Answers

Cooper,

Momma went to the doctor again today.  Still trying to figure out why my BP spiked like that and you had to come early.  Daddy didn't come with me this time.  I waited in the room for a long time and doctor finally came in.  I recognized her immediately.  She was my doctor the day I had you.  She was the one that said you had to come early.  She was the doctor that cut me open and took you out of me 6 weeks early.  In the middle of the chaos of your birth, I didn't remember her name.  Then she told me what it was, Dr. Cooper.  I tried to hold it together at that point but then she asked how you were doing.  I realized she hadn't read my file at all.  She didn't know that you aren't here any more.  And that's when I lost it.  I was upset that she didn't read my file or at least glance throught it just a little to bit to know I was being seen today.  While we were waiting for Dr. O'Hara, she went over the results of my blood work I had done last month.  It was all normal and everything looked good.   She asked about the exercising I had started and I guess it's working, I've lost 8 lbs. since my last visit.  But I was also really sick in December for a few weeks and didn't eat much.  She left and I was left alone again to stew over what had just happened.  Dr. O'Hara finally came in and said the same things....I'm 27, I shouldn't have high blood pressure like and they are looking for a reason why it's so high.  Either I've just been blessed with genetics that give me a predispostion to high BP or it's from the 'stress'.  Daddy thinks it's just the stress and it will go away eventually and I hoping that's the case.  And even if that's the case, when we get pregnant again I'm sure it will come back and rear it's ugly head.  But if it's chronic BP, another pregnancy will bring some other problems.  No exercising, bedrest at some point, more doctor's visits, more tests that will need to be run, and more U/S, oh and different BP medication that I will have to switch to before we think about getting pregnant.  Because the one I'm one right now itsn't safe to take during pregnancies.  She wrote a referal to go back to base to see Cpt. B. She wants him to check out a few things and get the BP under control and check to see if it really is chronic or not.
But that wasn't even the icing on the cake.  I asked her again why Dr. Stork would tell us it was okay for us to try again after 6-8 months but she would say 18-24.  I'm not saying Daddy and I are going to run right out in 2-3 months and start trying again.  But if we thought it was okay and everything with Daddy's job was finally figured out at least we could think about whether or not we could try again.  But she explained why exactly it wouldn't be a really good idea to think about.  The biggest concern would be the next baby wouldn't have everything to grow properly and then have a low birth weight.  And many times babies with low birth weights have issues many of the same ones you had.  Not neccessarily NEC, but problems but things like being born early, problems breathing, apnea, regulating body temperature, and juandice.  We already realize with an increased risk of Pre-E again, we are running the risk of having another preemie. But if we were to have a full term baby with some of those problems, I'm sure that would send your brother or sister straight to the NICU.  And then there's the obvious given that when babies don't grow properly in their mommy's bellyies there is an increased chance for death.  And I can tell you this, IF (and I'm praying very HARD that we DON'T!) we lose a 3rd baby I will absolutely lose it.   So we've come to the conclusion we will have to wait as long as possible.  She did say we could revisit this in 9 months.  And that would be around your 1st birthday....so I'm thinkng for your birthday we can think about adding to our family.  That's my next day...okay just have to make it to Cooper's birthday.

love you to the moon and back,
Momma