Christmas Eve

Cooper,

I never thought we would ever get here.  This is the one day I've been dreading since you've been gone.  We've had to grieve about the loss of you and also the dreams we've had for you.  Not a day goes by that I don't think about something we should have been doing with you.  We SHOULD be at home in Oklahoma with family and friends.  We SHOULD have taken you to see your very first Christmas lights.  We SHOULD have taken you to see Santa with Norah.  We SHOULD have picked out your 1st Christmas ornament as a family.  We SHOULD have taken a picture of you and Binx by the tree. We SHOULD have gone Christmas shopping for you.  We SHOULD have picked out the sweetest Christmas pajamas for you.  We SHOULD be taking you to your Mimi's Christmas Eve party and everyone SHOULD be fighting to hold you.  We SHOULD be happy.  Instead, we avoid everyone and are still in Kansas, planning to leave as late as possible.  Instead, we won't go see Christmas lights this year.  Instead, I rushed past the long line of kids waiting to see Santa, hoping no one would see my tears.  Instead, I picked out a memory ornament for you.  Instead, it was just Binx by the tree.  Instead, we bought a Christmas Swag to lay on your grave.  Instead, I picked out pajamas for Norah with monkeys from you.  Instead, I'm plotting on how I can get through that party with a little help from my good friend wine.  Instead, I'm trying to hide the tears and appear to be strong.
At Thanksgiving, when we went home, it was like you have never happened.  No one asked how we were doing except for family.  I want so badly for them to ask how we are doing.  I want them to know that almost 4 months later we are still devastated by the loss of you, our sweet boy. 

I do not know what I'm supposed to do. I'm happy you don't hurt any more and that you won't ever have to hurt.  But I don't know how to make this better for me or your daddy.  I'm sobbing so hard right now, I don't think I've cried this hard in a long time.  My chest hurts so much.  My heart is breaking...

love you to the moon and back,
Cooper

Dear Santa,

Dear Santa,


I'm writing this letter from me to you.  I hope you don't think I'm asking to much of you.  You visit us every year and leave us such wonderful things, but I'm wondering do you visit all the children who have wings?  I know your so very busy, so much to do in one night, but could you please make an extra trip to the stars that shine so bright?  You see my baby lives up there, just to perfect for life on Earth, please leave them a gift and put a stocking on their cloud, filled with precious presents from their family on the ground.  Please stroke their sleepy head and tell my baby I miss them so, that my heart aches with sadness and tears just seems to flow.  If you could do this for me Santa I may even be able to smile, even if it is just for a little while.  So thank you very much Santa for all that you do, after all it is Christmas in Heaven too.

~ Author Unknown

Cooper,


Well I know I shouldn't have done it but I did.  I put of all the Christmas shopping until the last minute.  Today is exactly 1 week until Christmas.  It was extremely busy every where I went.  I used to be patient and things didn't bother me but not as much since you've been gone.  My patience was short this afternoon. Best Buy is run by some stupid people.  I will avoid that place for a very long time.

I finally went in to Toys R Us.  I went shopping for Norah there.  I tried to avoid the little boys section but it was pretty much unavoidable.  I love see monkeys because it reminds me so much of you.  But today I swear they were everywhere and it was just too upsetting to see. I all but lost it.  As I'm sure it would be very odd to see someone standing in the middle of the store clutching monkey socks and bawling their eyes out.  I picked something out for you to 'give' to Norah and Daddy.  I'm sure they will love them.  I also picked out a special something for you as well.  We'll bring it out to you on Christmas Day.

Your daddy is finally home! I'm so excited he is finally back home with me.  I gave him one of his Christmas presents early today.  And I'm pretty sure he's enjoying it a little too much.  I bought him a new keyboard that's made especially for playing computer games with Vent.  He's such a little kid, he had to hook it up right away.  I know how much he was looking forward to introducing you to his video games.  I'm sure if you were around he'd have you sitting on his lap playing them now.  You used to kick me when I played mine this summer.  I know you would have loved them just as much as we do.

love you my little monkey,
Momma

Then and Now

Cooper,

I went back and read some of the entries I made about a month after you were born.  I can't believe I've come this far.  I didn't think I'd be standing but here I am.  I'm breathing AND standing!

My days are starting to get better. I'm beginning slowly to see that there is a light at the end of this tunnel.  But I was talking with my therapist today that I don't really think I'll ever come back from this.  I'll recover but I won't be the same me.  Having you and watching you pass away has completely changed me.  I think about everything completely differently now.  Daddy says I'm much more matter of fact and get straight to the point.  I don't let people run me over.  Who would have thought you would do that to me? I'm too much of people pleaser and really want people to like me.  Now I really don't care, this is me.  I've lost my son.  You're either in my life or not.

I'm beginning to even want to go out and do things. Daddy and I are actually thinking about taking a trip together for my Spring Break?  Do you know the last time we took a trip.  That would be never.  We never got our honeymoon.  And we thought for sure that we wouldn't be able to go anywhere until he got out.  I think we are starting to live in the moment and cherish each other even more.  I'm not sure where we will go or if we will even go but it's having something to think about and look forward too.

love you Monkey,
Momma

Since he's been gone,

Cooper,

You daddy's gone for the first time since you've been gone.  I've been surprised with myself.  I didn't cry when I dropped him off or for the rest of the day.  I havn't cried about him being gone at all. I've only cried for you.  I remember the last time he left was just a few weeks after we found out we were expecting you.  I cried for days not having him there with me, with us.  I also remember picking him up at the airport thinking that one day it would be the two of us going to pick him.  I couldn't wait.  I guess in way you still go with me to drop him off and pick him.  And you even get to go with him.  If you're there with him now I hope you are enjoying yourself.

While he's been gone, I've just kept to myself.  I know your daddy would want me to get out and see friends but I just don't want to.  I went to Kristin's last night and I suppose I'll go over there again tonight but I'd rather be by myself.

We put of the tree before we left.  I was really looking forward to starting family traditions with you here.  Daddy and I talk about what we'll do when your siblings are finally here.  I like to think about it.  I went out to try and find the perfect ornament for you. It's part of our new tradition.   An ornament for each of kids every year.  You might not be here with us but you will get your own ornament every year.  I couldn't find the right one so I've decided I'm going to make it.  Mimi gave us an ornament holder last year and I think I'll put your ornament for that year on it.  You doctor from Wesley also sent us an ornament.  It has your name and birthday and Angelversary on it.  I put it right on top next to Baby Sala's ornament we got last year.  I've been forcing myself to do Christmassy things this year. Listening to music, finding the right gifts, going to parties, etc.  I wish you dad was here... Hopefully he'll be back before Christmas.

love you sweet boy,
Momma