Cooper,
Many times I have no idea what to tell about. I've actually started a list on my phone of things I should tell you and start writing them in my head but by the time I get the chance to really start writing them out, they are gone. I blame the grief.
That's were The First comes in. It's a blog challenge I found a couple months back. I like that it's open ended and can tell some of the happier times with you. It helps that my brain doesn't have to think that much.
Here's another one of your firsts... What was your baby’s first nickname?
Daddy came up with it, he called you The Spawn. Most people see their little babies wiggling and moving on the ultrasound and give them cute nicknames like Peanut or Gummy Bear. And instead we called you The Spawn, really what was Dad thinking??? Daddy was in South Korea when I went for my first visit and ultrasound so he didn't get to go with me. We skyped the entire time he was gone. Even with him being half way around the world, we were still on opposite schedules, I tried staying up late to be able to talk to him but I was just so tired all the time. I turned the volume up really loud on the computer and when I heard him trying to call, I flew to the next room to answer his call. It's funny to think that Daddy saw you for the first time at 3 in the morning half way around the world. I hung that picture up on the refrigerator and didn't take it down until we moved out of the house in November. And when we moved into the new house, it went right back up. The Spawn fit even more perfectly when I first started to feel you kick and move. It was the weirdest feeling ever. The best way I could explain it to Daddy is that it felt like an alien inside of me. It got much weird the bigger your moving became, later we were able to seeparts of you stick out of my stomach. You were our little Spawn.
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
Friday, April 20, 2012
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Happy 8 months Cooper!
Cooper,
Today as I did Calender with my kids I choked back the fact that you would have been 8 months old today and as I say this every month, I wonder what new things you would be doing? I have several friends who had their kids in August around the time you were born so I have small glimpses of what it would have been like to have an 8 month old. Lately instead of thinking about what it would have been like to have a healthy 8 month old around, I've been thinking a lot what it would have been like had you beat NEC. What kind of complications would you have been dealing with, feeding tubes and/or coleostomy bags? Would there have been any other problems just because you were born early? How many doctor's visits would we be going to each month? Physical therapy? What would life have been like with a child's whose health is compromised? We'd do anything to have that again. I would have given up teaching just to take care of you.
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
Today as I did Calender with my kids I choked back the fact that you would have been 8 months old today and as I say this every month, I wonder what new things you would be doing? I have several friends who had their kids in August around the time you were born so I have small glimpses of what it would have been like to have an 8 month old. Lately instead of thinking about what it would have been like to have a healthy 8 month old around, I've been thinking a lot what it would have been like had you beat NEC. What kind of complications would you have been dealing with, feeding tubes and/or coleostomy bags? Would there have been any other problems just because you were born early? How many doctor's visits would we be going to each month? Physical therapy? What would life have been like with a child's whose health is compromised? We'd do anything to have that again. I would have given up teaching just to take care of you.
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
Friday, April 13, 2012
Just Those Few Weeks
Cooper,
We only had you for 9 days but they were the best days of our life. The 34 weeks I was pregnant with you were also some of the best montsh of my life. I have so many happy memories of being pregnant with you, going places and seeing things. Looking forward to the day when you wouold be able to share them with us. We had so many things planned for you. Daddy was going to take you fishing with Papa Don. I was going to teach you how to read. And we were going to take you Disney World.
We have different dreams for you know. We want to raise money so this doesn't happy to other babies. We want to be able to help other mommies and daddies who those their little boys and girls. We love you so much and want to make you proud as you Momma and Daddy.
We only had you for 9 days but they were the best days of our life. The 34 weeks I was pregnant with you were also some of the best montsh of my life. I have so many happy memories of being pregnant with you, going places and seeing things. Looking forward to the day when you wouold be able to share them with us. We had so many things planned for you. Daddy was going to take you fishing with Papa Don. I was going to teach you how to read. And we were going to take you Disney World.
We have different dreams for you know. We want to raise money so this doesn't happy to other babies. We want to be able to help other mommies and daddies who those their little boys and girls. We love you so much and want to make you proud as you Momma and Daddy.
Momma and Cooper Michael, 1 day old
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Norah's Birthday
Cooper,
I've been meaning to tell you about Norah's birthday although I'm sure you were watching it all happen. I think I've been putting this off mostly because I knew I would have to relive something of the same feelings I had that day. Feelings I didn't even know about. I knew her birthday would be hard and I came expecting it to be hard but when it all came down. I didn't expect it to be that hard.
We drove down the night before. Daddy had gotten off work and I had to drive. I HATE driving for long distances, it's pure tortue to me. I was looking forward to going home just to see everyone. About half way home it really hit me what was going to happen and WHY we were going home. All for your cousin's 1st birthda. I literally broke down sobbing and thought I was going to have to pull over. For a full hour I told Daddy all of the reasons why I hated this trip...needless to say it was a lot longer than the list of reasons why I was looking forward to being at home.
We finally made it home late that night. We showed up at Mimi's house we were staying and I was miserable and ready to leave already. I hate when people pretend like you didn't exsist and tip toe around the elephant in the room that you life has become. I also hate when I leave the room people immediately start questioning Daddy about how I'm doing. I'd much rather they ask me to my face. They say they don't want to ask me because they are afraid to see me cry. I'm going to cry when I talk about you sometimes. They need to grasp that fact. I will ALWAYS AND FOREVER cry when you are mentioned. It's a part of my life know, they need to understand this fact. We finally left and went to Papa Don and Kimmy's house. Aunt Kisha and a friend were just finishing up making cupcakes for Norah's party. Daddy and I always make it a point of seeing Norah before anything that we know will be friends or family because we tend to cry when we first see her. Norah didn't not want to go to either one of us and it stung just a little bit. She doesn't really recognize because we live in KS now. She takes just a little bit more to warm up to us. I felt bad for Daddy because she never really did want to go to him all weekend. By about Saturday night she would come to me and play a little bit. We hung out for a bit and then headed back to Mimi's house.
The next morning I woke up expecting it to be a long day. Daddy and I went over early to help set up for the party.
Eeee...I just love this picture now! Norah loved Cooper Bear. She gave him a lot of hugs and kisses. It was a little sad to see. Aunt Kisha and I were so excited when we were pregnant together. We couldn't wait to be able to see our children playing together. Instead of pictures of you and Norah we will have pictures of Norah and a weighted bear.
The next day I went out to visit you. It was the first time I have been out there since they had taken down everything off your little plot of land. I was so upset because I walked right by it at first. I found pretty quickly after that because there is a little girl down the way from you who shares your birthday. Every time I go out there I always count how many new babies are out there. I hate it because there is always a new grave. Out living your child is not normal. There shouldn't be so many new graves each time. It's not natural. If this doesn't happen to everyone, then why each do I go out there find so many new babies buried there? We buried you on a Thursday morning. Daddy and I had to drive back on a Monday and before we left we went to say good bye. That Monday there was already another baby buried next to you. I cried for us and then I cried for them. I didn't have any clue who they were but I knew right then in that minute, they were feeling the exact same why Daddy and I did right then in that cemetary. A way no parent should ever have to feel.
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
I've been meaning to tell you about Norah's birthday although I'm sure you were watching it all happen. I think I've been putting this off mostly because I knew I would have to relive something of the same feelings I had that day. Feelings I didn't even know about. I knew her birthday would be hard and I came expecting it to be hard but when it all came down. I didn't expect it to be that hard.
We drove down the night before. Daddy had gotten off work and I had to drive. I HATE driving for long distances, it's pure tortue to me. I was looking forward to going home just to see everyone. About half way home it really hit me what was going to happen and WHY we were going home. All for your cousin's 1st birthda. I literally broke down sobbing and thought I was going to have to pull over. For a full hour I told Daddy all of the reasons why I hated this trip...needless to say it was a lot longer than the list of reasons why I was looking forward to being at home.
We finally made it home late that night. We showed up at Mimi's house we were staying and I was miserable and ready to leave already. I hate when people pretend like you didn't exsist and tip toe around the elephant in the room that you life has become. I also hate when I leave the room people immediately start questioning Daddy about how I'm doing. I'd much rather they ask me to my face. They say they don't want to ask me because they are afraid to see me cry. I'm going to cry when I talk about you sometimes. They need to grasp that fact. I will ALWAYS AND FOREVER cry when you are mentioned. It's a part of my life know, they need to understand this fact. We finally left and went to Papa Don and Kimmy's house. Aunt Kisha and a friend were just finishing up making cupcakes for Norah's party. Daddy and I always make it a point of seeing Norah before anything that we know will be friends or family because we tend to cry when we first see her. Norah didn't not want to go to either one of us and it stung just a little bit. She doesn't really recognize because we live in KS now. She takes just a little bit more to warm up to us. I felt bad for Daddy because she never really did want to go to him all weekend. By about Saturday night she would come to me and play a little bit. We hung out for a bit and then headed back to Mimi's house.
Aunt Kisha, Uncle Matt, Norah, Me and Daddy
I brought Cooper Bear with me. Peopls started to show up and I showed him off like a proud momma. I took him everywhere with me. I'm sure some people thought it was strange that I was carrying around this heavy teddy bear but it didn't really bother me. We ate and talked to friends and famiy we hadn't been able to see since Christmas. And then IT happened. They started singing Happy Birthday to her and I absolutely lost it. I ran to the laundry and Papa Don followed me. I just started sobbing. Sobbing like when they told me your heart had stopped and they working to get it started again. Sobbing like when they said I needed to call Daddy. Sobbing like when they said they were getting ready to unhook you. Sobbing like at your funeral. I think they only thing that stopped me from collapsing right there was Papa Don.
Who cries at a birthday party? ME!!!
I went outside to avoid everyone. I immediatlye started texting Olivia's momma and Marcellus's momma because I knew they would understand. I talked to Olivia's momma while everyone came out to watch her with her smash cake. I pretty much avoided anyone and everyone except Dad after that. People finally started to leave around 4:30 and I felt 'safe' to finally come out. Norah received a baby stroller for her birthday but didn't have anything to push so we used Cooper Bear and got this picture.
Eeee...I just love this picture now! Norah loved Cooper Bear. She gave him a lot of hugs and kisses. It was a little sad to see. Aunt Kisha and I were so excited when we were pregnant together. We couldn't wait to be able to see our children playing together. Instead of pictures of you and Norah we will have pictures of Norah and a weighted bear.
The next day I went out to visit you. It was the first time I have been out there since they had taken down everything off your little plot of land. I was so upset because I walked right by it at first. I found pretty quickly after that because there is a little girl down the way from you who shares your birthday. Every time I go out there I always count how many new babies are out there. I hate it because there is always a new grave. Out living your child is not normal. There shouldn't be so many new graves each time. It's not natural. If this doesn't happen to everyone, then why each do I go out there find so many new babies buried there? We buried you on a Thursday morning. Daddy and I had to drive back on a Monday and before we left we went to say good bye. That Monday there was already another baby buried next to you. I cried for us and then I cried for them. I didn't have any clue who they were but I knew right then in that minute, they were feeling the exact same why Daddy and I did right then in that cemetary. A way no parent should ever have to feel.
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
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