Colby,
Momma sure does love her first baby A LOT! Daddy and I miss you, and even though we never met or saw you, you impacted our lives in such a way. Because of you we have Cooper.
Thanks for telling me hi on Sunday morning.
love you,
Momma
Cooper,
Gosh, I need to get my rear in gear and write just a little bit more. Even though I talk a lot to you and Colby throughout the day and at night. I know you have been watching and see a lot of what has been going on.
I've been thinking/talking a lot about this new 'normal' and what it's like to live it. Never in a million years did I think my normal would involve funeral arrangements. I didn't think I would have to do any of this until something happened to our parents. I never dreamed I would be having to make them for you.
I HATE funeral homes. And although, part of me thanks the FH Funeral Home for everything they did. There are days like the last 5, I wish it was possible to take our business elsewhere. I hate the last few days events and could just spit. I do NOT remember them saying they were going to remove your temporary marker until they laid your marker. How in the world is anyone supposed to 'find' you out there??? Daddy and I put some special things out there and I would have liked to have been given the chance to go back out there and get them back! Nana put a little stained glass nativity that her sister, my Aunt Jan, made a few years back. It's pretty special to Nana because it was one of the last pieces she ever made for her. And Aunt Jan beat you to Heaven in June. Nana is pretty livid herself. She wanted to put it out there each Christmas for you. Nana, Daddy and I are making every effort to have you marker out there for you by your birthday. Once it's all paid off it will take about 3 months start to finish until it's in the ground. So we will need for it to be paid off by May. Hopefully something will come through and we will have it for you, Can't believe you will be 1 in 5 months, how big would be now???
I HATE that I have a reason to go to The Compassionate Friends. I really look forward every month to be able to go. It's the one place I feel like I can go and I'm normal. I don't feel like I'm different than anyone else. Wherever I go, I feel like I have a name tag on that says "Hello, I've lost my child." And when I'm there, we all have that name tag on. It's okay to cry because we all cry. We all talk about our children in the past tense. There't no judgment from anyone. We can sit and talk about our children and no one starts to roll their eyes because they heard the same story, a month ago. It's okay for me to sit and cling to a teddy bear that feels like I'm holding you. No one stops and stares.
I HATE that some of my closest friends have all experienced this. I hate that Melissa, Morgan and I can compare notes about what happened to you, Olivia, and Marcellus, Shouldn't we be comparing notes about normal things, like weight, sleep, what your eating, or some cute new thing you are doing! Or Peggy and her sweet baby Aubrie, we're connected now by dates in August and our babies. I hate that my friends who havn't experienced this just seem more distant than ever. I know they try! I see how hard they try to understand. Or my 'friends' who have just flat out disappeared because I lost you. I'm not diseased, losing a child is not contagious. Just because it happened to me, doesn't mean you can't be friends with me?!?!
Someone please tell me, when did this become my new norm!? I tell you when...August 28, 20ll. The day our world was changed forever.
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Sunday, March 4, 2012
An Unfinished Mother
Cooper,
I mentioned last time that I've been having a hard time trying to figure out if I'm still a mother or not. I know I am, I always be your momma and no one can change that. I've had to things that most parents will not ever had to do. Daddy and I have had to plan a funeral, pick out a casket, and pick out a headstone for our child. Our 9 day old infant son. I feel like a broken record when I say this. I'm not supposed to be doing this. I'm not supposed to have buried my son. You WERE supposed to have done all those things for me. Not me for you. This isn't fair and there are no do overs in life. Those were the last things I was able to do for as your mother. Our parents did most of the arrangements for us because honestly Daddy and I were in too much of a state of shock. We did pick out the picture for your funeral, we picked out a poem, we picked out what you wore and we picked out your headstone.
Am I still a Mother? Will in one remember in May that I'm a mom on Mother's Day? Will anyone believe me? THIS ISN'T FAIR!!!
I got this month's TCF newsletter in the mail and it sums up a lot. I still hurt but reading made me feel better, if only for just a little while. I didn't write this. I'm not claiming this work as my own at ALL.
An Unfinished Mother by Clara Hinton
When child loss occurs, a mother goes through a difficut time of emtional turmoil and questioning. "Am I still a mother?" "Does my child still have a birthday each year, or does time stand still?" "Can the mother/child relationship continue to grow, or am I now an 'unfinished mother'?"
Losing a child places a mother on a road that begins a lonelier journey than ever expected-one that can never really be explained. There was a beginning, but with the death of the child, there is no middle and no end. Everything seems so unfinished. Hopes and dreams were stopped far too soon. Joy was snatched away so suddenly. A mother is left with empty arms and an empty heart. Nothing can ever be complete when a child's life ends.
When the death of a child occurs, a mother is stopped in her tracks, and she suddenly feels inadequate and incomplete. She wears a new name. She is an "unfinished mother", never bein able to see the rest of the picture. She will never be able to watch her child mature into a young adult. She will never be able to see all the pieces fit together. The picture will always have part of the scenery missing. It is so painful to be an unfinished mother! Child loss makes everything seems to empty and incomplete.
The reality of child loss is so devastating to a mother. There are overwhelming feelinsg of guilt, inadequatcy, and most often feelinsg of failure. These feelings can overwhelm a mother for several months following the death of a child, and it can be quite difficult to build a support system to carry a mother through this roller coaster of emtions. Very few people will understand a mother's explanation of feeling like she is an unfinished mother.
There will be come a critical point in this journey of gried when a mother must reach deep inside her inner resources and make a conscious decision to accept herself just as she is-a mother whose heart has been touched by the pain and grief of child loss. Only then can she start to put together some of the broken pieces and begin to feel like there will be a day when she will feel more like a complete mother than an unfinished mother.
When a child dies, life is suddenly thrown completely off balance. A mother is left feeling like her identity has been taken away. It is often a long difficult journey to find that place of identity as a mother again. It's hard to understand that there is unfinished living that will never be completed. Peace can finally come to a mother's heart when she realizes that there is a big difference between having unfinished business and being left feeling like an unfinished mother.
A mother is never "unfinished". No matter how brief her time was with her child, the bond of love between mother and child was complete. A mother's love for her child is unending. Dreams may shatter and circumstances may change, but a mother's love remains strong. As a mother travels the path to healing, it is important for her to remind herself often that is a mother forever. Her motherhood did not stop when her child died. This understanding of motherhood releases the feelings of guilt and failure and allows a mother to begin to see herself as a whole person again-a complete mother.
A mother is never an "unfinished mother." A mother's love runs far too deep to ever be called unfinished!
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
I mentioned last time that I've been having a hard time trying to figure out if I'm still a mother or not. I know I am, I always be your momma and no one can change that. I've had to things that most parents will not ever had to do. Daddy and I have had to plan a funeral, pick out a casket, and pick out a headstone for our child. Our 9 day old infant son. I feel like a broken record when I say this. I'm not supposed to be doing this. I'm not supposed to have buried my son. You WERE supposed to have done all those things for me. Not me for you. This isn't fair and there are no do overs in life. Those were the last things I was able to do for as your mother. Our parents did most of the arrangements for us because honestly Daddy and I were in too much of a state of shock. We did pick out the picture for your funeral, we picked out a poem, we picked out what you wore and we picked out your headstone.
Am I still a Mother? Will in one remember in May that I'm a mom on Mother's Day? Will anyone believe me? THIS ISN'T FAIR!!!
I got this month's TCF newsletter in the mail and it sums up a lot. I still hurt but reading made me feel better, if only for just a little while. I didn't write this. I'm not claiming this work as my own at ALL.
An Unfinished Mother by Clara Hinton
When child loss occurs, a mother goes through a difficut time of emtional turmoil and questioning. "Am I still a mother?" "Does my child still have a birthday each year, or does time stand still?" "Can the mother/child relationship continue to grow, or am I now an 'unfinished mother'?"
Losing a child places a mother on a road that begins a lonelier journey than ever expected-one that can never really be explained. There was a beginning, but with the death of the child, there is no middle and no end. Everything seems so unfinished. Hopes and dreams were stopped far too soon. Joy was snatched away so suddenly. A mother is left with empty arms and an empty heart. Nothing can ever be complete when a child's life ends.
When the death of a child occurs, a mother is stopped in her tracks, and she suddenly feels inadequate and incomplete. She wears a new name. She is an "unfinished mother", never bein able to see the rest of the picture. She will never be able to watch her child mature into a young adult. She will never be able to see all the pieces fit together. The picture will always have part of the scenery missing. It is so painful to be an unfinished mother! Child loss makes everything seems to empty and incomplete.
The reality of child loss is so devastating to a mother. There are overwhelming feelinsg of guilt, inadequatcy, and most often feelinsg of failure. These feelings can overwhelm a mother for several months following the death of a child, and it can be quite difficult to build a support system to carry a mother through this roller coaster of emtions. Very few people will understand a mother's explanation of feeling like she is an unfinished mother.
There will be come a critical point in this journey of gried when a mother must reach deep inside her inner resources and make a conscious decision to accept herself just as she is-a mother whose heart has been touched by the pain and grief of child loss. Only then can she start to put together some of the broken pieces and begin to feel like there will be a day when she will feel more like a complete mother than an unfinished mother.
When a child dies, life is suddenly thrown completely off balance. A mother is left feeling like her identity has been taken away. It is often a long difficult journey to find that place of identity as a mother again. It's hard to understand that there is unfinished living that will never be completed. Peace can finally come to a mother's heart when she realizes that there is a big difference between having unfinished business and being left feeling like an unfinished mother.
A mother is never "unfinished". No matter how brief her time was with her child, the bond of love between mother and child was complete. A mother's love for her child is unending. Dreams may shatter and circumstances may change, but a mother's love remains strong. As a mother travels the path to healing, it is important for her to remind herself often that is a mother forever. Her motherhood did not stop when her child died. This understanding of motherhood releases the feelings of guilt and failure and allows a mother to begin to see herself as a whole person again-a complete mother.
A mother is never an "unfinished mother." A mother's love runs far too deep to ever be called unfinished!
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
6 months today and still breathing...
Cooper,
My sweet precious little boy.
Today marked 6 days since Daddy or I held you close. I can't believe it's been that long. Yesterday we got our Cooper and Colby Bears in the mail. We knew our Cooper Bear was coming but we didn't expect him until later this week. So to find him sitting in our mailbox last night was a complete surprise. Included was another surprise, Esther's momma sent along a Colby Bear in memory of your big brother. I don't think we've put them down very long since we got them. We spent most of the afternoon on the couch trading him back and forth, laying him on our chests like when we would k-care with you in the NICU. His fur is almost as soft as your hair and skin were. Sometimes I wish he smelled like you.
I can honestly say the worst part of today were the days leading up. I didn't know what to expect. Daddy and I both took the day off from work. Daddy had to take his PT test and I ended up needing to take care of some things at work. I happened to be in a meeting at 11:15, I watched the minute switch and my heart break just a little bit more. After that was over with, we went out to lunch. Of course about 10 minutes after we sat down, they seated a new mom with baby. It was a little boy. The waitress kept gushing over what a beautiful baby he was. It took everything in me to not tear into my purse to find the pictures I keep of you and show them to everyone in the restuarant. We quickly finished up and went to Target to add movies to Daddy's movie collection. Then we came home and napped a bit with Cooper Bear before I needed to head to an appointment with Adrienne. I stopped to get ice cream because Daddy has been so good about not eating sweets, so he could pass his PT test. We enjoyed our ice cream and another nap. Grieving is so tiring. We ate dinner and spent the rest of the evening watching our Tuesday night shows and passing Cooper Bear back and forth.
We had a pretty nasty storm tonight. At one point, I thought the wind, hail and ran were going to blow in our windows. I looked outside and the rain was blowing sideways. The visibility was so bad an SUV was creeping down the street. It rained and hailed like that for quite some time. And then it just stopped. It was raining and hailing one minute and then it just stopped like someone flipped the light switch and it just stopped. I wish there was a switch like for grief to be able to just turn it off when I need to.
I got the montly newsletter from TCF yesterday. There was an article in there about being an unfinished mother. It was perfect timing again. I'm been having a hard time dealing with the fact of whether or not I'm a still a mother. I know I'm a mother. I'm your momma. I'm Colby's momma. But I have nothing to 'mother'. I'm dreading Mother's Day. I've heard about the Mother of Angel Day. But I don't want to be that mother. I didn't ask for this. I want to celebrate Mother's day with my babies, my Cooper and Colby. I worry no one will remember that I'm still someone's mom. I'm going to try and post it on here one day.
Oh and if anyone out there reads this and knows how to add music, do me a favor and leave a comment telling me how to add music, there's a few songs I've been wanting to add to my blog.
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
My sweet precious little boy.
Today marked 6 days since Daddy or I held you close. I can't believe it's been that long. Yesterday we got our Cooper and Colby Bears in the mail. We knew our Cooper Bear was coming but we didn't expect him until later this week. So to find him sitting in our mailbox last night was a complete surprise. Included was another surprise, Esther's momma sent along a Colby Bear in memory of your big brother. I don't think we've put them down very long since we got them. We spent most of the afternoon on the couch trading him back and forth, laying him on our chests like when we would k-care with you in the NICU. His fur is almost as soft as your hair and skin were. Sometimes I wish he smelled like you.
I can honestly say the worst part of today were the days leading up. I didn't know what to expect. Daddy and I both took the day off from work. Daddy had to take his PT test and I ended up needing to take care of some things at work. I happened to be in a meeting at 11:15, I watched the minute switch and my heart break just a little bit more. After that was over with, we went out to lunch. Of course about 10 minutes after we sat down, they seated a new mom with baby. It was a little boy. The waitress kept gushing over what a beautiful baby he was. It took everything in me to not tear into my purse to find the pictures I keep of you and show them to everyone in the restuarant. We quickly finished up and went to Target to add movies to Daddy's movie collection. Then we came home and napped a bit with Cooper Bear before I needed to head to an appointment with Adrienne. I stopped to get ice cream because Daddy has been so good about not eating sweets, so he could pass his PT test. We enjoyed our ice cream and another nap. Grieving is so tiring. We ate dinner and spent the rest of the evening watching our Tuesday night shows and passing Cooper Bear back and forth.
We had a pretty nasty storm tonight. At one point, I thought the wind, hail and ran were going to blow in our windows. I looked outside and the rain was blowing sideways. The visibility was so bad an SUV was creeping down the street. It rained and hailed like that for quite some time. And then it just stopped. It was raining and hailing one minute and then it just stopped like someone flipped the light switch and it just stopped. I wish there was a switch like for grief to be able to just turn it off when I need to.
I got the montly newsletter from TCF yesterday. There was an article in there about being an unfinished mother. It was perfect timing again. I'm been having a hard time dealing with the fact of whether or not I'm a still a mother. I know I'm a mother. I'm your momma. I'm Colby's momma. But I have nothing to 'mother'. I'm dreading Mother's Day. I've heard about the Mother of Angel Day. But I don't want to be that mother. I didn't ask for this. I want to celebrate Mother's day with my babies, my Cooper and Colby. I worry no one will remember that I'm still someone's mom. I'm going to try and post it on here one day.
Oh and if anyone out there reads this and knows how to add music, do me a favor and leave a comment telling me how to add music, there's a few songs I've been wanting to add to my blog.
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
Saturday, February 25, 2012
6 months ago...
Cooper,
Exactly 6 months and 45 minutes ago doctors were confirming that you had NEC. By this time you already had received 2 sets of x-rays and were on vent to help you breathe. They were giving you strong medicene to help with your blood pressure and help you fight off NEC. We had already called everyone we knew and asking for prayers to heal your body.
I remember everytime I touched you, you would let out a little squak that sounded like a goat. You tried opening your eyes for us. But we knew how tired you must have been. You fighting off something so much bigger than we could have ever imagined.
You were so strong, even until then end. You waited for Daddy to get there. We love you and miss you so much.
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
Exactly 6 months and 45 minutes ago doctors were confirming that you had NEC. By this time you already had received 2 sets of x-rays and were on vent to help you breathe. They were giving you strong medicene to help with your blood pressure and help you fight off NEC. We had already called everyone we knew and asking for prayers to heal your body.
I remember everytime I touched you, you would let out a little squak that sounded like a goat. You tried opening your eyes for us. But we knew how tired you must have been. You fighting off something so much bigger than we could have ever imagined.
You were so strong, even until then end. You waited for Daddy to get there. We love you and miss you so much.
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
Friday, February 24, 2012
First Person I Told...
Cooper,
Sweet boy, I've missed you so much. Sunday you would have 6 months old. I've been wondering a lot lately what kind of personality you would have been developing, who you would have looked like more: me or Daddy?, or would you have been a Momma's boy or a Daddy's boy? There are so many things I'd like to have known. I've realized that maybe I spend too much time focusing on what might have been. I've really been thinking more about those precious 9 days we had together. Those were the best 9 days of my life.
Lately, I've also been thinking about what it will be like to love another child as much as we loved you. Daddy and I loved you so much, I can't imagine feeling this way for a second child. I can't wait for teh day to find out what that will be like.
Oh, and here's the next installment for Grieve Out Loud's blog challenge...I've been meaning to do this one for a while. I really like the idea of the challenge. It will help with trying to focus on all of the firsts we had with you instead of thinking about all those firsts we will never have with you.
Who was the first person you told about your pregnancy (besides your significant other)? How far along were you? How did they react?
I'm not exactly sure who I told first. There were a lot of phone calls made that night. :) Daddy actually called it. I didn't think I was pregnant. I didn't think it could happen so quickly a second time. I had to go grocery shopping that night. Daddy was pretty insistant that I buy a pregnancy test when I was there. I kept trying to denying the fact that I was but he wouldn't listen. On my way to go grocery shopping, I called Nana (she was in the middle of teaching her college class that night) and told her Daddy's suspicions. Nana got pretty excited and told me I needed to call her as soon as I knew. I told her not to get her hopes up because I didn't think I was. When I got home, I went ahead and took they test just to prove Daddy wrong. I set the test aside and Daddy and I started eating dinner. A few minutes later, Daddy threw the test at me and said "Congrats momma." I was so shocked to see the word PREGNANT show up so quickly. Daddy and I both agreed we weren't going to publically announce anything just because we were afraid to lose again.
I think right after that I called my boss, Janice to tell her I would late the next morning. I was so excited it sort of just spilled out. Janice was super excited. I don't think she cared when I ended up being late 3 mornings in a row to get all the blood tests done and appointments with my OB set up. I had to go back to Wal-Mart again that night because I forgot to print of some pictures for my classroom. I called Nana back and she was in the middle of teaching, literally, she answered anyway. She was so excited about you that she told the rest of her class right away that she was going to be a Nana again! I called Papa after that, I think he was too tired to even understand what I was saying but he was pretty excited about it either way. Then I called Amber because we found out on her birthday, Janruary 25. I asked if she would mind waiting for her birthday present a few more months. It took her awhile but she finally understood what I was saying. I also called Kristin, she was just as excited. She knew how much we wanted you. And then I called, you Godmomma, Kristen. I wasn't able to tell her until I was actually in Wal-Mart in the photo center. I can even remember the exact spot I where I was standing when I told her. Somtimes, when I pass by that spot it takes me back and I feel like I'm there telling her I'm pregnant again.
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
Sweet boy, I've missed you so much. Sunday you would have 6 months old. I've been wondering a lot lately what kind of personality you would have been developing, who you would have looked like more: me or Daddy?, or would you have been a Momma's boy or a Daddy's boy? There are so many things I'd like to have known. I've realized that maybe I spend too much time focusing on what might have been. I've really been thinking more about those precious 9 days we had together. Those were the best 9 days of my life.
Lately, I've also been thinking about what it will be like to love another child as much as we loved you. Daddy and I loved you so much, I can't imagine feeling this way for a second child. I can't wait for teh day to find out what that will be like.
Oh, and here's the next installment for Grieve Out Loud's blog challenge...I've been meaning to do this one for a while. I really like the idea of the challenge. It will help with trying to focus on all of the firsts we had with you instead of thinking about all those firsts we will never have with you.
Who was the first person you told about your pregnancy (besides your significant other)? How far along were you? How did they react?
I'm not exactly sure who I told first. There were a lot of phone calls made that night. :) Daddy actually called it. I didn't think I was pregnant. I didn't think it could happen so quickly a second time. I had to go grocery shopping that night. Daddy was pretty insistant that I buy a pregnancy test when I was there. I kept trying to denying the fact that I was but he wouldn't listen. On my way to go grocery shopping, I called Nana (she was in the middle of teaching her college class that night) and told her Daddy's suspicions. Nana got pretty excited and told me I needed to call her as soon as I knew. I told her not to get her hopes up because I didn't think I was. When I got home, I went ahead and took they test just to prove Daddy wrong. I set the test aside and Daddy and I started eating dinner. A few minutes later, Daddy threw the test at me and said "Congrats momma." I was so shocked to see the word PREGNANT show up so quickly. Daddy and I both agreed we weren't going to publically announce anything just because we were afraid to lose again.
I think right after that I called my boss, Janice to tell her I would late the next morning. I was so excited it sort of just spilled out. Janice was super excited. I don't think she cared when I ended up being late 3 mornings in a row to get all the blood tests done and appointments with my OB set up. I had to go back to Wal-Mart again that night because I forgot to print of some pictures for my classroom. I called Nana back and she was in the middle of teaching, literally, she answered anyway. She was so excited about you that she told the rest of her class right away that she was going to be a Nana again! I called Papa after that, I think he was too tired to even understand what I was saying but he was pretty excited about it either way. Then I called Amber because we found out on her birthday, Janruary 25. I asked if she would mind waiting for her birthday present a few more months. It took her awhile but she finally understood what I was saying. I also called Kristin, she was just as excited. She knew how much we wanted you. And then I called, you Godmomma, Kristen. I wasn't able to tell her until I was actually in Wal-Mart in the photo center. I can even remember the exact spot I where I was standing when I told her. Somtimes, when I pass by that spot it takes me back and I feel like I'm there telling her I'm pregnant again.
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
Saturday, February 11, 2012
"The First"
Cooper,
I've started yet another writing challenge...maybe this time I'll actually finish one??? Oh and Nana and I have started to read the Bible for the next year...one week strong. Really hoping to finish that one!!!
Here's "The First" writing challenge.
What was the first piece of furniture you bought for the nursery?
Daddy and I never really got around to putting together a real nursery for you. We weren't procrastinating. I'm sure you've figured out by now Daddy and I like to procrastinate a lot. Me more than Daddy. I can't tell you the number of times the phrase "Oh, let's just do it tomorrow. We've got time!" HA! But seriously, Daddy and I were on a list to move into a bigger house shortly after your due date at the end of September. They were going to help pay for us to move so Daddy and I planned on using that money to purchase teh furniture for your nursery. Even if we had a nursery planned and ready for you, we were planning on keeping you in our room with us for while. Nana and Papa had purchases your pack'n'play and we got it as a gift at the baby shower about a week before you were born. Daddy put it together and installed your car seat the Tuesday before you were born. I laid on the couch because I was supposed to stay off of my feet until we saw the doctor again that Friday. I kept telling him we didn't need to we still had time. I don't think Daddy will ever believe a word I say the next time I'm pregnant. But I amd so glad Daddy put it all together for you even if you never had the chance to use it. When we left to go to the hospital that Friday Daddy even stopped to grab your car seat but again I tried to tell him we wouldn't need it. Again, he proved me wrong. I do remember thinking that there was a possiblity that our house would ever be that quiet again. And again at the hospital I remember thinking as we got on the elevators, that they next time we might be going down as a family of 3. Hmm...all strange thoughts or were they a mother's instinct?
I loved the design of you pack'n'play. It matched your carseat and stroller which Papa Don and Kimmy had already given to us. And it would have matched your high chair and swing. We hadn't bought those yet but we were planning on it once all of your showers were done. Everything was green, brown, and cream colored and would have even matched your nursery. We picked a neutral patter and color scheme just so we could use it again with your little brother or sister. I thought it was more of a boy print and had planned on conning Daddy into buying something just a little bit more girlier if the second baby is girl. But not anymore. There's no doubt in my mine we will use your things if the next baby is a girl.
Here's a picture of Daddy's hard work: Excuse the mess in the background. Our living room had become baby central and there were things everywhere...
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
I've started yet another writing challenge...maybe this time I'll actually finish one??? Oh and Nana and I have started to read the Bible for the next year...one week strong. Really hoping to finish that one!!!
Here's "The First" writing challenge.
What was the first piece of furniture you bought for the nursery?
Daddy and I never really got around to putting together a real nursery for you. We weren't procrastinating. I'm sure you've figured out by now Daddy and I like to procrastinate a lot. Me more than Daddy. I can't tell you the number of times the phrase "Oh, let's just do it tomorrow. We've got time!" HA! But seriously, Daddy and I were on a list to move into a bigger house shortly after your due date at the end of September. They were going to help pay for us to move so Daddy and I planned on using that money to purchase teh furniture for your nursery. Even if we had a nursery planned and ready for you, we were planning on keeping you in our room with us for while. Nana and Papa had purchases your pack'n'play and we got it as a gift at the baby shower about a week before you were born. Daddy put it together and installed your car seat the Tuesday before you were born. I laid on the couch because I was supposed to stay off of my feet until we saw the doctor again that Friday. I kept telling him we didn't need to we still had time. I don't think Daddy will ever believe a word I say the next time I'm pregnant. But I amd so glad Daddy put it all together for you even if you never had the chance to use it. When we left to go to the hospital that Friday Daddy even stopped to grab your car seat but again I tried to tell him we wouldn't need it. Again, he proved me wrong. I do remember thinking that there was a possiblity that our house would ever be that quiet again. And again at the hospital I remember thinking as we got on the elevators, that they next time we might be going down as a family of 3. Hmm...all strange thoughts or were they a mother's instinct?
I loved the design of you pack'n'play. It matched your carseat and stroller which Papa Don and Kimmy had already given to us. And it would have matched your high chair and swing. We hadn't bought those yet but we were planning on it once all of your showers were done. Everything was green, brown, and cream colored and would have even matched your nursery. We picked a neutral patter and color scheme just so we could use it again with your little brother or sister. I thought it was more of a boy print and had planned on conning Daddy into buying something just a little bit more girlier if the second baby is girl. But not anymore. There's no doubt in my mine we will use your things if the next baby is a girl.
Here's a picture of Daddy's hard work: Excuse the mess in the background. Our living room had become baby central and there were things everywhere...
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
Thursday, February 9, 2012
i love you
Cooper,
Just needed to tell you I love you and miss you.
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
Just needed to tell you I love you and miss you.
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
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