Cooper,
The first major holiday since you've left has come and gone. I thought I would be 'okay' up until the point when we crossed over into Oklahoma on our way home. After that it was all just downhill from there. Wednesday night we went to Papa Don's and Kimmy's and I cried most of the way there knowing your cousin was inside sleeping. And I sat there and cried for what seemed forever. We went out to see the new Muppet movie with your Uncle Matt and Aunt Kisha. The next day was just as bad. We got to your Papa Don's and Kimmy's before anyone else. I started tearing up almost immediately and wondered off to be by myself and I found where they put up your picture. I think I sat there and stared at it forever. Daddy finally came and found me and we walked and talked for a bit. We we came back I had a nice talk with Aunt Kisha and told her some of the things I was feeling. She was really understanding about it. I mean there is no handbook for situations like this.
Friday morning, we went and picked out your headstone. It's not what we orginally thought we would get for you. I wouldn't say I love it or think it's perfect because well it's your headstone. Not exactly what I thought I'd be shopping for this Black Friday at all. But I think it's nice. We went out and visited you after that was all done. You have some 'over zealous' neighbors. I was a little upset by the fact that I feel like they took some of your space. I really want your headstone up so we know it's your little piece of land. I think they put a few things on your grave. I don't know if they did to be nice or if they think no one visits you. But part of me just wants to to tell them we aren't bad parents but that your Daddy has a very important job to do and we wanted you to be surrounded by family that we knew would visit you. It breaks my heart that I can't come out there more. But I know you aren't there and you are watching over us. The rest of the day was pretty uneventful we pretty much napped the rest of the day and then went out with some friends.
The next day we had another Thanksgiving. I actually held Norah. I wasn't avoiding holding her but I also wasn't trying to hold her either. It was pretty uneventful for the most part. I think everyone was sort of shocked that I held her. I felt like everyone was watching and holding their breath to see how I would react, if I would be okay with holding her. Sunday was also pretty uneventful, Daddy and I had pictures taken and then we headed back home. We gave Binx a bath and just did nothing.
Today was hard though. I feel all of this grief has come from out of nowhere. I still hurt but it seems like the last few days I cry a lot more often and then a mother saw your story on Faces of Loss. She sent me an e-mail and there were little details about what happened that are quite similar to her's story. I have feeling you met a new friend recently. I have a feeling that you make lots of friends.
I'm going to see another doctor on Thursday to see about making you a big brother. It's hard to think that your Daddy and I are talking about babies and trying for another. It's unreal. I can promise you that any brothers or sisters you have, they will know all about you 9 days you spent here on Earth with us. Those were 9 greatest and happiest days of my life. I loved and will continue to love being your Momma.
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
Monday, November 28, 2011
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Thanksgiving...
Cooper,
We're going home for Thanksgiving in a few hours. Dad is still at work and I'm supposed to be doing laundry but I'm procrastinating. I ran to the post office this morning and brought Binx with me. He loves his car rides. I was almost home and I was thinking/imagining to myself what it would have been like to have him and you in the car. And then I thought well Binx for sure wouldn't have been in the car because he takes up too much space. And the it hit me, the reason why I was going to the post office: to send a check to pay for the shirts we had made for March for Babies and sending a little gift to another babyloss momma. It hit me, if I still had you I wouldn't be going to the post office today. Instead I'm be at home, probably packing everything you own because I wouldn't know what you would need and what you wouldn't need. Of course we'd have some of the stuff in Oklahoma. But it's stuck in my mind now. I feel like sometimes I'm living in this cruel parallel world, the one where you're not here and there's a second one where you survived or even a 3rd and 4th one where you didn't come early and the other where you didn't get sick. I personally would have chosen the 3rd or 4th but here I am stuck in the one where you're not here.
One day I hope to get out or move in the one where there are babies for me and your dad until then I'm stuck here without you.
love you,
Momma
We're going home for Thanksgiving in a few hours. Dad is still at work and I'm supposed to be doing laundry but I'm procrastinating. I ran to the post office this morning and brought Binx with me. He loves his car rides. I was almost home and I was thinking/imagining to myself what it would have been like to have him and you in the car. And then I thought well Binx for sure wouldn't have been in the car because he takes up too much space. And the it hit me, the reason why I was going to the post office: to send a check to pay for the shirts we had made for March for Babies and sending a little gift to another babyloss momma. It hit me, if I still had you I wouldn't be going to the post office today. Instead I'm be at home, probably packing everything you own because I wouldn't know what you would need and what you wouldn't need. Of course we'd have some of the stuff in Oklahoma. But it's stuck in my mind now. I feel like sometimes I'm living in this cruel parallel world, the one where you're not here and there's a second one where you survived or even a 3rd and 4th one where you didn't come early and the other where you didn't get sick. I personally would have chosen the 3rd or 4th but here I am stuck in the one where you're not here.
One day I hope to get out or move in the one where there are babies for me and your dad until then I'm stuck here without you.
love you,
Momma
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Lately...
Cooper,
Yesterday you would have 3 months old. Daddy and I spent it couch shopping. Strange I know but it at least it gave us something to occupy our minds. We didn't plan on buying a couch but we got one heck of a good deal on it. They already have black Friday deals out. That drive me CrAzY son. I hate when they bring out Christmas things before Thanksgiving. But then again, I'm not exactly looking forward to Christmas this year.
Maybe next year...
I've decided to redecorate the living room. Another thing to occupy my mind until we can think about adding to our family. Sooner rather than later of course. And it all hinges on what the High Risk doctor says, we go see her on Dec. 1. I've started pretty slowly. Just the couch and a piece of wall art to hang above it. It'll be pretty slow going but we want to make our house a home. Pretty tired of feeling like we're just a couple of college students.
We're going home next week for Thanksgiving. I'm sort of dreading it. Most people say it's the days leading up to holidays that are the worse than the day itself. I sure hope so. We're getting pictures made and I can't help but think you should be in them with us. I keep thinking one day but then I remember no, Cooper will never be in them with us, it'll be a brother or sister but not Cooper.
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
Yesterday you would have 3 months old. Daddy and I spent it couch shopping. Strange I know but it at least it gave us something to occupy our minds. We didn't plan on buying a couch but we got one heck of a good deal on it. They already have black Friday deals out. That drive me CrAzY son. I hate when they bring out Christmas things before Thanksgiving. But then again, I'm not exactly looking forward to Christmas this year.
Maybe next year...
I've decided to redecorate the living room. Another thing to occupy my mind until we can think about adding to our family. Sooner rather than later of course. And it all hinges on what the High Risk doctor says, we go see her on Dec. 1. I've started pretty slowly. Just the couch and a piece of wall art to hang above it. It'll be pretty slow going but we want to make our house a home. Pretty tired of feeling like we're just a couple of college students.
We're going home next week for Thanksgiving. I'm sort of dreading it. Most people say it's the days leading up to holidays that are the worse than the day itself. I sure hope so. We're getting pictures made and I can't help but think you should be in them with us. I keep thinking one day but then I remember no, Cooper will never be in them with us, it'll be a brother or sister but not Cooper.
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Busy, busy...
Cooper,
It's been awhile hasn't it sweet boy? I havn't forgotten about our messages. I've been seening monkeys everywhere lately it seems. Everytime I see one I smile thinking of you.
Mommy and Daddy have been really busy lately. Daddy had surgery to fix the horrible headaches he's been having for the last few months. And we think it worked! Now Daddy has been going to the gym almost everyday to get ready for his PT test next month. We REALLY need him to pass. He's also been going to physical therapy to help with his knee again. I really hope this works and he won't have to have surgery again. He's alreay had surgery on that knee 3 times.
I did March for Babies a few weekends back. It was hard because most of the people were walking in celebration of their babies. And we were walking in memory of you. We raised almost $1500 in your name. I was so happy. We even got a little plaque for being the in the top 5 for fundraising. Daddy and I are going to try and walk in your memory every year.
Mommy and Daddy have exciting news. We are finally moving! We had some issues getting a new house since your grew you wings early. It's not the house we had hoped for but it's nicer than what we are in now and it's a good new start for us. We are even getting the keys to the new house on my birthday. I wish you could be here for that. I've been having a hard time with the packing. I keep putting it off because I know we are going to have to pack up all of you belongings and there won't be a reason to unpack them. Daddy started taking your clothes out of his closet and into your pack'n'play. You never used any of your things but I still consider them your things. One day we might give them to your little brother. If not, I'm not sure what we will ever do with them. I don't think I'd ever be able to give away your clothes. The week you were in the hospital, your Daddy didn't want me to do a whole lot except rest in preperation for you to come home. I wanted to clean so badly but he said no. I finally got fed up with it. The day before you got sick I sorted through all of your clothes and divided them in piles by months. And they've stayed there just like that.
We miss you baby, I would do anything to be able to hold you in my arms and make it all better. I'm sorry Momma and Daddy couldn't fix you. We tried and I know the doctors and nurses did everything.
love you forever,
Momma
It's been awhile hasn't it sweet boy? I havn't forgotten about our messages. I've been seening monkeys everywhere lately it seems. Everytime I see one I smile thinking of you.
Mommy and Daddy have been really busy lately. Daddy had surgery to fix the horrible headaches he's been having for the last few months. And we think it worked! Now Daddy has been going to the gym almost everyday to get ready for his PT test next month. We REALLY need him to pass. He's also been going to physical therapy to help with his knee again. I really hope this works and he won't have to have surgery again. He's alreay had surgery on that knee 3 times.
I did March for Babies a few weekends back. It was hard because most of the people were walking in celebration of their babies. And we were walking in memory of you. We raised almost $1500 in your name. I was so happy. We even got a little plaque for being the in the top 5 for fundraising. Daddy and I are going to try and walk in your memory every year.
Mommy and Daddy have exciting news. We are finally moving! We had some issues getting a new house since your grew you wings early. It's not the house we had hoped for but it's nicer than what we are in now and it's a good new start for us. We are even getting the keys to the new house on my birthday. I wish you could be here for that. I've been having a hard time with the packing. I keep putting it off because I know we are going to have to pack up all of you belongings and there won't be a reason to unpack them. Daddy started taking your clothes out of his closet and into your pack'n'play. You never used any of your things but I still consider them your things. One day we might give them to your little brother. If not, I'm not sure what we will ever do with them. I don't think I'd ever be able to give away your clothes. The week you were in the hospital, your Daddy didn't want me to do a whole lot except rest in preperation for you to come home. I wanted to clean so badly but he said no. I finally got fed up with it. The day before you got sick I sorted through all of your clothes and divided them in piles by months. And they've stayed there just like that.
We miss you baby, I would do anything to be able to hold you in my arms and make it all better. I'm sorry Momma and Daddy couldn't fix you. We tried and I know the doctors and nurses did everything.
love you forever,
Momma
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