August 15, 2011

Cooper,

Today has just been weird.  I woke up feeling sick so I didn't go to church.  I had a dream I was pregnant again.  I just remember I wasn't sick to my stomach like I was with you and all I could think about was that I was losing that baby.  I remember one day I was super sick with your older sibling (I really think it was a boy though)  and then the next I wasn't, there were already signs I was losing that baby but I think that was really the day I must of lost your brother.  I can't help but think everytime my stomach turns that I must be pregnant and we all know there isn't a chance in hell that it's possible.  I can't help but think about it.  Daddy and I have not accomplished anything today but I just feel exhausted.  We went to the movies today and I sat down in the theater and immediately feel sleepy.  I thought for sure I was going to fall asleep but I didn't.  Then we went out to eat and about half through our meal I started to feel feel tired again.  All I could thinking about was getting him and sleeping.  I ate very little at dinner and came home and passed out on the couch for several hours.  I can feel myself slipping into on 'those' moods.  Sometimes I can feel myself slipping into them and sometimes they come from out of nowhere.  We are getting closer to the 19th of the month and I'm sure that's whats happening.

Also today is the due date for a friend of mine I've made since you've been gone.  She and her husband lost their son, Marcellus, to NEC.  He's been gone for 2 months now.  I think if you both had survived and had met here on Earth you would have been friends.  There are different ways that he reminds me of you.  So maybe up in Heaven you really are friends or friends with the children of some of my other BLM.

August 15, 2011 - 34 weeks, 1 day
I think this started the third week of finally being back to work.  It was our first day of everyone being at St. Marks and reviewing everything.  I had been assigned to the IMIL committee and we had to IMIL activities between everything.  I was very swollen by this point. I think the swelling was going down at night but I would be painfully swollen again withing about an hour of being up and moving around.  At some point during the day, I ran into one of our site nurses, Diane.  She took one look at me and told me I needed to call my doctor right away.  I told Janice, my boss, and stepped away.  They didn't answer so I left a message and they should have called me back.  I sat there with my phone willing them to call me back.  We went on a break while I was waiting and people would stop by and noticed how miserable I was.  I finally got feed up for having to wait and called them back myself.  When I called them back, I was able to talk to a nurse and she asked if I could go into a pharmacy or into their office and have my BP taken.  I happened to be just down the street from my doctor's office. So I told them I would just come there. I drove there and they took me back. I think I was still pretty calm by that point.  Someone had taught me how to take relaxing breaths.  I started those, not thinking anything was wrong, and I was really surprised when my BP was really high.  I think the top number was around 150 and the bottom number was close to 90.  Much, much to high.  Dr. Stork came in and wanted to schedule an U/S to see how you were growing and another 24-urine test, I'd already done 2 by then and was a pro at it.  But they are disgusting.   I don't think I realized even then how scary things were. I do remember calling Daddy at work trying to figure out a good time for him to go do the U/S the next day.  I made a post on Facebook about everything and that you needed to stay inside because you weren't done cooking yet.  I never imagined in a week you would be here. I went home and I think Daddy ot off work early as well.  I called Janice back and told her I what had happened and that when I knew what was happening I would call and let her know.  They told me I needed to take it easy and stay of my feet as much as possible.  Daddy was wonderful. He would get so angry if he saw that I was getting up and moving around.  I'm not exactly the most motivated person out there to do things but I remember I suddenly felt the need to do all the lanudry in the house.  And in our old house the washer and dryer were in the basement.  Daddy was also pretty firm in the fact that I needed to pack a hospital bag. I kept telling him I would do it later, we still had time.  You see, me, your momma, I am the Queen of Procrastinating.  Why do something today, when I can do it later???  I kept telling him I'd do it later.  At some point thar evening, Daddy tore himself away from his computer and came out and put the pack'n'play and your stroller together.  Then he pulled out your car seat and went and installed the base in my car. I kept telling him we didn't need any of that done yet, we still had time!! Haha, boy was I wrong.  I think with the next pregnancy I will have our bags a lot earlier than that.  I don't think I'll ever put it off again.

love you to the moon and back again,
Momma