Cooper,
Has it really been 7 months??? Will it really have been a year in 4 more? The only way I can believe it is by looking at the calendar. The time seems to be flying by. We are getting further from you. I think sometimes I am beginning to forget what you looked like. The only way for me to remember is by looking at the few pictures we have of you.
Norah turns 1 next week and Daddy and I are heading back home to celebrate it with Aunt Kisha and Uncle Matt. I went shopping for her over Spring Break and had the best time looking for pink girly things. When I was pregnant, I kept wishing instead of Cooper you were our Kali. It just seemed like more fun to shop for a little girl. When I was shopping this time, there were cute boy clothes all around me. I think I would have your closets filled. Even when you were born early everyone went shopping for you. I don't think I would have had to have done laundry for for quite some time. What I would give to have to do laundry for you. I don't even think Daddy would mind the credit card bills I would have racked up from buying your clothes.
The past two days have been odd. I don't normally talk about you with strangers. The death of a child isn't a normal piece of conversation you just bring up. But in the past two days, I've told two parents of my students about you.
Yesterday, one of my favorite little girls (Yes, I have favorites, BAD TEACHER!!) was picked up late. I had walked back into the office to clock out with S. I mentioned to her grandmother that she had been clingy that day. Her grandmother said that she is spoiled by her dad and her grandfather. I told her I really didn't mind it, it doesn't bother me. I said I love those kids like they were my own. My student asked if I had any kids. I was a little taken back by it because the last time someone asked, I lied and said no. I didn't know what to say. I ended up saying it was complicated. And the grandmother just stared for a minute and said "It's complicated? You do or you don't?" I couldn't lie and I explained as best as I could that I/we had a son. I said you were born early and died 9 days later because you had become very sick. I mentioned what it(NEC) was and what it does. She asked when it had happened and I told her you had just left us in August, the day before school started. She was quite shocked that I was already back at work. She said I must be strong to be back at work so soon. They told the parents of students in my class that I was just on medical leave and left it at that. She felt horrible and couldn't imagine what it feels like to lose a child. She did try to compare it to her divorce but I just smiled and nodded. I know she meant well, but that was a first for me. A divorce, really? It through me for a loop and I spent the rest of my lunch break wandering off in my thoughts.
Then today our class won a party. We had a picnic for lunch and asked our parents to come and join in on the festivities. A parent showed up who I don't really see on a regular basis because her daughter rides the bus. Her mom came and was much further along that I expected. I knew she was pregnant, because her daughter been talking nonstop about her new baby brother. At one point, I asked her how she was feeling and when she was due. She's 34 weeks, that bothered me a bit because that's how far along I was when I had you. She said that once she makes to 36 weeks she didn't care when he came. He could come right then and he'd be okay. I wanted to scream and tell her she wasn't out of the woods yet! Somehow we got down to it, that she her second daughter was stillborn. That right there opened the doors for me to talk about Cooper. We had a nice little talk about our kids and then that lead right into the subject of Rainbows. I talked with her a bit mostly about what it was like to be pregnant after losing a child. I'm sure parents were wondering why I was crying a bit. I really enjoyed my conversation with her. She gave me peace that Daddy and I will have our Rainbows somedays. She gave more confidence that a Rainbow is very possible! She waited 5 years after losing her daught before she got her Rainbow. She had another daughter and is pregnant with her 3rd since losing her daughter 15 years ago!
I love having the opportunity to talk about you with other moms. I'm sure if someone would let me, I'd share you entire 9 days of life! It might not be able to share as often as other moms can and do, but talking about you is one of my favorite things to do! If there's ever an opportunity to talk about you, I'll take it. I'm proud to be your mother!
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Sunday, March 25, 2012
First Cravings...
Cooper,
FOOD!
Gosh, I do love food and almost every aspect of it! Except shopping for it...I hate that part. I was so excited for you to get here so I would finally have someone to go shopping with me. I remember going grocery shopping with Nana growing up. When I was younger, I remember I woulr always try to convince her that there was something that I just couldn't 'live with out' on each trip. I'm sure Nana saw right through it but she loved us and very rarely refused not getting buying whatever it was. I couldn't wait tell you were old enough to do the same thing. I have a good friend who has two boys and she hates taking them with her because whenever they pass by the toy section, they will cry until she lets them pick out a '$50 truck', aka one of the little matchbox cars. I would gladly buy you any ACTUAL $50 truck if I had the chance.
Daddy's dad and step mom are the best cooks ever! And boy did you enjoy their cooking! I'm so glad you had the 'chance' to try it! Everytime we would go home to visit, I would go straight to their refrigerator and raid it! I was one happy pregnant momma!
The whole point of this post is about the first foods I craved when I was pregnat with you. There's an entire list of foods I craved when I was pregnant.
1. Pot of Gold Soup This is what tipped Daddy off to the fact that we might be expanding out little trio (Me, Daddy, and big fur brother Binx) to a family of 4. I randomly found it while I was making out a list of groceries in a cookbook that your Mimi had given me at Christmas. It's apparently an old scout cooking recipe that is super easy to make over a campfire. It's nothing more than tomato soup with a pound of hamburger meat and 1 chopped up onion. Then you take a roll of biscuits and in each biscuits you put in a little cube of cheese. Daddy thought it was the most horrible thing ever but I could not get enough of it and ate it for DAYS! About a week after making it, we found out we were pregnant. And much later, Daddy finally said that's what tipped him off the pot of gold soup.
2. Ranch dressing I could not get enough of the stuff I would literally eat it on everything. I bought ranch dressing in the huge bottles and would run out pretty quickly.
3. Cheese and pickles I love cheese and I love pickles. Very early in my pregnancy with you I would actually eat them together. I'm now gagging at that thought. But's also something I craved when I was pregnant with Colby. Nana and Papa came down to visit while Daddy was in Korea very early on. Nana and I went shopping and I bought 6 different kinds of pickles. I think I still had one of the jars in the fridge up until we moved a few weeks back. I have a feeling this we will be a recurring craving in future pregnancies.
4. Sweets This one is a little different. I love LOVE love different types of candy, especially peanut butter cups! I love Easter because they put out ones that look like eggs. I swear the peanut butter in those bad boys is sooo much better than in the normal ones. When I was pregnant, I could NOT eat anything sweet. It would just make me even more sick to my stomach. I could not stand anything sweet. I thought it was the most horrible thing ever. We told our parents and siblings you were a boy but having red velvet cupcakes filled with blue icing. I ate one and it ended pretty poorly. I couldn't even enjoy my favorite cupcake from my favorite bakery. Daddy was okay with it though, he happily ate my share of the cupcakes. :)
5. Salads & Fresh Vegetables I've never been one to choose to eat a salad or fresh vegetables. But it seemed like I couldn't get enough of it! I would eat broccoli and cauliflower almost everyday during the sumemr. And whenever we ate I would end up ordering a salad. Daddy and I were convinced that between my revulsion for sweet things and my sudden desire for anything green and from a garden you were going to be one healthy little guy. Perhaps that's why you were so healthy for 34 weeks??
6. Spicy foods Anyone who really knows me, understands that I hated foods that were spicy. I would avoid them at all costs. Spicy foods did not touch my lips. I would refuse to touch Daddy if I knew he had eaten something spicy recently. Daddy LOVES spicy foods. Well, that changed with you little monkey. I LOVED spicy foods. There were even somethings that were too spicy for Dad that I loved. And Daddy, Papa Don and Kimmy love to do it spicy at their house! Whenever we were home, I would spend my days in the pool with a bowl of salsa and chips. You would kick and roll and flip all over when I got into the pool. I think you would have been right at home this summer in the pool.
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
FOOD!
Gosh, I do love food and almost every aspect of it! Except shopping for it...I hate that part. I was so excited for you to get here so I would finally have someone to go shopping with me. I remember going grocery shopping with Nana growing up. When I was younger, I remember I woulr always try to convince her that there was something that I just couldn't 'live with out' on each trip. I'm sure Nana saw right through it but she loved us and very rarely refused not getting buying whatever it was. I couldn't wait tell you were old enough to do the same thing. I have a good friend who has two boys and she hates taking them with her because whenever they pass by the toy section, they will cry until she lets them pick out a '$50 truck', aka one of the little matchbox cars. I would gladly buy you any ACTUAL $50 truck if I had the chance.
Daddy's dad and step mom are the best cooks ever! And boy did you enjoy their cooking! I'm so glad you had the 'chance' to try it! Everytime we would go home to visit, I would go straight to their refrigerator and raid it! I was one happy pregnant momma!
The whole point of this post is about the first foods I craved when I was pregnat with you. There's an entire list of foods I craved when I was pregnant.
1. Pot of Gold Soup This is what tipped Daddy off to the fact that we might be expanding out little trio (Me, Daddy, and big fur brother Binx) to a family of 4. I randomly found it while I was making out a list of groceries in a cookbook that your Mimi had given me at Christmas. It's apparently an old scout cooking recipe that is super easy to make over a campfire. It's nothing more than tomato soup with a pound of hamburger meat and 1 chopped up onion. Then you take a roll of biscuits and in each biscuits you put in a little cube of cheese. Daddy thought it was the most horrible thing ever but I could not get enough of it and ate it for DAYS! About a week after making it, we found out we were pregnant. And much later, Daddy finally said that's what tipped him off the pot of gold soup.
2. Ranch dressing I could not get enough of the stuff I would literally eat it on everything. I bought ranch dressing in the huge bottles and would run out pretty quickly.
3. Cheese and pickles I love cheese and I love pickles. Very early in my pregnancy with you I would actually eat them together. I'm now gagging at that thought. But's also something I craved when I was pregnant with Colby. Nana and Papa came down to visit while Daddy was in Korea very early on. Nana and I went shopping and I bought 6 different kinds of pickles. I think I still had one of the jars in the fridge up until we moved a few weeks back. I have a feeling this we will be a recurring craving in future pregnancies.
4. Sweets This one is a little different. I love LOVE love different types of candy, especially peanut butter cups! I love Easter because they put out ones that look like eggs. I swear the peanut butter in those bad boys is sooo much better than in the normal ones. When I was pregnant, I could NOT eat anything sweet. It would just make me even more sick to my stomach. I could not stand anything sweet. I thought it was the most horrible thing ever. We told our parents and siblings you were a boy but having red velvet cupcakes filled with blue icing. I ate one and it ended pretty poorly. I couldn't even enjoy my favorite cupcake from my favorite bakery. Daddy was okay with it though, he happily ate my share of the cupcakes. :)
5. Salads & Fresh Vegetables I've never been one to choose to eat a salad or fresh vegetables. But it seemed like I couldn't get enough of it! I would eat broccoli and cauliflower almost everyday during the sumemr. And whenever we ate I would end up ordering a salad. Daddy and I were convinced that between my revulsion for sweet things and my sudden desire for anything green and from a garden you were going to be one healthy little guy. Perhaps that's why you were so healthy for 34 weeks??
6. Spicy foods Anyone who really knows me, understands that I hated foods that were spicy. I would avoid them at all costs. Spicy foods did not touch my lips. I would refuse to touch Daddy if I knew he had eaten something spicy recently. Daddy LOVES spicy foods. Well, that changed with you little monkey. I LOVED spicy foods. There were even somethings that were too spicy for Dad that I loved. And Daddy, Papa Don and Kimmy love to do it spicy at their house! Whenever we were home, I would spend my days in the pool with a bowl of salsa and chips. You would kick and roll and flip all over when I got into the pool. I think you would have been right at home this summer in the pool.
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
The New 'Normal'
Colby,
Momma sure does love her first baby A LOT! Daddy and I miss you, and even though we never met or saw you, you impacted our lives in such a way. Because of you we have Cooper.
Thanks for telling me hi on Sunday morning.
love you,
Momma
Cooper,
Gosh, I need to get my rear in gear and write just a little bit more. Even though I talk a lot to you and Colby throughout the day and at night. I know you have been watching and see a lot of what has been going on.
I've been thinking/talking a lot about this new 'normal' and what it's like to live it. Never in a million years did I think my normal would involve funeral arrangements. I didn't think I would have to do any of this until something happened to our parents. I never dreamed I would be having to make them for you.
I HATE funeral homes. And although, part of me thanks the FH Funeral Home for everything they did. There are days like the last 5, I wish it was possible to take our business elsewhere. I hate the last few days events and could just spit. I do NOT remember them saying they were going to remove your temporary marker until they laid your marker. How in the world is anyone supposed to 'find' you out there??? Daddy and I put some special things out there and I would have liked to have been given the chance to go back out there and get them back! Nana put a little stained glass nativity that her sister, my Aunt Jan, made a few years back. It's pretty special to Nana because it was one of the last pieces she ever made for her. And Aunt Jan beat you to Heaven in June. Nana is pretty livid herself. She wanted to put it out there each Christmas for you. Nana, Daddy and I are making every effort to have you marker out there for you by your birthday. Once it's all paid off it will take about 3 months start to finish until it's in the ground. So we will need for it to be paid off by May. Hopefully something will come through and we will have it for you, Can't believe you will be 1 in 5 months, how big would be now???
I HATE that I have a reason to go to The Compassionate Friends. I really look forward every month to be able to go. It's the one place I feel like I can go and I'm normal. I don't feel like I'm different than anyone else. Wherever I go, I feel like I have a name tag on that says "Hello, I've lost my child." And when I'm there, we all have that name tag on. It's okay to cry because we all cry. We all talk about our children in the past tense. There't no judgment from anyone. We can sit and talk about our children and no one starts to roll their eyes because they heard the same story, a month ago. It's okay for me to sit and cling to a teddy bear that feels like I'm holding you. No one stops and stares.
I HATE that some of my closest friends have all experienced this. I hate that Melissa, Morgan and I can compare notes about what happened to you, Olivia, and Marcellus, Shouldn't we be comparing notes about normal things, like weight, sleep, what your eating, or some cute new thing you are doing! Or Peggy and her sweet baby Aubrie, we're connected now by dates in August and our babies. I hate that my friends who havn't experienced this just seem more distant than ever. I know they try! I see how hard they try to understand. Or my 'friends' who have just flat out disappeared because I lost you. I'm not diseased, losing a child is not contagious. Just because it happened to me, doesn't mean you can't be friends with me?!?!
Someone please tell me, when did this become my new norm!? I tell you when...August 28, 20ll. The day our world was changed forever.
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
Momma sure does love her first baby A LOT! Daddy and I miss you, and even though we never met or saw you, you impacted our lives in such a way. Because of you we have Cooper.
Thanks for telling me hi on Sunday morning.
love you,
Momma
Cooper,
Gosh, I need to get my rear in gear and write just a little bit more. Even though I talk a lot to you and Colby throughout the day and at night. I know you have been watching and see a lot of what has been going on.
I've been thinking/talking a lot about this new 'normal' and what it's like to live it. Never in a million years did I think my normal would involve funeral arrangements. I didn't think I would have to do any of this until something happened to our parents. I never dreamed I would be having to make them for you.
I HATE funeral homes. And although, part of me thanks the FH Funeral Home for everything they did. There are days like the last 5, I wish it was possible to take our business elsewhere. I hate the last few days events and could just spit. I do NOT remember them saying they were going to remove your temporary marker until they laid your marker. How in the world is anyone supposed to 'find' you out there??? Daddy and I put some special things out there and I would have liked to have been given the chance to go back out there and get them back! Nana put a little stained glass nativity that her sister, my Aunt Jan, made a few years back. It's pretty special to Nana because it was one of the last pieces she ever made for her. And Aunt Jan beat you to Heaven in June. Nana is pretty livid herself. She wanted to put it out there each Christmas for you. Nana, Daddy and I are making every effort to have you marker out there for you by your birthday. Once it's all paid off it will take about 3 months start to finish until it's in the ground. So we will need for it to be paid off by May. Hopefully something will come through and we will have it for you, Can't believe you will be 1 in 5 months, how big would be now???
I HATE that I have a reason to go to The Compassionate Friends. I really look forward every month to be able to go. It's the one place I feel like I can go and I'm normal. I don't feel like I'm different than anyone else. Wherever I go, I feel like I have a name tag on that says "Hello, I've lost my child." And when I'm there, we all have that name tag on. It's okay to cry because we all cry. We all talk about our children in the past tense. There't no judgment from anyone. We can sit and talk about our children and no one starts to roll their eyes because they heard the same story, a month ago. It's okay for me to sit and cling to a teddy bear that feels like I'm holding you. No one stops and stares.
I HATE that some of my closest friends have all experienced this. I hate that Melissa, Morgan and I can compare notes about what happened to you, Olivia, and Marcellus, Shouldn't we be comparing notes about normal things, like weight, sleep, what your eating, or some cute new thing you are doing! Or Peggy and her sweet baby Aubrie, we're connected now by dates in August and our babies. I hate that my friends who havn't experienced this just seem more distant than ever. I know they try! I see how hard they try to understand. Or my 'friends' who have just flat out disappeared because I lost you. I'm not diseased, losing a child is not contagious. Just because it happened to me, doesn't mean you can't be friends with me?!?!
Someone please tell me, when did this become my new norm!? I tell you when...August 28, 20ll. The day our world was changed forever.
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
Sunday, March 4, 2012
An Unfinished Mother
Cooper,
I mentioned last time that I've been having a hard time trying to figure out if I'm still a mother or not. I know I am, I always be your momma and no one can change that. I've had to things that most parents will not ever had to do. Daddy and I have had to plan a funeral, pick out a casket, and pick out a headstone for our child. Our 9 day old infant son. I feel like a broken record when I say this. I'm not supposed to be doing this. I'm not supposed to have buried my son. You WERE supposed to have done all those things for me. Not me for you. This isn't fair and there are no do overs in life. Those were the last things I was able to do for as your mother. Our parents did most of the arrangements for us because honestly Daddy and I were in too much of a state of shock. We did pick out the picture for your funeral, we picked out a poem, we picked out what you wore and we picked out your headstone.
Am I still a Mother? Will in one remember in May that I'm a mom on Mother's Day? Will anyone believe me? THIS ISN'T FAIR!!!
I got this month's TCF newsletter in the mail and it sums up a lot. I still hurt but reading made me feel better, if only for just a little while. I didn't write this. I'm not claiming this work as my own at ALL.
An Unfinished Mother by Clara Hinton
When child loss occurs, a mother goes through a difficut time of emtional turmoil and questioning. "Am I still a mother?" "Does my child still have a birthday each year, or does time stand still?" "Can the mother/child relationship continue to grow, or am I now an 'unfinished mother'?"
Losing a child places a mother on a road that begins a lonelier journey than ever expected-one that can never really be explained. There was a beginning, but with the death of the child, there is no middle and no end. Everything seems so unfinished. Hopes and dreams were stopped far too soon. Joy was snatched away so suddenly. A mother is left with empty arms and an empty heart. Nothing can ever be complete when a child's life ends.
When the death of a child occurs, a mother is stopped in her tracks, and she suddenly feels inadequate and incomplete. She wears a new name. She is an "unfinished mother", never bein able to see the rest of the picture. She will never be able to watch her child mature into a young adult. She will never be able to see all the pieces fit together. The picture will always have part of the scenery missing. It is so painful to be an unfinished mother! Child loss makes everything seems to empty and incomplete.
The reality of child loss is so devastating to a mother. There are overwhelming feelinsg of guilt, inadequatcy, and most often feelinsg of failure. These feelings can overwhelm a mother for several months following the death of a child, and it can be quite difficult to build a support system to carry a mother through this roller coaster of emtions. Very few people will understand a mother's explanation of feeling like she is an unfinished mother.
There will be come a critical point in this journey of gried when a mother must reach deep inside her inner resources and make a conscious decision to accept herself just as she is-a mother whose heart has been touched by the pain and grief of child loss. Only then can she start to put together some of the broken pieces and begin to feel like there will be a day when she will feel more like a complete mother than an unfinished mother.
When a child dies, life is suddenly thrown completely off balance. A mother is left feeling like her identity has been taken away. It is often a long difficult journey to find that place of identity as a mother again. It's hard to understand that there is unfinished living that will never be completed. Peace can finally come to a mother's heart when she realizes that there is a big difference between having unfinished business and being left feeling like an unfinished mother.
A mother is never "unfinished". No matter how brief her time was with her child, the bond of love between mother and child was complete. A mother's love for her child is unending. Dreams may shatter and circumstances may change, but a mother's love remains strong. As a mother travels the path to healing, it is important for her to remind herself often that is a mother forever. Her motherhood did not stop when her child died. This understanding of motherhood releases the feelings of guilt and failure and allows a mother to begin to see herself as a whole person again-a complete mother.
A mother is never an "unfinished mother." A mother's love runs far too deep to ever be called unfinished!
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
I mentioned last time that I've been having a hard time trying to figure out if I'm still a mother or not. I know I am, I always be your momma and no one can change that. I've had to things that most parents will not ever had to do. Daddy and I have had to plan a funeral, pick out a casket, and pick out a headstone for our child. Our 9 day old infant son. I feel like a broken record when I say this. I'm not supposed to be doing this. I'm not supposed to have buried my son. You WERE supposed to have done all those things for me. Not me for you. This isn't fair and there are no do overs in life. Those were the last things I was able to do for as your mother. Our parents did most of the arrangements for us because honestly Daddy and I were in too much of a state of shock. We did pick out the picture for your funeral, we picked out a poem, we picked out what you wore and we picked out your headstone.
Am I still a Mother? Will in one remember in May that I'm a mom on Mother's Day? Will anyone believe me? THIS ISN'T FAIR!!!
I got this month's TCF newsletter in the mail and it sums up a lot. I still hurt but reading made me feel better, if only for just a little while. I didn't write this. I'm not claiming this work as my own at ALL.
An Unfinished Mother by Clara Hinton
When child loss occurs, a mother goes through a difficut time of emtional turmoil and questioning. "Am I still a mother?" "Does my child still have a birthday each year, or does time stand still?" "Can the mother/child relationship continue to grow, or am I now an 'unfinished mother'?"
Losing a child places a mother on a road that begins a lonelier journey than ever expected-one that can never really be explained. There was a beginning, but with the death of the child, there is no middle and no end. Everything seems so unfinished. Hopes and dreams were stopped far too soon. Joy was snatched away so suddenly. A mother is left with empty arms and an empty heart. Nothing can ever be complete when a child's life ends.
When the death of a child occurs, a mother is stopped in her tracks, and she suddenly feels inadequate and incomplete. She wears a new name. She is an "unfinished mother", never bein able to see the rest of the picture. She will never be able to watch her child mature into a young adult. She will never be able to see all the pieces fit together. The picture will always have part of the scenery missing. It is so painful to be an unfinished mother! Child loss makes everything seems to empty and incomplete.
The reality of child loss is so devastating to a mother. There are overwhelming feelinsg of guilt, inadequatcy, and most often feelinsg of failure. These feelings can overwhelm a mother for several months following the death of a child, and it can be quite difficult to build a support system to carry a mother through this roller coaster of emtions. Very few people will understand a mother's explanation of feeling like she is an unfinished mother.
There will be come a critical point in this journey of gried when a mother must reach deep inside her inner resources and make a conscious decision to accept herself just as she is-a mother whose heart has been touched by the pain and grief of child loss. Only then can she start to put together some of the broken pieces and begin to feel like there will be a day when she will feel more like a complete mother than an unfinished mother.
When a child dies, life is suddenly thrown completely off balance. A mother is left feeling like her identity has been taken away. It is often a long difficult journey to find that place of identity as a mother again. It's hard to understand that there is unfinished living that will never be completed. Peace can finally come to a mother's heart when she realizes that there is a big difference between having unfinished business and being left feeling like an unfinished mother.
A mother is never "unfinished". No matter how brief her time was with her child, the bond of love between mother and child was complete. A mother's love for her child is unending. Dreams may shatter and circumstances may change, but a mother's love remains strong. As a mother travels the path to healing, it is important for her to remind herself often that is a mother forever. Her motherhood did not stop when her child died. This understanding of motherhood releases the feelings of guilt and failure and allows a mother to begin to see herself as a whole person again-a complete mother.
A mother is never an "unfinished mother." A mother's love runs far too deep to ever be called unfinished!
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
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