It's been a while since I have posted. School let out a few weeks ago and I've spent the last two weeks cleaning and packing my room. I had to clear out my room because we aren't sure if we will still be living here in KS by then. Today was my last day of work for a while. I had planned on spending it with Cooper's adopted aunties doing nothing but that all changed when Michael had to have a last minute medical procedure done because of his knee, it was the second one in the last week. We've got our *fingerscrossed* that this one will last longer than 5 days because we are leaving on Tuesday afternoon to drive to Texas for his brother's graduation from BMT. I'm really hoping that find something that help control the pain because 1) I hate seeing Michael hurt like that 2) I hate making almost weekly trips to various doctor's and physical therapy appointments and 3) I just don't think I'm going to be able to drive 10+ hours to Texas on my own.
I've been EXTREMELY frustrated with some of my friends. Friends who are not a part of the BLM community. I am so glad that they were there for Michael and I and I wouldn't trade them for the world. But sometimes I just wish they would get it a little bit more. I found this floating out there in the internet, read it and wished I had found it months ago. The bold is what someone else wrote, the italicized are my thoughts.
For those of you who have lost a loved one, especially a child, you will relate to the following list of 10 things to guide your friends through the tough times. Please share this information with others so they will know not only how to act... but most important, too act! Don’t avoid us!
By Virginia Simpson
1. I am not strong. I'm just numb. When you tell me I'm strong, I feel you don't see me.
Yeah this, doesn't make me feel any better. Watching Cooper get sick and fight for his life and then die, doesn't make me strong. Burying my 9 day old son does not make me strong. None of this makes me strong. I have to do this. I didn't ask for this, I don't want to do this. I didn't get a choice in this.
2. I will not recover. This is not a cold or the flu. I'm not sick. I'm grieving and that's different. I will not always be grieving as intensely, but I will never forget my loved one. Rather than recover, I want to incorporate his life and love into the rest of my life. That person is a part of me and always will be, and sometimes I remember him with joy and other times with tears. Both are ok.
I think this is the hardest for people to understand. We won't get over it. We won't accept it. But one day we will reconcile what happened. In 10 years we will still feel the same as we did the day you left us almost 9 months ago. We will still feel this strongly the day we die. This is hard for me to wrap my mind around. The pain is the same today as it was yesterday and it will be the same tomorrow as well.
3. I don't have to accept the death. Yes, I have to understand that it has happened and it is real, but there are just some things in life that are not acceptable.
This is also hard I know I havn't accepted what happened. But I do know and understand that you are gone and we won't ever have you in this life again. Yes, we will hopefully have other children but not Cooper. Losing him is not acceptable to me or my husband.
4. Please don't avoid me. You can't catch my grief. My world is painful, and when you are too afraid to call me or visit or say anything, you isolate me at a time when I most need to be care about. If you don't know what to say, just come over, give me a hug or touch my arms, and gently say, "I'm sorry." You can even say, "I just don't know what to say, but I care, and want you to know that."
I actually had people avoid me at work and this hurt. A coworker appeared to see me coming down the hall and she panicked and turned the corner. We have since 'made up'. She has a way of making me laugh when I need it. And I appreciate her for that. Also, please don't feel like you have to give us some amazing piece of wisdom that will give us peace or make us feel better. Because that will only happen with time. Don't feel like you have to say anything but if you would like to say something 'I'm sorry' is always a good start. AND under no circumstance is it okay for you to say that you understand or can relate unless you have lost a child. We didn't lose a beloved pet, a grandparent or an uncle or aunt. We lost our 9 day old son. And even if you did lose a child you can relate but you might not understand. I do not understand how Michael feels but I can relate to him better than anyone else because Cooper was our son. I do not understand what it's like to lose a child to a birth defect, SIDS or an accident but I can relate. I can relate when a parent loses their child to an illness and even more so to those that have been touched by NEC but I don't know what they feel like because it's still different. I make every effort when talking to those parents to tell them I can relate to some of the things they are feeling but I still don't completely understand what they are feeling.
5. Please don't call to complain about your husband, your wife, or your children. Right now, I'd be delighted to have my loved one here, no matter what they were doing.
Just don't. I don't even think I need to explain this one. Don't complain to me about about sleepless nights or being spit up on. I would love to be sleep deprived right now. Don't complain to me about your pregnancy symptoms. I would love to be having my rainbow. Just don't do it.
6. Please don’t say, “Call me if you need anything.” I’ll never call you because I have no idea what I need. Trying to figure out what you could do for me takes more energy than I have. So, in advance, let me give you some ideas: a. Bring food b. Offer to take my children to a movie or game so I have some moments to myself c. Send me a card on special holidays, birthdays (mine, his or hers), or the anniversary of his death and make sure you mention his or her name. You can’t make me cry. The tears are here and I will love you for giving me the opportunity to shed them because someone cared enough about me to reach out on this difficult day. d. Ask me more than once to join you at the movies or lunch. I may say “no” at first or even for a while, but please don’t give up on me because somewhere down the line, I may be ready, and if you’ve given up then I really will be alone.
And don't stop after just one time. The first time leaving the house after Cooper's funeral was miserable. And then it got to the point where we didn't want to be in our own house. We would wake up in the morning and leave for hours at a time. We once went to the theaters and saw 4 different movies in one day. It took about 6-7 months for me to want to leave the house without Michael or some other family member. And if Michael didn't go with me I would call or text him a lot, just to check in with him. I hated to be away from him for long periods of time. He went back to work before I did and I hated to be myself. I didn't really want to do 'normal' things with my friends for a very long time.. Please, please, please keep asking us or whoever it might be to do things. Or send a card in the mail. I loved and still love when people remember Cooper's special dates. Just knowing someone was thinking of us and took a little bit of their time to say that was wonderful.
7. Try to understand that this is like I’m in a foreign country where I don’t speak the language and have no map to tell me what to do. Even if there were a map, I’m not sure I could understand what it was saying. I’m lost and in a fog. I’m confused.
There is no guide for this. Every grieving parent handles it differently, even Michael and I. What works for him might not work for me and vice versa. And what works for me one day, might not work for me the next day either. The first few months I felt like I was watching everyone go by on a conveyor belt and continuing living their lives. I felt like screaming at them to stop and wait for me. And then one day I stepped out just a little bit to 'test' out life again. Some days I rode on the conveyor belt all day long and somedays I needed to get off. In the first few months we needed to take it day by day or even minute by minute. And even though 9 months later, we have made a lot of progress with our healing we are in no way better. For all we know tomorrow could be much worse. Please be gentle with us.
8. When you tell me what I should be doing, then I feel even more lost and alone. I feel bad enough that my loved one is dead, so please don’t make it worse by telling me I’m not doing this right.
Just DON'T DO THIS!!! I don't tell other BLM what to do. I don't tell them that something they are doing in their grief process is wrong. The entire idea of putting your child in the ground is wrong. Nothing about this is right. So don't tell us that we are doing something wrong.
9. Please don’t tell me that I can have other children or need to start dating again. I’m not ready. And maybe I don’t want to. And besides, what makes you think people are replaceable? They aren’t. Whoever comes after will always be someone different.
Don't do this either. And don't think just because a person might try again so soon after losing their child means that they are trying to replace them either. We won't ever get to have our Cooper again in this life. We have a Cooper shaped hole in our hearts and no child will ever be able to fill it nor do we want another child to fill that place in our hearts. Also under no circumstances is it ever okay to ask us when we are going to try again.
10. I don’t even understand what you mean when you say, “You’ve got to get on with your life.” My life is going on, but it may not look the way you think it should. This will take time and I never will be my old self again. So please just love me as I am today, and know, that with your love and support, the joy will slowly return to my life. But I will never forget – and there will always be times that I cry...
Michael and I won't ever be the same Kendra and Michael we were before Cooper. Don't expect that from us in the future. We are getting better every day, we have our ups and we have our downs. We are essentially learning to walk again. Please be patient.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
End of the School Year
Cooper,
I've been thinking a lot lately about what life was a year ago. A year ago, I was scrambling to try to finish all of my home visits before I went on a training. I remember hauling myself in and out of my car, really not that big yet but it was starting to get hot. I had a new assistant teacher as well. I was also trying to get lesson plans laid out for her while I was in Kansas City with Dad. Dad and I ended up really enjoying ourselves while we were there. I look back and I'm so glad that we had that time together, all 3 of us. We spent a lot of time talking about how we couldn't wait until you were finally here and we would bring you back with us. Kansas City isn't that far from us and there were still lots of things we could do with you with us. Dad said he didn't want to be that set of parents who didn't go out and do anything just because they had a kid. Ohhh, he said that then and I *hope* he'll say it again, but I really wouldn't mind if we were that couple who doesn't do anything except stay at home with their baby.
Last year, I couldn't wait for school to be over and finally be on summer break. I know once summer was over and we were back at school that I'd probably only be there for about 4-6 weeks before I left for maternity leave before you came. I think I was back at work for maybe two and a half weeks before my body betrayed me. The end of the school year meant I was just getting closer to finally meeting you!
I spent most of the summer doing things I thought I wasn't going to be able to do, sleep, read, and craft. Binx and I took walks in the morning and late in the evenings when it was cool. I cooked from scratch most nights and even baked a little bit. I was starting to get bigger each day and sleep was definitely getting harder. I spent some of the days making sure our registries were perfect for the upcoming baby showers. There were days when Dad left for work in the mornings and I was already on the computer and by the time he came home in the afternoons I was still sitting there. I ate lunch with Dad most every day thinking that this summer it probably wouldn't be as feasible. We spent the summer trying to do things we didn't think we'd be able to do for a long time.
I also started to look forward to all the different things that you and I would do together. We're were going to go to the pool on base with Kristin and her boys. Randall and Dad would come when they could but it would mostly be Momma and Cooper time. We were going to go to the zoo and look at the animals. You were going to ride the camels and feed the giraffes. And when it got really hot outside, we would go to the gorilla exhibit. Daddy was so excited to be able to take you fishing with Papa Don and Uncle Charlie. He was already trying to find you your first fishing pole. Papa Don and Kimmy had bought floats for you and Norah to use in the pool this summer. And bringing you home with us! I couldn't wait to bring you home with us! Papa Don has the BEST parties during the summer and this summer was going to be the best with two new Sala grandbabies.
It wasn't supposed to be this way. This wasn't the summer I had imagined.
I'm dreading the end of school and the beginning of summer. I'm not sure how I'm going to fill up my time now. I've got a few craft projects I could finish. I'll probably go back to cooking and baking again for Dad and his co-workers. We'll still go home. We've even been thinking about taking a little trip, just the two of us. I'll continue to go see Adrienne and Compassionate Friends, two things I did not picture myself doing this summer. Dad and I have started a new healthy lifestyle , I might even 'attempt' to lose more weight. It'll probably still be, Binx and I walking around base, this time avoiding the strollers and parks. The end of this school year just means we are getting closer to your first birthday and closer to the anniversary of the day we said good bye.
Hopefully, the end of the next school year will be different.
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
I've been thinking a lot lately about what life was a year ago. A year ago, I was scrambling to try to finish all of my home visits before I went on a training. I remember hauling myself in and out of my car, really not that big yet but it was starting to get hot. I had a new assistant teacher as well. I was also trying to get lesson plans laid out for her while I was in Kansas City with Dad. Dad and I ended up really enjoying ourselves while we were there. I look back and I'm so glad that we had that time together, all 3 of us. We spent a lot of time talking about how we couldn't wait until you were finally here and we would bring you back with us. Kansas City isn't that far from us and there were still lots of things we could do with you with us. Dad said he didn't want to be that set of parents who didn't go out and do anything just because they had a kid. Ohhh, he said that then and I *hope* he'll say it again, but I really wouldn't mind if we were that couple who doesn't do anything except stay at home with their baby.
Last year, I couldn't wait for school to be over and finally be on summer break. I know once summer was over and we were back at school that I'd probably only be there for about 4-6 weeks before I left for maternity leave before you came. I think I was back at work for maybe two and a half weeks before my body betrayed me. The end of the school year meant I was just getting closer to finally meeting you!
I spent most of the summer doing things I thought I wasn't going to be able to do, sleep, read, and craft. Binx and I took walks in the morning and late in the evenings when it was cool. I cooked from scratch most nights and even baked a little bit. I was starting to get bigger each day and sleep was definitely getting harder. I spent some of the days making sure our registries were perfect for the upcoming baby showers. There were days when Dad left for work in the mornings and I was already on the computer and by the time he came home in the afternoons I was still sitting there. I ate lunch with Dad most every day thinking that this summer it probably wouldn't be as feasible. We spent the summer trying to do things we didn't think we'd be able to do for a long time.
I also started to look forward to all the different things that you and I would do together. We're were going to go to the pool on base with Kristin and her boys. Randall and Dad would come when they could but it would mostly be Momma and Cooper time. We were going to go to the zoo and look at the animals. You were going to ride the camels and feed the giraffes. And when it got really hot outside, we would go to the gorilla exhibit. Daddy was so excited to be able to take you fishing with Papa Don and Uncle Charlie. He was already trying to find you your first fishing pole. Papa Don and Kimmy had bought floats for you and Norah to use in the pool this summer. And bringing you home with us! I couldn't wait to bring you home with us! Papa Don has the BEST parties during the summer and this summer was going to be the best with two new Sala grandbabies.
It wasn't supposed to be this way. This wasn't the summer I had imagined.
I'm dreading the end of school and the beginning of summer. I'm not sure how I'm going to fill up my time now. I've got a few craft projects I could finish. I'll probably go back to cooking and baking again for Dad and his co-workers. We'll still go home. We've even been thinking about taking a little trip, just the two of us. I'll continue to go see Adrienne and Compassionate Friends, two things I did not picture myself doing this summer. Dad and I have started a new healthy lifestyle , I might even 'attempt' to lose more weight. It'll probably still be, Binx and I walking around base, this time avoiding the strollers and parks. The end of this school year just means we are getting closer to your first birthday and closer to the anniversary of the day we said good bye.
Hopefully, the end of the next school year will be different.
love you to the moon and back,
Momma
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)