Cooper,
Saturday marked 5 months since you have left us. It seemed like each month had gotten just a little bit easier and then this 28th I spent most of the day on the couch in tears. I was a complete grouch, even to your daddy. He didn't do anything. I kind of fell of the train explaining your story. I'll try to catch up in Februrary where I left off at. Sometimes telling your story, doing something in your memory or explaining about NEC is healing and sometimes it backfires and makes the situation worse. I find my entries are more random than anything else. A lot of times on my way home from work I'll think about what I want to blog about that night and start 'writing' in my head and then by the time I'm home, finished dinner, and cleaned a bit, I'm exhausted and don't want to do much of anything else. And honestly, grieving is just exhausting.
One of the things I was really looking forward to was telling you all about Daddy & I. Daddy says you wouldn't have been interested because you're a boy and boys aren't into those things. But you were half mine and I know you would have listened to your momma anyways. I've decided to spend a couple of posts talking about Daddy & I and how we met, dated, and got married. Because that sweet boy is also a part of your history.
Daddy and I met the summer after he graduated from high school. I was working for Quik Trip (by the way you would have loved them one day and turned into a gas snob yourself) for about 2 years. I was hired my senior year of high school in 2004, right before I graduated. And Daddy was hired about two years later his senior year. Yes, that means I'm older than Daddy...shhh. I had just gotten back from Europe with Papa. We had a great time, we had spent 2 weeks visiting Spain and France! Daddy had just gotten from from a trip to Padre Islands with Papa Don, Kimmy and Uncle Matty. He was coming in to get his paycheck and find out hi schedule. I didn't know that we even had a new clerk. I was at the cash register and in walks your Daddy into the checkstand like he owned the place. I was pretty unimpressed with him with the way he acted that night. Although, I did think he was pretty cute. Daddy got his schedule figured out and much to our suprise we had at least a one shift every week together. It was generaly Wednesdays that summer. I loved those shifts after I got to know your daddy a bit more. After a few weeks, Daddy asked me to come to a BBQ at his house but I couldn't because Nana, Papa and I had to drive to Washington to pick up Nana's car. Nana, Uncle Nathan, and Aunt Bethany had been in Seattle visiting Aunt Amber and yours cousins Aliex and Aaron while Papa and I were in Europe. While they were there Uncle Nathan was driving and wreck Nana's car. They had to leave it there to be repaired and were driving back to get it. It was a pretty quick trip there and back. Daddy didn't believe me at first. He thought I was just blowing him off. But he came around and invited me to his next BBQ. When I was leaving that night, Daddy walked me to my car and we ended up talking for almost 2 hours, it felt like 2 minutes. I'm pretty sure that's when I knew how much I liked your daddy. We spent the rest of the summer flirting back and forth but nothing more. At the end of summer, Daddy had to have knee surgery and left. I knew I wouldn't being seeing him as much any more and just assumed nothing would ever come of it, even though I had a pretty big crush on him. The only times I saw Daddy were on Sunday shifts. Daddy only admitted later, he would always come in 'early' and I admitted I'd always find a reason to stay late. Daddy always ended up finding a reason to do trash and I'd have to get gas before going back to school, so we always ended up talking for a bit when Daddy got the trash from my gas pump. I came back to work around Thanksgiving Break. I had a formal coming up for my sorority. Daddy and I feel back into our normal routine. Daddy always tried to find ways to make me laugh or embarass me. And I just played right into it. That entire shift I kept trying to summen the courage to ask him to go with me. I can't remember exactly what I said but it was some lousy excuse on why my 'date' had dumped me and couldn't go with me anymore. Daddy said later on he saw right through it and he said he'd go with me. The weekend of the formal finally rolled around. The week we had a snowstorm and school had been closed down for a few days. I was so worried that he wasn't going to come anymore. The school I went to was about 2 1/2 hours away from Tulsa. But Daddy came anyways. Daddy admitted later, that it was somewhere along this drive there that he realized how much he liked me. Because who in their right mind would drive 180 miles in a snowstorm to go to some silly little formal??? Daddy ended up staying the night and most of the next day. And ever since then we've been pretty inseperable, with the exception of a few times, but that's another night of blogging.
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
Monday, January 30, 2012
Sunday, January 15, 2012
August 15, 2011
Cooper,
Today has just been weird. I woke up feeling sick so I didn't go to church. I had a dream I was pregnant again. I just remember I wasn't sick to my stomach like I was with you and all I could think about was that I was losing that baby. I remember one day I was super sick with your older sibling (I really think it was a boy though) and then the next I wasn't, there were already signs I was losing that baby but I think that was really the day I must of lost your brother. I can't help but think everytime my stomach turns that I must be pregnant and we all know there isn't a chance in hell that it's possible. I can't help but think about it. Daddy and I have not accomplished anything today but I just feel exhausted. We went to the movies today and I sat down in the theater and immediately feel sleepy. I thought for sure I was going to fall asleep but I didn't. Then we went out to eat and about half through our meal I started to feel feel tired again. All I could thinking about was getting him and sleeping. I ate very little at dinner and came home and passed out on the couch for several hours. I can feel myself slipping into on 'those' moods. Sometimes I can feel myself slipping into them and sometimes they come from out of nowhere. We are getting closer to the 19th of the month and I'm sure that's whats happening.
Also today is the due date for a friend of mine I've made since you've been gone. She and her husband lost their son, Marcellus, to NEC. He's been gone for 2 months now. I think if you both had survived and had met here on Earth you would have been friends. There are different ways that he reminds me of you. So maybe up in Heaven you really are friends or friends with the children of some of my other BLM.
August 15, 2011 - 34 weeks, 1 day
I think this started the third week of finally being back to work. It was our first day of everyone being at St. Marks and reviewing everything. I had been assigned to the IMIL committee and we had to IMIL activities between everything. I was very swollen by this point. I think the swelling was going down at night but I would be painfully swollen again withing about an hour of being up and moving around. At some point during the day, I ran into one of our site nurses, Diane. She took one look at me and told me I needed to call my doctor right away. I told Janice, my boss, and stepped away. They didn't answer so I left a message and they should have called me back. I sat there with my phone willing them to call me back. We went on a break while I was waiting and people would stop by and noticed how miserable I was. I finally got feed up for having to wait and called them back myself. When I called them back, I was able to talk to a nurse and she asked if I could go into a pharmacy or into their office and have my BP taken. I happened to be just down the street from my doctor's office. So I told them I would just come there. I drove there and they took me back. I think I was still pretty calm by that point. Someone had taught me how to take relaxing breaths. I started those, not thinking anything was wrong, and I was really surprised when my BP was really high. I think the top number was around 150 and the bottom number was close to 90. Much, much to high. Dr. Stork came in and wanted to schedule an U/S to see how you were growing and another 24-urine test, I'd already done 2 by then and was a pro at it. But they are disgusting. I don't think I realized even then how scary things were. I do remember calling Daddy at work trying to figure out a good time for him to go do the U/S the next day. I made a post on Facebook about everything and that you needed to stay inside because you weren't done cooking yet. I never imagined in a week you would be here. I went home and I think Daddy ot off work early as well. I called Janice back and told her I what had happened and that when I knew what was happening I would call and let her know. They told me I needed to take it easy and stay of my feet as much as possible. Daddy was wonderful. He would get so angry if he saw that I was getting up and moving around. I'm not exactly the most motivated person out there to do things but I remember I suddenly felt the need to do all the lanudry in the house. And in our old house the washer and dryer were in the basement. Daddy was also pretty firm in the fact that I needed to pack a hospital bag. I kept telling him I would do it later, we still had time. You see, me, your momma, I am the Queen of Procrastinating. Why do something today, when I can do it later??? I kept telling him I'd do it later. At some point thar evening, Daddy tore himself away from his computer and came out and put the pack'n'play and your stroller together. Then he pulled out your car seat and went and installed the base in my car. I kept telling him we didn't need any of that done yet, we still had time!! Haha, boy was I wrong. I think with the next pregnancy I will have our bags a lot earlier than that. I don't think I'll ever put it off again.
love you to the moon and back again,
Momma
Today has just been weird. I woke up feeling sick so I didn't go to church. I had a dream I was pregnant again. I just remember I wasn't sick to my stomach like I was with you and all I could think about was that I was losing that baby. I remember one day I was super sick with your older sibling (I really think it was a boy though) and then the next I wasn't, there were already signs I was losing that baby but I think that was really the day I must of lost your brother. I can't help but think everytime my stomach turns that I must be pregnant and we all know there isn't a chance in hell that it's possible. I can't help but think about it. Daddy and I have not accomplished anything today but I just feel exhausted. We went to the movies today and I sat down in the theater and immediately feel sleepy. I thought for sure I was going to fall asleep but I didn't. Then we went out to eat and about half through our meal I started to feel feel tired again. All I could thinking about was getting him and sleeping. I ate very little at dinner and came home and passed out on the couch for several hours. I can feel myself slipping into on 'those' moods. Sometimes I can feel myself slipping into them and sometimes they come from out of nowhere. We are getting closer to the 19th of the month and I'm sure that's whats happening.
Also today is the due date for a friend of mine I've made since you've been gone. She and her husband lost their son, Marcellus, to NEC. He's been gone for 2 months now. I think if you both had survived and had met here on Earth you would have been friends. There are different ways that he reminds me of you. So maybe up in Heaven you really are friends or friends with the children of some of my other BLM.
August 15, 2011 - 34 weeks, 1 day
I think this started the third week of finally being back to work. It was our first day of everyone being at St. Marks and reviewing everything. I had been assigned to the IMIL committee and we had to IMIL activities between everything. I was very swollen by this point. I think the swelling was going down at night but I would be painfully swollen again withing about an hour of being up and moving around. At some point during the day, I ran into one of our site nurses, Diane. She took one look at me and told me I needed to call my doctor right away. I told Janice, my boss, and stepped away. They didn't answer so I left a message and they should have called me back. I sat there with my phone willing them to call me back. We went on a break while I was waiting and people would stop by and noticed how miserable I was. I finally got feed up for having to wait and called them back myself. When I called them back, I was able to talk to a nurse and she asked if I could go into a pharmacy or into their office and have my BP taken. I happened to be just down the street from my doctor's office. So I told them I would just come there. I drove there and they took me back. I think I was still pretty calm by that point. Someone had taught me how to take relaxing breaths. I started those, not thinking anything was wrong, and I was really surprised when my BP was really high. I think the top number was around 150 and the bottom number was close to 90. Much, much to high. Dr. Stork came in and wanted to schedule an U/S to see how you were growing and another 24-urine test, I'd already done 2 by then and was a pro at it. But they are disgusting. I don't think I realized even then how scary things were. I do remember calling Daddy at work trying to figure out a good time for him to go do the U/S the next day. I made a post on Facebook about everything and that you needed to stay inside because you weren't done cooking yet. I never imagined in a week you would be here. I went home and I think Daddy ot off work early as well. I called Janice back and told her I what had happened and that when I knew what was happening I would call and let her know. They told me I needed to take it easy and stay of my feet as much as possible. Daddy was wonderful. He would get so angry if he saw that I was getting up and moving around. I'm not exactly the most motivated person out there to do things but I remember I suddenly felt the need to do all the lanudry in the house. And in our old house the washer and dryer were in the basement. Daddy was also pretty firm in the fact that I needed to pack a hospital bag. I kept telling him I would do it later, we still had time. You see, me, your momma, I am the Queen of Procrastinating. Why do something today, when I can do it later??? I kept telling him I'd do it later. At some point thar evening, Daddy tore himself away from his computer and came out and put the pack'n'play and your stroller together. Then he pulled out your car seat and went and installed the base in my car. I kept telling him we didn't need any of that done yet, we still had time!! Haha, boy was I wrong. I think with the next pregnancy I will have our bags a lot earlier than that. I don't think I'll ever put it off again.
love you to the moon and back again,
Momma
Saturday, January 14, 2012
August 14, 2011
Cooper,
Today Nana and Papa have been married for 29 years! Can you believe it? I think Nana and Papa set a record for shortest time spent dating and engagement....less than a week! They met at church on a Sunday and that Friday they got married, no joke! They've made it 29 years. In 29 years, they've had 3 kids, adopted one, 2 Angel Babies, moved to Iowa, moved back to Oklahoma, surivied the Navay Reserves,
and countless other events. Whew, it's been a long trip. I'm glad to have them as my parents.
August 14, 2011 - 34 weeks!
5 months ago we had your 1st and only baby shower --- you missed the rest, we thought you had decided you just wanted to be there for all the fun! Daddy and I had stayed the night at Kristen's apartment in OKC. We left and were starting to head for Aunt Lou's house in Stillwater. (Sidenote, Momma would have loved if you had gone to college at OSU!!! I kept telling Daddy if you chosen OSU we would have paid your tuition but if you has picked that OTHER school we would have disowned you....) We were having family get together. Your cousin Alex was getting ready to start his freshman year at OSU (smart boy!) and it was more or less a met the rest of your family. Aunt Amber moved with Craig to Washington right after the were married and Alex and your other cousin Aaron were both born there. Aunt Lou threw a baby shower for Daddy and I at the same time. We had lots of fun and received lots of cute clothes just for you! Angel gave us the cutest diaper bag. I couldn't wait to use. It matched Daddy's uniform and had your name embroidered on it. I was still really swollen and it was really painful. My cousin Joy is a nurse and she was slightly alarmed by everything that I told her. She was pretty serious about me staying off of my feet and staying out of the heat. Last summer was BAD. There were some days were it would get over 100*. I think I spent most of the afternoon camped out in her living room with my feet up. I'm pretty sure Papa and I both feel asleep on the couch and I vaguely remember someone take pictures of us. Daddy and headed back home later that afternoon but not before Joy told me if they swelling stopped going down at night I needed to call my doctor, to stop and stretch while we were driving home, and to keep my feet up as much as possible. We got home that evening and we starting to put all of your new things away. We mostly got clothes and I threw them all in a laundry basket to sort and wash later. We hadn't started to set up you 'room' yet. In the old house we only had our room and one other bedroom. Daddy had his computer in there and there really wasn't anyroom to move it out into the living room. We had our names on the list to move into a 3 bedroom house. We had planned on just putting up an pack 'n' play next to our bed since we knew you wouldn't be sleeping in a crib even if we had room for one. Nana and Papa had purchased your Pack 'N' Play and they had just given it to us that day. Papa Don and Kimmy and purchased your car seat and stroller and they were sitting in the living room in their boxes still. Our living room had become baby central. We put everything there and planned on waiting until after the other 2 baby showers to start put everything in it's spot and setting up for your arrival. Kristen was planning another baby shower for that weekend (August 20) and Kimmy and Mimi were planning a baby shower in Tulsa (August 27). Daddy and I were so excited to start getting everything ready for you. I spent hours that summer making sure we picked out just the right items for you. I checked reviews for EVERYTHING. Daddy thought it was funny because he would come home for lunch and I'd be sitting on the computer checking reviews and safety issues. He'd leave and come home after work and I'd still be sitting there. Or I would have moved to the couch with the laptop. I was pretty anal about making sure that everything was just right for your arrival. I just wanted everything to be perfect for you.
love you the moon and back again,
Momma
Today Nana and Papa have been married for 29 years! Can you believe it? I think Nana and Papa set a record for shortest time spent dating and engagement....less than a week! They met at church on a Sunday and that Friday they got married, no joke! They've made it 29 years. In 29 years, they've had 3 kids, adopted one, 2 Angel Babies, moved to Iowa, moved back to Oklahoma, surivied the Navay Reserves,
and countless other events. Whew, it's been a long trip. I'm glad to have them as my parents.
August 14, 2011 - 34 weeks!
5 months ago we had your 1st and only baby shower --- you missed the rest, we thought you had decided you just wanted to be there for all the fun! Daddy and I had stayed the night at Kristen's apartment in OKC. We left and were starting to head for Aunt Lou's house in Stillwater. (Sidenote, Momma would have loved if you had gone to college at OSU!!! I kept telling Daddy if you chosen OSU we would have paid your tuition but if you has picked that OTHER school we would have disowned you....) We were having family get together. Your cousin Alex was getting ready to start his freshman year at OSU (smart boy!) and it was more or less a met the rest of your family. Aunt Amber moved with Craig to Washington right after the were married and Alex and your other cousin Aaron were both born there. Aunt Lou threw a baby shower for Daddy and I at the same time. We had lots of fun and received lots of cute clothes just for you! Angel gave us the cutest diaper bag. I couldn't wait to use. It matched Daddy's uniform and had your name embroidered on it. I was still really swollen and it was really painful. My cousin Joy is a nurse and she was slightly alarmed by everything that I told her. She was pretty serious about me staying off of my feet and staying out of the heat. Last summer was BAD. There were some days were it would get over 100*. I think I spent most of the afternoon camped out in her living room with my feet up. I'm pretty sure Papa and I both feel asleep on the couch and I vaguely remember someone take pictures of us. Daddy and headed back home later that afternoon but not before Joy told me if they swelling stopped going down at night I needed to call my doctor, to stop and stretch while we were driving home, and to keep my feet up as much as possible. We got home that evening and we starting to put all of your new things away. We mostly got clothes and I threw them all in a laundry basket to sort and wash later. We hadn't started to set up you 'room' yet. In the old house we only had our room and one other bedroom. Daddy had his computer in there and there really wasn't anyroom to move it out into the living room. We had our names on the list to move into a 3 bedroom house. We had planned on just putting up an pack 'n' play next to our bed since we knew you wouldn't be sleeping in a crib even if we had room for one. Nana and Papa had purchased your Pack 'N' Play and they had just given it to us that day. Papa Don and Kimmy and purchased your car seat and stroller and they were sitting in the living room in their boxes still. Our living room had become baby central. We put everything there and planned on waiting until after the other 2 baby showers to start put everything in it's spot and setting up for your arrival. Kristen was planning another baby shower for that weekend (August 20) and Kimmy and Mimi were planning a baby shower in Tulsa (August 27). Daddy and I were so excited to start getting everything ready for you. I spent hours that summer making sure we picked out just the right items for you. I checked reviews for EVERYTHING. Daddy thought it was funny because he would come home for lunch and I'd be sitting on the computer checking reviews and safety issues. He'd leave and come home after work and I'd still be sitting there. Or I would have moved to the couch with the laptop. I was pretty anal about making sure that everything was just right for your arrival. I just wanted everything to be perfect for you.
love you the moon and back again,
Momma
Friday, January 13, 2012
August 13, 5 months ago
Cooper,
It's been almost 5 months since you finally came and since you've been gone. Every month I keept telling myself "This month I will blog about each day that happened X months go." And each month I keep putting it off. I think I'm finally going to attempt it.
August 13, 2011 - 33 weeks, 6 days...
This time 5 months ago Daddy and I were in Oklahoma City at my cousin's wedding. She's Catholic and I've never been to a Catholic wedding nor did I have ANY idea what to expect other than it being longer than our wedding and lots of getting up and down. On that day I was 33 weeks, 6 days. Daddy and I had planned on going down the night before but I can't remember now why we didn't. I do remember I had to drive and I was pretty incormfortable. Daddy and I had a fight on the way there and I can't remember what it was about but I know we were running late. We were planning on staying with my BFF from college Kristen (she was your Godmomma :) ) We hadn't been for a visit since May and she had gotten a new apartment recently. We quickly got ready for the wedding. Daddy and Kristen were out in her living room chatting and I was in the bathroom and I dropped my ENTIRE make up bag in her toilet. I was so frustrated. Here I was almost 8 months pregnant, feeling quite un-pretty and my make up is floating in her toilet. Daddy fished everything out and we set it out to dry but I couldn't use any of it. Daddy and I left and we barely made it there in time. We ended up getting lost because of construction. We got to the church and as soon as we got inside I was sweating already. At that point, my BP was starting to get higher each visit but no one was concerned. And when they checked my urine (gross I now, Daddy was appalled at the cups and inisited they be put in ziplock bags before they were put in the car and refused to touch my purse if he knew 'it' was in there) there was never any protein in it. I was also starting to swell each day. We assumed it was just because I had started back at work and wasn't as used to being on my feet so much... I was already swollen that day but it was starting to get pretty painful to walk. My hips wer killing and it felt like the skin on my legs was completely streched out and couldn't be stretched anymore. We got into the chapel and it was even hotter. I noticed there were vents on the floor and I tried to find a seat where I could sit near a vent and have the air on my feet. The wedding was LONG and there was a lot of standing up and sitting down. I was a pretty stubborn pregnant lady and deteremined to do everything everyone else was doing. Towards the end I was REALLY starting to hurt and getting dizzy when I stood up and just plain hot. I started to fall over and Daddy caught me, sat me down and told me to sit for the rest of the wedding. Nana and Aunt Lou took one look at me told me that it probably wasn't a good idea for me to go to the reception. Daddy and I went back to Kristen's and I put my feet up and tried to get cool. We rested for a while and it was about that time we were all really starting to get hungry. They let me pick. There's a yummy little restuarant called Santa Fe Cattle Co. and we don't have them here in Wichita so that's where I wanted to eat. Tinker AFB happened to be across the street from where we were at and I've never been to a really big base and Tinker is HUGE. So Daddy tooks us all across the street to show us the base. We ended up in the BX in the baby section. I was overwhelemed thinking about everything we still needed to get you. We really hadn't purchased anything yet. The next day we were actually going to our 1st baby shower for you at Aunt Lou's house. We walked around for a bit and I started to swell up again so we left to go back to Kristen's and just sit. Daddy had bought a bunch of movies at the BX and ended up watching them all. Kristen and I just sat around talking and catching up. I do remember I stayed pretty swollen all evening. It was pretty bad. Daddy would push on my skin and it would leave an impression for several minutes and it was pretty painful. I never really got cool that night either. It was pretty muggy. But we did have a really hot summer last year. Looking back, I don't think it ever entered my mind that in a week we would be in the hospital and you would be here. And two weeks later you would be fighting for your life. We just couldn't imagine it.
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
It's been almost 5 months since you finally came and since you've been gone. Every month I keept telling myself "This month I will blog about each day that happened X months go." And each month I keep putting it off. I think I'm finally going to attempt it.
August 13, 2011 - 33 weeks, 6 days...
This time 5 months ago Daddy and I were in Oklahoma City at my cousin's wedding. She's Catholic and I've never been to a Catholic wedding nor did I have ANY idea what to expect other than it being longer than our wedding and lots of getting up and down. On that day I was 33 weeks, 6 days. Daddy and I had planned on going down the night before but I can't remember now why we didn't. I do remember I had to drive and I was pretty incormfortable. Daddy and I had a fight on the way there and I can't remember what it was about but I know we were running late. We were planning on staying with my BFF from college Kristen (she was your Godmomma :) ) We hadn't been for a visit since May and she had gotten a new apartment recently. We quickly got ready for the wedding. Daddy and Kristen were out in her living room chatting and I was in the bathroom and I dropped my ENTIRE make up bag in her toilet. I was so frustrated. Here I was almost 8 months pregnant, feeling quite un-pretty and my make up is floating in her toilet. Daddy fished everything out and we set it out to dry but I couldn't use any of it. Daddy and I left and we barely made it there in time. We ended up getting lost because of construction. We got to the church and as soon as we got inside I was sweating already. At that point, my BP was starting to get higher each visit but no one was concerned. And when they checked my urine (gross I now, Daddy was appalled at the cups and inisited they be put in ziplock bags before they were put in the car and refused to touch my purse if he knew 'it' was in there) there was never any protein in it. I was also starting to swell each day. We assumed it was just because I had started back at work and wasn't as used to being on my feet so much... I was already swollen that day but it was starting to get pretty painful to walk. My hips wer killing and it felt like the skin on my legs was completely streched out and couldn't be stretched anymore. We got into the chapel and it was even hotter. I noticed there were vents on the floor and I tried to find a seat where I could sit near a vent and have the air on my feet. The wedding was LONG and there was a lot of standing up and sitting down. I was a pretty stubborn pregnant lady and deteremined to do everything everyone else was doing. Towards the end I was REALLY starting to hurt and getting dizzy when I stood up and just plain hot. I started to fall over and Daddy caught me, sat me down and told me to sit for the rest of the wedding. Nana and Aunt Lou took one look at me told me that it probably wasn't a good idea for me to go to the reception. Daddy and I went back to Kristen's and I put my feet up and tried to get cool. We rested for a while and it was about that time we were all really starting to get hungry. They let me pick. There's a yummy little restuarant called Santa Fe Cattle Co. and we don't have them here in Wichita so that's where I wanted to eat. Tinker AFB happened to be across the street from where we were at and I've never been to a really big base and Tinker is HUGE. So Daddy tooks us all across the street to show us the base. We ended up in the BX in the baby section. I was overwhelemed thinking about everything we still needed to get you. We really hadn't purchased anything yet. The next day we were actually going to our 1st baby shower for you at Aunt Lou's house. We walked around for a bit and I started to swell up again so we left to go back to Kristen's and just sit. Daddy had bought a bunch of movies at the BX and ended up watching them all. Kristen and I just sat around talking and catching up. I do remember I stayed pretty swollen all evening. It was pretty bad. Daddy would push on my skin and it would leave an impression for several minutes and it was pretty painful. I never really got cool that night either. It was pretty muggy. But we did have a really hot summer last year. Looking back, I don't think it ever entered my mind that in a week we would be in the hospital and you would be here. And two weeks later you would be fighting for your life. We just couldn't imagine it.
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Answers
Cooper,
Momma went to the doctor again today. Still trying to figure out why my BP spiked like that and you had to come early. Daddy didn't come with me this time. I waited in the room for a long time and doctor finally came in. I recognized her immediately. She was my doctor the day I had you. She was the one that said you had to come early. She was the doctor that cut me open and took you out of me 6 weeks early. In the middle of the chaos of your birth, I didn't remember her name. Then she told me what it was, Dr. Cooper. I tried to hold it together at that point but then she asked how you were doing. I realized she hadn't read my file at all. She didn't know that you aren't here any more. And that's when I lost it. I was upset that she didn't read my file or at least glance throught it just a little to bit to know I was being seen today. While we were waiting for Dr. O'Hara, she went over the results of my blood work I had done last month. It was all normal and everything looked good. She asked about the exercising I had started and I guess it's working, I've lost 8 lbs. since my last visit. But I was also really sick in December for a few weeks and didn't eat much. She left and I was left alone again to stew over what had just happened. Dr. O'Hara finally came in and said the same things....I'm 27, I shouldn't have high blood pressure like and they are looking for a reason why it's so high. Either I've just been blessed with genetics that give me a predispostion to high BP or it's from the 'stress'. Daddy thinks it's just the stress and it will go away eventually and I hoping that's the case. And even if that's the case, when we get pregnant again I'm sure it will come back and rear it's ugly head. But if it's chronic BP, another pregnancy will bring some other problems. No exercising, bedrest at some point, more doctor's visits, more tests that will need to be run, and more U/S, oh and different BP medication that I will have to switch to before we think about getting pregnant. Because the one I'm one right now itsn't safe to take during pregnancies. She wrote a referal to go back to base to see Cpt. B. She wants him to check out a few things and get the BP under control and check to see if it really is chronic or not.
But that wasn't even the icing on the cake. I asked her again why Dr. Stork would tell us it was okay for us to try again after 6-8 months but she would say 18-24. I'm not saying Daddy and I are going to run right out in 2-3 months and start trying again. But if we thought it was okay and everything with Daddy's job was finally figured out at least we could think about whether or not we could try again. But she explained why exactly it wouldn't be a really good idea to think about. The biggest concern would be the next baby wouldn't have everything to grow properly and then have a low birth weight. And many times babies with low birth weights have issues many of the same ones you had. Not neccessarily NEC, but problems but things like being born early, problems breathing, apnea, regulating body temperature, and juandice. We already realize with an increased risk of Pre-E again, we are running the risk of having another preemie. But if we were to have a full term baby with some of those problems, I'm sure that would send your brother or sister straight to the NICU. And then there's the obvious given that when babies don't grow properly in their mommy's bellyies there is an increased chance for death. And I can tell you this, IF (and I'm praying very HARD that we DON'T!) we lose a 3rd baby I will absolutely lose it. So we've come to the conclusion we will have to wait as long as possible. She did say we could revisit this in 9 months. And that would be around your 1st birthday....so I'm thinkng for your birthday we can think about adding to our family. That's my next day...okay just have to make it to Cooper's birthday.
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
Momma went to the doctor again today. Still trying to figure out why my BP spiked like that and you had to come early. Daddy didn't come with me this time. I waited in the room for a long time and doctor finally came in. I recognized her immediately. She was my doctor the day I had you. She was the one that said you had to come early. She was the doctor that cut me open and took you out of me 6 weeks early. In the middle of the chaos of your birth, I didn't remember her name. Then she told me what it was, Dr. Cooper. I tried to hold it together at that point but then she asked how you were doing. I realized she hadn't read my file at all. She didn't know that you aren't here any more. And that's when I lost it. I was upset that she didn't read my file or at least glance throught it just a little to bit to know I was being seen today. While we were waiting for Dr. O'Hara, she went over the results of my blood work I had done last month. It was all normal and everything looked good. She asked about the exercising I had started and I guess it's working, I've lost 8 lbs. since my last visit. But I was also really sick in December for a few weeks and didn't eat much. She left and I was left alone again to stew over what had just happened. Dr. O'Hara finally came in and said the same things....I'm 27, I shouldn't have high blood pressure like and they are looking for a reason why it's so high. Either I've just been blessed with genetics that give me a predispostion to high BP or it's from the 'stress'. Daddy thinks it's just the stress and it will go away eventually and I hoping that's the case. And even if that's the case, when we get pregnant again I'm sure it will come back and rear it's ugly head. But if it's chronic BP, another pregnancy will bring some other problems. No exercising, bedrest at some point, more doctor's visits, more tests that will need to be run, and more U/S, oh and different BP medication that I will have to switch to before we think about getting pregnant. Because the one I'm one right now itsn't safe to take during pregnancies. She wrote a referal to go back to base to see Cpt. B. She wants him to check out a few things and get the BP under control and check to see if it really is chronic or not.
But that wasn't even the icing on the cake. I asked her again why Dr. Stork would tell us it was okay for us to try again after 6-8 months but she would say 18-24. I'm not saying Daddy and I are going to run right out in 2-3 months and start trying again. But if we thought it was okay and everything with Daddy's job was finally figured out at least we could think about whether or not we could try again. But she explained why exactly it wouldn't be a really good idea to think about. The biggest concern would be the next baby wouldn't have everything to grow properly and then have a low birth weight. And many times babies with low birth weights have issues many of the same ones you had. Not neccessarily NEC, but problems but things like being born early, problems breathing, apnea, regulating body temperature, and juandice. We already realize with an increased risk of Pre-E again, we are running the risk of having another preemie. But if we were to have a full term baby with some of those problems, I'm sure that would send your brother or sister straight to the NICU. And then there's the obvious given that when babies don't grow properly in their mommy's bellyies there is an increased chance for death. And I can tell you this, IF (and I'm praying very HARD that we DON'T!) we lose a 3rd baby I will absolutely lose it. So we've come to the conclusion we will have to wait as long as possible. She did say we could revisit this in 9 months. And that would be around your 1st birthday....so I'm thinkng for your birthday we can think about adding to our family. That's my next day...okay just have to make it to Cooper's birthday.
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Molly Bears
Cooper,
Not long after you left us I found out about a wonderful organization called Molly Bears. The make bears for Mommas and Daddies whose arms feel empty after their babies leave too soon. That was my biggest fear after you passed away, that I wouldn't remember how you felt in my arms. And then I found their organization. These bears are special. They weigh as much as our babies did, as much as you did, all 4 lbs. 14 oz. They open up their waiting list once a month on the 30th just for the day. There is a great need for these bears right now, so the waiting list is quite long. It can take over a year to get your bear. I put my name, well I guess your name in a way, on the list about a month after you died. #1404 They are still working on the the bears in the 500 right now so I'm sure it will be some time before I can hold my bear. Sometimes they do drawings to get your bear early or if you donate a certain amount they will make your bear first. We don't have a cash tree growing so we havn't been able to donate yet. Most of our extra money has been going to your headstone. Since that would be one of the things we would buy for you we wanted it to be perfect and didn't exactly look at what it all cost until afterwards. It didn't matter to us. We want you headstone to be put out as soon as possible so we've been paying extra to that bill. Got a little sidetracked there...
Anyways, for Christmas Papa Don and Kimmy gave me a sewing machine for Christmas. At first all I could think was "What the hell am I supposed to do with this???" And then a few days later it occurred to me. A couple of months back, they were looking for people to help with bows and inserts and other things for the bears. I remembered that it took a sewing machine to make the inserts and there I had it...I'm going to help make the inserts for Molly Bears. :) I got the pattern in an e-mail today. And Daddy and I are going home again in few weeks for Aunt Kisha's birthday and Nana is going to help me figure out how to set up my sewing machine and teach me how to use it. But the BEST PART you might ask???? They said after I turn in 60 sets, they will pick my bear and make it for me! I will be getting Cooper Bear a lot earlier than I expected! They'd like me to turn in 30 inserts a month so I'm hoping it will only take me 2 months to get my Cooper Bear...hopefully the bear will be here after your 6 month birthday/angelversary. But until then I've got lots of inserts to make and your shadow box to work on.
Daddy got me a beautiful shadow box to put some of your things in. I can't wait to finish it and hang it up. I've been redecorating the house. Well I guess decorating this house. I'm sure it drives your daddy bonkers but he knows that it takes my mind off of things (even though you are really never far from my mind) and he knows it makes me 'happy'. I'm sure our bank account isn't very happy about it though. That was one of my favorite things to do with your Daddy when I was pregnant. We spent about a month this summer just getting the house ready for you. We picked a room each weekend and clean and then shop. I remember trying to put together a bookcase. Daddy asked me sit in the middle and screw something in because my fingers are smaller than his. I tried to get as close to the floor but my belly kept getting in the way. You didn't care too much for it, you kept kicking me in the gut. It took us about 3 hours to put it together and it was pretty crappy but we finally got it built. I remember Daddy trying to help me get off the ground. He thought it was hysterical, he kept calling me a beached whale. You would have loved him.
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
Not long after you left us I found out about a wonderful organization called Molly Bears. The make bears for Mommas and Daddies whose arms feel empty after their babies leave too soon. That was my biggest fear after you passed away, that I wouldn't remember how you felt in my arms. And then I found their organization. These bears are special. They weigh as much as our babies did, as much as you did, all 4 lbs. 14 oz. They open up their waiting list once a month on the 30th just for the day. There is a great need for these bears right now, so the waiting list is quite long. It can take over a year to get your bear. I put my name, well I guess your name in a way, on the list about a month after you died. #1404 They are still working on the the bears in the 500 right now so I'm sure it will be some time before I can hold my bear. Sometimes they do drawings to get your bear early or if you donate a certain amount they will make your bear first. We don't have a cash tree growing so we havn't been able to donate yet. Most of our extra money has been going to your headstone. Since that would be one of the things we would buy for you we wanted it to be perfect and didn't exactly look at what it all cost until afterwards. It didn't matter to us. We want you headstone to be put out as soon as possible so we've been paying extra to that bill. Got a little sidetracked there...
Anyways, for Christmas Papa Don and Kimmy gave me a sewing machine for Christmas. At first all I could think was "What the hell am I supposed to do with this???" And then a few days later it occurred to me. A couple of months back, they were looking for people to help with bows and inserts and other things for the bears. I remembered that it took a sewing machine to make the inserts and there I had it...I'm going to help make the inserts for Molly Bears. :) I got the pattern in an e-mail today. And Daddy and I are going home again in few weeks for Aunt Kisha's birthday and Nana is going to help me figure out how to set up my sewing machine and teach me how to use it. But the BEST PART you might ask???? They said after I turn in 60 sets, they will pick my bear and make it for me! I will be getting Cooper Bear a lot earlier than I expected! They'd like me to turn in 30 inserts a month so I'm hoping it will only take me 2 months to get my Cooper Bear...hopefully the bear will be here after your 6 month birthday/angelversary. But until then I've got lots of inserts to make and your shadow box to work on.
Daddy got me a beautiful shadow box to put some of your things in. I can't wait to finish it and hang it up. I've been redecorating the house. Well I guess decorating this house. I'm sure it drives your daddy bonkers but he knows that it takes my mind off of things (even though you are really never far from my mind) and he knows it makes me 'happy'. I'm sure our bank account isn't very happy about it though. That was one of my favorite things to do with your Daddy when I was pregnant. We spent about a month this summer just getting the house ready for you. We picked a room each weekend and clean and then shop. I remember trying to put together a bookcase. Daddy asked me sit in the middle and screw something in because my fingers are smaller than his. I tried to get as close to the floor but my belly kept getting in the way. You didn't care too much for it, you kept kicking me in the gut. It took us about 3 hours to put it together and it was pretty crappy but we finally got it built. I remember Daddy trying to help me get off the ground. He thought it was hysterical, he kept calling me a beached whale. You would have loved him.
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
Sunday, January 1, 2012
A year ago,
Cooper,
I can't believe it's been a year...a year ago since we got pregnant with you. Baby, you were a New' Year's baby. Daddy and I decided at Thanksgiving we were ready to go from 2 to 3 Salas in our house. We found out in January we were pregnant with you and we did the math later on and figured out we got pregnant with you on New Years Eve. It's not exactly something you'd ever want to tell your child but here I am telling you. We went to the Pylants and played games. Kristin and I shared a bottle of some yummy wine, your Daddy and Randall drank lord knows what. But we drank and played games and then walked home. I even remember there being a comment at some point of someone saying that hopefully there'd be 3 of us this year. If we only knew....
Last night was rough. We went out with Uncle Matt and Aunt Kisha. It was a good idea in the beginning but it just got to be too much after a while. Someone asked me about my necklace (which Norah loves to play with :) ) and I lost it. Aunt Kisha and I went inside and I just cried. Not everyone there knew what happened and they just assumed Daddy and I were fighting. I didn't really want to explain to them why I was crying. I just let it go and cried. I feel like 2011 was my last connection to you. Last year, we said hello and good bye to you. I have bigger hopes for 2012 that we can try again and *hopefully* this time next year your little brother or sister will finally be on their way.
We got home tonight and Binx was so excited. He followed me everywhere. I think he's exhausted now. He's just laying in the middle of the floor with his toys. And just raises his head from the floor to check out where we are going instead of following us. Amanda called a short time after we left. She's my BFF from high school. We have the sort of relationship we don't get to talk all the time but when we do, we pick up right where we left off at. Her dad died exactly a week before you did. You would have loved him. I'm sure you've met him by now and if you haven't you really need to find him. I'm sure he'd tell you stories about Amanda and I from middle school and high school, if he hasn't already. Tell him Jaunita sent you :). Oh, and find Granny Payne, I think your Kimmy is missing her a lot right now. I think you've found most of our relatives by now and I'm sure they are all fighting over whose turn it is to hold you. At least this what Daddy and I think about at night. People fighting over you.
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
I can't believe it's been a year...a year ago since we got pregnant with you. Baby, you were a New' Year's baby. Daddy and I decided at Thanksgiving we were ready to go from 2 to 3 Salas in our house. We found out in January we were pregnant with you and we did the math later on and figured out we got pregnant with you on New Years Eve. It's not exactly something you'd ever want to tell your child but here I am telling you. We went to the Pylants and played games. Kristin and I shared a bottle of some yummy wine, your Daddy and Randall drank lord knows what. But we drank and played games and then walked home. I even remember there being a comment at some point of someone saying that hopefully there'd be 3 of us this year. If we only knew....
Last night was rough. We went out with Uncle Matt and Aunt Kisha. It was a good idea in the beginning but it just got to be too much after a while. Someone asked me about my necklace (which Norah loves to play with :) ) and I lost it. Aunt Kisha and I went inside and I just cried. Not everyone there knew what happened and they just assumed Daddy and I were fighting. I didn't really want to explain to them why I was crying. I just let it go and cried. I feel like 2011 was my last connection to you. Last year, we said hello and good bye to you. I have bigger hopes for 2012 that we can try again and *hopefully* this time next year your little brother or sister will finally be on their way.
We got home tonight and Binx was so excited. He followed me everywhere. I think he's exhausted now. He's just laying in the middle of the floor with his toys. And just raises his head from the floor to check out where we are going instead of following us. Amanda called a short time after we left. She's my BFF from high school. We have the sort of relationship we don't get to talk all the time but when we do, we pick up right where we left off at. Her dad died exactly a week before you did. You would have loved him. I'm sure you've met him by now and if you haven't you really need to find him. I'm sure he'd tell you stories about Amanda and I from middle school and high school, if he hasn't already. Tell him Jaunita sent you :). Oh, and find Granny Payne, I think your Kimmy is missing her a lot right now. I think you've found most of our relatives by now and I'm sure they are all fighting over whose turn it is to hold you. At least this what Daddy and I think about at night. People fighting over you.
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
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