A Season of Change

Cooper,

I miss you so much.  I know Daddy does as well.  We've had lots of changes over the past the month.  Daddy is officially getting out of the Air Force.  My heart hurts for him but we are so relieved to be getting out.  Daddy loves his job but after he got hurt almost 4 years ago, he really couldn't everything he was supposed to be able to do.  He's always said he joined to see the world, but then he got stationed 130 miles from home.  He has been able to a few pretty cool places but he's never been able to deploy as much as that idea scares Momma, I know how much he wanted to be able to do that.  Daddy really wanted to stay in and make this his career but he can't.  Even after he got hurt, we tried everything to fix his knee so he could.  But after we lost you, we sort of just gave up and didn't really care.  He just did what needed to be done.  We're going to Texas next month to sort out some of the problems with his knee.  And sometime after that, they should give us an exact date for Daddy's last day as an airman.  We should be here for a few months after that.

Daddy has already started to look for a new job.  I can tell he's excited about starting something new.  He'll still get to do what he's doing know, but just as a civilian.  And there will still be that opportunity for him to travel and see those cool places he's always wanted to see.  And there won't be anyone to tell him no because of his knee.  He's been looking at jobs in Florida.  We've never lived that far from home before.  It's exciting and scary all at the same time.  I'm looking forward to this new adventure with him.  But sad because we won't be close to Nana and Papa and everyone else.  And especially that I won't be able to go and visit you at your special place.  Nana has already promised she'd take good care of it for me.  I'm hoping once we get to Florida, I'll be in a school district or a private school again.  Daddy and I have also been thinking about the idea of me going back to school full time to get my Masters in Reading.  I'm honestly not sure whether or not I really want it anymore.  Everything has changed so much.

I have to go back to work tomorrow.  I'm dreading it.  This time last year, I was excited about it.  I knew I'd be back for about 6 weeks and then be off for a few months because you would finally be here.  I was only back at work for about 2 weeks before I got sick and you came early.  This year I don't know how to feel about it. Ms. Suzy isn't coming back because her husband got a job in Nebraska.  I am so excited for Ms. Suzy and Mr. Marcus, they have some fun exciting new changes in their life as well! And Ms. Janice is finally retiring so she can spend more time with her son and her grandbabies in Texas.  I also found out a bit of information about someone else at work.  I know they've been working towards something at work and it finally happened for them.  I knew it was coming but just not this quickly.  I feel very numb.  Ms. Shirley will still be there and I'm happy about that.  I just hope we are finally together if even for only a few months, she is wonderful and I believe she could handle the room by herself until they could find a replacement for me.  I started working on a few ideas for things I'd really like to change.  I've been looking for some art monthly art projects.  It made me sad to think about because I'll never get a art project from you.  I love art projects.  I'm sure our refrigerator would have been covered in your masterpieces.  I don't think I could have thrown any of them away and I would have had a big box of all of them.

love you to the moon and back, 
Momma

Day 4 ~ A picture of your favorite night.

Cooper,

Weeknds just get the best of me sometimes.  I looked up and yesterday was Sunday and I realized I had posted since Thursday and the 'theory' of this challenge is to post every day for 30 days.  So I just don't think weekends are going to happen, bear with me. If I skip the weekends or a day, I'll just pick up where I left off at, no skipping!

I actually don't have a picture from my favorite night....we thought about it later and we should have had a camera up at the hospital the night you were born.  Biggest regret #1...but I can guarentee that we will have one from now. A  friend brought her camera so we have some before you were born.  And then Daddy has a bunch from after you were born and in the NICU.

Here's Momma and Daddy before you were born.  They came in at about 8:00 and said you were coming!  And there's that fancy IV, I was hooked up to for 24 hours!  Super fun! I had Magnesuim Sulfate which was AWESOME (said no one ever)!  I hated getting those.  I was trying really hard not to freak out.  My biggest fear during pregnancy was having to have a c-section. You still hadn't flipped and had you head up in my ribs. In the end, I didn't care I just wanted you there safe and sound.

Daddy dressed up just for you!  The drugs that they had me hooked up to made me very loopy and I kept telling Daddy that he looked like a smurf.  And if you look at the clock behind him, it says 8:34...you were born less than an hour later!  That hour and half felt so looooong.  But once they said 'cut' you were out in about a minute and half!  We were so very ready to finally met you!

This is my FAVORITE FAVORITE FAVORITE picture of you.  Daddy said he held out finger and you opened your just wide enough to see it, grabbed it and closed them again.  It makes you look much smaller than your 4 lbs. 14 oz.  And it looks like you even have a bit of tan...better than Dad's will ever be!  And you clearly have my nose!  That was the first thing I really remember, the doctor held you over the curtain for me to see and I noticed it right away.  Dad said I sort of grunted 'nose' and he didn't really understand what I was saying.  But I finally made out that you had my nose.  I was pretty happy that you got the feature.  You definately started to look more like Daddy but you had my nose. And my feet, I'm so sorry you had my feet, small and fat. 

Here are some of my happenings from that night:

 Kristin was the first one to arrive that night...she took all of the before pictures.  She has two boys and her oldest was also born at 34 weeks and 5 days.  About a month before I had you, she made the comment about having Westin at 34 weeks and 5 days.  And she said it could be less than a month until you arrived and were we ready?  I told her we were NOT ready and you were NOT going to come that early.  The first thing she said when she walked in was "You realize you're 34 weeks and 5 days, right?"  I was eating my words and NOT happy about it.

Later, after they had me prepped and ready to go, they brought dad.  He walked in and just stopped and stared.  By that time, the spinal was starting to work and I couldn't feel anything.  I knew I was erm...naked.  Daddy sat down and I said "Modesty has gone out the window!"  I am an extremely modest person.  Daddy just sort of laughed and said yeah.

After you were born,  I was very adament that he check to make sure you had boy parts and not girl parts.  I think I asked the doctor and all the nurses to please verify that you were a boy and not a girl.  I was still holding out that you were really a she.  I love my boy <3

Much, much, much earlier in my pregnancy, I had also mentioned to Kristin that I was terrified that you were going to be an 'ugly' baby and that no one would tell me the truth.  I made her promise me that she would.  After she finally met, she said that not only were you not an 'ugly' baby but that you were a very cute baby. And she wasn't making it up.  I think it also helped that you didn't have a cone head. A lot of the nurses recognized that fact as well.  But then I'm Momma so of course I'm going to be bias about my own child.

love you to the moon and back,

Momma

Day 3 ~ A picture of the cast from your favorite show

Cooper,

After you died, I didn't do anything for weeks.  And then I needed to take my mind of of everything.  I started recording everything and would spend my days watching the shows I had recorded.  It became like an escape, I didn't have to think for a while.

I've watched Glee from the beginning and it's always been my guilty pleasure.  I love this show.  I'm not sure why I have a fasincation with this show.  I hated high school because I didn't fit in anywhere.  And I can't sing to save my life.  Daddy says I sign loud and off key.  But he's not much of a singer either so he can't be one to talk.  The only time I've really sung was to you in the NICU.  I'd think you liked it because I always sang to you after you were finished eating.  You'd fall asleep quickly.  But then you had a clean diaper, a fully belly, and were snuggled all warm on my chest, I'm prety sure I'd fall asleep pretty quickly too.  Your favorit songs were "You Are My Sunshine" and a little song that Nana used to sing to me when I was a little girl.  When I'm sad, I find myself sing those songs.  And when we come to visit I sing them to you before we leave.

I've loved this show for a long a time as well.  Daddy not so much.  He doesn't like the dry humor.  I hated this show at the beginning of this season because there were 2 new babies born on the show.  I hated seeing pregnant women and new babies.  I remember fast forwarding through those scenes.  And still even now, there are sometimes I still get a little pain in my heart.  I know everytime I see those episodes I will always think back to you.  Watching the show, was one of the first times I think I actually laughed.  And I kept laughing.  Laughing started to feel good and became a normal part of life againe.  And after a while, I didn't feel guilty when I laughed.

This is another show that I've watched from the beginning.  Papa works in the medical field at a big cancer hosputal in Tulsa.  I've always thought that if I wasn't a teacher I would be doing something in the medical field.  This season one of the doctor's decided he want to be a NICU doctor, it wasn't long after you and I could only imagine the plots that would come.  And then Janurary came.  There was anothre doctor on the show and had to have her son early, way earlier than you came. The baby survived the first night and then the first week and I thought that was going to be the end of the plot.  But then a few weeks later, the baby re-entered the show again.  The baby was getting sick very suddenly and was finally diagnosed with NEC. It was kick to my gut.  I became way to emtionally involved with the characters in the plot.  I identified with them way too much.  The plot unfolded for the next three weeks but in the end, the baby didn't make it.  By far the hardest episode I've ever watched.  They have killed off cast members, had bomb scares, and crazed gunmen enter the hospital.  Every unimaginable scenero has most likely been on the show.  But the one plausible episode was the one that brought the tears.


love you to the moon and back,
Momma

Day 2~ A picture of you and the person you have been close with for the longest

Cooper,

Oh goodness, this is your Godmomma and my best friend Kristen.  She was so excited for you! She couldn't wait to meet you.  I know she would have spoiled you rotten.  She is a wonderful teacher and she will make an even better mother one day.  Kristen was one of the first people I told about you.  I can remember the exact place I was standing when I told her.  I had gone to Wal-Mart to print off pictures for my class.  The machine had broken down and I was waiting for them to fix it.  I'm pretty sure we squealled together for a good 5 minutes and people stared as they walked by me.  She also was planning a baby shower for me.  She was wonderful about it. It had to be postpoined several times.  Daddy and I had been down for a wedding the weekend before you were born and we stayed with her.  She was planning the shower for the following weekend on August 20th but it never happened. You came on the 19th instead.  I called her as soon as I knew you were coming.  She started packing while I was still on the phone with her and she arrived shortly after they had moved me in to recovery.  Then, when we found out you were sick, I called her again and she prayed for you like you were her own child.  When we had to bury you, she read a beautiful poem at the service.  And when I decided to participate in March of Dimes two months later, she was the first one to volunteer to walk with me.

Kristen and I met in the fall of 2004 during Rush.  She was starting her sophomore year and I was starting my freshman year.  I was just in awe of how friendly she was with everyone.  I don't think I spoke a single word to her either during that week.  I remember at some point Kathy said that the girls that were sitting around me were going to be the bridesmaids in my wedding.  I thought for sure she was insane but she was right.  Three of my bridesmaids were sitting in that room.  Who would have thought?  Kristen and I became close our second semster of Zeta when she moved into the dorms.  We happened to have the same major as well.  We did EVERYTHING together. We even had the same after school job at Hayes.  She ended up leaving ZTA after a year but she supported my decision to stay in.  She graduated a semster before I did, got married, moved across the country, got her first adult job, all before I finished school. Then I got married Daddy and we moved to Kansas just as she was moving back home to Oklahoma.  We've managed to stay best friends through it all.  We might not get to talk that often or only see each other a few times a year but we pick up exactly where we left off at before.

I don't think I could have ever asked for a better best friend than Kristen.  She has stuck with me through thick and thin.  Before I was created God knew everything that would happen to me in my life.  He knew that I would need a friend like Kristen and I thank Him that he brought such a wonderful person into my life.  I feel so blessed to have her as my best friend.  I looked forward to seeing what God has in store for the both of us in life.



love you to the moon and back,
Momma

Day 1~ A picture of yourself with fifteen facts

Cooper,

I tend to HATE pictures of myself.  I actually really, really like this picture of myself, even if it was taken 4 years ago.  This picture was taken the day I graduated from college...way back in 2008.  I can't believe it's been that long.  4 years, it might not seem like a long time to some people but now sometimes even a day or week can seem extremely long to me.  Sometimes I wish time would hurry up so I can hold you in my arms again.  But there are times where I wish time would slow down more.  Daddy and I still have a lot more living to do before we see you again.

15 Things About Me

1. I'm a wife and a daughter.

2.  I'm an angel momma.  I've got two precious boys.  There's you, Cooper, and your older brother, Colby.

3. I'm also a teacher. One day I'd like to be a reading specialist

4. I like to think I'm crafty sometimes.

5. I like the summertime the BEST. Not a big fan of the cold.

6. Christmas is my favorite holiday, next to July 4th.

7. I love to read.  We have Rubbermaids filled with books, Daddy finally broke down and bought me a Kindle Fire. I love it.

8. I've been to Spain and France.  I wish we could have taken you with us.

9. Daddy and I never got a honeymoon.  We moved to Kansas instead.

10. I worked for Quik Trip for almost 6 years.  That's how Daddy and I met.

11. Daddy and I got married twice. Once in June and again in August.

12.  Daddy and I would really like to move to Florida one day.  SOON, I hope.

13.  Binx is my big furchild.  I take him places with me when I can.

14. I'm extremely shy.  It takes me a while to make new friends.

15.  I miss you every minute of every day.

love you to the moon and back,

Momma

30 Day Challenege

Cooper,

              I really havn't felt so much like writing lately.  But it's always better for me when I can get things out.  I've had some really good days lately, lots in fact.  But the closer we get to August, the more I can feel myself spiraling out of control.  I hate it.  There is so much going on right now and to be quite honest it makes my head spin.  Daddy and I have been doing lots of 'fun' things to take our minds off but they only work for so long before we have to come back to reality.  We aren't nervous about some of these big changes.  We've already been through a lot in our marriage and know that anything someone throws at us, we can and will make it through.  Daddy tends to take it day by day and I on the other hand want to see the entire picture all at once.  I want to know how this is all going to play out for us.  I've got to take a step back and take it day by day again.  In the end, we'll make it where we are going and we'll be okay.  Daddy tells me everyday it's about the journey.  He's one smart daddy!

           Anyways, I havn't felt much like writing but I have been taking lots of pictures.  So I figure why not instead of writing, post my pictures?  Then, a good friend of mine, I believe you have met her sweet littl girl Olivia already, directed to me to monthly photo challenges.  I searched a bit for and found a 30 day photo challenge.  I'm hoping that through it, you might learn just a little bit more about your momma.  There were so many things we wanted to show, teach and let you experience.  I'm hoping that you look down on us and get to experience life just a little bit everyday. 

love you to the moon and back
Momma

What Not to Say

This is a link I found on Faces of Loss pretty soon after Cooper passed away.  After he died, I spent hours and hours trying to find a story like ours.  FOL of has hundreds of stories from mom's who had experienced losing a child.  I spent hours and hours reading their stories.  I hated that we all had the same thing in common but at the same time, it was helpful to know that I wasn't the only one who working through everything.  I posted Cooper's story on their not long after he passed away and you can read it here.   It was all started by a mom who lost her daughter at 27 weeks and has since had her Rainbow.  I found her blog and have followed it since.  I love that she made what is the worst thing a parent will ever have to go through into something that will help other moms.  This is one of my favorite posts that she's made.  I can't tell you the number of things people have that have just been stupid or hurtful.  Most of the time I know they aren't trying to be helpful or insensitive but I wish that they thought more about what they were saying.  My thoughts are italicized again.

"She's in a better place now." Excuse me, but I think she would have had a pretty great life here with me and her Dad. Yeah, she'll never experience sadness or pain, but she'll also never get to experience the wonderful things in life like running through the sprinkler, licking chocolate chip cookie dough off the beater, or going on bike rides with her Dad. And that makes me really, really sad.

Riiight.  Yes, I believe and it's comforting to know Cooper is with God. He'll never get picked on, he'll never feel pain or hurt,  but I'd really rather have him here with me.  I am constantly thinking about things he will never get to do or experience.  Michael and I just got back from San Antonio.  While we were there we went to Sea World.  In the middle of the show with Shamu I started crying.  I am sure people were staring at this crazy lady with tears streaming down her face.  I mean really, who cries at a time like that?  But all I could think about was Cooper would never get to see this.  I'd never get to see his face pressed up against the glass looking at everything, he'd never turn around and give Michael and I a huge smile.  That's seriously what I was thinking about Cooper will never get to see Shamu.

"I know exactly how you feel..." Unless you've lost a baby then no, you don't. And that's okay. Anyone who's experienced a loss of any kind can definitely relate, but no two situations, no two losses are exactly the same.

Don't say it, 'cause you don't and I hope you won't. And even if you have, Cooper wasn't yours. He was MINE. You don't know what it's like to have lost Cooper Michael.

"I don't think I would have the strength to go on if I lost my baby." Yes, you would. Because you have to; there's no other choice. Again, this is probably my crazy over-sensitive side taking over, but this almost insinuates I must not love my baby as much or be as sad as I should be because you would be sadder and more distraught if it happened to you.

I had no choice, there wasn't another option to consider.  There wasn't an option to dig another hole and jump in, Michael wouldn't let me and I wouldn't let him.  So we had to pick ourselves up and start living even if we really didn't want right then.  We're still living and breathing almost 10 months later and we're starting to find reasons again why life is good.

"Everything happens for a reason." I'm sorry, right now I just don't think I'll ever look back and say I'm glad Stevie died. Ever.

I am waiting for the day someone says this to me, try me and see what happens.  I am waiting for the day to ask God "Why Cooper?"  You can bet I'm going to line jump and ask Him that.

"It was probably for the best, she might have had something wrong with her." First of all, she actually didn't have anything "wrong" with her. She was perfect. But if she did have medical issues or disabilities, we would have loved her just the same. I would prefer to have my baby alive and in my arms either way.

We know that if Cooper has survived he would have most definitely had quite a few medical issues as a result of having NEC.  They very well could have followed him for the rest of his life.  But we would have loved him and we would have done anything needed to take care of him.  Michael already had thoughts of re-enlisting in the Air Force to provide for him and to make sure he was going to be taken care of.  Michael was going to put on hold his what he wanted to ensure Cooper was taken care of.

"At least you're still so young..." Yeah because since I'm only 24 (almost 25!) I'm less sad about my daughter dying? I just don't even understand this one.

And that means??? Oh, right, just because I'm young means I can still have kids.  Because that still doesn't make a difference, Cooper's not coming back just because I'm 'young'.  And I bet if you talk to any bereaved parent they will tell you that it has aged them tremendously.  We both feel much older than what or birth certificate says that we are.

"You'll have other kids." Hopefully this is true, but right now I don't just want a kid, I want my kid. The one that I loved and wanted and died. Even when we have other children someday, they will never be Stevie. I will always miss my firstborn.

Yes, hopefully we will but that doesn't change anything.  I loved Cooper. I wanted Cooper.  No child can feel that whole in my heart.

"You're lucky you now have an angel watching over you." Lucky? Seriously? I'm actually feeling like the most unlucky person in the world right now. I don't want an angel, I want my baby. If I'm so lucky, are you hoping your baby turns into an "angel" too? I didn't think so.

Really? Let's see how you would feel if our roles were reversed?  Would you really feel lucky then?  I think I was doing just fine without having an angel.

"God has so much to teach you through this experience." Not saying I'm perfect in any way, or that I don't have things to learn, but I can think of plenty of people who could stand to learn a few things in life that get to keep their babies...I would have much preferred to learn my life lessons in a way that didn't involve my child dying.

Yes there are things I can learn from this but I would have rather not learned those lessons.  And if there were lessons to have learned, weren't there some ways I could have learned them without using Cooper? 

My mother always said that if you can't say something nice, then don't say anything at all.  I think this still applies. We don't need some perfect piece of advice, just be there for us, give us a hug or even a simple "I'm sorry" is wonderful to hear.  And above all, please please please don't say nothing. Just think before you speak.