Cooper,
Momma went to the doctor again today. Still trying to figure out why my BP spiked like that and you had to come early. Daddy didn't come with me this time. I waited in the room for a long time and doctor finally came in. I recognized her immediately. She was my doctor the day I had you. She was the one that said you had to come early. She was the doctor that cut me open and took you out of me 6 weeks early. In the middle of the chaos of your birth, I didn't remember her name. Then she told me what it was, Dr. Cooper. I tried to hold it together at that point but then she asked how you were doing. I realized she hadn't read my file at all. She didn't know that you aren't here any more. And that's when I lost it. I was upset that she didn't read my file or at least glance throught it just a little to bit to know I was being seen today. While we were waiting for Dr. O'Hara, she went over the results of my blood work I had done last month. It was all normal and everything looked good. She asked about the exercising I had started and I guess it's working, I've lost 8 lbs. since my last visit. But I was also really sick in December for a few weeks and didn't eat much. She left and I was left alone again to stew over what had just happened. Dr. O'Hara finally came in and said the same things....I'm 27, I shouldn't have high blood pressure like and they are looking for a reason why it's so high. Either I've just been blessed with genetics that give me a predispostion to high BP or it's from the 'stress'. Daddy thinks it's just the stress and it will go away eventually and I hoping that's the case. And even if that's the case, when we get pregnant again I'm sure it will come back and rear it's ugly head. But if it's chronic BP, another pregnancy will bring some other problems. No exercising, bedrest at some point, more doctor's visits, more tests that will need to be run, and more U/S, oh and different BP medication that I will have to switch to before we think about getting pregnant. Because the one I'm one right now itsn't safe to take during pregnancies. She wrote a referal to go back to base to see Cpt. B. She wants him to check out a few things and get the BP under control and check to see if it really is chronic or not.
But that wasn't even the icing on the cake. I asked her again why Dr. Stork would tell us it was okay for us to try again after 6-8 months but she would say 18-24. I'm not saying Daddy and I are going to run right out in 2-3 months and start trying again. But if we thought it was okay and everything with Daddy's job was finally figured out at least we could think about whether or not we could try again. But she explained why exactly it wouldn't be a really good idea to think about. The biggest concern would be the next baby wouldn't have everything to grow properly and then have a low birth weight. And many times babies with low birth weights have issues many of the same ones you had. Not neccessarily NEC, but problems but things like being born early, problems breathing, apnea, regulating body temperature, and juandice. We already realize with an increased risk of Pre-E again, we are running the risk of having another preemie. But if we were to have a full term baby with some of those problems, I'm sure that would send your brother or sister straight to the NICU. And then there's the obvious given that when babies don't grow properly in their mommy's bellyies there is an increased chance for death. And I can tell you this, IF (and I'm praying very HARD that we DON'T!) we lose a 3rd baby I will absolutely lose it. So we've come to the conclusion we will have to wait as long as possible. She did say we could revisit this in 9 months. And that would be around your 1st birthday....so I'm thinkng for your birthday we can think about adding to our family. That's my next day...okay just have to make it to Cooper's birthday.
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Molly Bears
Cooper,
Not long after you left us I found out about a wonderful organization called Molly Bears. The make bears for Mommas and Daddies whose arms feel empty after their babies leave too soon. That was my biggest fear after you passed away, that I wouldn't remember how you felt in my arms. And then I found their organization. These bears are special. They weigh as much as our babies did, as much as you did, all 4 lbs. 14 oz. They open up their waiting list once a month on the 30th just for the day. There is a great need for these bears right now, so the waiting list is quite long. It can take over a year to get your bear. I put my name, well I guess your name in a way, on the list about a month after you died. #1404 They are still working on the the bears in the 500 right now so I'm sure it will be some time before I can hold my bear. Sometimes they do drawings to get your bear early or if you donate a certain amount they will make your bear first. We don't have a cash tree growing so we havn't been able to donate yet. Most of our extra money has been going to your headstone. Since that would be one of the things we would buy for you we wanted it to be perfect and didn't exactly look at what it all cost until afterwards. It didn't matter to us. We want you headstone to be put out as soon as possible so we've been paying extra to that bill. Got a little sidetracked there...
Anyways, for Christmas Papa Don and Kimmy gave me a sewing machine for Christmas. At first all I could think was "What the hell am I supposed to do with this???" And then a few days later it occurred to me. A couple of months back, they were looking for people to help with bows and inserts and other things for the bears. I remembered that it took a sewing machine to make the inserts and there I had it...I'm going to help make the inserts for Molly Bears. :) I got the pattern in an e-mail today. And Daddy and I are going home again in few weeks for Aunt Kisha's birthday and Nana is going to help me figure out how to set up my sewing machine and teach me how to use it. But the BEST PART you might ask???? They said after I turn in 60 sets, they will pick my bear and make it for me! I will be getting Cooper Bear a lot earlier than I expected! They'd like me to turn in 30 inserts a month so I'm hoping it will only take me 2 months to get my Cooper Bear...hopefully the bear will be here after your 6 month birthday/angelversary. But until then I've got lots of inserts to make and your shadow box to work on.
Daddy got me a beautiful shadow box to put some of your things in. I can't wait to finish it and hang it up. I've been redecorating the house. Well I guess decorating this house. I'm sure it drives your daddy bonkers but he knows that it takes my mind off of things (even though you are really never far from my mind) and he knows it makes me 'happy'. I'm sure our bank account isn't very happy about it though. That was one of my favorite things to do with your Daddy when I was pregnant. We spent about a month this summer just getting the house ready for you. We picked a room each weekend and clean and then shop. I remember trying to put together a bookcase. Daddy asked me sit in the middle and screw something in because my fingers are smaller than his. I tried to get as close to the floor but my belly kept getting in the way. You didn't care too much for it, you kept kicking me in the gut. It took us about 3 hours to put it together and it was pretty crappy but we finally got it built. I remember Daddy trying to help me get off the ground. He thought it was hysterical, he kept calling me a beached whale. You would have loved him.
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
Not long after you left us I found out about a wonderful organization called Molly Bears. The make bears for Mommas and Daddies whose arms feel empty after their babies leave too soon. That was my biggest fear after you passed away, that I wouldn't remember how you felt in my arms. And then I found their organization. These bears are special. They weigh as much as our babies did, as much as you did, all 4 lbs. 14 oz. They open up their waiting list once a month on the 30th just for the day. There is a great need for these bears right now, so the waiting list is quite long. It can take over a year to get your bear. I put my name, well I guess your name in a way, on the list about a month after you died. #1404 They are still working on the the bears in the 500 right now so I'm sure it will be some time before I can hold my bear. Sometimes they do drawings to get your bear early or if you donate a certain amount they will make your bear first. We don't have a cash tree growing so we havn't been able to donate yet. Most of our extra money has been going to your headstone. Since that would be one of the things we would buy for you we wanted it to be perfect and didn't exactly look at what it all cost until afterwards. It didn't matter to us. We want you headstone to be put out as soon as possible so we've been paying extra to that bill. Got a little sidetracked there...
Anyways, for Christmas Papa Don and Kimmy gave me a sewing machine for Christmas. At first all I could think was "What the hell am I supposed to do with this???" And then a few days later it occurred to me. A couple of months back, they were looking for people to help with bows and inserts and other things for the bears. I remembered that it took a sewing machine to make the inserts and there I had it...I'm going to help make the inserts for Molly Bears. :) I got the pattern in an e-mail today. And Daddy and I are going home again in few weeks for Aunt Kisha's birthday and Nana is going to help me figure out how to set up my sewing machine and teach me how to use it. But the BEST PART you might ask???? They said after I turn in 60 sets, they will pick my bear and make it for me! I will be getting Cooper Bear a lot earlier than I expected! They'd like me to turn in 30 inserts a month so I'm hoping it will only take me 2 months to get my Cooper Bear...hopefully the bear will be here after your 6 month birthday/angelversary. But until then I've got lots of inserts to make and your shadow box to work on.
Daddy got me a beautiful shadow box to put some of your things in. I can't wait to finish it and hang it up. I've been redecorating the house. Well I guess decorating this house. I'm sure it drives your daddy bonkers but he knows that it takes my mind off of things (even though you are really never far from my mind) and he knows it makes me 'happy'. I'm sure our bank account isn't very happy about it though. That was one of my favorite things to do with your Daddy when I was pregnant. We spent about a month this summer just getting the house ready for you. We picked a room each weekend and clean and then shop. I remember trying to put together a bookcase. Daddy asked me sit in the middle and screw something in because my fingers are smaller than his. I tried to get as close to the floor but my belly kept getting in the way. You didn't care too much for it, you kept kicking me in the gut. It took us about 3 hours to put it together and it was pretty crappy but we finally got it built. I remember Daddy trying to help me get off the ground. He thought it was hysterical, he kept calling me a beached whale. You would have loved him.
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
Sunday, January 1, 2012
A year ago,
Cooper,
I can't believe it's been a year...a year ago since we got pregnant with you. Baby, you were a New' Year's baby. Daddy and I decided at Thanksgiving we were ready to go from 2 to 3 Salas in our house. We found out in January we were pregnant with you and we did the math later on and figured out we got pregnant with you on New Years Eve. It's not exactly something you'd ever want to tell your child but here I am telling you. We went to the Pylants and played games. Kristin and I shared a bottle of some yummy wine, your Daddy and Randall drank lord knows what. But we drank and played games and then walked home. I even remember there being a comment at some point of someone saying that hopefully there'd be 3 of us this year. If we only knew....
Last night was rough. We went out with Uncle Matt and Aunt Kisha. It was a good idea in the beginning but it just got to be too much after a while. Someone asked me about my necklace (which Norah loves to play with :) ) and I lost it. Aunt Kisha and I went inside and I just cried. Not everyone there knew what happened and they just assumed Daddy and I were fighting. I didn't really want to explain to them why I was crying. I just let it go and cried. I feel like 2011 was my last connection to you. Last year, we said hello and good bye to you. I have bigger hopes for 2012 that we can try again and *hopefully* this time next year your little brother or sister will finally be on their way.
We got home tonight and Binx was so excited. He followed me everywhere. I think he's exhausted now. He's just laying in the middle of the floor with his toys. And just raises his head from the floor to check out where we are going instead of following us. Amanda called a short time after we left. She's my BFF from high school. We have the sort of relationship we don't get to talk all the time but when we do, we pick up right where we left off at. Her dad died exactly a week before you did. You would have loved him. I'm sure you've met him by now and if you haven't you really need to find him. I'm sure he'd tell you stories about Amanda and I from middle school and high school, if he hasn't already. Tell him Jaunita sent you :). Oh, and find Granny Payne, I think your Kimmy is missing her a lot right now. I think you've found most of our relatives by now and I'm sure they are all fighting over whose turn it is to hold you. At least this what Daddy and I think about at night. People fighting over you.
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
I can't believe it's been a year...a year ago since we got pregnant with you. Baby, you were a New' Year's baby. Daddy and I decided at Thanksgiving we were ready to go from 2 to 3 Salas in our house. We found out in January we were pregnant with you and we did the math later on and figured out we got pregnant with you on New Years Eve. It's not exactly something you'd ever want to tell your child but here I am telling you. We went to the Pylants and played games. Kristin and I shared a bottle of some yummy wine, your Daddy and Randall drank lord knows what. But we drank and played games and then walked home. I even remember there being a comment at some point of someone saying that hopefully there'd be 3 of us this year. If we only knew....
Last night was rough. We went out with Uncle Matt and Aunt Kisha. It was a good idea in the beginning but it just got to be too much after a while. Someone asked me about my necklace (which Norah loves to play with :) ) and I lost it. Aunt Kisha and I went inside and I just cried. Not everyone there knew what happened and they just assumed Daddy and I were fighting. I didn't really want to explain to them why I was crying. I just let it go and cried. I feel like 2011 was my last connection to you. Last year, we said hello and good bye to you. I have bigger hopes for 2012 that we can try again and *hopefully* this time next year your little brother or sister will finally be on their way.
We got home tonight and Binx was so excited. He followed me everywhere. I think he's exhausted now. He's just laying in the middle of the floor with his toys. And just raises his head from the floor to check out where we are going instead of following us. Amanda called a short time after we left. She's my BFF from high school. We have the sort of relationship we don't get to talk all the time but when we do, we pick up right where we left off at. Her dad died exactly a week before you did. You would have loved him. I'm sure you've met him by now and if you haven't you really need to find him. I'm sure he'd tell you stories about Amanda and I from middle school and high school, if he hasn't already. Tell him Jaunita sent you :). Oh, and find Granny Payne, I think your Kimmy is missing her a lot right now. I think you've found most of our relatives by now and I'm sure they are all fighting over whose turn it is to hold you. At least this what Daddy and I think about at night. People fighting over you.
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
Friday, December 23, 2011
Christmas Eve
Cooper,
I never thought we would ever get here. This is the one day I've been dreading since you've been gone. We've had to grieve about the loss of you and also the dreams we've had for you. Not a day goes by that I don't think about something we should have been doing with you. We SHOULD be at home in Oklahoma with family and friends. We SHOULD have taken you to see your very first Christmas lights. We SHOULD have taken you to see Santa with Norah. We SHOULD have picked out your 1st Christmas ornament as a family. We SHOULD have taken a picture of you and Binx by the tree. We SHOULD have gone Christmas shopping for you. We SHOULD have picked out the sweetest Christmas pajamas for you. We SHOULD be taking you to your Mimi's Christmas Eve party and everyone SHOULD be fighting to hold you. We SHOULD be happy. Instead, we avoid everyone and are still in Kansas, planning to leave as late as possible. Instead, we won't go see Christmas lights this year. Instead, I rushed past the long line of kids waiting to see Santa, hoping no one would see my tears. Instead, I picked out a memory ornament for you. Instead, it was just Binx by the tree. Instead, we bought a Christmas Swag to lay on your grave. Instead, I picked out pajamas for Norah with monkeys from you. Instead, I'm plotting on how I can get through that party with a little help from my good friend wine. Instead, I'm trying to hide the tears and appear to be strong.
At Thanksgiving, when we went home, it was like you have never happened. No one asked how we were doing except for family. I want so badly for them to ask how we are doing. I want them to know that almost 4 months later we are still devastated by the loss of you, our sweet boy.
I do not know what I'm supposed to do. I'm happy you don't hurt any more and that you won't ever have to hurt. But I don't know how to make this better for me or your daddy. I'm sobbing so hard right now, I don't think I've cried this hard in a long time. My chest hurts so much. My heart is breaking...
love you to the moon and back,
Cooper
I never thought we would ever get here. This is the one day I've been dreading since you've been gone. We've had to grieve about the loss of you and also the dreams we've had for you. Not a day goes by that I don't think about something we should have been doing with you. We SHOULD be at home in Oklahoma with family and friends. We SHOULD have taken you to see your very first Christmas lights. We SHOULD have taken you to see Santa with Norah. We SHOULD have picked out your 1st Christmas ornament as a family. We SHOULD have taken a picture of you and Binx by the tree. We SHOULD have gone Christmas shopping for you. We SHOULD have picked out the sweetest Christmas pajamas for you. We SHOULD be taking you to your Mimi's Christmas Eve party and everyone SHOULD be fighting to hold you. We SHOULD be happy. Instead, we avoid everyone and are still in Kansas, planning to leave as late as possible. Instead, we won't go see Christmas lights this year. Instead, I rushed past the long line of kids waiting to see Santa, hoping no one would see my tears. Instead, I picked out a memory ornament for you. Instead, it was just Binx by the tree. Instead, we bought a Christmas Swag to lay on your grave. Instead, I picked out pajamas for Norah with monkeys from you. Instead, I'm plotting on how I can get through that party with a little help from my good friend wine. Instead, I'm trying to hide the tears and appear to be strong.
At Thanksgiving, when we went home, it was like you have never happened. No one asked how we were doing except for family. I want so badly for them to ask how we are doing. I want them to know that almost 4 months later we are still devastated by the loss of you, our sweet boy.
I do not know what I'm supposed to do. I'm happy you don't hurt any more and that you won't ever have to hurt. But I don't know how to make this better for me or your daddy. I'm sobbing so hard right now, I don't think I've cried this hard in a long time. My chest hurts so much. My heart is breaking...
love you to the moon and back,
Cooper
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Dear Santa,
Dear Santa,
I'm writing this letter from me to you. I hope you don't think I'm asking to much of you. You visit us every year and leave us such wonderful things, but I'm wondering do you visit all the children who have wings? I know your so very busy, so much to do in one night, but could you please make an extra trip to the stars that shine so bright? You see my baby lives up there, just to perfect for life on Earth, please leave them a gift and put a stocking on their cloud, filled with precious presents from their family on the ground. Please stroke their sleepy head and tell my baby I miss them so, that my heart aches with sadness and tears just seems to flow. If you could do this for me Santa I may even be able to smile, even if it is just for a little while. So thank you very much Santa for all that you do, after all it is Christmas in Heaven too.
~ Author Unknown
Cooper,
Well I know I shouldn't have done it but I did. I put of all the Christmas shopping until the last minute. Today is exactly 1 week until Christmas. It was extremely busy every where I went. I used to be patient and things didn't bother me but not as much since you've been gone. My patience was short this afternoon. Best Buy is run by some stupid people. I will avoid that place for a very long time.
I finally went in to Toys R Us. I went shopping for Norah there. I tried to avoid the little boys section but it was pretty much unavoidable. I love see monkeys because it reminds me so much of you. But today I swear they were everywhere and it was just too upsetting to see. I all but lost it. As I'm sure it would be very odd to see someone standing in the middle of the store clutching monkey socks and bawling their eyes out. I picked something out for you to 'give' to Norah and Daddy. I'm sure they will love them. I also picked out a special something for you as well. We'll bring it out to you on Christmas Day.
Your daddy is finally home! I'm so excited he is finally back home with me. I gave him one of his Christmas presents early today. And I'm pretty sure he's enjoying it a little too much. I bought him a new keyboard that's made especially for playing computer games with Vent. He's such a little kid, he had to hook it up right away. I know how much he was looking forward to introducing you to his video games. I'm sure if you were around he'd have you sitting on his lap playing them now. You used to kick me when I played mine this summer. I know you would have loved them just as much as we do.
love you my little monkey,
Momma
I'm writing this letter from me to you. I hope you don't think I'm asking to much of you. You visit us every year and leave us such wonderful things, but I'm wondering do you visit all the children who have wings? I know your so very busy, so much to do in one night, but could you please make an extra trip to the stars that shine so bright? You see my baby lives up there, just to perfect for life on Earth, please leave them a gift and put a stocking on their cloud, filled with precious presents from their family on the ground. Please stroke their sleepy head and tell my baby I miss them so, that my heart aches with sadness and tears just seems to flow. If you could do this for me Santa I may even be able to smile, even if it is just for a little while. So thank you very much Santa for all that you do, after all it is Christmas in Heaven too.
~ Author Unknown
Cooper,
Well I know I shouldn't have done it but I did. I put of all the Christmas shopping until the last minute. Today is exactly 1 week until Christmas. It was extremely busy every where I went. I used to be patient and things didn't bother me but not as much since you've been gone. My patience was short this afternoon. Best Buy is run by some stupid people. I will avoid that place for a very long time.
I finally went in to Toys R Us. I went shopping for Norah there. I tried to avoid the little boys section but it was pretty much unavoidable. I love see monkeys because it reminds me so much of you. But today I swear they were everywhere and it was just too upsetting to see. I all but lost it. As I'm sure it would be very odd to see someone standing in the middle of the store clutching monkey socks and bawling their eyes out. I picked something out for you to 'give' to Norah and Daddy. I'm sure they will love them. I also picked out a special something for you as well. We'll bring it out to you on Christmas Day.
Your daddy is finally home! I'm so excited he is finally back home with me. I gave him one of his Christmas presents early today. And I'm pretty sure he's enjoying it a little too much. I bought him a new keyboard that's made especially for playing computer games with Vent. He's such a little kid, he had to hook it up right away. I know how much he was looking forward to introducing you to his video games. I'm sure if you were around he'd have you sitting on his lap playing them now. You used to kick me when I played mine this summer. I know you would have loved them just as much as we do.
love you my little monkey,
Momma
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Then and Now
Cooper,
I went back and read some of the entries I made about a month after you were born. I can't believe I've come this far. I didn't think I'd be standing but here I am. I'm breathing AND standing!
My days are starting to get better. I'm beginning slowly to see that there is a light at the end of this tunnel. But I was talking with my therapist today that I don't really think I'll ever come back from this. I'll recover but I won't be the same me. Having you and watching you pass away has completely changed me. I think about everything completely differently now. Daddy says I'm much more matter of fact and get straight to the point. I don't let people run me over. Who would have thought you would do that to me? I'm too much of people pleaser and really want people to like me. Now I really don't care, this is me. I've lost my son. You're either in my life or not.
I'm beginning to even want to go out and do things. Daddy and I are actually thinking about taking a trip together for my Spring Break? Do you know the last time we took a trip. That would be never. We never got our honeymoon. And we thought for sure that we wouldn't be able to go anywhere until he got out. I think we are starting to live in the moment and cherish each other even more. I'm not sure where we will go or if we will even go but it's having something to think about and look forward too.
love you Monkey,
Momma
I went back and read some of the entries I made about a month after you were born. I can't believe I've come this far. I didn't think I'd be standing but here I am. I'm breathing AND standing!
My days are starting to get better. I'm beginning slowly to see that there is a light at the end of this tunnel. But I was talking with my therapist today that I don't really think I'll ever come back from this. I'll recover but I won't be the same me. Having you and watching you pass away has completely changed me. I think about everything completely differently now. Daddy says I'm much more matter of fact and get straight to the point. I don't let people run me over. Who would have thought you would do that to me? I'm too much of people pleaser and really want people to like me. Now I really don't care, this is me. I've lost my son. You're either in my life or not.
I'm beginning to even want to go out and do things. Daddy and I are actually thinking about taking a trip together for my Spring Break? Do you know the last time we took a trip. That would be never. We never got our honeymoon. And we thought for sure that we wouldn't be able to go anywhere until he got out. I think we are starting to live in the moment and cherish each other even more. I'm not sure where we will go or if we will even go but it's having something to think about and look forward too.
love you Monkey,
Momma
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Since he's been gone,
Cooper,
You daddy's gone for the first time since you've been gone. I've been surprised with myself. I didn't cry when I dropped him off or for the rest of the day. I havn't cried about him being gone at all. I've only cried for you. I remember the last time he left was just a few weeks after we found out we were expecting you. I cried for days not having him there with me, with us. I also remember picking him up at the airport thinking that one day it would be the two of us going to pick him. I couldn't wait. I guess in way you still go with me to drop him off and pick him. And you even get to go with him. If you're there with him now I hope you are enjoying yourself.
While he's been gone, I've just kept to myself. I know your daddy would want me to get out and see friends but I just don't want to. I went to Kristin's last night and I suppose I'll go over there again tonight but I'd rather be by myself.
We put of the tree before we left. I was really looking forward to starting family traditions with you here. Daddy and I talk about what we'll do when your siblings are finally here. I like to think about it. I went out to try and find the perfect ornament for you. It's part of our new tradition. An ornament for each of kids every year. You might not be here with us but you will get your own ornament every year. I couldn't find the right one so I've decided I'm going to make it. Mimi gave us an ornament holder last year and I think I'll put your ornament for that year on it. You doctor from Wesley also sent us an ornament. It has your name and birthday and Angelversary on it. I put it right on top next to Baby Sala's ornament we got last year. I've been forcing myself to do Christmassy things this year. Listening to music, finding the right gifts, going to parties, etc. I wish you dad was here... Hopefully he'll be back before Christmas.
love you sweet boy,
Momma
You daddy's gone for the first time since you've been gone. I've been surprised with myself. I didn't cry when I dropped him off or for the rest of the day. I havn't cried about him being gone at all. I've only cried for you. I remember the last time he left was just a few weeks after we found out we were expecting you. I cried for days not having him there with me, with us. I also remember picking him up at the airport thinking that one day it would be the two of us going to pick him. I couldn't wait. I guess in way you still go with me to drop him off and pick him. And you even get to go with him. If you're there with him now I hope you are enjoying yourself.
While he's been gone, I've just kept to myself. I know your daddy would want me to get out and see friends but I just don't want to. I went to Kristin's last night and I suppose I'll go over there again tonight but I'd rather be by myself.
We put of the tree before we left. I was really looking forward to starting family traditions with you here. Daddy and I talk about what we'll do when your siblings are finally here. I like to think about it. I went out to try and find the perfect ornament for you. It's part of our new tradition. An ornament for each of kids every year. You might not be here with us but you will get your own ornament every year. I couldn't find the right one so I've decided I'm going to make it. Mimi gave us an ornament holder last year and I think I'll put your ornament for that year on it. You doctor from Wesley also sent us an ornament. It has your name and birthday and Angelversary on it. I put it right on top next to Baby Sala's ornament we got last year. I've been forcing myself to do Christmassy things this year. Listening to music, finding the right gifts, going to parties, etc. I wish you dad was here... Hopefully he'll be back before Christmas.
love you sweet boy,
Momma
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