas shopping for you. We SHOULD have picked out the sweetest Christmas pajamas for you. We SHOULD be taking you to your Mimi's Christmas Eve party and everyone SHOULD be fighting to hold you. We SHOULD be happy. Instead, we avoid everyone and are still in Kansas, planning to leave as late as possible. Instead, we won't go see Christmas lights this year. Instead, I rushed past the long line of kids waiting to see Santa, hoping no one would see my tears. Instead, I picked out a memory ornament for you. Instead, it was just Binx by the tree. Instead, we bought a Christmas Swag to lay on your grave. Instead, I picked out pajamas for Norah with monkeys from you. Instead, I'm plotting on how I can get through that party with a little help from my good friend wine. Instead, I'm trying to hide the tears and appear to be strong.
At Thanksgiving, when we went home, it was like you have never happened. No one asked how we were doing except for family. I want so badly for them to ask how we are doing. I want them to know that almost 4 months later we are still devastated by the loss of you, our sweet boy.
I do not know what I'm supposed to do. I'm happy you don't hurt any more and that you won't ever have to hurt. But I don't know how to make this better for me or your daddy. I'm sobbing so hard right now, I don't think I've cried this hard in a long time. My chest hurts so much. My heart is breaking...
love you to the moon and back,
Cooper
Friday, December 23, 2011
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Dear Santa,
Dear Santa,
I'm writing this letter from me to you. I hope you don't think I'm asking to much of you. You visit us every year and leave us such wonderful things, but I'm wondering do you visit all the children who have wings? I know your so very busy, so much to do in one night, but could you please make an extra trip to the stars that shine so bright? You see my baby lives up there, just to perfect for life on Earth, please leave them a gift and put a stocking on their cloud, filled with precious presents from their family on the ground. Please stroke their sleepy head and tell my baby I miss them so, that my heart aches with sadness and tears just seems to flow. If you could do this for me Santa I may even be able to smile, even if it is just for a little while. So thank you very much Santa for all that you do, after all it is Christmas in Heaven too.
~ Author Unknown
Cooper,
Well I know I shouldn't have done it but I did. I put of all the Christmas shopping until the last minute. Today is exactly 1 week until Christmas. It was extremely busy every where I went. I used to be patient and things didn't bother me but not as much since you've been gone. My patience was short this afternoon. Best Buy is run by some stupid people. I will avoid that place for a very long time.
I finally went in to Toys R Us. I went shopping for Norah there. I tried to avoid the little boys section but it was pretty much unavoidable. I love see monkeys because it reminds me so much of you. But today I swear they were everywhere and it was just too upsetting to see. I all but lost it. As I'm sure it would be very odd to see someone standing in the middle of the store clutching monkey socks and bawling their eyes out. I picked something out for you to 'give' to Norah and Daddy. I'm sure they will love them. I also picked out a special something for you as well. We'll bring it out to you on Christmas Day.
Your daddy is finally home! I'm so excited he is finally back home with me. I gave him one of his Christmas presents early today. And I'm pretty sure he's enjoying it a little too much. I bought him a new keyboard that's made especially for playing computer games with Vent. He's such a little kid, he had to hook it up right away. I know how much he was looking forward to introducing you to his video games. I'm sure if you were around he'd have you sitting on his lap playing them now. You used to kick me when I played mine this summer. I know you would have loved them just as much as we do.
love you my little monkey,
Momma
I'm writing this letter from me to you. I hope you don't think I'm asking to much of you. You visit us every year and leave us such wonderful things, but I'm wondering do you visit all the children who have wings? I know your so very busy, so much to do in one night, but could you please make an extra trip to the stars that shine so bright? You see my baby lives up there, just to perfect for life on Earth, please leave them a gift and put a stocking on their cloud, filled with precious presents from their family on the ground. Please stroke their sleepy head and tell my baby I miss them so, that my heart aches with sadness and tears just seems to flow. If you could do this for me Santa I may even be able to smile, even if it is just for a little while. So thank you very much Santa for all that you do, after all it is Christmas in Heaven too.
~ Author Unknown
Cooper,
Well I know I shouldn't have done it but I did. I put of all the Christmas shopping until the last minute. Today is exactly 1 week until Christmas. It was extremely busy every where I went. I used to be patient and things didn't bother me but not as much since you've been gone. My patience was short this afternoon. Best Buy is run by some stupid people. I will avoid that place for a very long time.
I finally went in to Toys R Us. I went shopping for Norah there. I tried to avoid the little boys section but it was pretty much unavoidable. I love see monkeys because it reminds me so much of you. But today I swear they were everywhere and it was just too upsetting to see. I all but lost it. As I'm sure it would be very odd to see someone standing in the middle of the store clutching monkey socks and bawling their eyes out. I picked something out for you to 'give' to Norah and Daddy. I'm sure they will love them. I also picked out a special something for you as well. We'll bring it out to you on Christmas Day.
Your daddy is finally home! I'm so excited he is finally back home with me. I gave him one of his Christmas presents early today. And I'm pretty sure he's enjoying it a little too much. I bought him a new keyboard that's made especially for playing computer games with Vent. He's such a little kid, he had to hook it up right away. I know how much he was looking forward to introducing you to his video games. I'm sure if you were around he'd have you sitting on his lap playing them now. You used to kick me when I played mine this summer. I know you would have loved them just as much as we do.
love you my little monkey,
Momma
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Then and Now
Cooper,
I went back and read some of the entries I made about a month after you were born. I can't believe I've come this far. I didn't think I'd be standing but here I am. I'm breathing AND standing!
My days are starting to get better. I'm beginning slowly to see that there is a light at the end of this tunnel. But I was talking with my therapist today that I don't really think I'll ever come back from this. I'll recover but I won't be the same me. Having you and watching you pass away has completely changed me. I think about everything completely differently now. Daddy says I'm much more matter of fact and get straight to the point. I don't let people run me over. Who would have thought you would do that to me? I'm too much of people pleaser and really want people to like me. Now I really don't care, this is me. I've lost my son. You're either in my life or not.
I'm beginning to even want to go out and do things. Daddy and I are actually thinking about taking a trip together for my Spring Break? Do you know the last time we took a trip. That would be never. We never got our honeymoon. And we thought for sure that we wouldn't be able to go anywhere until he got out. I think we are starting to live in the moment and cherish each other even more. I'm not sure where we will go or if we will even go but it's having something to think about and look forward too.
love you Monkey,
Momma
I went back and read some of the entries I made about a month after you were born. I can't believe I've come this far. I didn't think I'd be standing but here I am. I'm breathing AND standing!
My days are starting to get better. I'm beginning slowly to see that there is a light at the end of this tunnel. But I was talking with my therapist today that I don't really think I'll ever come back from this. I'll recover but I won't be the same me. Having you and watching you pass away has completely changed me. I think about everything completely differently now. Daddy says I'm much more matter of fact and get straight to the point. I don't let people run me over. Who would have thought you would do that to me? I'm too much of people pleaser and really want people to like me. Now I really don't care, this is me. I've lost my son. You're either in my life or not.
I'm beginning to even want to go out and do things. Daddy and I are actually thinking about taking a trip together for my Spring Break? Do you know the last time we took a trip. That would be never. We never got our honeymoon. And we thought for sure that we wouldn't be able to go anywhere until he got out. I think we are starting to live in the moment and cherish each other even more. I'm not sure where we will go or if we will even go but it's having something to think about and look forward too.
love you Monkey,
Momma
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Since he's been gone,
Cooper,
You daddy's gone for the first time since you've been gone. I've been surprised with myself. I didn't cry when I dropped him off or for the rest of the day. I havn't cried about him being gone at all. I've only cried for you. I remember the last time he left was just a few weeks after we found out we were expecting you. I cried for days not having him there with me, with us. I also remember picking him up at the airport thinking that one day it would be the two of us going to pick him. I couldn't wait. I guess in way you still go with me to drop him off and pick him. And you even get to go with him. If you're there with him now I hope you are enjoying yourself.
While he's been gone, I've just kept to myself. I know your daddy would want me to get out and see friends but I just don't want to. I went to Kristin's last night and I suppose I'll go over there again tonight but I'd rather be by myself.
We put of the tree before we left. I was really looking forward to starting family traditions with you here. Daddy and I talk about what we'll do when your siblings are finally here. I like to think about it. I went out to try and find the perfect ornament for you. It's part of our new tradition. An ornament for each of kids every year. You might not be here with us but you will get your own ornament every year. I couldn't find the right one so I've decided I'm going to make it. Mimi gave us an ornament holder last year and I think I'll put your ornament for that year on it. You doctor from Wesley also sent us an ornament. It has your name and birthday and Angelversary on it. I put it right on top next to Baby Sala's ornament we got last year. I've been forcing myself to do Christmassy things this year. Listening to music, finding the right gifts, going to parties, etc. I wish you dad was here... Hopefully he'll be back before Christmas.
love you sweet boy,
Momma
You daddy's gone for the first time since you've been gone. I've been surprised with myself. I didn't cry when I dropped him off or for the rest of the day. I havn't cried about him being gone at all. I've only cried for you. I remember the last time he left was just a few weeks after we found out we were expecting you. I cried for days not having him there with me, with us. I also remember picking him up at the airport thinking that one day it would be the two of us going to pick him. I couldn't wait. I guess in way you still go with me to drop him off and pick him. And you even get to go with him. If you're there with him now I hope you are enjoying yourself.
While he's been gone, I've just kept to myself. I know your daddy would want me to get out and see friends but I just don't want to. I went to Kristin's last night and I suppose I'll go over there again tonight but I'd rather be by myself.
We put of the tree before we left. I was really looking forward to starting family traditions with you here. Daddy and I talk about what we'll do when your siblings are finally here. I like to think about it. I went out to try and find the perfect ornament for you. It's part of our new tradition. An ornament for each of kids every year. You might not be here with us but you will get your own ornament every year. I couldn't find the right one so I've decided I'm going to make it. Mimi gave us an ornament holder last year and I think I'll put your ornament for that year on it. You doctor from Wesley also sent us an ornament. It has your name and birthday and Angelversary on it. I put it right on top next to Baby Sala's ornament we got last year. I've been forcing myself to do Christmassy things this year. Listening to music, finding the right gifts, going to parties, etc. I wish you dad was here... Hopefully he'll be back before Christmas.
love you sweet boy,
Momma
Monday, November 28, 2011
Overcome with Grief...
Cooper,
The first major holiday since you've left has come and gone. I thought I would be 'okay' up until the point when we crossed over into Oklahoma on our way home. After that it was all just downhill from there. Wednesday night we went to Papa Don's and Kimmy's and I cried most of the way there knowing your cousin was inside sleeping. And I sat there and cried for what seemed forever. We went out to see the new Muppet movie with your Uncle Matt and Aunt Kisha. The next day was just as bad. We got to your Papa Don's and Kimmy's before anyone else. I started tearing up almost immediately and wondered off to be by myself and I found where they put up your picture. I think I sat there and stared at it forever. Daddy finally came and found me and we walked and talked for a bit. We we came back I had a nice talk with Aunt Kisha and told her some of the things I was feeling. She was really understanding about it. I mean there is no handbook for situations like this.
Friday morning, we went and picked out your headstone. It's not what we orginally thought we would get for you. I wouldn't say I love it or think it's perfect because well it's your headstone. Not exactly what I thought I'd be shopping for this Black Friday at all. But I think it's nice. We went out and visited you after that was all done. You have some 'over zealous' neighbors. I was a little upset by the fact that I feel like they took some of your space. I really want your headstone up so we know it's your little piece of land. I think they put a few things on your grave. I don't know if they did to be nice or if they think no one visits you. But part of me just wants to to tell them we aren't bad parents but that your Daddy has a very important job to do and we wanted you to be surrounded by family that we knew would visit you. It breaks my heart that I can't come out there more. But I know you aren't there and you are watching over us. The rest of the day was pretty uneventful we pretty much napped the rest of the day and then went out with some friends.
The next day we had another Thanksgiving. I actually held Norah. I wasn't avoiding holding her but I also wasn't trying to hold her either. It was pretty uneventful for the most part. I think everyone was sort of shocked that I held her. I felt like everyone was watching and holding their breath to see how I would react, if I would be okay with holding her. Sunday was also pretty uneventful, Daddy and I had pictures taken and then we headed back home. We gave Binx a bath and just did nothing.
Today was hard though. I feel all of this grief has come from out of nowhere. I still hurt but it seems like the last few days I cry a lot more often and then a mother saw your story on Faces of Loss. She sent me an e-mail and there were little details about what happened that are quite similar to her's story. I have feeling you met a new friend recently. I have a feeling that you make lots of friends.
I'm going to see another doctor on Thursday to see about making you a big brother. It's hard to think that your Daddy and I are talking about babies and trying for another. It's unreal. I can promise you that any brothers or sisters you have, they will know all about you 9 days you spent here on Earth with us. Those were 9 greatest and happiest days of my life. I loved and will continue to love being your Momma.
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
The first major holiday since you've left has come and gone. I thought I would be 'okay' up until the point when we crossed over into Oklahoma on our way home. After that it was all just downhill from there. Wednesday night we went to Papa Don's and Kimmy's and I cried most of the way there knowing your cousin was inside sleeping. And I sat there and cried for what seemed forever. We went out to see the new Muppet movie with your Uncle Matt and Aunt Kisha. The next day was just as bad. We got to your Papa Don's and Kimmy's before anyone else. I started tearing up almost immediately and wondered off to be by myself and I found where they put up your picture. I think I sat there and stared at it forever. Daddy finally came and found me and we walked and talked for a bit. We we came back I had a nice talk with Aunt Kisha and told her some of the things I was feeling. She was really understanding about it. I mean there is no handbook for situations like this.
Friday morning, we went and picked out your headstone. It's not what we orginally thought we would get for you. I wouldn't say I love it or think it's perfect because well it's your headstone. Not exactly what I thought I'd be shopping for this Black Friday at all. But I think it's nice. We went out and visited you after that was all done. You have some 'over zealous' neighbors. I was a little upset by the fact that I feel like they took some of your space. I really want your headstone up so we know it's your little piece of land. I think they put a few things on your grave. I don't know if they did to be nice or if they think no one visits you. But part of me just wants to to tell them we aren't bad parents but that your Daddy has a very important job to do and we wanted you to be surrounded by family that we knew would visit you. It breaks my heart that I can't come out there more. But I know you aren't there and you are watching over us. The rest of the day was pretty uneventful we pretty much napped the rest of the day and then went out with some friends.
The next day we had another Thanksgiving. I actually held Norah. I wasn't avoiding holding her but I also wasn't trying to hold her either. It was pretty uneventful for the most part. I think everyone was sort of shocked that I held her. I felt like everyone was watching and holding their breath to see how I would react, if I would be okay with holding her. Sunday was also pretty uneventful, Daddy and I had pictures taken and then we headed back home. We gave Binx a bath and just did nothing.
Today was hard though. I feel all of this grief has come from out of nowhere. I still hurt but it seems like the last few days I cry a lot more often and then a mother saw your story on Faces of Loss. She sent me an e-mail and there were little details about what happened that are quite similar to her's story. I have feeling you met a new friend recently. I have a feeling that you make lots of friends.
I'm going to see another doctor on Thursday to see about making you a big brother. It's hard to think that your Daddy and I are talking about babies and trying for another. It's unreal. I can promise you that any brothers or sisters you have, they will know all about you 9 days you spent here on Earth with us. Those were 9 greatest and happiest days of my life. I loved and will continue to love being your Momma.
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Thanksgiving...
Cooper,
We're going home for Thanksgiving in a few hours. Dad is still at work and I'm supposed to be doing laundry but I'm procrastinating. I ran to the post office this morning and brought Binx with me. He loves his car rides. I was almost home and I was thinking/imagining to myself what it would have been like to have him and you in the car. And then I thought well Binx for sure wouldn't have been in the car because he takes up too much space. And the it hit me, the reason why I was going to the post office: to send a check to pay for the shirts we had made for March for Babies and sending a little gift to another babyloss momma. It hit me, if I still had you I wouldn't be going to the post office today. Instead I'm be at home, probably packing everything you own because I wouldn't know what you would need and what you wouldn't need. Of course we'd have some of the stuff in Oklahoma. But it's stuck in my mind now. I feel like sometimes I'm living in this cruel parallel world, the one where you're not here and there's a second one where you survived or even a 3rd and 4th one where you didn't come early and the other where you didn't get sick. I personally would have chosen the 3rd or 4th but here I am stuck in the one where you're not here.
One day I hope to get out or move in the one where there are babies for me and your dad until then I'm stuck here without you.
love you,
Momma
We're going home for Thanksgiving in a few hours. Dad is still at work and I'm supposed to be doing laundry but I'm procrastinating. I ran to the post office this morning and brought Binx with me. He loves his car rides. I was almost home and I was thinking/imagining to myself what it would have been like to have him and you in the car. And then I thought well Binx for sure wouldn't have been in the car because he takes up too much space. And the it hit me, the reason why I was going to the post office: to send a check to pay for the shirts we had made for March for Babies and sending a little gift to another babyloss momma. It hit me, if I still had you I wouldn't be going to the post office today. Instead I'm be at home, probably packing everything you own because I wouldn't know what you would need and what you wouldn't need. Of course we'd have some of the stuff in Oklahoma. But it's stuck in my mind now. I feel like sometimes I'm living in this cruel parallel world, the one where you're not here and there's a second one where you survived or even a 3rd and 4th one where you didn't come early and the other where you didn't get sick. I personally would have chosen the 3rd or 4th but here I am stuck in the one where you're not here.
One day I hope to get out or move in the one where there are babies for me and your dad until then I'm stuck here without you.
love you,
Momma
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Lately...
Cooper,
Yesterday you would have 3 months old. Daddy and I spent it couch shopping. Strange I know but it at least it gave us something to occupy our minds. We didn't plan on buying a couch but we got one heck of a good deal on it. They already have black Friday deals out. That drive me CrAzY son. I hate when they bring out Christmas things before Thanksgiving. But then again, I'm not exactly looking forward to Christmas this year.
Maybe next year...
I've decided to redecorate the living room. Another thing to occupy my mind until we can think about adding to our family. Sooner rather than later of course. And it all hinges on what the High Risk doctor says, we go see her on Dec. 1. I've started pretty slowly. Just the couch and a piece of wall art to hang above it. It'll be pretty slow going but we want to make our house a home. Pretty tired of feeling like we're just a couple of college students.
We're going home next week for Thanksgiving. I'm sort of dreading it. Most people say it's the days leading up to holidays that are the worse than the day itself. I sure hope so. We're getting pictures made and I can't help but think you should be in them with us. I keep thinking one day but then I remember no, Cooper will never be in them with us, it'll be a brother or sister but not Cooper.
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
Yesterday you would have 3 months old. Daddy and I spent it couch shopping. Strange I know but it at least it gave us something to occupy our minds. We didn't plan on buying a couch but we got one heck of a good deal on it. They already have black Friday deals out. That drive me CrAzY son. I hate when they bring out Christmas things before Thanksgiving. But then again, I'm not exactly looking forward to Christmas this year.
Maybe next year...
I've decided to redecorate the living room. Another thing to occupy my mind until we can think about adding to our family. Sooner rather than later of course. And it all hinges on what the High Risk doctor says, we go see her on Dec. 1. I've started pretty slowly. Just the couch and a piece of wall art to hang above it. It'll be pretty slow going but we want to make our house a home. Pretty tired of feeling like we're just a couple of college students.
We're going home next week for Thanksgiving. I'm sort of dreading it. Most people say it's the days leading up to holidays that are the worse than the day itself. I sure hope so. We're getting pictures made and I can't help but think you should be in them with us. I keep thinking one day but then I remember no, Cooper will never be in them with us, it'll be a brother or sister but not Cooper.
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
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