Cooper,
My sweet precious little boy.
Today marked 6 days since Daddy or I held you close. I can't believe it's been that long. Yesterday we got our Cooper and Colby Bears in the mail. We knew our Cooper Bear was coming but we didn't expect him until later this week. So to find him sitting in our mailbox last night was a complete surprise. Included was another surprise, Esther's momma sent along a Colby Bear in memory of your big brother. I don't think we've put them down very long since we got them. We spent most of the afternoon on the couch trading him back and forth, laying him on our chests like when we would k-care with you in the NICU. His fur is almost as soft as your hair and skin were. Sometimes I wish he smelled like you.
I can honestly say the worst part of today were the days leading up. I didn't know what to expect. Daddy and I both took the day off from work. Daddy had to take his PT test and I ended up needing to take care of some things at work. I happened to be in a meeting at 11:15, I watched the minute switch and my heart break just a little bit more. After that was over with, we went out to lunch. Of course about 10 minutes after we sat down, they seated a new mom with baby. It was a little boy. The waitress kept gushing over what a beautiful baby he was. It took everything in me to not tear into my purse to find the pictures I keep of you and show them to everyone in the restuarant. We quickly finished up and went to Target to add movies to Daddy's movie collection. Then we came home and napped a bit with Cooper Bear before I needed to head to an appointment with Adrienne. I stopped to get ice cream because Daddy has been so good about not eating sweets, so he could pass his PT test. We enjoyed our ice cream and another nap. Grieving is so tiring. We ate dinner and spent the rest of the evening watching our Tuesday night shows and passing Cooper Bear back and forth.
We had a pretty nasty storm tonight. At one point, I thought the wind, hail and ran were going to blow in our windows. I looked outside and the rain was blowing sideways. The visibility was so bad an SUV was creeping down the street. It rained and hailed like that for quite some time. And then it just stopped. It was raining and hailing one minute and then it just stopped like someone flipped the light switch and it just stopped. I wish there was a switch like for grief to be able to just turn it off when I need to.
I got the montly newsletter from TCF yesterday. There was an article in there about being an unfinished mother. It was perfect timing again. I'm been having a hard time dealing with the fact of whether or not I'm a still a mother. I know I'm a mother. I'm your momma. I'm Colby's momma. But I have nothing to 'mother'. I'm dreading Mother's Day. I've heard about the Mother of Angel Day. But I don't want to be that mother. I didn't ask for this. I want to celebrate Mother's day with my babies, my Cooper and Colby. I worry no one will remember that I'm still someone's mom. I'm going to try and post it on here one day.
Oh and if anyone out there reads this and knows how to add music, do me a favor and leave a comment telling me how to add music, there's a few songs I've been wanting to add to my blog.
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Saturday, February 25, 2012
6 months ago...
Cooper,
Exactly 6 months and 45 minutes ago doctors were confirming that you had NEC. By this time you already had received 2 sets of x-rays and were on vent to help you breathe. They were giving you strong medicene to help with your blood pressure and help you fight off NEC. We had already called everyone we knew and asking for prayers to heal your body.
I remember everytime I touched you, you would let out a little squak that sounded like a goat. You tried opening your eyes for us. But we knew how tired you must have been. You fighting off something so much bigger than we could have ever imagined.
You were so strong, even until then end. You waited for Daddy to get there. We love you and miss you so much.
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
Exactly 6 months and 45 minutes ago doctors were confirming that you had NEC. By this time you already had received 2 sets of x-rays and were on vent to help you breathe. They were giving you strong medicene to help with your blood pressure and help you fight off NEC. We had already called everyone we knew and asking for prayers to heal your body.
I remember everytime I touched you, you would let out a little squak that sounded like a goat. You tried opening your eyes for us. But we knew how tired you must have been. You fighting off something so much bigger than we could have ever imagined.
You were so strong, even until then end. You waited for Daddy to get there. We love you and miss you so much.
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
Friday, February 24, 2012
First Person I Told...
Cooper,
Sweet boy, I've missed you so much. Sunday you would have 6 months old. I've been wondering a lot lately what kind of personality you would have been developing, who you would have looked like more: me or Daddy?, or would you have been a Momma's boy or a Daddy's boy? There are so many things I'd like to have known. I've realized that maybe I spend too much time focusing on what might have been. I've really been thinking more about those precious 9 days we had together. Those were the best 9 days of my life.
Lately, I've also been thinking about what it will be like to love another child as much as we loved you. Daddy and I loved you so much, I can't imagine feeling this way for a second child. I can't wait for teh day to find out what that will be like.
Oh, and here's the next installment for Grieve Out Loud's blog challenge...I've been meaning to do this one for a while. I really like the idea of the challenge. It will help with trying to focus on all of the firsts we had with you instead of thinking about all those firsts we will never have with you.
Who was the first person you told about your pregnancy (besides your significant other)? How far along were you? How did they react?
I'm not exactly sure who I told first. There were a lot of phone calls made that night. :) Daddy actually called it. I didn't think I was pregnant. I didn't think it could happen so quickly a second time. I had to go grocery shopping that night. Daddy was pretty insistant that I buy a pregnancy test when I was there. I kept trying to denying the fact that I was but he wouldn't listen. On my way to go grocery shopping, I called Nana (she was in the middle of teaching her college class that night) and told her Daddy's suspicions. Nana got pretty excited and told me I needed to call her as soon as I knew. I told her not to get her hopes up because I didn't think I was. When I got home, I went ahead and took they test just to prove Daddy wrong. I set the test aside and Daddy and I started eating dinner. A few minutes later, Daddy threw the test at me and said "Congrats momma." I was so shocked to see the word PREGNANT show up so quickly. Daddy and I both agreed we weren't going to publically announce anything just because we were afraid to lose again.
I think right after that I called my boss, Janice to tell her I would late the next morning. I was so excited it sort of just spilled out. Janice was super excited. I don't think she cared when I ended up being late 3 mornings in a row to get all the blood tests done and appointments with my OB set up. I had to go back to Wal-Mart again that night because I forgot to print of some pictures for my classroom. I called Nana back and she was in the middle of teaching, literally, she answered anyway. She was so excited about you that she told the rest of her class right away that she was going to be a Nana again! I called Papa after that, I think he was too tired to even understand what I was saying but he was pretty excited about it either way. Then I called Amber because we found out on her birthday, Janruary 25. I asked if she would mind waiting for her birthday present a few more months. It took her awhile but she finally understood what I was saying. I also called Kristin, she was just as excited. She knew how much we wanted you. And then I called, you Godmomma, Kristen. I wasn't able to tell her until I was actually in Wal-Mart in the photo center. I can even remember the exact spot I where I was standing when I told her. Somtimes, when I pass by that spot it takes me back and I feel like I'm there telling her I'm pregnant again.
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
Sweet boy, I've missed you so much. Sunday you would have 6 months old. I've been wondering a lot lately what kind of personality you would have been developing, who you would have looked like more: me or Daddy?, or would you have been a Momma's boy or a Daddy's boy? There are so many things I'd like to have known. I've realized that maybe I spend too much time focusing on what might have been. I've really been thinking more about those precious 9 days we had together. Those were the best 9 days of my life.
Lately, I've also been thinking about what it will be like to love another child as much as we loved you. Daddy and I loved you so much, I can't imagine feeling this way for a second child. I can't wait for teh day to find out what that will be like.
Oh, and here's the next installment for Grieve Out Loud's blog challenge...I've been meaning to do this one for a while. I really like the idea of the challenge. It will help with trying to focus on all of the firsts we had with you instead of thinking about all those firsts we will never have with you.
Who was the first person you told about your pregnancy (besides your significant other)? How far along were you? How did they react?
I'm not exactly sure who I told first. There were a lot of phone calls made that night. :) Daddy actually called it. I didn't think I was pregnant. I didn't think it could happen so quickly a second time. I had to go grocery shopping that night. Daddy was pretty insistant that I buy a pregnancy test when I was there. I kept trying to denying the fact that I was but he wouldn't listen. On my way to go grocery shopping, I called Nana (she was in the middle of teaching her college class that night) and told her Daddy's suspicions. Nana got pretty excited and told me I needed to call her as soon as I knew. I told her not to get her hopes up because I didn't think I was. When I got home, I went ahead and took they test just to prove Daddy wrong. I set the test aside and Daddy and I started eating dinner. A few minutes later, Daddy threw the test at me and said "Congrats momma." I was so shocked to see the word PREGNANT show up so quickly. Daddy and I both agreed we weren't going to publically announce anything just because we were afraid to lose again.
I think right after that I called my boss, Janice to tell her I would late the next morning. I was so excited it sort of just spilled out. Janice was super excited. I don't think she cared when I ended up being late 3 mornings in a row to get all the blood tests done and appointments with my OB set up. I had to go back to Wal-Mart again that night because I forgot to print of some pictures for my classroom. I called Nana back and she was in the middle of teaching, literally, she answered anyway. She was so excited about you that she told the rest of her class right away that she was going to be a Nana again! I called Papa after that, I think he was too tired to even understand what I was saying but he was pretty excited about it either way. Then I called Amber because we found out on her birthday, Janruary 25. I asked if she would mind waiting for her birthday present a few more months. It took her awhile but she finally understood what I was saying. I also called Kristin, she was just as excited. She knew how much we wanted you. And then I called, you Godmomma, Kristen. I wasn't able to tell her until I was actually in Wal-Mart in the photo center. I can even remember the exact spot I where I was standing when I told her. Somtimes, when I pass by that spot it takes me back and I feel like I'm there telling her I'm pregnant again.
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
Saturday, February 11, 2012
"The First"
Cooper,
I've started yet another writing challenge...maybe this time I'll actually finish one??? Oh and Nana and I have started to read the Bible for the next year...one week strong. Really hoping to finish that one!!!
Here's "The First" writing challenge.
What was the first piece of furniture you bought for the nursery?
Daddy and I never really got around to putting together a real nursery for you. We weren't procrastinating. I'm sure you've figured out by now Daddy and I like to procrastinate a lot. Me more than Daddy. I can't tell you the number of times the phrase "Oh, let's just do it tomorrow. We've got time!" HA! But seriously, Daddy and I were on a list to move into a bigger house shortly after your due date at the end of September. They were going to help pay for us to move so Daddy and I planned on using that money to purchase teh furniture for your nursery. Even if we had a nursery planned and ready for you, we were planning on keeping you in our room with us for while. Nana and Papa had purchases your pack'n'play and we got it as a gift at the baby shower about a week before you were born. Daddy put it together and installed your car seat the Tuesday before you were born. I laid on the couch because I was supposed to stay off of my feet until we saw the doctor again that Friday. I kept telling him we didn't need to we still had time. I don't think Daddy will ever believe a word I say the next time I'm pregnant. But I amd so glad Daddy put it all together for you even if you never had the chance to use it. When we left to go to the hospital that Friday Daddy even stopped to grab your car seat but again I tried to tell him we wouldn't need it. Again, he proved me wrong. I do remember thinking that there was a possiblity that our house would ever be that quiet again. And again at the hospital I remember thinking as we got on the elevators, that they next time we might be going down as a family of 3. Hmm...all strange thoughts or were they a mother's instinct?
I loved the design of you pack'n'play. It matched your carseat and stroller which Papa Don and Kimmy had already given to us. And it would have matched your high chair and swing. We hadn't bought those yet but we were planning on it once all of your showers were done. Everything was green, brown, and cream colored and would have even matched your nursery. We picked a neutral patter and color scheme just so we could use it again with your little brother or sister. I thought it was more of a boy print and had planned on conning Daddy into buying something just a little bit more girlier if the second baby is girl. But not anymore. There's no doubt in my mine we will use your things if the next baby is a girl.
Here's a picture of Daddy's hard work: Excuse the mess in the background. Our living room had become baby central and there were things everywhere...
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
I've started yet another writing challenge...maybe this time I'll actually finish one??? Oh and Nana and I have started to read the Bible for the next year...one week strong. Really hoping to finish that one!!!
Here's "The First" writing challenge.
What was the first piece of furniture you bought for the nursery?
Daddy and I never really got around to putting together a real nursery for you. We weren't procrastinating. I'm sure you've figured out by now Daddy and I like to procrastinate a lot. Me more than Daddy. I can't tell you the number of times the phrase "Oh, let's just do it tomorrow. We've got time!" HA! But seriously, Daddy and I were on a list to move into a bigger house shortly after your due date at the end of September. They were going to help pay for us to move so Daddy and I planned on using that money to purchase teh furniture for your nursery. Even if we had a nursery planned and ready for you, we were planning on keeping you in our room with us for while. Nana and Papa had purchases your pack'n'play and we got it as a gift at the baby shower about a week before you were born. Daddy put it together and installed your car seat the Tuesday before you were born. I laid on the couch because I was supposed to stay off of my feet until we saw the doctor again that Friday. I kept telling him we didn't need to we still had time. I don't think Daddy will ever believe a word I say the next time I'm pregnant. But I amd so glad Daddy put it all together for you even if you never had the chance to use it. When we left to go to the hospital that Friday Daddy even stopped to grab your car seat but again I tried to tell him we wouldn't need it. Again, he proved me wrong. I do remember thinking that there was a possiblity that our house would ever be that quiet again. And again at the hospital I remember thinking as we got on the elevators, that they next time we might be going down as a family of 3. Hmm...all strange thoughts or were they a mother's instinct?
I loved the design of you pack'n'play. It matched your carseat and stroller which Papa Don and Kimmy had already given to us. And it would have matched your high chair and swing. We hadn't bought those yet but we were planning on it once all of your showers were done. Everything was green, brown, and cream colored and would have even matched your nursery. We picked a neutral patter and color scheme just so we could use it again with your little brother or sister. I thought it was more of a boy print and had planned on conning Daddy into buying something just a little bit more girlier if the second baby is girl. But not anymore. There's no doubt in my mine we will use your things if the next baby is a girl.
Here's a picture of Daddy's hard work: Excuse the mess in the background. Our living room had become baby central and there were things everywhere...
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
Thursday, February 9, 2012
i love you
Cooper,
Just needed to tell you I love you and miss you.
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
Just needed to tell you I love you and miss you.
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
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