love you to the moon and back,
Momma
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Day 3 ~ A picture of the cast from your favorite show
Cooper,
After you died, I didn't do anything for weeks. And then I needed to take my mind of of everything. I started recording everything and would spend my days watching the shows I had recorded. It became like an escape, I didn't have to think for a while.
I've watched Glee from the beginning and it's always been my guilty pleasure. I love this show. I'm not sure why I have a fasincation with this show. I hated high school because I didn't fit in anywhere. And I can't sing to save my life. Daddy says I sign loud and off key. But he's not much of a singer either so he can't be one to talk. The only time I've really sung was to you in the NICU. I'd think you liked it because I always sang to you after you were finished eating. You'd fall asleep quickly. But then you had a clean diaper, a fully belly, and were snuggled all warm on my chest, I'm prety sure I'd fall asleep pretty quickly too. Your favorit songs were "You Are My Sunshine" and a little song that Nana used to sing to me when I was a little girl. When I'm sad, I find myself sing those songs. And when we come to visit I sing them to you before we leave.
I've loved this show for a long a time as well. Daddy not so much. He doesn't like the dry humor. I hated this show at the beginning of this season because there were 2 new babies born on the show. I hated seeing pregnant women and new babies. I remember fast forwarding through those scenes. And still even now, there are sometimes I still get a little pain in my heart. I know everytime I see those episodes I will always think back to you. Watching the show, was one of the first times I think I actually laughed. And I kept laughing. Laughing started to feel good and became a normal part of life againe. And after a while, I didn't feel guilty when I laughed.
This is another show that I've watched from the beginning. Papa works in the medical field at a big cancer hosputal in Tulsa. I've always thought that if I wasn't a teacher I would be doing something in the medical field. This season one of the doctor's decided he want to be a NICU doctor, it wasn't long after you and I could only imagine the plots that would come. And then Janurary came. There was anothre doctor on the show and had to have her son early, way earlier than you came. The baby survived the first night and then the first week and I thought that was going to be the end of the plot. But then a few weeks later, the baby re-entered the show again. The baby was getting sick very suddenly and was finally diagnosed with NEC. It was kick to my gut. I became way to emtionally involved with the characters in the plot. I identified with them way too much. The plot unfolded for the next three weeks but in the end, the baby didn't make it. By far the hardest episode I've ever watched. They have killed off cast members, had bomb scares, and crazed gunmen enter the hospital. Every unimaginable scenero has most likely been on the show. But the one plausible episode was the one that brought the tears.
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Day 2~ A picture of you and the person you have been close with for the longest
I don't think I could have ever asked for a better best friend than Kristen. She has stuck with me through thick and thin. Before I was created God knew everything that would happen to me in my life. He knew that I would need a friend like Kristen and I thank Him that he brought such a wonderful person into my life. I feel so blessed to have her as my best friend. I looked forward to seeing what God has in store for the both of us in life.
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Day 1~ A picture of yourself with fifteen facts
Cooper,
I tend to HATE pictures of myself. I actually really, really like this picture of myself, even if it was taken 4 years ago. This picture was taken the day I graduated from college...way back in 2008. I can't believe it's been that long. 4 years, it might not seem like a long time to some people but now sometimes even a day or week can seem extremely long to me. Sometimes I wish time would hurry up so I can hold you in my arms again. But there are times where I wish time would slow down more. Daddy and I still have a lot more living to do before we see you again.
I tend to HATE pictures of myself. I actually really, really like this picture of myself, even if it was taken 4 years ago. This picture was taken the day I graduated from college...way back in 2008. I can't believe it's been that long. 4 years, it might not seem like a long time to some people but now sometimes even a day or week can seem extremely long to me. Sometimes I wish time would hurry up so I can hold you in my arms again. But there are times where I wish time would slow down more. Daddy and I still have a lot more living to do before we see you again.
15 Things About Me
1. I'm a wife and a daughter.
2. I'm an angel momma. I've got two precious boys. There's you, Cooper, and your older brother, Colby.
3. I'm also a teacher. One day I'd like to be a reading specialist
4. I like to think I'm crafty sometimes.
5. I like the summertime the BEST. Not a big fan of the cold.
6. Christmas is my favorite holiday, next to July 4th.
7. I love to read. We have Rubbermaids filled with books, Daddy finally broke down and bought me a Kindle Fire. I love it.
8. I've been to Spain and France. I wish we could have taken you with us.
9. Daddy and I never got a honeymoon. We moved to Kansas instead.
10. I worked for Quik Trip for almost 6 years. That's how Daddy and I met.
11. Daddy and I got married twice. Once in June and again in August.
12. Daddy and I would really like to move to Florida one day. SOON, I hope.
13. Binx is my big furchild. I take him places with me when I can.
14. I'm extremely shy. It takes me a while to make new friends.
15. I miss you every minute of every day.
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
30 Day Challenege
Cooper,
I really havn't felt so much like writing lately. But it's always better for me when I can get things out. I've had some really good days lately, lots in fact. But the closer we get to August, the more I can feel myself spiraling out of control. I hate it. There is so much going on right now and to be quite honest it makes my head spin. Daddy and I have been doing lots of 'fun' things to take our minds off but they only work for so long before we have to come back to reality. We aren't nervous about some of these big changes. We've already been through a lot in our marriage and know that anything someone throws at us, we can and will make it through. Daddy tends to take it day by day and I on the other hand want to see the entire picture all at once. I want to know how this is all going to play out for us. I've got to take a step back and take it day by day again. In the end, we'll make it where we are going and we'll be okay. Daddy tells me everyday it's about the journey. He's one smart daddy!
Anyways, I havn't felt much like writing but I have been taking lots of pictures. So I figure why not instead of writing, post my pictures? Then, a good friend of mine, I believe you have met her sweet littl girl Olivia already, directed to me to monthly photo challenges. I searched a bit for and found a 30 day photo challenge. I'm hoping that through it, you might learn just a little bit more about your momma. There were so many things we wanted to show, teach and let you experience. I'm hoping that you look down on us and get to experience life just a little bit everyday.
love you to the moon and back
Momma
I really havn't felt so much like writing lately. But it's always better for me when I can get things out. I've had some really good days lately, lots in fact. But the closer we get to August, the more I can feel myself spiraling out of control. I hate it. There is so much going on right now and to be quite honest it makes my head spin. Daddy and I have been doing lots of 'fun' things to take our minds off but they only work for so long before we have to come back to reality. We aren't nervous about some of these big changes. We've already been through a lot in our marriage and know that anything someone throws at us, we can and will make it through. Daddy tends to take it day by day and I on the other hand want to see the entire picture all at once. I want to know how this is all going to play out for us. I've got to take a step back and take it day by day again. In the end, we'll make it where we are going and we'll be okay. Daddy tells me everyday it's about the journey. He's one smart daddy!
Anyways, I havn't felt much like writing but I have been taking lots of pictures. So I figure why not instead of writing, post my pictures? Then, a good friend of mine, I believe you have met her sweet littl girl Olivia already, directed to me to monthly photo challenges. I searched a bit for and found a 30 day photo challenge. I'm hoping that through it, you might learn just a little bit more about your momma. There were so many things we wanted to show, teach and let you experience. I'm hoping that you look down on us and get to experience life just a little bit everyday.
love you to the moon and back
Momma
Thursday, June 14, 2012
What Not to Say
This is a link I found on Faces of Loss pretty soon after Cooper passed away. After he died, I spent hours and hours trying to find a story like ours. FOL of has hundreds of stories from mom's who had experienced losing a child. I spent hours and hours reading their stories. I hated that we all had the same thing in common but at the same time, it was helpful to know that I wasn't the only one who working through everything. I posted Cooper's story on their not long after he passed away and you can read it here. It was all started by a mom who lost her daughter at 27 weeks and has since had her Rainbow. I found her blog and have followed it since. I love that she made what is the worst thing a parent will ever have to go through into something that will help other moms. This is one of my favorite posts that she's made. I can't tell you the number of things people have that have just been stupid or hurtful. Most of the time I know they aren't trying to be helpful or insensitive but I wish that they thought more about what they were saying. My thoughts are italicized again.
"She's in a better place now." Excuse me, but I think she would have had a pretty great life here with me and her Dad. Yeah, she'll never experience sadness or pain, but she'll also never get to experience the wonderful things in life like running through the sprinkler, licking chocolate chip cookie dough off the beater, or going on bike rides with her Dad. And that makes me really, really sad.
Riiight. Yes, I believe and it's comforting to know Cooper is with God. He'll never get picked on, he'll never feel pain or hurt, but I'd really rather have him here with me. I am constantly thinking about things he will never get to do or experience. Michael and I just got back from San Antonio. While we were there we went to Sea World. In the middle of the show with Shamu I started crying. I am sure people were staring at this crazy lady with tears streaming down her face. I mean really, who cries at a time like that? But all I could think about was Cooper would never get to see this. I'd never get to see his face pressed up against the glass looking at everything, he'd never turn around and give Michael and I a huge smile. That's seriously what I was thinking about Cooper will never get to see Shamu.
"I know exactly how you feel..." Unless you've lost a baby then no, you don't. And that's okay. Anyone who's experienced a loss of any kind can definitely relate, but no two situations, no two losses are exactly the same.
Don't say it, 'cause you don't and I hope you won't. And even if you have, Cooper wasn't yours. He was MINE. You don't know what it's like to have lost Cooper Michael.
"I don't think I would have the strength to go on if I lost my baby." Yes, you would. Because you have to; there's no other choice. Again, this is probably my crazy over-sensitive side taking over, but this almost insinuates I must not love my baby as much or be as sad as I should be because you would be sadder and more distraught if it happened to you.
I had no choice, there wasn't another option to consider. There wasn't an option to dig another hole and jump in, Michael wouldn't let me and I wouldn't let him. So we had to pick ourselves up and start living even if we really didn't want right then. We're still living and breathing almost 10 months later and we're starting to find reasons again why life is good.
"Everything happens for a reason." I'm sorry, right now I just don't think I'll ever look back and say I'm glad Stevie died. Ever.
I am waiting for the day someone says this to me, try me and see what happens. I am waiting for the day to ask God "Why Cooper?" You can bet I'm going to line jump and ask Him that.
"It was probably for the best, she might have had something wrong with her." First of all, she actually didn't have anything "wrong" with her. She was perfect. But if she did have medical issues or disabilities, we would have loved her just the same. I would prefer to have my baby alive and in my arms either way.
We know that if Cooper has survived he would have most definitely had quite a few medical issues as a result of having NEC. They very well could have followed him for the rest of his life. But we would have loved him and we would have done anything needed to take care of him. Michael already had thoughts of re-enlisting in the Air Force to provide for him and to make sure he was going to be taken care of. Michael was going to put on hold his what he wanted to ensure Cooper was taken care of.
"At least you're still so young..." Yeah because since I'm only 24 (almost 25!) I'm less sad about my daughter dying? I just don't even understand this one.
And that means??? Oh, right, just because I'm young means I can still have kids. Because that still doesn't make a difference, Cooper's not coming back just because I'm 'young'. And I bet if you talk to any bereaved parent they will tell you that it has aged them tremendously. We both feel much older than what or birth certificate says that we are.
"You'll have other kids." Hopefully this is true, but right now I don't just want a kid, I want my kid. The one that I loved and wanted and died. Even when we have other children someday, they will never be Stevie. I will always miss my firstborn.
Yes, hopefully we will but that doesn't change anything. I loved Cooper. I wanted Cooper. No child can feel that whole in my heart.
"You're lucky you now have an angel watching over you." Lucky? Seriously? I'm actually feeling like the most unlucky person in the world right now. I don't want an angel, I want my baby. If I'm so lucky, are you hoping your baby turns into an "angel" too? I didn't think so.
Really? Let's see how you would feel if our roles were reversed? Would you really feel lucky then? I think I was doing just fine without having an angel.
"God has so much to teach you through this experience." Not saying I'm perfect in any way, or that I don't have things to learn, but I can think of plenty of people who could stand to learn a few things in life that get to keep their babies...I would have much preferred to learn my life lessons in a way that didn't involve my child dying.
Yes there are things I can learn from this but I would have rather not learned those lessons. And if there were lessons to have learned, weren't there some ways I could have learned them without using Cooper?
My mother always said that if you can't say something nice, then don't say anything at all. I think this still applies. We don't need some perfect piece of advice, just be there for us, give us a hug or even a simple "I'm sorry" is wonderful to hear. And above all, please please please don't say nothing. Just think before you speak.
My mother always said that if you can't say something nice, then don't say anything at all. I think this still applies. We don't need some perfect piece of advice, just be there for us, give us a hug or even a simple "I'm sorry" is wonderful to hear. And above all, please please please don't say nothing. Just think before you speak.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Support Guide
It's been a while since I have posted. School let out a few weeks ago and I've spent the last two weeks cleaning and packing my room. I had to clear out my room because we aren't sure if we will still be living here in KS by then. Today was my last day of work for a while. I had planned on spending it with Cooper's adopted aunties doing nothing but that all changed when Michael had to have a last minute medical procedure done because of his knee, it was the second one in the last week. We've got our *fingerscrossed* that this one will last longer than 5 days because we are leaving on Tuesday afternoon to drive to Texas for his brother's graduation from BMT. I'm really hoping that find something that help control the pain because 1) I hate seeing Michael hurt like that 2) I hate making almost weekly trips to various doctor's and physical therapy appointments and 3) I just don't think I'm going to be able to drive 10+ hours to Texas on my own.
I've been EXTREMELY frustrated with some of my friends. Friends who are not a part of the BLM community. I am so glad that they were there for Michael and I and I wouldn't trade them for the world. But sometimes I just wish they would get it a little bit more. I found this floating out there in the internet, read it and wished I had found it months ago. The bold is what someone else wrote, the italicized are my thoughts.
For those of you who have lost a loved one, especially a child, you will relate to the following list of 10 things to guide your friends through the tough times. Please share this information with others so they will know not only how to act... but most important, too act! Don’t avoid us!
By Virginia Simpson
1. I am not strong. I'm just numb. When you tell me I'm strong, I feel you don't see me.
Yeah this, doesn't make me feel any better. Watching Cooper get sick and fight for his life and then die, doesn't make me strong. Burying my 9 day old son does not make me strong. None of this makes me strong. I have to do this. I didn't ask for this, I don't want to do this. I didn't get a choice in this.
2. I will not recover. This is not a cold or the flu. I'm not sick. I'm grieving and that's different. I will not always be grieving as intensely, but I will never forget my loved one. Rather than recover, I want to incorporate his life and love into the rest of my life. That person is a part of me and always will be, and sometimes I remember him with joy and other times with tears. Both are ok.
I think this is the hardest for people to understand. We won't get over it. We won't accept it. But one day we will reconcile what happened. In 10 years we will still feel the same as we did the day you left us almost 9 months ago. We will still feel this strongly the day we die. This is hard for me to wrap my mind around. The pain is the same today as it was yesterday and it will be the same tomorrow as well.
3. I don't have to accept the death. Yes, I have to understand that it has happened and it is real, but there are just some things in life that are not acceptable.
This is also hard I know I havn't accepted what happened. But I do know and understand that you are gone and we won't ever have you in this life again. Yes, we will hopefully have other children but not Cooper. Losing him is not acceptable to me or my husband.
4. Please don't avoid me. You can't catch my grief. My world is painful, and when you are too afraid to call me or visit or say anything, you isolate me at a time when I most need to be care about. If you don't know what to say, just come over, give me a hug or touch my arms, and gently say, "I'm sorry." You can even say, "I just don't know what to say, but I care, and want you to know that."
I actually had people avoid me at work and this hurt. A coworker appeared to see me coming down the hall and she panicked and turned the corner. We have since 'made up'. She has a way of making me laugh when I need it. And I appreciate her for that. Also, please don't feel like you have to give us some amazing piece of wisdom that will give us peace or make us feel better. Because that will only happen with time. Don't feel like you have to say anything but if you would like to say something 'I'm sorry' is always a good start. AND under no circumstance is it okay for you to say that you understand or can relate unless you have lost a child. We didn't lose a beloved pet, a grandparent or an uncle or aunt. We lost our 9 day old son. And even if you did lose a child you can relate but you might not understand. I do not understand how Michael feels but I can relate to him better than anyone else because Cooper was our son. I do not understand what it's like to lose a child to a birth defect, SIDS or an accident but I can relate. I can relate when a parent loses their child to an illness and even more so to those that have been touched by NEC but I don't know what they feel like because it's still different. I make every effort when talking to those parents to tell them I can relate to some of the things they are feeling but I still don't completely understand what they are feeling.
5. Please don't call to complain about your husband, your wife, or your children. Right now, I'd be delighted to have my loved one here, no matter what they were doing.
Just don't. I don't even think I need to explain this one. Don't complain to me about about sleepless nights or being spit up on. I would love to be sleep deprived right now. Don't complain to me about your pregnancy symptoms. I would love to be having my rainbow. Just don't do it.
6. Please don’t say, “Call me if you need anything.” I’ll never call you because I have no idea what I need. Trying to figure out what you could do for me takes more energy than I have. So, in advance, let me give you some ideas: a. Bring food b. Offer to take my children to a movie or game so I have some moments to myself c. Send me a card on special holidays, birthdays (mine, his or hers), or the anniversary of his death and make sure you mention his or her name. You can’t make me cry. The tears are here and I will love you for giving me the opportunity to shed them because someone cared enough about me to reach out on this difficult day. d. Ask me more than once to join you at the movies or lunch. I may say “no” at first or even for a while, but please don’t give up on me because somewhere down the line, I may be ready, and if you’ve given up then I really will be alone.
And don't stop after just one time. The first time leaving the house after Cooper's funeral was miserable. And then it got to the point where we didn't want to be in our own house. We would wake up in the morning and leave for hours at a time. We once went to the theaters and saw 4 different movies in one day. It took about 6-7 months for me to want to leave the house without Michael or some other family member. And if Michael didn't go with me I would call or text him a lot, just to check in with him. I hated to be away from him for long periods of time. He went back to work before I did and I hated to be myself. I didn't really want to do 'normal' things with my friends for a very long time.. Please, please, please keep asking us or whoever it might be to do things. Or send a card in the mail. I loved and still love when people remember Cooper's special dates. Just knowing someone was thinking of us and took a little bit of their time to say that was wonderful.
7. Try to understand that this is like I’m in a foreign country where I don’t speak the language and have no map to tell me what to do. Even if there were a map, I’m not sure I could understand what it was saying. I’m lost and in a fog. I’m confused.
There is no guide for this. Every grieving parent handles it differently, even Michael and I. What works for him might not work for me and vice versa. And what works for me one day, might not work for me the next day either. The first few months I felt like I was watching everyone go by on a conveyor belt and continuing living their lives. I felt like screaming at them to stop and wait for me. And then one day I stepped out just a little bit to 'test' out life again. Some days I rode on the conveyor belt all day long and somedays I needed to get off. In the first few months we needed to take it day by day or even minute by minute. And even though 9 months later, we have made a lot of progress with our healing we are in no way better. For all we know tomorrow could be much worse. Please be gentle with us.
8. When you tell me what I should be doing, then I feel even more lost and alone. I feel bad enough that my loved one is dead, so please don’t make it worse by telling me I’m not doing this right.
Just DON'T DO THIS!!! I don't tell other BLM what to do. I don't tell them that something they are doing in their grief process is wrong. The entire idea of putting your child in the ground is wrong. Nothing about this is right. So don't tell us that we are doing something wrong.
9. Please don’t tell me that I can have other children or need to start dating again. I’m not ready. And maybe I don’t want to. And besides, what makes you think people are replaceable? They aren’t. Whoever comes after will always be someone different.
Don't do this either. And don't think just because a person might try again so soon after losing their child means that they are trying to replace them either. We won't ever get to have our Cooper again in this life. We have a Cooper shaped hole in our hearts and no child will ever be able to fill it nor do we want another child to fill that place in our hearts. Also under no circumstances is it ever okay to ask us when we are going to try again.
10. I don’t even understand what you mean when you say, “You’ve got to get on with your life.” My life is going on, but it may not look the way you think it should. This will take time and I never will be my old self again. So please just love me as I am today, and know, that with your love and support, the joy will slowly return to my life. But I will never forget – and there will always be times that I cry...
Michael and I won't ever be the same Kendra and Michael we were before Cooper. Don't expect that from us in the future. We are getting better every day, we have our ups and we have our downs. We are essentially learning to walk again. Please be patient.
I've been EXTREMELY frustrated with some of my friends. Friends who are not a part of the BLM community. I am so glad that they were there for Michael and I and I wouldn't trade them for the world. But sometimes I just wish they would get it a little bit more. I found this floating out there in the internet, read it and wished I had found it months ago. The bold is what someone else wrote, the italicized are my thoughts.
For those of you who have lost a loved one, especially a child, you will relate to the following list of 10 things to guide your friends through the tough times. Please share this information with others so they will know not only how to act... but most important, too act! Don’t avoid us!
By Virginia Simpson
1. I am not strong. I'm just numb. When you tell me I'm strong, I feel you don't see me.
Yeah this, doesn't make me feel any better. Watching Cooper get sick and fight for his life and then die, doesn't make me strong. Burying my 9 day old son does not make me strong. None of this makes me strong. I have to do this. I didn't ask for this, I don't want to do this. I didn't get a choice in this.
2. I will not recover. This is not a cold or the flu. I'm not sick. I'm grieving and that's different. I will not always be grieving as intensely, but I will never forget my loved one. Rather than recover, I want to incorporate his life and love into the rest of my life. That person is a part of me and always will be, and sometimes I remember him with joy and other times with tears. Both are ok.
I think this is the hardest for people to understand. We won't get over it. We won't accept it. But one day we will reconcile what happened. In 10 years we will still feel the same as we did the day you left us almost 9 months ago. We will still feel this strongly the day we die. This is hard for me to wrap my mind around. The pain is the same today as it was yesterday and it will be the same tomorrow as well.
3. I don't have to accept the death. Yes, I have to understand that it has happened and it is real, but there are just some things in life that are not acceptable.
This is also hard I know I havn't accepted what happened. But I do know and understand that you are gone and we won't ever have you in this life again. Yes, we will hopefully have other children but not Cooper. Losing him is not acceptable to me or my husband.
4. Please don't avoid me. You can't catch my grief. My world is painful, and when you are too afraid to call me or visit or say anything, you isolate me at a time when I most need to be care about. If you don't know what to say, just come over, give me a hug or touch my arms, and gently say, "I'm sorry." You can even say, "I just don't know what to say, but I care, and want you to know that."
I actually had people avoid me at work and this hurt. A coworker appeared to see me coming down the hall and she panicked and turned the corner. We have since 'made up'. She has a way of making me laugh when I need it. And I appreciate her for that. Also, please don't feel like you have to give us some amazing piece of wisdom that will give us peace or make us feel better. Because that will only happen with time. Don't feel like you have to say anything but if you would like to say something 'I'm sorry' is always a good start. AND under no circumstance is it okay for you to say that you understand or can relate unless you have lost a child. We didn't lose a beloved pet, a grandparent or an uncle or aunt. We lost our 9 day old son. And even if you did lose a child you can relate but you might not understand. I do not understand how Michael feels but I can relate to him better than anyone else because Cooper was our son. I do not understand what it's like to lose a child to a birth defect, SIDS or an accident but I can relate. I can relate when a parent loses their child to an illness and even more so to those that have been touched by NEC but I don't know what they feel like because it's still different. I make every effort when talking to those parents to tell them I can relate to some of the things they are feeling but I still don't completely understand what they are feeling.
5. Please don't call to complain about your husband, your wife, or your children. Right now, I'd be delighted to have my loved one here, no matter what they were doing.
Just don't. I don't even think I need to explain this one. Don't complain to me about about sleepless nights or being spit up on. I would love to be sleep deprived right now. Don't complain to me about your pregnancy symptoms. I would love to be having my rainbow. Just don't do it.
6. Please don’t say, “Call me if you need anything.” I’ll never call you because I have no idea what I need. Trying to figure out what you could do for me takes more energy than I have. So, in advance, let me give you some ideas: a. Bring food b. Offer to take my children to a movie or game so I have some moments to myself c. Send me a card on special holidays, birthdays (mine, his or hers), or the anniversary of his death and make sure you mention his or her name. You can’t make me cry. The tears are here and I will love you for giving me the opportunity to shed them because someone cared enough about me to reach out on this difficult day. d. Ask me more than once to join you at the movies or lunch. I may say “no” at first or even for a while, but please don’t give up on me because somewhere down the line, I may be ready, and if you’ve given up then I really will be alone.
And don't stop after just one time. The first time leaving the house after Cooper's funeral was miserable. And then it got to the point where we didn't want to be in our own house. We would wake up in the morning and leave for hours at a time. We once went to the theaters and saw 4 different movies in one day. It took about 6-7 months for me to want to leave the house without Michael or some other family member. And if Michael didn't go with me I would call or text him a lot, just to check in with him. I hated to be away from him for long periods of time. He went back to work before I did and I hated to be myself. I didn't really want to do 'normal' things with my friends for a very long time.. Please, please, please keep asking us or whoever it might be to do things. Or send a card in the mail. I loved and still love when people remember Cooper's special dates. Just knowing someone was thinking of us and took a little bit of their time to say that was wonderful.
7. Try to understand that this is like I’m in a foreign country where I don’t speak the language and have no map to tell me what to do. Even if there were a map, I’m not sure I could understand what it was saying. I’m lost and in a fog. I’m confused.
There is no guide for this. Every grieving parent handles it differently, even Michael and I. What works for him might not work for me and vice versa. And what works for me one day, might not work for me the next day either. The first few months I felt like I was watching everyone go by on a conveyor belt and continuing living their lives. I felt like screaming at them to stop and wait for me. And then one day I stepped out just a little bit to 'test' out life again. Some days I rode on the conveyor belt all day long and somedays I needed to get off. In the first few months we needed to take it day by day or even minute by minute. And even though 9 months later, we have made a lot of progress with our healing we are in no way better. For all we know tomorrow could be much worse. Please be gentle with us.
8. When you tell me what I should be doing, then I feel even more lost and alone. I feel bad enough that my loved one is dead, so please don’t make it worse by telling me I’m not doing this right.
Just DON'T DO THIS!!! I don't tell other BLM what to do. I don't tell them that something they are doing in their grief process is wrong. The entire idea of putting your child in the ground is wrong. Nothing about this is right. So don't tell us that we are doing something wrong.
9. Please don’t tell me that I can have other children or need to start dating again. I’m not ready. And maybe I don’t want to. And besides, what makes you think people are replaceable? They aren’t. Whoever comes after will always be someone different.
Don't do this either. And don't think just because a person might try again so soon after losing their child means that they are trying to replace them either. We won't ever get to have our Cooper again in this life. We have a Cooper shaped hole in our hearts and no child will ever be able to fill it nor do we want another child to fill that place in our hearts. Also under no circumstances is it ever okay to ask us when we are going to try again.
10. I don’t even understand what you mean when you say, “You’ve got to get on with your life.” My life is going on, but it may not look the way you think it should. This will take time and I never will be my old self again. So please just love me as I am today, and know, that with your love and support, the joy will slowly return to my life. But I will never forget – and there will always be times that I cry...
Michael and I won't ever be the same Kendra and Michael we were before Cooper. Don't expect that from us in the future. We are getting better every day, we have our ups and we have our downs. We are essentially learning to walk again. Please be patient.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
End of the School Year
Cooper,
I've been thinking a lot lately about what life was a year ago. A year ago, I was scrambling to try to finish all of my home visits before I went on a training. I remember hauling myself in and out of my car, really not that big yet but it was starting to get hot. I had a new assistant teacher as well. I was also trying to get lesson plans laid out for her while I was in Kansas City with Dad. Dad and I ended up really enjoying ourselves while we were there. I look back and I'm so glad that we had that time together, all 3 of us. We spent a lot of time talking about how we couldn't wait until you were finally here and we would bring you back with us. Kansas City isn't that far from us and there were still lots of things we could do with you with us. Dad said he didn't want to be that set of parents who didn't go out and do anything just because they had a kid. Ohhh, he said that then and I *hope* he'll say it again, but I really wouldn't mind if we were that couple who doesn't do anything except stay at home with their baby.
Last year, I couldn't wait for school to be over and finally be on summer break. I know once summer was over and we were back at school that I'd probably only be there for about 4-6 weeks before I left for maternity leave before you came. I think I was back at work for maybe two and a half weeks before my body betrayed me. The end of the school year meant I was just getting closer to finally meeting you!
I spent most of the summer doing things I thought I wasn't going to be able to do, sleep, read, and craft. Binx and I took walks in the morning and late in the evenings when it was cool. I cooked from scratch most nights and even baked a little bit. I was starting to get bigger each day and sleep was definitely getting harder. I spent some of the days making sure our registries were perfect for the upcoming baby showers. There were days when Dad left for work in the mornings and I was already on the computer and by the time he came home in the afternoons I was still sitting there. I ate lunch with Dad most every day thinking that this summer it probably wouldn't be as feasible. We spent the summer trying to do things we didn't think we'd be able to do for a long time.
I also started to look forward to all the different things that you and I would do together. We're were going to go to the pool on base with Kristin and her boys. Randall and Dad would come when they could but it would mostly be Momma and Cooper time. We were going to go to the zoo and look at the animals. You were going to ride the camels and feed the giraffes. And when it got really hot outside, we would go to the gorilla exhibit. Daddy was so excited to be able to take you fishing with Papa Don and Uncle Charlie. He was already trying to find you your first fishing pole. Papa Don and Kimmy had bought floats for you and Norah to use in the pool this summer. And bringing you home with us! I couldn't wait to bring you home with us! Papa Don has the BEST parties during the summer and this summer was going to be the best with two new Sala grandbabies.
It wasn't supposed to be this way. This wasn't the summer I had imagined.
I'm dreading the end of school and the beginning of summer. I'm not sure how I'm going to fill up my time now. I've got a few craft projects I could finish. I'll probably go back to cooking and baking again for Dad and his co-workers. We'll still go home. We've even been thinking about taking a little trip, just the two of us. I'll continue to go see Adrienne and Compassionate Friends, two things I did not picture myself doing this summer. Dad and I have started a new healthy lifestyle , I might even 'attempt' to lose more weight. It'll probably still be, Binx and I walking around base, this time avoiding the strollers and parks. The end of this school year just means we are getting closer to your first birthday and closer to the anniversary of the day we said good bye.
Hopefully, the end of the next school year will be different.
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
I've been thinking a lot lately about what life was a year ago. A year ago, I was scrambling to try to finish all of my home visits before I went on a training. I remember hauling myself in and out of my car, really not that big yet but it was starting to get hot. I had a new assistant teacher as well. I was also trying to get lesson plans laid out for her while I was in Kansas City with Dad. Dad and I ended up really enjoying ourselves while we were there. I look back and I'm so glad that we had that time together, all 3 of us. We spent a lot of time talking about how we couldn't wait until you were finally here and we would bring you back with us. Kansas City isn't that far from us and there were still lots of things we could do with you with us. Dad said he didn't want to be that set of parents who didn't go out and do anything just because they had a kid. Ohhh, he said that then and I *hope* he'll say it again, but I really wouldn't mind if we were that couple who doesn't do anything except stay at home with their baby.
Last year, I couldn't wait for school to be over and finally be on summer break. I know once summer was over and we were back at school that I'd probably only be there for about 4-6 weeks before I left for maternity leave before you came. I think I was back at work for maybe two and a half weeks before my body betrayed me. The end of the school year meant I was just getting closer to finally meeting you!
I spent most of the summer doing things I thought I wasn't going to be able to do, sleep, read, and craft. Binx and I took walks in the morning and late in the evenings when it was cool. I cooked from scratch most nights and even baked a little bit. I was starting to get bigger each day and sleep was definitely getting harder. I spent some of the days making sure our registries were perfect for the upcoming baby showers. There were days when Dad left for work in the mornings and I was already on the computer and by the time he came home in the afternoons I was still sitting there. I ate lunch with Dad most every day thinking that this summer it probably wouldn't be as feasible. We spent the summer trying to do things we didn't think we'd be able to do for a long time.
I also started to look forward to all the different things that you and I would do together. We're were going to go to the pool on base with Kristin and her boys. Randall and Dad would come when they could but it would mostly be Momma and Cooper time. We were going to go to the zoo and look at the animals. You were going to ride the camels and feed the giraffes. And when it got really hot outside, we would go to the gorilla exhibit. Daddy was so excited to be able to take you fishing with Papa Don and Uncle Charlie. He was already trying to find you your first fishing pole. Papa Don and Kimmy had bought floats for you and Norah to use in the pool this summer. And bringing you home with us! I couldn't wait to bring you home with us! Papa Don has the BEST parties during the summer and this summer was going to be the best with two new Sala grandbabies.
It wasn't supposed to be this way. This wasn't the summer I had imagined.
I'm dreading the end of school and the beginning of summer. I'm not sure how I'm going to fill up my time now. I've got a few craft projects I could finish. I'll probably go back to cooking and baking again for Dad and his co-workers. We'll still go home. We've even been thinking about taking a little trip, just the two of us. I'll continue to go see Adrienne and Compassionate Friends, two things I did not picture myself doing this summer. Dad and I have started a new healthy lifestyle , I might even 'attempt' to lose more weight. It'll probably still be, Binx and I walking around base, this time avoiding the strollers and parks. The end of this school year just means we are getting closer to your first birthday and closer to the anniversary of the day we said good bye.
Hopefully, the end of the next school year will be different.
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
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